Day 62. How My Past Destroyed My Life

• I forgive myself that I had as a child accepted and allowed myself to go into fear and shame when an event happened while eating with a group of people around the kitchen table in where one person went into an extensive reaction and within this linking and connecting eating around the kitchen table to the expression of anger in the persons face and voice. Within this I now see, realize and understand that I accumulated that experience over the years in where I unconsciously connected eating around the kitchen table to the expression of anger from the person and within that going into fear and shame because of a belief/idea/perception of the anger being towards me and thus my “fault” – as if I was responsible for the persons reaction/expression of anger. I now see, realize and understand that I have throughout the years allowed myself to connect the eating-part to my own reaction of shame and fear because of how that one person was expressing anger when all the while the anger had nothing to do with neither me nor the eating-part. Thus within this I commit myself to take responsibility for how I, myself, reacted within the moment of how the person was expressing anger and thus not allow myself to continue taking it personally if and when someone else is expressing an energetic experience.

• I forgive myself that I had as a child accepted and allowed myself to fear eating around the kitchen table because of fear of facing that conflict that arouse when a person went into an extensive reaction of anger and within this connected and linked eating around the kitchen table to an energetic experience/reaction within myself because of another person’s reaction/expression of anger. I now see, realize and understand that I have to bring the point back to self in where I realize that it is my reaction towards another’s reaction that I have to sort out so that I in the continuation do not allow myself to get influenced/directed by another’s reactions/expressions but can instead stand stable, here, breathing no matter how my surrounding/environment stands.

• I forgive myself that I have, since I was a child and up until now, accepted and allowed myself to connect and link eating to shame and fear and thus would automatically see eating as something negative/shameful/scary because of what I experienced as a child in where I took it personally when the person was reacting in anger when we were eating around the kitchen table and thus would throughout my life-time allow myself to accumulate that experience that I had as a child to constantly thus see eating as something scary/frightening/negative/shameful since I unconsciously connected eating to my inner energetic reactions and thus never before realized that it was always, all this time, my reactions that I connected to eating around the kitchen table because I, as a child, allowed myself to react to how the person was expressing extensive anger through screaming/shouting/blaming/using certain words and using the body-language/facial-expressions in such a way that I would interpret it as if I was being attacked/as if I was targeted and thus within that thinking and believing that I was the one to blame for how that person reacted/expressed and within that thinking and believing that I should me shameful and blame myself. I do not accept or allow myself to continue connecting and linking eating to how I reacted as a child towards another person’s expression/reaction of anger but instead I commit myself to just let go of that memory and instead take responsibility for how I experienced myself in relation to that event and thus within that changing my future so that I do not have to perpetuate my enslavement to constantly seeing eating as something shameful/fearful/scary/frightening.

• I forgive myself that I had as a child accepted and allowed myself to react to another person’s reaction in where I would immediately go into an experience of the reaction being towards me/that I was the target/cause/origin of how the person reacted and within that allowed myself to take the person’s reaction personally in where I would think and believe that I was the cause/origin of that reaction/expression of anger and thus would go into shame and fear as if I had done something wrong/bad/shameful. I now see, realize and understand that the reaction/expression of anger had nothing to do with me specifically doing something wrong/bad/shameful but that I throughout the years would interpret it as if the reaction/expression of anger from that person was towards me sitting and eating around the kitchen table and thus would unconsciously connect eating to shame and fear and thus would eventually manifest an energetic experience towards sitting down around the kitchen table and eating and within that would create a belief/idea/perception that eating means fear and shame – not even questioning where that fear/shame came from but would instead think and believe that it was the food that was the problem/cause/origin and thus would fear the food and see eating as shameful – when all the while it was unconscious accumulated points that I manifested as a child and that would eventually come up as conscious thoughts/beliefs/ideas/perceptions of eating/food being wrong/bad/shameful/scary.

• I forgive myself that I had as a child accepted and allowed myself to turn another person’s reaction/expression of anger into an internal energetic experience of fear and shame in where I immediately took it personally and thought that the anger was because of me as the origin/cause and thus towards me – and within this would allow myself to create and manifest an unconscious point of always thinking and believing that when other’s express anger or an energetic reaction then it is my fault and I should suffer through going into fear and shame and thus within this I see and realize that I have perpetuated that experience through never stop and take responsibility for my own reaction but would instead keep on feeding the belief that when someone around me is angry then I should take responsibility for it through going into fear and shame – and thus blaming “them”/that person for how I, MYSELF, was actually the creator of my own experience. I now see, realize and understand that when and as I allow myself to react to my interpretation of another’s reaction then I am not in fact taking responsibility but merely making myself inferior and giving my power away to my mind so thus in the continuation when and as I see that someone else is reacting in any kind of way I will not accept or allow myself to go into an energetic experience/reaction myself through taking it personally or blaming that person for how I experience myself, as if it is okay for me to react just because they/that person is reacting, and thus going into fear/shame/guilt but instead I stand up in such moments through breathing and bringing myself back to the physical in where I see and realize that other’s reactions/experiences is always their own responsibility and thus my reactions/experiences is MY responsibility and thus within this I do not accept or allow myself to continue the cycle of abdicating my self-responsibility through feeding that chain of reactions but instead I stop and I breathe.