Fear of Loss. (Continuation to Day 64. Oh, I am Sooooo Embarrassed)
So I have walked through the fear of
embarrassment and realized within that that the underlying problem is fear of change - the fear that my world/reality will change if/when people do not
appreciate/like me/being around me – thus, fear of change. But within this fear
of embarrassment is also fear of loss, because if I do/say something
embarrassing then people might not want to be around me anymore – thus fear of
loss – since I would “lose” my definition as a pretty nice being and thus would
have to re-define myself according to “not having friends” – or whatever might
be the outcome.
Why would I fear that I would lose my idea about me being a pretty nice
being and thus “lose” friends? Because I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according
to my external reality in where I think and believe that whether or not people
likes me defines who I am – and thus that I would experience myself differently
if and when I can’t define myself according to people liking me.
I never had any problem in finding
friends when I was really young/a child; I was never the outsider but rather
the person that people wanted to be around and competed about being “best
friend” with. I early on learned that if others appreciate me, then I am okay/a
good person. I adjusted myself to always be likeable, and then everything
changed.
When I became sick in anorexia I
lost almost all my friends, slowly but surely they started to disappear –
because I disappeared – and I wasn’t that fun to hang around anymore. I changed
completely as a person in where I went from being a very social individual to
starting to live according to my self-hate and self-judgments instead. I was
constantly tired, scared, couldn’t move/do normal things, wouldn’t “meet up for
lunch” anymore – since that would include food, people staring, pointing,
whispering. I isolated myself completely and I wouldn’t know how to do normal
things anymore because I was so obsessed and possessed by my anorexia. I was
simply super-boring because I weren’t able to do anything anymore, and I
weren’t interested in doing anything anymore, everything took so much effort,
even smiling made me exhausted. “Go see a
movie?” - No, it usually includes food/snacks/having to be social/fun to be
around – and I simply knew that I was awfully boring/emotional/depressing and a
pain in the ass.
So I went from being a person who
had many, many friends and a very social life – to becoming completely
isolated, barely meeting anybody, experiencing it as if no one wanted to be
around me anymore – and thus I saw that the reason why my friends stopped
calling was because of who I had become – I was a boring, easily-irritated,
scared, fragile demon near death. I definitely understand why people didn’t
want to hang around anymore.
Now I am back, I have started to
live again; I have friends and people around me. But since I haven’t had
friends/been socializing for years upon years, I am still in fear of
saying/doing something embarrassing and thus fear that my life/reality will
change once again in where people will stop seeing me as likeable and thus I
will once again be alone, without friends – since I lost them because of who I
am/how I act/what I say. So within this I can see with clarity that I do not
allow myself to just be me, relaxed as myself and just express – because I
allow the fear of loss to dictate and direct me instead.
Who am I if I cannot keep defining myself as likeable, as a person who
has friends - but would instead perceive it as if others think that I am
boring? Well, then
my world/reality would change because I have accepted and allowed myself to
always see it as if people usually like me, like being around me, appreciate
me, thinks that I am funny. And I know that that can change – since I went
through it once. And that time I did see myself as not good
enough/boring/embarrassing and thus defined myself according to what I
perceived others to think about me. And within this I still fear that my world/reality
will change if I fuck up through saying/doing something that others will
perceive as weird/strange/boring/embarrassing and then once again becoming that
lonely demon that has lost all of her friends. Lol, as if you can “own” another person/other people.
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- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my self-definition as a pretty nice being who other people like because of a belief/idea/perception that if I wouldn’t be able to define myself as a “a being who others like” then I would lose a part of myself as who I perceive myself to be – not seeing, realizing and understanding that the only thing that changes is how I perceive myself within my mind – that in this physical reality I am not actually defined according to whether or not I perceive it as if others like me or not. But within this I have thus allowed myself to place my self-value into my perception of what others thinks of me and thus I would always remain in this fear of loss since I would define it as if I would lose my self-value if others do not like me. -When and as I see that I am going into fear of losing my self-definition as a pretty nice being who others like because of a belief/idea/perception that that would mean that I lose my self-value – I stop and I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to continue thinking and believing that I, as who I am, is defined by whether or not people like me – but instead I see, realize and understand that this is just an experience within and of my mind in where I have allowed myself to place my self-value into how I perceive others to see me. Thus within this I commit myself to stop thinking and believing that my self-value is dependent on how others see me/whether or not they like me – and furthermore I commit myself to establish my self-value so that it is not dependent on an external, separate manifestation.
