Day 111. Don't You Dare Make Me Like You!

This is a continuation to my previous post;

Day 110. You have NO idea who I actually am

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the consequences that manifest when and as I allow myself to exist as/within the “I do not give a fuck-character” in where I will be unable to create an effective relationship with myself and others – because when and as I take on/exist as the “I do not give a fuck-character” I am not living self-intimacy, self-honesty and self-care but am merely closing myself off from myself and from others through hiding my initial experiences from both myself and others and within not admitting what I experience to myself and communicate what I experience to others I create secrets in my secret mind – and since it becomes secrets it will have power over me – within that I am not existing and participating within this physical reality with myself but am merely locking myself into a secret chamber in my mind.

• Within this I now see, realize and understand that every time I accept and allow myself to keep my internal experiences a secret I state that the experiences is more than me and must thus be kept a secret – not seeing or realizing that it is completely useless to try and suppress/hide my reactions/experiences through going into/taking on the “I do not give a fuck-character” – because no matter how hard I try to suppress/hide the reactions they will still exist within me and I give them power over me through not communicating/admitting/revealing the initial reactions, because within this I make the reactions more than me, through judging the experiences/reactions I have as “wrong”/”bad” – instead of simply confessing/admitting the reactions to myself and communicate/share the reactions/experiences that aroused from a specific external event/situations with all the parts/beings that were involved and within that sorting it out with self-honesty.

• I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I am self-sabotaging when I am suppressing/hiding internal experiences/reactions through and with the use of the “I do not give a fuck-character” – because within this the experiences/reactions does not go away and I do not deal with them, thus I am unable to create/develop an effective relationship with myself and others. Furthermore I commit myself to live self-care, self-intimacy and self-honesty, within this always looking at the reactions when they come up instead of trying to suppress/hide them – to within this actually work through the reactions/experiences instead of denying/ignoring them and through that developing an effective relationship with myself in where I see, realize and understand that I do not have to suppress/hide the reactions/experiences because I have the tools and the capacity to work/walk through it.

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the consequence of me taking on/existing as the “I do not give a fuck-character” is self-abuse because within this I will canalize my suppressed/hidden experiences and deal with them through physical self-abuse in where I will compromise my physical support because of an initial belief/idea that reactions/experiences is bad and I should thus punish myself – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am merely feeding the experiences/reactions when and as I allow myself to take them personally and go into self-abuse because of it.

• When and as I see that reactions/experiences comes up and am immediately trying to suppress it through going into the “I do not give a fuck-character” – I stop and I breathe –  I do not accept or allow myself to continue taking the experiences/reactions personally in where I think and believe that I am bad/weak because I allowed myself to react, within this trying to suppress/hide the reactions through going into a character – but instead I see, realize and understand that the reactions/experiences is not me, I am not “weak” because I allowed myself to react – but that I am compromising/neglecting myself when and as I allow myself to take it personally and punishing myself for it.

• Furthermore I do not accept or allow myself to continue compromising my physical support through self-punishment in where I desire to abuse myself for what I have accepted and allowed myself to experience within the mind but instead I commit myself to flag-point situations in where I see that I have allowed myself to go into the “I do not give a fuck-character” and within this not accept or allow myself to take it further in where I neglect/disregard my physical as a punishment. I commit myself to not let internal reactions/experiences/suppressions prevent me from supporting my physical unconditionally – I commit myself to always follow my physical routines that I have seen supports my physical and within this never give my mind a “weak-point” in where it can manipulate – but instead remain steadfast in my practical application in relation to following what I see supports me in the physical, listening to the physical and ignoring the mind in where I see that the desire for punishment arises – breathe through that desire and instead walk with what is here, so that I no more compromise the physical for the mind.

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the “I do not give a fuck-character” is prominently based on the belief/idea that if/when I think/believe that I do not give a fuck then I am in control because nothing can affect me – not seeing, realizing and understanding that yes, something does affect me, the mind – because within this I am actually just turning the “I do not give a fuck-character” inwardly in where I do care deep inside but am merely masking it with a false belief of me being in control.

• When and as I see that I go into fear of not being in control if/when I react and within this thinking and believing that I need to go into/take on the “I do not give a fuck-character” to remain strong/stable – I stop and I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to think and believe that I am not in control if/when I react to my external or internal reality/world and because of that am trying to suppress/hide everything that arises within me – but instead I see, realize and understand that taking on a character means that I am actually not in control, that I am not in self-direction – because within this I am allowing suppression, abuse and secrets – thus I am not directing myself.

• Thus I commit myself to stop the fear of not being in control, realize that being in control is not equivalent to not admitting/revealing internal reactions/experiences – that being in control is when I allow myself to stand within and as self-honesty in where I face whatever arises within me, dealing with it through self-responsibility in where I stop lying, stop playing an act, stop thinking that I am “weak” if I show/admit my internal experiences to myself/others and within this – I commit myself to face all reactions that comes up immediately through slowing myself down with breath, walking myself here in where I check what arises within me when/as I interact within this world/reality and from there face whatever reaction that comes up through standing here , with and as me, walking myself in self-direction and self-dedication until it is done. Within this no longer accept or allow myself to continue living a lie but instead take on anything and everything that I experience within in where I see that I have the capacity – that all it takes is one decision and then I walk the decision until it is done.