2012: Self-Forgiveness and Baldness

In this blog-post I will share my experience with shaving my hair off – and how I dealt with the thoughts/emotions/feelings/pictures/memories through Self Forgiveness. 

I first started searching and creating justifications/reasons for why I should shave my hair off – as if the more reasons I had the easier it would get. So I came up with all of these justifications/validations that promoted my hair-shaving. 

It became almost like mantras, like statements that I fed my mind with. I thought that it would help me in creating the courage that I would need to actually do it. I now see that it was only based on the fact that I have low self-trust, that don’t think that I can make “the right” decisions, without finding out all the “good” reasons first.

When I stood with the clipper in my hand I all of a sudden forgot all the reasons why I wanted to shave the hair off in first place. The only thing I now, after shaving, can recall and that I can see is the real and relevant reason is because I felt like shaving it off and seeing how I would experience myself without hair. All the other reasons were made-up based on the fact that I thought that I needed all those reasons to be able to shave it off – as if I can’t make a decision based on ONE reason only.

 I’ve always known that it was a step that I needed to do for myself to take away the definitions I had about myself. Before I shaved the hair I started to hesitate, and I also became a little bit surprised of the fact that I actually started doubting my decision in shaving my head. 

Thoughts came up in regards to what others might think of me without hair, will I even be accepted? I also started to feel anxious and a little bit scared. Like who am I if I don’t have my blond curly hair? 

This decision obviously brought up more emotions and feelings than I thought it would – I thought that I didn’t care that much about my hair but when it came down to shaving it off I also faced the truth of how much I had defined myself according to my hair and my appearance.  Since I have defined myself according to my appearance to the extent that I have – I, instead of confessing this to myself, I instead made-up a belief that I don’t care about how I look at all. 

So – instead of facing how I actually see and experience myself I have created a polarity-personality – A type of personality that doesn’t care about how I look at all, I’m simply too cool to care. LOL. And instead I have, in my secret mind judged myself and my appearance. But outwards I have portrayed myself as a personality that judge people who are trapped within the beauty-system. I have projected my experience onto others and through not using make-up and “fashionable” clothes I am able to pretend that I’m not a “victim” of the beauty-system. 

I am indeed controlled by the beauty-system.

For all my life I’ve been so afraid that people will see me, recognize me or even notice me. 

I think that was why I feared the hair-shaving the most. Just because if I am bald then I have nothing to hide behind, people will most definitely start to notice me because I no longer look like the society wants you to look.

Self-Forgiveness;

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create reasons and justifications to why I should shave my hair off – all in fear that if I don’t have enough reasons than it wouldn’t be valid for me to shave it off. I now see, realize and understand that I can in fact make decisions for myself and I do not have to create reasons and justifications to why I should take a decision such as shaving my hair off. I am the directive principle of me and I take decisions for myself – it doesn’t matter if I have a reason that can justify my decisions or not – because I live for me and not according to what others might think about me/my life/my decisions.

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust me and my decisions – but instead have tried to find reasons and justifications in a belief that that will give me courage. I now see and realize that I am self-trust and that through doing the corrective applications such as shaving my hair off – I am actually showing myself that I am able to trust myself and my actions. I will not accept and allow myself to continue believing the voice in my head that tells me that I can’t trust myself and my actions. I now see and realize that there is no such thing as a “good” or “bad” decision – it is all about common sense and doing what is best for me. I see the common sense and what I have to do to take away self-definitions such as how I look and through shaving my hair off I am standing up for myself – it doesn’t have anything to do with taking decisions; it’s about seeing the common sense and doing what is best for me.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and find courage “out there” instead of giving the courage to myself as who I am and stop accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that I can find courage through coming up with reasons and justifications to why I should shave my hair off. I now see and realize that I do have the courage – all I need to do is just to accept the courage as me and stop trying to find courage through looking for it “out there”.

