Monday, August 20, 2012

Day 129. I Take Back The Truth - It Was a Lie








This is a continuation to my previous post; 





















  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘honesty’ as ‘telling the truth’/‘speaking my thoughts’ and within this have adjusted my life and myself accordingly in where I would be taught to be as honest as I can be and if I am not honest, as what I have defined as honesty, would experience guilt and shame and go into the experience of anxiety – believing that I have been “bad”/done something wrong. Within this I would not ever look at the point of what is best for all parts involved but merely adjust myself to act according to the system of morality/norms/rules/principles instead of, when and as I have a thought or have done something, actually investigate my starting-point of sharing that thought/action with someone else and within that clearing up my starting-point to ensure that I speak and act in self-honesty and that the starting-point is not that I want to run away from/avoid the experience of guilt/shame/anxiety that I have programmed myself to experience if/when I am not telling/sharing “the truth”.

  • When and as I see that I get the urge to “speak the truth”/”speak my thoughts” – I stop and I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to simply share myself just because I feel the urge to – this is a red flag that I flag-point - because within this I see and realize that that starting-point originated from self-interest in where I want to share myself because of a belief and idea that I am being dishonest otherwise, which I have defined as being “bad” – thus I want that “burden” lifted off my shoulders through sharing “the truth” – and this is thus not self-expression in where I speak and express me, but am merely speaking with the starting-point of manipulation in where I want to take a shortcut in relation to not having to experience the experiences of shame/anxiety/fear and instead of investigating with self-honesty through self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-corrective applications I am trying to ‘get rid of’ the experiences through ‘speaking the truth’ – this is thus manipulation and self-interest and does not serve what is best for all.

  • Within this I commit myself to check my starting-point with self-honesty through looking at the point of WHY I want to share/speak a thought/experience I had or something that I had done – is it because of self-interest in where I want to get away from the experience of guilt/fear/shame/anxiety/burden and want to be loyal to the system/rules/morality I will experience it as an urge to speak/share – thus I slow myself down and I see the red flag. Before I actually share what I experience/think/have done I commit myself to investigate within myself what the starting-point of this sharing is, if it is simply just because I feel that I “should share” because otherwise I believe that I am being dishonest and will thus experience guilt/shame/anxiety – I commit myself to, before I share, investigate and clear up this point for myself firstly through self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-corrective application and through this can investigate once more and see if sharing serves the purpose of what is best for all parts involved or if it is still just a point of wanting to get a burden lifted off my shoulders – then I commit myself to lift the burden off of my shoulders myself, taking self-responsibility through self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-corrective application – and I commit myself to walk this until I do not react to what I did/thought so that I do not experience that “urge” to share/speak it but instead can take the point apart myself and then look at whether or not my starting-point of sharing it with another serves the principle of what is best for all.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self-responsibility through wanting that “burden” lifted off my shoulders through sharing “the truth” with others and within this believing/experiencing it as if I am releasing myself from the guilt/fear/anxiety through being ‘honest’ – thus I am acting with the starting-point of fear of self, manipulation and self-interest because within this point I do not acknowledge the fact that I am the one creating the experiences of guilt/fear/anxiety and thus when I am trying to act in a specific way, such as speaking/sharing “the truth” with someone else from the starting-point of fear of facing experiences of guilt/fear/anxiety I am actually stating that I fear myself and my creation.

  • I now see, realize and understand that I am not self-honest and am not taking self-responsibility when and as I am abdicating my responsibility through sharing my internal experiences, thoughts or something I have done with someone else without first freeing myself from the experiences/reactions that aroused from my internal experiences/thoughts/something I have done but that I am merely trying to find a “quick fix”/quick “solution” through speaking/sharing when it is from that starting-point – thus I am manipulating and acting in self-interest and am not living the courage to investigate myself and my experiences/reactions with self-honesty.  

  • I commit myself to, before I share something in relation to something I have done/experienced/thought, I firstly support myself through walking the point through for myself in where I investigate the point with self-honesty within myself before I take the decision to share/speak it – so that I am not speaking/sharing something that I am still experiencing reactions towards but that I can speak/share myself without defining myself according to the thought/experience/what I had done – so that I within this do not create unnecessary conflicts/frictions but am instead speaking without defining myself according to something I have done/thought/experienced and making sure that I stand clear on the point, not allowing myself to take it personally and furthermore I commit myself to always check if what I am sharing really does serve the purpose of what is best for all parts involved or if it is just an act of self-interest and manipulation.

  • Furthermore I commit myself to not use this as an excuse to keep things to myself as ‘secrets’ in where I deliberately take it to an extreme in where I do not share my internal experiences in honest sharing within my agreement because of a belief and idea that I should not share anything before I have investigated it firstly – but instead I commit myself to, if I see that I need another point of view/further perspective/assistance/support – to share the point in self-honesty through explaining why I am sharing that specific thought/act that I had done/thought and thus see if I can get some clarification through seeing it from another person’s perspective/point of view – thus making sure that I do not take this to an extreme in where I think and believe that I should not speak/share anything without first walking through the point meticulously – instead I just make sure that I ask myself the question “why do I want to share this” before I speak so that I can make sure that I am not going in with the starting-point of wanting to manipulate the situation and outcome to serve my self-interest in where I just want validation/confirmation/appreciation and thus do not accept or allow myself to abdicate my self-responsibility.   

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