- I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that defining myself according to whether or not people like me is actually a limitation/diminishment of myself since that would imply that I am reliant on others for me to accept myself and would thus always have to exist within constant fear of loss since I have defined myself according to something separate from me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to whether or not people like me and within this would thus exist within a constant fear of losing my definition as “a person who people like” – and thus would fear saying/doing something wrong/bad/embarrassing because of a belief and idea that that would lead to me, losing “friends” or peoples view on me as a “pretty nice being”. -When and as I see that I am going into fear of saying/doing something wrong/bad/embarrassing because of a belief/idea that that would lead people to not like me and thus I would lose my definition of “a person who people like” – I stop and I breathe – I see, realize and understand that I cannot control other people or my external world as to how they will think of me so thus I do not accept or allow myself to continue defining myself according to how I perceive others to think of me. Within this I thus commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I see that I am going into fear of expressing me through speaking/doing and instead I realize that I cannot control what others thinks of me – only how I allow myself to experience myself. Thus I stop allowing myself to go into self-blame if/when I perceive it as if I have done/said something stupid/wrong/embarrassing and instead I breathe through, and stand up within that experience, and I do not allow myself to continue believing that an experience within and of my mind is “real” as “who I apparently am”.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an energetic experience of “being liked” to define who I am and thus would exist within constant fear of losing that experience since I have defined “being liked” as something important and positive. Within this I thus see, realize and understand that as long as I allow myself to define myself according to something separate from me, as other peoples opinion/my perception of what others think of me – I will in fact constantly exist within fear of loss. -When and as I see that I am going into an positive/negative experience dependent on whether or not I perceive it as if others appreciate/like me – I stop and I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to continue fuel and empower that experience through defining myself according to it but instead I see, realize and understand that the experience does only exist as an energy within my mind and is thus not real nor does it define who I am as life. Within this I commit myself to not let an energetic experience within my mind control/direct me but instead I breathe through that and realize that in this physical reality others/my “opinions” doesn’t matter.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the change that would come within my physical reality if/when I would “lose” friends/people around me wouldn’t appreciate/like me and within this would thus allow myself to change and mold myself just so that I can ensure that people will not start to dislike me – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I cannot control my external world/reality as to what people think of me and that as long as I allow myself to change/mold myself according to what I think others want from me I am in fact not living as me, for me – but instead allow an energetic experience within and of my mind to direct and move me. -When and as I see that I am changing/molding myself and my expression because of fear of losing others appreciation – I stop and I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to continue the dishonest game of “getting people to like me” – but instead I see, realize and understand that I am limiting and diminishing myself to only live for that energetic experience that I get/receive when/as I perceive it as if others “like” me. Within this I commit myself to explore who I actually am without these limitations and thus expand my reality to not be reliant on what I perceive others to think of me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that who I am is dependent on what I perceive others to think of me and would thus within this think and believe that I would lose a part of myself if I wouldn’t be able to define myself as the person I have always thought myself to be as this “nice person who people likes” – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this was actually never real or me as who I am, but mere an illusionary idea that I have created within my mind and thus defined myself according to. -When and as I see that I am going into fear of losing a part of myself if/when I perceive it as if others do not like/appreciate me – I stop and I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to continue defining and limiting myself as who I am to how I perceive others to see me – but instead I see, realize and understand that all of this is just illusions within my mind that I have allowed myself to define myself according to. Thus I commit myself to stop defining myself according to energetic experiences within and of my mind and instead explore who I really am as life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I would have to re-define who I am if/when my external environment changes such as if I would lose a friend/others appreciation and within this not seeing, realizing and understanding that I do not have to re-define me, I have to delete and erase my self-definitions in where I have allowed me, as who I am, being dependent on how I perceive my external environment, as separate manifestations, to see me. I now see, realize and understand that this is all my experience, and thus I allow myself to define me according to MY experience of how others see me and thus it is not even reliable or trustworthy since I, within my mind, can never see the truth or the reality because I allow energy to direct me. -When and as I see that I am going into fear of “who I would be without friends/others appreciations” – I stop and I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to continue defining myself according to my experience of how others, separate from me, see me – but instead I see, realize and understand that I am only defining myself according to an energetic experience within my mind – so thus it is not real. Within this I commit myself to stop defining myself according to my energetic experiences within my mind and instead walk myself here in the physical, breath by breath – in where I bring all my pieces back to self and realize that I do not need anything separate from me to define myself according to.