Day 69. I am a Beautiful LIE

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself differently dependent on the image I see in the mirror – and would thus some days judge the picture as ugly and some days as beautiful and within this would thus either go into sadness/shame/self-hate when I perceive the picture as the reflection of me within the mirror as ugly and on the days that I perceive the picture as the reflection of me within the mirror as beautiful I would go into an experience of happiness/satisfaction/”self-empowerment” – and within this would thus also act according to how I experience myself in where if I “feel” beautiful I would become more outgoing and talkative and on the other hand if I perceive myself to be ugly I would go into a state of withdrawal in where I am trying my best to not get people’s attention shifted to me – in fear of the fact that they will see “how ugly I am”.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that people will be less prone to like me if I am ugly/if I perceive it as if I am ugly and projecting this idea/belief/perception onto others – and within this not seeing, realizing and understanding that when and as I perceive myself to be ugly I actually change my expression as who I am to be more withdrawal/ashamed/embarrassed and self-judgmental. Thus within this I see, realize and understand that I am the one not liking myself when/as I perceive myself to be ugly and that I am projecting this onto others, creating a fear that others will judge me. I realize that if I do not judge myself then nobody else’s judgments will matter or influence me. I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I see that I am judging the reflection of me in the mirror and instead see and realize that I am not defined by how I perceive myself to look.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take for granted that people will not like me if they perceive me as ugly – and within this not seeing or realizing that I have allowed myself to change and mold myself according to whether or not I perceive myself as beautiful/ugly and thus I would search for “signs” from people that they dislike me and then I would draw the conclusion that the reason must be that I am ugly and when I perceive it as if people appreciate/like me I would draw the conclusion that it is because they “approve” of my looks. I now see, realize and understand that if I am taking for granted that people will not like me when I perceive myself to be ugly then that is what my mind will see – because I am looking for it, thus I am creating it. Within this it is actually my responsibility for how I experience myself and that I am the one who has created this whole experience – thus it is based on my mind’s interpretation and creation. I commit myself to stop myself and breathe when and as I see that I am changing myself and my expression because of how I have perceived myself to look in the mirror and furthermore I commit myself to not change my behavior/expression according to how I have judged the picture as either ugly/beautiful but instead stand stable, here, as me – no matter how I interpret pictures within my mind.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to torture myself within my mind through the judgments that I use towards the image I see as the refection of me within the mirror – and would thus go into self-hate and self-judgment if/when I do not live up to the idea/belief/perception I have created within my mind of how an acceptable body/face looks – and within this would thus allow my mind to torture my body through going into an energetic experience of shame/self-hate/embarrassment and dishonoring my body and physical through seeing it as merely a picture, an appearance – not taking into consideration that what I see with my human physical eyes has a veil of judgment in where I will constantly judge/compare myself to the image I have created within my mind of how I supposedly should/must look to be “satisfied”. I see, realize and understand that the images that I have created within my mind of how an acceptable appearance looks like is based on years of programming in where I have been fed with pictures from the magazines, from ads, movies and television – in where the most beautiful girl always gets the most attention/validation/confirmation/love – and then I would thus connect beauty to being liked/loved/appreciated/happy. I now see, realize and understand that I am the one making myself experiencing self-hate/sadness because I have allowed myself to think and believe that without having a specific appearance I will never be able to be “satisfied” with myself. I do not accept or allow myself to continue comparing myself, as the image I see of me in the mirror, to the pictures I have programmed myself to think and believe is apparently “beauty” – but instead I commit myself to stop and breathe – realize that the image I see is based on judgments and definitions within my mind and thus I have forgotten the real purpose of my body – which is to give me life. I furthermore commit myself to honor life and my body for its unconditional support and thus not give attention to the thoughts within my mind in relation to my body as an appearance.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that beauty is looking a specific way – not seeing or realizing that this image and belief I have of what beauty is was not something I was born with – it was something I taught myself later on when I would see all of these apparently beautiful girls/females, in the ads, movies, television, media, my environment, and all the love/appreciation/confirmation/validation they got from others – and I would thus teach myself to connect beauty to these energetic experiences of being loved/appreciated/confirmed/validated. I now see, realize and understand that beauty is just an idea, a belief, a perception – that is brought on generations after generations – the only thing that changes is the definition of what beauty is and within this beauty was never something sustainable, real or tangible – since the one deciding what beauty is is the society, that are being brainwashed by the media, televisions, ads, movies, companies that wants to make a profit and so on. Within this I can clearly see that the judgments I have towards what beauty/ugliness is, is something I have allowed myself to bring on from others – thus it is not real but mere beliefs. I commit myself to stop the endless cycle of bringing on the beliefs/ideas/perception of what beauty apparently is, and that beauty apparently is important, onto others – but instead I take a stance to not allow myself to continue believing that I am merely a picture – I commit myself to stop looking at myself as a picture that must get approval by others and instead I accept myself unconditional.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get addicted to the experiences of being loved/appreciated/confirmed/validated by others and would thus turn to beauty to apparently be able to get these experiences – within this not seeing or realizing that I am the one creating the experiences of being loved/appreciated/confirmed/validated because of how I interpret my environment and the people around me and how I perceive them to see me. I now see, realize and understand that this is a never-ending-cycle of and within my mind in where it’s only intension is to receive energy – and I am giving my power away to the mind when and as I go and look for appreciation from others and thinking that being beautiful will make others around me appreciate me more. I commit myself to stop thinking and believing that the experience of being loved/appreciated/confirmed/validated is real and instead I see and realize that it is only experiences as energy within and of my mind. I commit myself to take a stance in where I stand, the same, stable, here, tomorrow, today, in each and every breath – and not allow any manipulation from and of my mind in relation to thinking and believing that I must experience myself differently dependent on the reflection I see in the mirror.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish and limit myself to see myself as merely a picture in a picture reality and within this would thus think and believe that all that matters is how I look – not taking into consideration the abuse that I have put my body through just in the name of beauty. I now see, realize and understand the terror and abuse I have allowed – not only towards myself but to all beings/creatures/living things on this earth through allowing myself to comply to the beauty-system in where I would send out the message to everybody around me saying “all that matters is how you look” and thus would influence others around me through not giving a shit about the reality as how this world has come to be but only cared about my self-interest and my self-religion in where I would neglect and disregard everything on this planet just because of an experience within my mind – a delusion within and of my mind. This is it, this is where I take a stance to not allow and accept any more bullshit – I do not accept or allow myself to continue neglecting and disregarding everything and everyone just because of some idea/belief that I need to satisfy the image I have within my head of how I must look to apparently reach satisfaction – instead I stop the belief that the idea within my mind is real and instead I commit myself to walk, equal to and one with my human physical body, satisfying my bodies need for it to survive, live and get supported – to show others that it is possible to stand up from a life of self-abuse and self-torture and live self-acceptance here in each and every breath.