Day 44. After Anorexia: I'd Love To Be Skinny

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire, wish and crave having a slim/skinny body as the models in the media because of a belief and idea that if I was tall and skinny I would love myself and wouldn’t have any concerns anymore – not realizing that when love is based on a perception of a picture it is not real love or care, it is an energetic experience of and within the mind that will go from the polarity of hate to love and from love to hate – the energy will run out and so does the “love”. Within this I see, realize and understand that I use this desire to try and go from my experienced self-hate to love and thus if I would to become skinny and tall as the models in the media I believed that I would stop hating myself. But I now see, realize and understand that my self-hate does not stem from how I look – it stems from how I perceive and believe that I must look a certain way to deserve not hating myself. Within this I remind myself of the fact that when I was as skinny as I could get in where I was on the edge of dying of starvation – I was not loving myself – I would still only see flaws and fat – so thus within this I realize that as long as I am trying to achieve love/self-acceptance through looking a certain way – I will NEVER become satisfied, because within my mind I will constantly judge and see imperfections – just so that I can remain a slave to the energy-game within my mind. I see and realize that the easiest way out of this self-hate is to actually just STOP defining myself according to my perceived body-size. So thus within this I commit myself to write and walk my practical applications on my way to stop my self-definitions with the realization that defining myself according to my body-size does not support me in stopping the self-hate – it will only charge the polarity-construct even more in where my care/acceptance/love will be based on what I see in the mirror with my eyes that has a veil of judgment from the mind – not based on actual care/acceptance/love – because if it would be real care/acceptance/love it would be dependent on my outer appearance – it would be unconditional.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self-judgment and jealousy when and as I see other females that I perceive, with my judging eyes, as skinner than me and within this becoming completely obsessed and possessed by the comparison-game in where I search and look for skinnier females just so that I can remain in a state of eternal self-hate and thus perpetuate my enslavement to the energy of the mind. I see and realize that this is a manipulation-tactic to keep me  dependent and addicted to the mind as the ego and thus I am making sure that I will never become free from my self-hate when and as I allow myself to consciously look for other females to judge myself in comparison to. I see and realize that I am doing this deliberately to increase/feed my self-hate even more so thus I see that I can within this just stand up and stop and instead take actual self-responsibility in deciding to move myself in this physical reality so that I do not move my eyes to look and compare to other females. I commit myself to stop immediately in moments in where I see that I am deliberately looking at other females and comparing my body-size to theirs and instead I just breathe myself out of that possession and I concentrate on my walking and breathing – here in the physical in where my body-size does not define or change me.

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how automatic my behavior becomes when I am not completely aware, here, breathing – with and in the physical. I now see and realize that when I miss just one moment of awareness I am already then laying out the foundation of fucking up and I see that when I am not here, living my commitments of not judging myself according to my body-size/appearance but instead am participating within my mind, not entirely here with the physical, I will in an instant go back into that automatic behavior in where I will pinch and watch my stomach in the mirror and judge my thighs and go into that never-ending-cycle of self-hate and self-judgment. Thus I flag-point situations in where I see that I am moving towards the mirror with the starting-point of wanting to lift my shirt and pinch my stomach and BEFORE I even go there I STOP and I BREATHE – with and as the realization that that was just my mind, trying for a moment there take advantage of my unawareness. I bring myself back to awareness and I stop these fuckups, through walking, firm and steadfast – not judging, just stopping and breathing myself back to here.

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if and when I am here in this physical, completely aware, no judgments/comparisons/self-definitions exists – that this will only arise if and when I am deliberately participating within my mind and feeding the energy that it exist and consist of. I thus commit myself to realize that in awareness no judgments/comparisons/self-definitions exists and within that realize that it CANNOT be real – since it is not eternally here, only in moments of mind-participation. With this realization I support myself to not take the experiences of and within my mind so serious – since I now see that it is impossibly real.

