Day 49. Secret Desire

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust me and my capacity to direct myself within my daily application of stopping my thoughts and doing what is best in and for the physical reality and because of this mistrust I would fear not being able to control, direct and lead myself to do what I see is the best in each situations such as not being directed by my thoughts, emotions, feelings, desires, beliefs and ideas but instead stand up for and as what is best for all – but instead allowed myself to diminish and weaken myself to be and become inferior to my mind as the thoughts, emotions, feelings, desires, beliefs and ideas through thinking and believing that I want to follow and act according to my mind’s desires, feelings, emotions and thoughts, not realizing that this is pure manipulation in where I allow myself to manipulate myself into a state of inferiority and confusion through participating within thoughts and back-chat for a lengthy period of time up until the point in where I see it as if the thoughts, desires, emotions and feelings is me, as who I am – not realizing that I have allowed myself to be and become that because and through mind-manipulation in where I did not allow myself to stop immediately but instead thought that the mental participation would lead me to something “greater” and “better”. I now see, realize and understand that this is a sign of me, not wanting to take responsibility and sort out the mess but instead tried to find a quick solution through running away from the problem and instead participate within my mind and thus could ignore and neglect the reality through getting directed by my secret mind as back-chat. I see, realize and understand that the mind as the thoughts, desires, wants, needs, emotions, feelings, beliefs and ideas can NEVER, EVER lead to what is best for all nor me so thus I commit myself to in the continuation when and as I see that something resonates from and of my mind to immediately stop, stand up, investigate the point and not allow the point to direct or manipulate me from doing what is best for all. I commit myself to stop before I take a decision/move myself and make sure that I am not being directed/manipulated by my mind as the inner experiences but that I am instead doing what is best for all – including me, so that I within this can start to live within and as self-honesty and not according to the illusions within and of my mind.  

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I do not want to stop my desires, emotions, feelings and thoughts – because of an idea and belief that if I follow my desires, emotions, feelings and thoughts I will experience a greater fulfillment and enjoy and thus within this allowed myself to get manipulated by my own lie in where I act according to the idea, perception and belief instead of immediately see and realize that I am actually just getting manipulated by my mind in where I am searching and looking for a quick-fix to my “problems” through trying to follow my mind – instead of seeing and realizing that when and as I allow myself to follow my mind – nothing can be fixed. When and as I see that I am going into my mind thinking and believing that I want to follow my desires, emotions, feelings and thoughts – I stop and I breathe – I realize that following my mind will never, ever lead to a good outcome nor what is best for all because the mental experiences is based on energy that will always, with no exception run out and thus I will be stuck in an eternal cycle of trying to please the mind until I realize that to do what is best for all, including me, is to allow myself to stop that cycle once and for all and realize that every decision that is based on the illusions within and of my mind can never lead to anything but a never ending cycle of abuse so thus I commit myself to stop myself when and as I see that the experience of desire to follow/get directed by an illusion within my mind comes up – to stop and breathe, and realize that whatever I do with the starting-point of mind-participation will always lead to misuse, abuse and dishonesty. Within this I commit myself to stop and take my power back to realize that the idea and belief of wanting to follow and get directed by my mind is PURE manipulation and nothing else – thus I laugh at the extent to which my mind have lead me and instead I walk the path of self-direction and won’t allow the mind to distract or influence my decisions or assessments on what practical steps I will take. I make sure that I walk with and as self-honesty so that I do not have to time-loop and walk through unnecessary consequences. 

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be embarrassed and ashamed of what is going on within my mind as the desires, emotions, feelings and thoughts so thus I would hide it and suppress it within - instead of walking the practical steps towards releasing the illusion. Within this I see and realize that I am prolonging and preventing myself from stopping the illusions because of yet another illusion which is embarrassment. I do not accept or allow myself to continue preventing and limiting myself from walking myself out of the dishonesty through allowing embarrassment and shame to direct and control my process but instead I walk myself unconditionally in my process of stopping through and with the realization that what is going on within my mind is nothing to be ashamed/embarrassed about because it is not real – but that I make it real through attaching even more emotions and feelings to it and/or acting according to it. I commit myself to realize that whatever is going on within my mind is just simply points that needs direction and I realize that it will take time and continuous application so thus I do not accept or allow myself to continue getting prevented and stopped by an illusionary experience of “pride” and embarrassment – I stand with and as steadfastness to stop myself from giving in and giving up to my mind.

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to REALLY see, realize and understand that every experience, feeling, emotion and desire that comes from and of the mind is in fact NOT REAL but completely misleading and deceptive – so thus I do not have to act according to it or allow myself to get manipulated by it. Within this I see, realize and understand that I have allowed myself to manipulate myself into a state of believing that if and when I act according to my inner experiences, emotions, feelings and desires then I will become more satisfied, avoid fear and sadness and instead do what is best for me – instead of seeing and realizing that acting according to and getting directed by my mind is NEVER, EVER, AT NO TIME, CERTAINLY NOT going to lead to what is best for me, because as long as I get directed by and influenced by my mind I will make decisions that is based on self-interest and illusions and thus constantly neglecting and disregard the real reality as to what is here in this physical. I commit myself to see and realize that the only thing that is actually best for me is to NOT EVER get directed and controlled by my mind as the experiences within – but instead take responsibility in every decision and step that I take to make sure that I am not getting directed or influenced by the illusions within my mind – but instead realize that the illusions within my mind will only lead me into self-deception, self-hate, self-rage, self-judgment and regret when and as I realize what I have allowed myself to mislead me to not stand up for and as life. Thus I commit myself to actually stand up for and as life through stop myself when and as I see that I am about to make a decision based on the mind’s self-interest and within that realize that every step I take, every direction I take – must be cleared from mind-participation because otherwise I will just lead myself into self-hate due to conscious dishonesty. I see, realize and understand that every time I make decisions based on self-interest I am being dishonest and have gotten mislead by my mind so thus I commit myself to flag-point situations in where I know that I have a tendency of getting manipulated/mislead by my mind and instead within such moments I stand up and breathe before taking any decision/making any assessments.