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I would experience myself if I wouldn’t have friends/peoples appreciations – and within this not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am the one who determines and are responsible for how I experience myself in every single moment – and thus within this I now see and realize that this is mere a manipulation-tactic from and of my mind, to keep me enslaved to the idea/belief that I need something separate from me to remain stable and here. -When and as I see that I am going into fear of how I would experience myself if I wouldn’t have friends/peoples appreciations – I stop and I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to continue manipulating myself into thinking and believing that I am reliant on my external environment for me to remain stable, here – but instead I see, realize and understand that I am responsible and can decide what I will allow myself to experience and not so thus it is not just an experience that will “happen” to me – I will create it if I allow it. Thus I commit myself to stop diminishing/making myself inferior to experience and instead I see and realize that no matter how my environment looks/no matter if people like/dislike me – it does not change who I am, because I have the power to decide what I am going to allow and not within me – thus I do not accept or allow myself to think and believe that I am less than an experience because I see and realize that whatever comes up in my external reality will not change the fact that I can stop the experience and walk myself into the physical – in where nothing outside of me defines who I am as life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my past in where I lost pretty much all my friends and within that would experience myself as “not good enough” – and thus within this would create a fear of having to go through that again so thus I created a fear of loss, in where I fear losing other people as friends – all because of how I once experienced myself in relation to being “left alone”. I now see, realize and understand that the experience of not being good enough was only an energetic experience within my mind that I allowed to influence and control me – and that I now have the actual tools and understanding to not allow such experience to change me. -When and as I see that I am going into fear of having to experience what I experienced before, in the past, of “losing” all my friends because of how I “became” – I stop and I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to continue defining myself according to an experience I had in the past but instead I see and realize that I now have the tools and the understanding of how to stand stable, here, no matter what happens in my external environment. Within this I commit myself to not let the fear of what happened in the past to control or direct me here now, because of fear of the future – but instead I take all the parts back to here and I stand here, walking here, breath by breath, in where I realize that I am not the same as in the past in where I did not have the tools nor the understanding of how to face an energetic experience – thus I within this commit myself to realize that I am the directive principle of me and so I am responsible for whatever I allow myself to experience.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a personality as the “nice and likeable person that others like” and within this would define, change, mold and force myself to live up to that personality because of a belief and idea that if I do not then I lose a part of me, since I have allowed myself to define myself according to that made-up-personality. I now see, realize and understand that what I in fact fear losing is a made-up-belief of who I believe and perceive I am within my mind – not seeing and realizing that it was all just a lie since it was based on fear – fear of losing friends. -When and as I see that I am taking on the personality as “the nice and likeable person that others like” – I stop and I breathe – I reassess my starting-point and I do not accept or allow myself to continue following and existing within that made-up-personality because of fear of “losing friends” – but instead I see, realize and understand that I can stand here, assess how I would like to be treated and thus treat others the same and within this not allow a personality to decide how I should act/not act – but instead live and commit myself to do what is best for all, in each and every breath.
- I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I can still be a nice person without being it with the starting-point of fear of loss – but to instead move myself to do what is best for all – not because I desire to be liked, but because of common sense in where I put myself in the shoes of others and walk the commitment of treating others as I would like to be treated.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the desire to be liked and not lose friends is more important than living me, as who I am, as the expression of me – and within this would thus diminish, limit, adjust and mold my life to be and become a person that I think others would like me to be – all because of fear of loss. -When and as I see that I am changing and molding myself as the expression of me because of the desire to be liked – I stop and I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to continue changing and molding myself just because of an energetic experience of desire and fear of loss – but instead I see, realize and understand that this is not me, this is not life and not who I am – but mere a limitation and restriction of me. Within this I thus commit myself to express myself as life and not allow the desire to be liked and the fear of loss to direct and control me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing “my social life” because of an accepted and allowed self-definition in where I think and believe that my social life defines who I am – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my fear of loss and my desire to have friends is actually limiting and preventing me from actually getting to know people and to communicate with beings as who I am. I now see, realize and understand that as long as I allow fear to direct me I am in fact not sharing me, openly, honestly as the expression of me but instead I get so tangled up in the fear that I am not actually getting to know other beings. -When and as I see that I am going into fear of “losing my social life” – I stop and I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to continue allowing my fear of loss to direct and control me – but instead I see, realize and understand that as long as I allow fear to exist within me when I am interacting with other beings – I am in fact not here, sharing every moment with someone else, but have allowed myself to become so tangled up in fear that I forget about what it is to actually enjoy and express in each and every moment with someone else. I hereby commit myself to not allow fear to direct or influence me when and as I am socializing with other beings but instead I breathe through that experience and commit myself to express myself as who I am.
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-Inevitable physical movement in where this world/reality is in constant movement/change/transformation.
-Something that becomes different in its expression.
-This worlds and reality’s natural path forward in where nothing is ever constant but will continuously change/transform.
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