Day 90. Desiring Perfection
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to incorporate and create a relationship to/towards memories in where I overheard how others in my world/reality spoke about people with “fast” metabolism - how they could eat anything and still remain thin as a stick - and within this would hear/interpret what I heard as a form of excitement/envy within their voices and I would interpret it as if the people who spoke about those other beings with “fast metabolisms” was perceiving that to be something desirable/good because they gave it attention and within this I would thus incorporate others relationships towards the people who apparently had this “amazing” metabolism in where I would envy and become jealousy towards those beings since I automatically just accepted the fact that that is something that one should envy – within this forming/creating the jealousy-character in relation to being jealous of people who can eat whatever they want and still remain thin – because within this I saw and realized that I am not one of those beings – I wasn’t able to eat whatever and still remain thin so thus I separated myself from the beings I perceived as being people who could eat whatever and remain thin and separated myself from my body through thinking and believing that my body would be better if it had a “fast metabolism” as those beings that I envied, that my body is apparently not good enough. I now see, realize and understand that there was never anything wrong with my body as how it functions, that my body was always here as unconditional support, as life – but that I allowed myself to neglect and disregard life through judging it through and within my mind as if there was some bodies that were better and some bodies that were less/not good enough. Within this I commit myself to delete the memories in where I overheard how others spoke about beings with fast metabolism and instead see and realize that I am here as my body, I will always be here with my body – that separating myself from my body through judgment and jealousy will not lead anywhere except further away from standing equal to and one with my body in unconditional self-acceptance. Within this I furthermore commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-corrective application, walk myself out of this jealousy-character and thus bring myself back to life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that having a “fast” metabolism would be the solution to my anxiety towards eating specific things and the solution to my fear of gaining weight – and then when I saw that I did not have this “amazing” ability/function but would instead easily gain weight in a rapid pace I would thus be/become jealous towards/of the people who apparently sat on this amazing ability as the fast metabolism, because I had defined that as something desirable, to be able to eat practically anything and still remain lean/thin/skinny – within this I now see, realize and understand that I am the one creating the anxiety and fear in relation/regards to eating specific things, that I am the one who created the desires in relation to being skinny/lean/thin – that the only solution to that is me standing up, not accepting or allowing the anxiety and fear to exist within me, because I am the source/cause/origin of my internal experiences – I create the anxiety and fear and thus I am the solution. Within this I also see, realize and understand that in wishing and desiring for something external to solve my internal experiences I am projecting my self-responsibility so thus within this I do not accept or allow myself to continue thinking and believing that external points can solve my internal experiences but instead I commit myself to within this point take self-responsibility for how I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in relation to me not having the ability to eat specific things without gaining weight. I commit myself to stand with my body and thus listen to its signals in relation to what it requires and adjust my daily living accordingly – no more accepting or allowing myself to compromise my body because of internal experiences of anxiety and fear. I within this furthermore commit myself to stop the fear and anxiety through writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-corrective application – to within this walk myself out of self-abuse and in that standing one and equal to my physical as my body, in realizing that I am my physical.
- I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take into consideration the separation that I am manifesting when and as I take on the jealousy-character in relation to being jealous of others because of how their bodies and its metabolism is functioning and within this not taking into consideration the fact that I am dishonoring my own body when I allow a desire to exist within me in where I am literally saying that my body and it’s functions is not “good enough” in terms of how I have perceived what “good enough” means and defined within my mind – within this thinking and believing that my desire in my mind is more important than my actual real physical body. I now see, realize and understand that there is nothing “wrong” with my human physical body – that not all bodies works the same way, some people have “faster” metabolism than others and that’s just how it is, that me being jealous of that will not change how my metabolism works – lol. So therefor I see and realize that I have to change my relationship in my mind to my physical, that it is nothing wrong with my physical but that I have not yet formed an effective relationship with/towards my physical and that that is what I need to change, so that I can accept my physical body unconditionally as it exists right now, no matter how it is shaped/formed - and within this I do not accept or allow myself to continue thinking and believing that it would be better if I had someone else’s body – or a body that had other functions/”faster” metabolism – but instead I commit myself to slow myself as the mind down, take a deep breath and realize that this is my physical body – this is who I am as life and I will no longer accept or allow myself to dishonor life through separating myself from my physical body in projecting judgments onto my physical. I will always exist as my physical body and I realize that forming an effective relationship to/with my physical body, no matter how I interpret the shape/form, is vital – because without my physical – if my physical would just give up and say fuck you, as I have through my mind said fuck you over and over again towards my physical – I WILL DIE.
- I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when I do not give my body what it requires in terms of the amount of food that it needs – it will not function properly, I will fuck up my metabolism and my bodies functions and eventually my body will shut down – and the same with when I allow myself to exist within energetic experiences such as when I allow myself to fear that my bodies functions will not work properly, that my metabolism will not function as it should – I will accordingly manifest my fear – because I participate within it, so thus I create it, and either I stop the fear or I face the consequences. Within this I see and realize that I have two options – either I stop the fear through consistent application or I face the fear through physical consequence. I do not accept or allow myself to continue compromising my body through existing within fear and I do not accept or allow myself to continue compromising my body through not giving it what it requires for all its functions to work properly – within this I commit myself to take self-responsibility through listening to my bodies signals and live accordingly in where I assist and support my body unconditionally – no longer accepting or allowing internal experiences to influence/control me but within this stop my internal participation and instead focus on my physical as what needs to be done.
Continuation; Day 92. Physical Perfection - Part 2