Day 53. I Wish I Never Said That

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having anything interesting/stimulating to say/ask people who I meet due to an idea and belief that I must get people to like me to be able to see myself as worthy and good enough. Within this I see and realize that I have formed a pattern in where I am continuously searching for self-value and self-worth through getting others to validate/confirm that I am likeable because of my social interaction and thus thinking and believing that if I do not have anything interesting/stimulating/smart/funny to say (according to my perception), then people will define me according to that and thus not see me as likeable/fun/smart and within this I would thus see myself as not worthy/good enough. I now see, realize and understand that my value and worth is not based on what others might think about me and my “social skills” and thus I realize that I have to take responsibility in establishing self-trust, self-value and self-wroth and I realize that that will never be attained through others or me defining myself according to my perception of what others think of me. I commit myself to realize that how others see me/think of me because of how I interact/whether or not I have something interesting/stimulating/funny/smart to say – is first of all just my perception of what others think of me and second of all what others might think about me due to my social interaction does still not define who I am or my self-value/self-worth. I commit myself to stop defining myself as lacking/not good enough/not likeable if and when I perceive it as if I do not have anything interesting/stimulating/funny/smart to say but instead I just breathe in such situations with the realization that my “social skills” does not define who I am nor my self-value or self-worth.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of awkwardness/embarrassment/shame if and when I do not experience it as if I am socializing effectively/contributing to an interesting/stimulating conversation – and within this would allow myself to be ashamed and blame myself for not being “entertaining”. I now see, realize and understand that this is yet another aspect of my point of not perceiving myself as good enough/perfect within my mind and that I would thus blame and judge myself according to my outer “performance” in regards to getting others to “like” me – not seeing and realizing that if and when I allow myself to establish self-worth and self-acceptance in where I am not judging and defining myself according to my perception of what others might think of me - then what others do think of me won’t matter. So thus I see and realize that it is my responsibility to establish my own self-worth/self-value/self-acceptance because as long as I am addicted to the experience of getting others confirmation on me being “good enough” – I will never actually be able to become satisfied since the experience will constantly run out and I will thus have to go “out there” to try and find it from others once again – thus I see that it is so much easier to once and for all stop defining myself according to how I perceive others to see me and instead live for me, as me, express me, live me and stand as self-acceptance, self-worth and self-value so that I once and for all can free myself from the constant competition within my mind towards becoming “perfect” and “good enough”.  

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am existing within a competition within my mind in where I am trying to prove myself wrong in my belief of me not being good enough and I see that I am trying to “win” through getting others to like me – as if I then can prove to myself, within my mind, that I am in fact good enough. Within this I see and realize that all of this is illusions, that I am just feeding my mind energy through participating within the made-up-competition within my mind. I commit myself to stop the illusionary competition within my mind in where I see that I am trying to prove that I am good enough through getting others appreciation/validation/confirmation and instead I stop for a moment when and as I see that I am blaming/judging myself as not good enough when I perceive it as if others do not appreciate me and instead I commit myself to stand up within such moments and realize that if I would perceive it as if others would appreciate/validate/confirm me – then nothing would actually, really change in this physical reality – so I thus ask myself the question; what’s the point of constantly trying to get others to like me? I see, realize and understand that I am existing within a never-ending-cycle so thus I stop the bullshit and I realize that I live for me, thus I must establish self-confidence, self-value, self-worth and self-acceptance and I won’t accept or allow myself to base it on my perception of what others MIGHT think of me – since “my perception” comes from my mind – and I realize that my mind’s only interest/intension is to sustain itself and it does so when and as I give my power and energy away to “my perception” and the never-ending competition in where I am striving for becoming the illusion “good enough”.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over-analyze what I have said/done to try and find something that people might have been taken the wrong way/might have sounded stupid/wrong/silly and within this becoming addicted to being in “control” through knowing where I stand in relation to others and thus used this over-analyzing-technique to make sure that I can draw a conclusion of what others think of me and thus adjust myself accordingly and if and when I see that I have said something stupid/silly/wrong think and believe that I have to compensate in some way to be able to attain others appreciation. When and as I see that I am going into a state of over-analyzing what I have said/done – I immediately stop and breathe – I realize that me over-analyzing will not lead anywhere except into an experience of not being good enough, self-blame and self-judgment. I see, realize and understand that within my mind I will always, constantly try to find something “wrong” with what I have said/done because as long as I stay in that experience of self-blame and self-judgment I will continuously exist within the competition of trying to reach “good enough” – when all the while the competition was just a manipulation-tactic from my mind to keep me enslaved and for me to give my power away. I thus commit myself to stop making myself inferior to the need/desire/want to over-analyze and instead I stand up and I stop myself from going down that path – instead I bring myself back to here with and as breath.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I would experience myself if people do not appreciate/like/validate me and within this would think and believe that that changes me as who I am and thus my self-worth/self-value. I see and realize that I have created a belief and idea that one’s worth/value is aligned with how appreciated/liked a person is by others and I see that this stems from a life-long programming in where the whole society screams out that you are nothing if you are not loved by others. I thus commit myself to stand up and do what is best for all, which is to stop defining oneself according to what others might think about self. I do not accept or allow myself to continue being dependent on others for me to be able to enjoy and express myself but instead I commit myself to find out who I am when I stop trying to get others to like me and thus free myself to start to live for me.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into thinking and believing that if others do not appreciate/like me because of me not being effective in my “social interaction” then that would change my life to the worse in where people won’t like to be around me. Within this I see, realize and understand that this is just manipulation that is based on fear of change, fear of what might happen if and when I free myself from being dependent on others liking me and adjusting and molding my expression according to how I think others want me to be – and in that limiting myself as who I actually am. I see, realize and understand that real enjoyment does only exist when and as it is not dependent or adjusted by fear of loss/fear of change and I realize that self-expression can only be attained when I stop limiting myself according to my perception of who others would like me to be/express.