Day 128. How I Realized That My Life is a Lie

Right and wrong, good and bad, moralities, ethics, principles, values, beliefs, ideals – that is what I have lived according to for as long as I can remember – because if I live according to what is good and bad then I am apparently being an honest being – a good being, a being that is cherished by society – and that is more important than anything..?!

Then, all of a sudden - boooom, baaaam, crash – fuck, everything I believed in was a lie. All of a sudden I realized that my life was a big fat lie – a fucking illusion, a joke – I projected a false image of myself as an honest being that spoke what I experienced within (when it suited me) but was I honest to myself? Oh, no – morality is more important than being self-honest – I mean, you don’t want to be seen as an outcast, a weirdo – right? It’s more important to be accepted by others than being truthful to yourself, than accepting and trusting yourself – right? Pleasing others is more important than caring for yourself. Listening to your own physical body and what it requires is equivalent to being weak, egoistic and selfish. Oh man, my beliefs were all torn apart when I found the desteni-group. I had, for all my life, believed that being accepted, appreciated and validated by others, separate from me, was so much more important than me, being honest with myself.  

I believed that good was equivalent to punishing myself for what I experienced within through starving myself, eat around people so that they thought that I didn’t have a problem and then secretively throw up when no one saw. Bad was equivalent to telling anybody about it, bad was equivalent to listening to my own human physical body, bad was equivalent to asking others for help/assistance/support and admit to myself that I was unable to stop this on my own.

Society’s moralities is right - you are supposed to respect the elders (even if they abuse you physically and mentally and even if they rape you – they are older than you, so you better respect them) your parents know what is best for you, because they are older – so you go and listen to your parents and accept that everything that they say is true – act accordingly. Please others through never saying no, please others through getting the highest grades in school, please others through sucking their dicks. Forget about living for you, forget about living self-respect and integrity – what’s important is that you fit into society, that you are like everybody else, that you are being seen as normal.

You are supposed to follow your feelings – follow your gut feeling, even if you know that it will lead to something that is fucked up “I had to choose between dedicating my life to either art or starving myself – my gut feeling told me to starve myself, so I did”- Oh my, what a great gut feeling.. I sure know how to have fun. “You have to do what you think is right. You have to go with your gut.” – But what if what you think is right is based on what your parents taught you and they didn’t know anything except how to act according to their own self-interest? You are supposed to go to school, work hard – earn money, get a husband, a Volvo, a house and a kid. The whole nine yards. Then you are supposed to teach the kid to do the exact same thing as you did – get good grades, get a husband, get a car, get a kid, die. And that is apparently the right thing to do – that’s what life is about.  

“What if people see me as lazy, not good enough and undedicated?”, “What if others believe that I am not devoted, that I am not doing the best that I can in my process of supporting myself and others?” – This is still a huge fear for me, fearing that people will think and believe that I am not trying my best, that I am not self-disciplined and dedicated. If I look and investigate this point with self-honesty I can clearly see that I am doing my best, that within this point I am acting according to my capacity – the question is if that is good enough? Since I have this belief and idea about myself in relation to not being good enough I will constantly worry about what other’s think of me - that others will see me as not disciplined enough – instead of, with self-honesty, look at what is best for me. I still believe that what is important is that other’s get an idea of me as being a good person, a dedicated and devoted person, an example for others, a person that others see as good enough – instead of me, taking self-responsibility in seeing myself as devoted, as good enough and instead of me actually living for me – realizing that I am doing my best, that I am standing up. But instead of accepting myself I go and search for acceptance/validation “out there” – which is very self-dishonest, because that means that I am not willing to give this to myself but instead I want confirmation from others that I am okay, that I am good enough – which proves that I am not beings self-honest.   

What I’ve realized is that society’s moralities, rules and laws - what is apparently good/bad, is not always equivalent to what is best for all, what is best for me. But I have, for so long, adjusted myself according to what I have defined as moralities that I have kind of lost myself. I don’t really know how to live because I have valued ‘being seen as a good being’ and being truthful to the system more than doing what is best for all. I have imprisoned and limited myself and my self-expression through rather act according to moralities, good/bad, right/wrong, ethics, laws, rules etc. than act according to what I see is best for all parts involved. This belief of what is good and bad is so integrated within me that I fear actually finding out what is best for all, including me – because what is best for all does not always fit into the frame of beliefs that we are presented with within this world/reality. I see that I have not allowed myself to live in self-honesty and explore myself because when consider doing something that I see is what is best for all parts involved but is seen as “wrong”/”unethical” according to the system I experience guilt – which is an indication of my pre-programming in relation to following the rules and laws of the society that I live in. Self-honesty has nothing to do with guilt and since I allow myself to be manipulated by guilt I am not living self-honesty for me.

I fear giving up my life – meaning, I fear giving up my values, my beliefs, my ideas and ideals in relation to what is right/wrong, good/bad – because who am I without this? – What am I supposed to strive for then, what’s going to motivate me? This applies specifically to my belief and idea in relation to how I should act, be, behave, look and what I see as right to do in relation to the decisions that I make. I make decisions that I see is based on honesty from the perspective of what is good/bad, right/wrong according to what I have been taught from society/the system/my environment and the people within it - instead of investigating within me with self-honesty and thus finding out what would be the best decision to make for me and all parts involved.

I have this very specific path that I believe I should follow. The path consists of me, getting the highest grades, looking perfect, having friends that like and appreciate me - a path in where I please others so that they can say “hey, this girl is nice” – a path in where I am constantly running away from the experience of guilt and not being good enough, not being perfect, not being appreciated by others and a path that I fear giving up because of the belief that I will be ostracized from society if I do not follow it meticulously. This is dishonest bullshit because I see that fear is directing me within my life, fear of experiencing guilt, fear of giving up my beliefs, ideas and values. So, here I can see clearly that I do not live self-honesty – I don’t even live for ME.