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to direct myself and my world/reality – but instead have been relying on reasons separate from  myself, in a belief that I can’t trust myself and what I do. I now see and realize that I live for me and that I can trust myself in what I do – that as long as I direct myself here in the physical and stop participating within the mind as thoughts/emotions/feelings – then I am not allowing my mind to control me but instead I take my power back to me and then I do not have to rely on my external world because I know that I stand stable in every decision I make because then I won’t base my decisions on how I experience myself within the mind – but instead do what is best for me as who I actually am.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what other people might think/say about me shaving my hair off – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that its actually just me fearing how I will experience myself in situations where people will see me without hair and through not seeing that I have actually projected this fear of how I will experience myself onto others, where I think and believe that I fear what others think about my appearance, but all the while it was actually just me fearing my experience together with others.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am getting influenced by what other people think about me shaving my hair off – instead of realizing that no one else is responsible for how I experience myself, because it’s always only I who can decide what I experience. I stop and I breathe when I see that I become uncomfortable and instead I realize that I can stand stable no matter what other people think about me – I am here.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t be accepted by others if I do not have any hair, instead of seeing the common sense which is that I am only fearing this because I actually don’t accept myself without my picture presentation. I now see and realize that I am not only my appearance, I am life – and I will not accept and allow myself to be directed and influenced by such thoughts that say that I won’t be accepted if I don’t look a certain way. I bring it back to myself and I see, realize and understand that for others to accept me I have to accept me.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as who I am according to my appearance, my picture presentation and my hair - and through this I have limited myself and my self-expression to only that – a picture. I now see, realize and understand that I am not just a picture or an idea of how I should look to be able to accept myself. I am life here and I will stop myself when I see such thoughts/beliefs coming up and instead I breath and apply myself here in the physical as what I actually are – I am not limited and defined by how I look - I accept myself unconditionally.

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to accept myself if I do not look as media portrays as beautiful – but instead always been striving for becoming  a perfect picture presentation – thus also fearing that if I shave my hair off I won’t fit in to this norm of beauty. I now see and realize that I’ve tried to be and become this beautiful picture just because I didn’t accept myself as who I actually am, but instead I tried to shape and mold my appearance to fit in because I defined what I saw within myself as not good enough.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and feel anxious about shaving my hair off - instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it’s actually just hair, but because I have defined hair as beauty and as a norm for females I didn’t allow myself to just simply shave it off but instead I allowed fear and anxiety to exist towards the point of not having hair - because I defined that to not fit into the norm of how a female should look. I now see and realize that the norm of how a female should look is not taking comfort into consideration – but is merely a beauty-system that keeps females enslaved. And through me, taking a stand and stopping my participation within the norms of how a beautiful female should look – I instead do what is best for me and what is comfortable for me, I also stand up for others to see that you actually don’t have to follow these rules, but instead you can make your own decision and see what is best for you - as all as one as equal.

