Day 77. The Inner Me is The Enemy

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the inner me is not trustworthy, reliable or even me, as who I actually am – but that I have, throughout my entire life, lived as if the inner me is my god and the physical is my enemy - in where I have constantly lived according to my inner me, as thoughts, back-chats, emotions, feelings, judgments, definitions – never stopped and asked myself if this “inner me” is really who I am, what I want to live according to or if I can stop it. I now see, realize and understand that the inner me was always an illusion, and every thought, emotion, feeling, judgment, definition has always only one purpose – for me to generate energy for the mind to continue having the power over me, instead of me standing up, realizing that I can stop the energy, earth it back and take my power back to me in where I direct myself in every moment of breath and in where I can differentiate between illusion and reality – to support the physical and live in the physical in absolute self-expression in every moment of breath. I see and realize that what is real is that which is here, tangible – the people who are starving to death, the extensive abuse and famine – that is what is real. And that that which I cannot touch, that which is going on within my mind as thoughts, energetic experiences, judgments, beliefs – was never real, it was just a manipulation-tactic from and of my mind to keep me blinded from seeing the real reality as that which is going on in this physical world as a whole. I commit myself to, through self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-corrective applications – walk myself out of the illusion as the mind and instead bring myself back to here, to this physical reality – so that I can do what is best for all and not being controlled/directed by the inner me in believing that the inner me is “who I am”.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, throughout my life, lived according to the belief/idea/perception that my inner me is the god, what matters, me, and that my physical is my enemy, what is always “wrong”, “bad”, “not good enough”, “imperfect” – not ever stopped and asked myself the question “is this really who I am?”, “is it really the physical that is wrong or is it my thoughts/experiences that’s not real?” – but would instead constantly and continuously punish my body for how I experiences my inner me – in where I blamed, abused and “controlled” my body because of an inner illusion that I have created into reality through never stopping it or questioning it.  I now see, realize and understand with clarity that it was never anything wrong with my physical, because my physical body functioned properly, it supported me completely, unconditionally and gave me life – where I fucked up was within my mind in where I created definitions and judgments about my physical in where I saw my physical as merely an appearance, a picture, a surface – not taking into consideration the actual physical but would instead try and change/mold my physical surface to live up to the illusions I had created within my mind of “perfection”. I now see, realize and understand that perfection is unreachable when it is a created belief within my mind – perfection is where I support my body and this physical existence unconditionally, in where I am standing clear from thoughts, judgments and definitions and instead living/doing what is best for all – simply moving myself to do what is best for all, not letting any experience move me but instead living with the simple choice that I make in my day-to-day living – just as when I wipe my ass – it is just something I do. I commit myself to stop trying to reach “perfection” as my mind’s definition of “perfection” – because I see and realize that this is just an illusionary idea that I have deliberately created as unreachable – for me to perpetuate my enslavement to my mind in where I am giving my power away every time I decide to let my inner me direct me in where I am taking decisions that I “think” will lead me closer to “external perfection”. Furthermore I commit myself to instead LIVE perfection – through bringing myself back to the physical and support myself towards doing what is best for all, including me and my physical – live the decision of doing what is best for all, including me in every moment of breath – and within this realize that it is a simple decision in where I stand up with that decision and walk my practical living in where I support the physical reality and stop participating/fueling the “inner me”.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, throughout my life, think and believe that when/as I act according to the inner me as the voices in my head saying “don’t eat – you will reach perfection” – I am in control – when all the while it was in reverse because when I acted according to my “inner me” as the thoughts, judgments, feelings, emotions, definitions I would be completely controlled and directed by energy as the mind and I diminished/neglected myself, as the real me, and my self-direction through giving my power away to energy of the mind. Within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I never took into consideration what this apparent “control” lead to as the consequences and that the control was merely an illusionary possession in where I thought that I could live up to my inner definition of perfection through holding on to the possession as my mind, and within this I would thus fear giving up my possession as my mind because of a belief/idea/perception that if I give up my mind, I will lose my opportunity to reach perfection. – and within this I never took into consideration the consequences of “control” – as the absolute physical abuse I put my body through – but would instead rather follow the idea I had. I now see, realize and understand that my inner definition of perfection is unreachable – because it always changes so that I will continuously feed my mind with energy and put my body through absolute abuse. I commit myself to stop acting according to my inner voices and instead take a stance to stop and breathe, write self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and walk my self-commitments in every moment of breath – and within this cross-reference my actions to make sure that I do not act according to my inner voices but instead act according to what is best for this physical reality, including my physical as me.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, throughout my life, think and believe that I can trust the inner me as the emotions, feelings, judgments, definitions, anxieties and that that is only what I can trust – and within that would shut my body and other people out and saw the people/my environment/my body as my enemies that were challenging my “control” that I experienced when I would act according to my inner self and then hide what I experienced within and instead constantly put on a smile – when all the while it was a big lie because within I hid my secret abuse and misery that I actually experienced – but would fear giving my inner self up through being honest to myself and others because of a belief and idea that if I am being honest I will lose my “control”. I commit myself to, when and as I see that emotions, feelings, judgments, definitions, anxieties comes up, to stop and breathe – not allow myself to act according to my inner self but to instead walk my commitment to support life. Furthermore I commit myself to live self-honesty in every moment of breath – in where I support myself to stop my thought-patterns, beliefs, ideas, perceptions, judgments, definitions and anxieties through writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and corrective applications.