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I desire, want and need to be skinny/slim because then I believe and perceive it as if I would get others validation, confirmation, attention and that others would love me more – not seeing and realizing that I actually change my interpretation of how I perceive others to see me – that how others actually see me does not correspond with my mind’s interpretation since I deliberately am always trying to see myself as imperfect/not good enough, so that I can give my power away to my mind - and thus I create a belief that others would give me more if I was skinny, so that I would continue existing within the energy of and within the mind in where I am never satisfied/seeing myself as good enough – I now see, realize and understand that what others give me becomes changed and molded within my mind since I deliberately am trying to manipulate myself to see others as if they are always judging my body as not good enough. I see and realize that I am projecting my experience onto others in where I am trying to make it seem as if others never see my body as good enough – when all the while it is just me who is the one judging my body as imperfect/not good enough. Within this I see and realize that if I would accept/love/care for my body unconditional then nobody else’s opinion would matter so thus I commit myself to always bring the point back to self and when I see that I am going into fear of others not seeing my body as good enough – I realize that this is just based on my own self-judgment and lack of self-care/self-acceptance/self-love.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I have a skinny/slim body I will become happy and pleased with myself – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have even proved myself wrong once in where I would go to the utter extreme of what is possible to reach in terms of skinniness – and thus I can clearly see that I did not become happy/pleased with myself - I became completely miserable. So within this I see, realize and understand that this is deliberate manipulation from my mind to keep me within the never-ending time-looping in where I will never become free. I commit myself to stand up in moments in where I see that I am trying to manipulate myself into thinking and believing that I would become happy/pleased with myself “if only I lost some weight” and instead I realize that this is not me, this is not what supports life, this I manipulation and thus an illusion – within this I commit myself to stop such ludicrous and instead just see that that belief is not real or serious – it’s a fucking joke from my mind. I thus stop and breathe.

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the reason why I am constantly searching for attention and validation for my body from others is because I am trying to make up for how I experienced myself as a child in where I saw myself as being in the way all the time and within that never really experienced that love/care/attention that I needed. I now see, realize and understand that the love/care/attention that I need is actually something that only I can give myself but because I never learned how to care for myself when I was a child I would go “out there” – trying to find someone who could now teach me/show me how to love/care for myself. I see and realize that I do not need anybody else to show me how to care for myself and that I will actually never love myself through trying to find someone else that can love and appreciate my body – I have to stand as and with that decision and stop projecting my self-responsibility onto others through waiting for someone else to show me that I am worthy – I have to commit myself to love and care for myself and my body no matter how I perceive others to see me.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the desire, want and need to be skinny is greater/more important than my human physical body – and within that allowed myself to completely neglect and disregard myself as who I actually am – just because of a voice in my head. I see, realize and understand that my physical body is what is real – that what exists within and of my mind as the desires/wants/needs is mere illusions and are just there to show me what I have allowed within my world to direct and control me – thus I commit myself to break that control as the never-ending-cycle and instead take my power back to self in where I stand up through the desires/wants/needs to be skinny and instead I debunk the shit out of it within realizing that it is just energy-based experiences that does not serve any purpose what so ever but to keep me enslaved to the never ending cycle of trying to please that desire/want/need through neglecting my physical body – when all the while it was my physical that was real and the experience within my mind that was based on illusions. I commit myself to stop the illusions and when and as I see that the desire/want/need of pleasing my mind comes up – to stop and breathe – and realize that what is now going on as the experience that I am having is NOT REAL – it is an ILLUSION – so thus I will not accept or allow myself to listen or comply to that experience but instead I stand up and I see that moment as a window of opportunity in where I can stand up as and for me and show my mind that I will not allow such bullshit anymore – now I am in charge and I will only accept and allow that which is best for all – including me as the physical!

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I would experience myself differently if I wasn’t skinny and within this not seeing or realizing that I am limiting and restricting myself to only define myself as a skinny picture/image. Within this I see and realize that I am diminishing myself when and as I allow myself to think and believe that I would “lose” something of myself, as my self-definition as a skinny picture/image, if my body were to change and not be skinny anymore. I see within this that the experience I have of myself as skinny is actually not who I am but I realize that I am holding on to that definition as a “safe-net” because of fear of who I would be/become without the definition of and as a skinny image. I see and realize that I am actually diminishing and limiting myself and my self-expression when and as I allow myself to define myself according to the image/picture I see of myself in the mirror and that I am in fact, in reality so much more than just a picture/image – so thus I commit myself to stop when and as I see that I am going into fear of not being able to define myself as skinny and instead I realize that I am holding myself back when I allow that to direct/control me.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self-judgment and judging my body as not good enough/ugly/imperfect immediately when I would go into an argument/dispute with someone else and thus used such moments to feed the self-hate and self-judgment through projecting my experience of their anger onto my body in seeing it as if they are now angry with me and they wouldn’t be as angry if I were skinnier. I see, realize and understand that this is complete manipulation and that I do not have to accept and allow such back-chat. I commit myself to, in the continuation when disputes/arguments arises – to stop myself from going into my mind judging and hating my body and instead realize that my body has nothing to do with the argument/dispute – that this is just my mind trying to manipulate me into a state of inferiority and eternal self-hate. I stand up within this and I breathe – Instead of going into immediate reaction, due to my self-created belief of the dispute/argument being because of my body “lacking”/not being good enough, I breathe and I face the real issue/point that the argument is about – seeing that my judgment is preventing me from actually finding out what is going on.  I commit myself to slow myself down so that I can prevent myself from going into an argument/dispute with the starting-point of anger and judgment.