Day 46. Reach Perfection or DIE!

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that only when I am loved by others can I achieve ”good enough” – and thus allowed myself to go “out there”, trying to get others appreciation/validation/confirmation because of a delusion that that would make me experience “good enough” – not realizing that I can only experience “good enough” for so long since it is an energy within and of my mind and that immediately when I do not get or perceive it as if I get others appreciation/validation/confirmation I will go into a state of mind in where I see myself as not good enough – and thus jumping from polarity to polarity instead of standing up in such moments, realizing that I am existing in a never-ending-cycle-construct in where I will never, ever attain an eternal experience of being “good enough” when and as I am trying to reach that through getting others “love”. I see, realize and understand that I am making myself inferior to my mind and to others through thinking and believing that I need others appreciation/validation/confirmation for me to be able to be “good enough” and I see that when my experience of being “good enough” is based on how others perceive me – I am perpetuating the enslavement to that experience and perception and thus will never be able to walk stable. I do not accept or allow myself to continue searching for an experience of being good enough through trying to get others to “love” me but instead I commit myself to walk myself out of that experienced energy that I attain when I perceive it as if someone else is appreciating me and instead I realize that it is an energetic experience so thus it is not real, which means that I will jump from that “positive” experience to the polarity as an “negative” experience and within that I keep myself enslaved to that constant search for reaching that positivity again. Within this I realize that I will never become stable or experience acceptance towards myself when I am trying to reach and attain it “out there” so thus I commit myself to walk and breathe myself out of that experience of “positivity”/”negativity” dependent on others and Instead I realize that I am feeding the never-ending-cycle so thus I stop and I bring myself back to stability in this physical reality – in where I accept myself unconditionally, no matter how others treat/see me.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am only “good enough” if and when I get the highest grade/most marks in school and thus would define myself according to the grade that I get in where nothing except the highest score is acceptable. Instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it isn’t actually about the grade/score/marks – because even when I get the highest grade I am still not satisfied/seeing myself as good enough but instead I will go into a state of fear of loss in where I will experience stress and anxiety within the fear of not maintain that grade so thus constantly worry and fear “losing” that grade and thus remaining in that constant search for good enough/perfection. I now see, realize and understand that it is not meant for me to experience good enough, ever – because then it would mean that I go into fear of loss so thus I acknowledge situations in where I see that I am consciously trying to push myself towards the experience of “good enough” and I realize that the experience of being “good enough” is equivalent to “fear of loss” and thus it is a never-ending-construct in where I just remain in that energy-game, trying to please my mind – when all the while my minds intension was just to attain/get energy and I am constantly giving it energy/power over me through remaining in this construct of not being good enough/fear of loss. Within this I see and realize that it is possible to attain/get the highest grade without me participating with the starting-point of wanting to achieve “good enough” and thus go into “fear of loss” – but instead attain the highest grade/most marks through directing myself to do what is required, without doing it with the starting-point of fear/self-definition. I commit myself to walk the school within and as self-direction and instead of going in with the intension of trying to validate/confirm myself through getting the highest score I just direct myself in the physical with self-discipline to do what is necessary to be done and I stop that energy as the experiences of fear/anxiety/stress/worry/self-definition/striving for perfection - and instead I breathe through that with the realization that nothing will change in this physical reality due to what grade I receive.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when and if the apartment is messy then that is a sign of me not being disciplined enough to clean/organize and thus connecting that experience/belief of not being disciplined enough to and as me not being good enough. I now see and realize that I am actually not defined by my environment and I realize that when I allow myself to connect having a messy apartment to me not being good enough I am actually giving my power away to that experience and will thus become so drained and low because of that experience – and thus instead of just organizing/cleaning I give my energy away to the mind, participating within the experience of not being good enough. I see, realize and understand that it is so much easier to just move myself into taking care of the apartment and doing one thing at a time and that I am sabotaging for myself when and as I allow myself to go into my mind, drowning myself with the experience of not being good enough and thinking “where should I start?” and thus going into overwhelmingness/too-much-ness. When and as I see that the apartment needs to be organized/cleaned I move myself to take on one thing/part at a time and thus prevent myself from going into the mind as the energy-experience of not being good enough. When and as I see that I am going into an experience of me not being good enough and judging/defining myself according to the “mess” – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am paralyzing myself through allowing myself to go into that experience so thus I just stop and I walk the physical steps that needs to be walked. I realize that I can use the time more effectively through instead of judging and defining myself according to the mess instead just take that time to clean something/organize something. Within this I realize that organizing/cleaning is not what is hard/tough/rough – what is hard/tough/rough is to participate within the mind – so thus I commit myself to just breathe and realize that moving myself is so much easier than sitting, paralyzed, complaining to myself about how much it is that needs to be done.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that asking for help is a sign of not being good enough and thus prevented and limited myself from asking for assistance/support when I would need it, all because of the ego within and of the mind, thinking and believing that if I ask for help then I am weak and that it is a sign of not being good enough. I now see, realize and understand that it is actually the complete opposite, that when I allow myself to let go of the ego and actually ask for help/assistance/support I am in fact letting go of the ego within the mind and instead I stop giving my power away to an idea and belief of and within my mind saying that I am inferior if I ask for help. I see and realize that I am actually making myself inferior when I do not allow myself to ask for assistance but instead give up and give in to the voice within my head and I realize that I am preventing myself from growing/expanding when I am trying to make everything on my own. I commit myself to realize that I am equal to others and thus within this I commit myself to ask for help/assistance/support when I require it and thus I stop myself from going into that experience of not being good enough through realizing that I am actually preventing myself from expanding if I never get others point of view.