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see hair for what it is – just hair. But instead I connected hair to beauty, sexuality and looks. I now see and realize that I have programmed myself, through believing in media, into thinking and believing that hair is so much more than what it actually is. I realize the separation within this and thus I stop and breathe when I see such beliefs coming up, instead I start seeing things for what it is - hair is just hair, nothing else.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect hair to emotions and feelings, and believing that hair represents being healthy and vital. I now see and realize that I only believe that hair represent health and vitality because I experienced hair-loss when being really sick. I realize that the difference now is that I have actually taken a stance and shaving my hair off, that it doesn’t have anything to do with health or vitality anymore – because now I am the directive principle of my actions – thus I am healthier than ever before, since I, for the first time ever actually direct myself.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect not having hair to being sick - instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have only defined not having hair to being sick because that was my last experience with losing my hair. I realize that this time it's completely different, since I am the one directing me and taking the power back to myself through taking the decision of shaving my hair off. 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend and believe that I’m not defined by my hair or my appearance, and in this deception I have actually created a polarity-personality where I, instead of seeing the reality of how much I define myself according to my hair and my appearance – I defended my ego through creating a personality and thus I didn’t believe that I had to go through the point of facing my self-definition. I now see, realize and understand that I, through taking my hair away, actually have to face this and stop the made-up-personality in which I believe that I am not defined by my looks. I stand up for myself and I stop fearing that people will see my bald head – through corrective applications such as taking my hat off in school, I stop any emotion/feeling/thought that comes up and through that I stand up for the real me and I stop the “I-don’t-care-about-how-I-look-personality”.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I don’t have hair then I don’t have any reason to use shampoo – In a belief that if I don’t clean my head with shampoo – then I will become dirty/unfresh. I now see and realize that this is just a belief, that I have created through participating within thoughts such as “I need shampoo to be clean/fresh/bacteria-free” – Thus it is only thoughts/beliefs. I realize that using shampoo is actually not what this is about – it’s about me, thinking and believing that I need to put shampoo on my head to be/become clean/fresh. I face this fear through stopping myself when I see such thoughts/beliefs coming up – Instead I breathe and take myself back to here and I direct myself through only washing myself with water – thus saying fuck off to the fear of not getting clean without shame poo.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing me without hair – just because I have always been able to hide behind my hair; thinking and believing that “at least I have blond curly hair” – as if that was always “something” – like a trait that I could use when I felt ugly. I now see and realize the dishonesty and separation in thinking and believing that I am ugly and thus I have to hide behind a picture of how my hair looks, since I’ve gotten so many compliments about how my hair – I defined myself according to this compliments and thus I limited and compromised myself into only that one thing – “someone with nice hair”. I do not accept and allow myself to continue limiting myself and my self-expression to only believing that I am a picture for others to see – I AM LIFE!

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my self-doubt about my appearance unto others – where I have participated within back-chat about people who are trapped within the beauty-system where they only care about their appearance. I now see, realize and understand the separation and dishonesty in projecting my problems unto others – and that I am in fact just as trapped within the beauty-system as anybody else – that the only difference is that I have participated within the “caring-about-my-appearance” within my secret mind, not wanting others to see how much I actually defined myself according to my appearance.

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be self-honest with myself in confessing to myself that I have actually been a slave to the beauty-system, but instead I tried to hide it from myself through only seeing everybody else’s problem within the beauty-system. I now realize that I actually have to - always bring the point back to myself – thus I cannot judge anybody else, because every time I think and believe that I am judging someone else, I am actually only judging me. I stop the self-judgment through standing up for life and thus not accept and allow judgment towards others. I work on the point of being trapped within the beauty-system instead of judging others for their points. I bring it all back to self!

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear of others seeing/noticing me to control me, to the extent where I actually have been hiding behind a picture-presentation, in a belief that if I look like everybody else – then nobody will notice/see me. I now see, realize and understand through hiding behind a picture-presentation I am actually supporting my ego and I am not facing myself as who I actually am. I now stop such fears when they come up and I face myself as who I am.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will give me attention and thus I have been hiding behind “looking like the norm”. I now see, realize and understand that I am fearing that others will give me attention – simply just because I haven’t allowed myself to give me attention/care – but instead I have neglected and compromised myself through thinking and believing that I don’t deserve the attention/care.

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to gift me to myself through giving myself care/attention – but instead I neglected and compromised myself through a belief that I don’t deserve care/attention – and thus I projected this unto others as well – where I never ever accepted attention/care from others. I now see and realize that it doesn’t have anything to do with deserving/not deserving – it’s about giving myself back to me, where I live and express myself as who I am as life.

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to give me to myself – but instead I compromised myself through hiding behind a picture/my hair – in a belief that that is all I am – a picture. I now see, realize and understand that I am in fact not a picture - and that it’s only in my mind where I believe that I am nothing more than that. Therefor I stop my participation within believes such as “I am only my appearance” through breathing and giving myself back to me – I express myself as who I am as life.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my belief of being only a picture in a picture world – through thinking and believing that people will not accept me in case I take away my picture out of the equation. I now see and realize that I am the one judging myself – thus if I stop judging myself as a picture, I won’t allow myself to get influenced by what other people might think about me/see me as. I take my power back to myself through stopping blaming others and believing that I fear what other might think about me – I realize that I need to change what I think about me into not defining myself according to my picture presentation. I accept myself as who I am and I am not a picture.