2011: Being a bitch

Yes, today I've been acting like a real bitch.

I woke up this morning feeling irritated on just everything, trying to breath through it and just stopping the feeling of irritation, frustration and so on - since I know that it's a mind-thing and that I actually am capable of stopping it, stopping the mind through breath.

4 cups of coffee helped as well. For a while.

I couldn't really relax, it was something that bothered me all the time, if it wasn't the headphones to the mp3 that worked like shit it was the plastic-bag on the handlebar on my bike who hit my knee all the way home.

I was going to school and I was able to breathe and just stop the thoughts regarding cigarettes even though it seemed as if everybody around me smoked.

Just breathing and focusing on every breath and trying to feel my whole body, I started by focusing really hard on my feet, all the toes - one by one. By doing so, focusing on different parts of my body and eventually on the whole body made it possible for me to stop thinking of the cigarettes and instead bringing me back to the physical.

After school I was going into the city to meet up with Markus, shopping for some school-books.

I was just getting irritated on everything and I was sweating like a menopause-lady with way too much coffee in her blood.

I went in to a shopping-mall and found a book that I needed. When I would pay for it the cashier said that she didn't take card if I wouldn't buy more then just this one book, that she only took cash.

And I snapped. In a really annoyed voice I said:

-Are you serious? Oh my god. Alright, fine, Then I don't want anything. BYE.

And I just walked out. Poor lady must have been really shocked by my behavior.

Okay, I usually don't behave like this at all, but when I went to the city and was surrounded by all the smokers I just couldn't seem to handle it. I was at the edge of starting to cry every other minute.

In this sorts of situations I can be really hard on myself, thinking that I'm not good enough, that I should be able to handle this better since I have all the tools for it and so on.

But by thinking and judging myself as "not good enough" and "not strong enough" only makes it harder for myself, I know that I push myself as much as I can, and just the fact that I haven't been smoking/giving in to the mind who says  "I need nicotine" for four days now is something I need to remind myself of.

I used to smoke at least a package a day and have been doing that for several years now.

I started smoking to "calm myself down" when I didn't have the tools to do it in a more constructive way.

I also connect this need to calm myself down with the fact that I got a medication named Ritalin (for ADHD), witch is classified as amphetamine, around 7-8 years ago. I got a very high dose and obviously I had a hard time to just breath and relax, I always searched for things to do and I got panic if I was in a situation where I had to just sit still. I was this kind of person who always seemed to get into trouble, drugs alcohol and so on.

The doctors then decided to give me another medication as well, for anxiety, depression and OCD (obsessive control disorder) Witch didn't really help ether.

It took several years for me to understand and see the dishonesty in just trusting doctors, thinking that they know what is best for you. It's all about money.

If they make you healthy - will they get any more money from you? NO!

I mean, this is really horrible if you look at it closely, the therapists can't really help you, even if they want to, cause if they would help you it means that you would get healthy - leaving them without a client and with less money.

When I finally realized this I also understood that I am the only one who can help myself, I am the only one who can take responsibility for myself. I have to stand up and stop the mind, stop the medications, stop the drugs, stop the alcohol, stop the smoking and stop the physical abuse that I've been living in and doing to myself.

To here but no further!

You are all responsible for yourself and you should never trust someone who wants a paycheck for helping you.

I have been meeting a lot of therapists, doctors, shrinks and have been to all kinds of treatments, clinics and so on. I've spent half my life on this.

Then I came across Desteni - http://www.desteni.co.za/ - and since then I've changed more then what most people think is possible. Everybody is able to change and I am a living example. If you want to stop the self-abuse I suggest you to join Desteni - the most effective way to stop your self-hate, self-supression and everything in between.