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that searching and striving for becoming “good enough” within my mind will, inevitably, lead to experiences of depression, sadness, inferiority, self-judgment, self-hate, self-rage and misery because experiences of and within the mind as the positivity I experience when I reach a “goal” that I once perceived/valued as perfection will soon fade when I will within my mind always come up with new ”goals” and ideas/beliefs/perceptions of what perfection/good enough is. Thus I see and realize that when I am trying to reach good enough I am actually just laying out a foundation of misery for myself because even when I reach the idea, belief and perception of “good enough” I will change the definition once more within my mind so that I can always strive for “more” and within that perpetuating my enslavement and addiction to my mind. I commit myself to realize and flag-point situations in where I see that I am deliberately moving myself to please my desire to be/become “good enough” and instead I stop my delusion through realizing that walking that path will not lead anywhere except deeper into the mind and thus become a prisoner to my own creation. I stop here, I will not accept or allow myself to continue being directed and controlled by the desire/want/need to become “perfect” as the mind’s definition of “perfection”/”good enough” – but instead I perfect myself through directing myself out of the mind and instead walk myself in this physical reality in where I commit myself to only trust that which is real, tangible, here – as life.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when others doesn’t seem to appreciate/like me it is because I am not attractive enough and thus going into an experience of not being good enough/perfect and accordingly define myself according to my appearance in where I judge how I look and create a belief and perception that if people do not seem to appreciate/validate/confirm/love me it is because I am not pretty/attractive enough – within this I see and realize that I have allowed myself to place my self-value/self-worth into my perception of how others see me and accordingly constantly think and believe that how others see me/treat me is dependent on how they think I look on the outside and thus thinking and believing that if someone doesn’t love/appreciate me it is because I am not perfect/good enough on the outside and thus would go into self-blame, self-hate and self-judgment towards my physical appearance, thinking and believing that if only I was pretty/attractive then people would appreciate me more and thus I would be able to see myself as good enough.  I now see, realize and understand that I am deliberately going into that experience of thinking and believing that others judge me according to my appearance and will love/hate me according to how I look because I, myself judge and define me according to how I perceive myself to look and will accordingly experience myself as either carefree/expressional/happy at times in where I perceive myself as attractive or will go into an experience of depression/sadness/seclusion at times in where I see and perceive myself as ugly and thus perceive it as if it is others who judge/define me according to how I look – when all the while it was me judging myself but I would project that onto others so that I wouldn’t have to take self-responsibility for what I allow within myself but instead would remain in that constant search for others validation/confirmation. I now see, realize and understand that when I accept myself unconditional I won’t experience myself differently dependent on how I perceive others to see me or how I perceive myself to look so thus I commit myself to stop defining myself according to my appearance in where I will judge and experience myself according to my perception of how I look on the outside. When and as I see that I am judging the reflection of myself in the mirror and going into either happiness/sadness dependent on my perception of my appearance – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am seeing myself through the veils of judgment within and of my mind and that I am feeding my mind with energy and making myself inferior to that experience through accepting it as me – instead I do not accept or allow myself to perpetuate that enslavement and experience through taking it seriously but instead I commit myself to just WALK AWAY FROM THE FUCKING MIRROR and realize that the picture I see is not who I am, I am not defined by the reflection in the mirror – I am not a picture – I stand up as and for life and I walk away.

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have deliberately made it impossible for myself to achieve “good enough” and perfection – and that this is actually something that I have done as a manipulation-tactic to always remain enslaved to that strive towards becoming an idea and perception within my mind as “good enough” and thus allowed that to keep me busy every day of my life since the goal was intentionally set up to be unachievable. I see and realize that this keeps me busy from actually stopping and standing up as the directive principle of me and thus this is manipulation from and of my mind in where I stand within a never-ending-cycle of wasting my life to try and achieve good enough and within that constantly and continuously give my power away to my mind through feeding it the energy that it requires to sustain in control over me. Within this I realize that I am enslaving myself to the mind and will continue doing so as long as I allow myself to remain in that strive to become good enough/perfect – I see and realize that it is deliberately made up to be unachievable so thus when and as I see that I am going into that game and strive to attain/reach “good enough” – I stop and I breathe – I acknowledge that I have gone into that never-ending-cycle once more and I realize that it will never take me anywhere – only deeper into my mind in where I am constantly enslaving myself through feeding it the energy that it gets through me giving in/giving up to the desire to be “good enough”. I see and realize that “good enough” is only an illusion and that my mind is constructed to never, ever reach “good enough”. Thus I commit myself to instead realize that “good enough” was always here, in the physical reality, but that I allowed myself to neglect and disregard that because of a belief and perception of the ability to experience good enough within my mind. Within this I realize that the one and only way to achieve “good enough” is to actually stop that strive and realize that I am enough in this physical reality – and thus when I stop the mind and instead stand up here in the physical – there is no good/bad – it is only me, here, breathing.