Day 131. When The Guilt Kills

This is a continuation to my previous post; 

Day 130. I Lie, But at Least I Agree With You!

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be honest from a starting-point of guilt in where I think and believe that I must speak the ’truth’ so that I can free myself from guilt, not seeing or realizing that this is actually a short-cut in where I do not want to take self-responsibility through investigating why I experienced that initial guilt and free myself from the guilt, the guilt that I actually created but instead I want to make it easy for myself through speaking the ‘truth’ so that I do not have to investigate the point with self-honesty.

• I now see, realize and understand that the reason why I experience guilt and are using honesty as a way to “free” myself from that experience in where I think and believe that ‘speaking the truth’ is the right thing to do is because of how I was taught within this society in the context of how one should act/be/behave to be appreciated/accepted by others and to be seen as a “good being” - that this eventually became in imprint within me in where I started to go into an automatic experience of guilt every time I would not ‘speak the truth’ – thus I was running away from the experience of guilt every time I was ‘speaking the truth’ – allowing the experience of fear of guilt to direct and control me – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I was the one creating the experience of guilt in the first place, thus I fear and are running away from me when and as I speak the truth from the starting-point of fear of guilt.

• When and as I see that guilt arises within me and that I within this want to go and ‘speak the truth’ to apparently free myself from that experience – I stop and I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to continue making myself inferior to the experience of guilt in where I think and believe/connect the experience of guilt to ‘not speaking the truth’ but instead I see, realize and understand that I created this connection, that I created the experience of guilt and then connected/linked that experience to being ‘dishonest’ and that I, instead of forgiving myself am trying to take a “short-cut” through abdicating my self-responsibility onto others.

• I commit myself to, when and as I see that guilt arises and connect it to ‘not speaking the truth’ to slow myself down with and as breath, not accept or allow myself to abdicate my self-responsibility through go and speak the “truth” but instead I investigate the point of dishonesty within me through self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-corrective application in where I look at the point with self-honesty and self-responsibility, investigate what the starting-point of wanting to ‘speak the truth’ was and after applying myself I take a look at the point of whether or not it is best for all parts involved if I share ‘the truth’ – within this I can see with self-honesty what purpose it serves, if it was just a point of me, wanting to “free myself” through speaking ‘the truth’ to someone and within that see that it does not serve any other purpose I, instead, commit myself to walk this point with self-honesty and self-responsibility in where I take the responsibility to free myself. If I see that ‘speaking the truth’ actually is a point of what is best for all parts involved in where I see that I must share the truth for clarification – I do so, but firstly I commit myself to walk through the point for myself so that I delete the reactions that I have connected to the point and within that can thus afterwards share the point and stand stable within the point because I have walked it out for myself.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be honest from a starting-point of wanting to do the ‘right’ and ‘good’ thing so that I can validate, charge and empower my “I am a good person-character” and within this have allowed myself to think and believe that to be ‘honest’ is the right thing to do because that’s what I was taught as a child, within this not seeing or realizing that this is actually dishonest because the starting-point of telling the ‘truth’ is that I want others to validate and appreciate me as the character that I am taking on – that the “I am a good person-character” needs the energy that comes from the experience of being validated by others as a good person to sustain, upgrade, empower and charge itself – thus I manipulate others with ‘honesty’ so that they will see me as a ‘good person’.

• I now see, realize and understand that I am speaking the truth from a starting-point of manipulation and that I am not directing myself in such situations through being self-honest and taking self-responsibility for my initial definition of myself as a ‘bad being’ – within this I realize that I am trying to go from one polarity to the other through defining myself as a ‘bad being’ and within this want to make myself feel like a ‘good person’ instead and that I use honesty as a way to be able to go into the “I am a good person-character” since I was taught in my childhood years that speaking the truth is apparently equivalent to being a ‘good person’ – not seeing or realizing that both of these experiences is two different characters that I have created, that it is not me as who I am in self-honesty, because within self-honesty I do not need anybody else’s validation/confirmation/appreciation because I am standing here in equality and oneness with myself as life, not defining myself as either ‘good’ or ‘bad’.

• When and as I see that I am trying to get rid of/stop the experience of being a ‘bad being’ through speaking ‘the truth’ to others so that I can go into the “I am a good person-character”, since that character feels so much better, and within this think and believe that ‘speaking the truth’ is the right thing to do, thus I am able to go into the “I am a good person-character” if I speak the ‘truth’ – I stop and I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to continue charging and empowering the “I am a good person-character” through using the ‘truth’ as a means to go into the experience I get when I am within the “I am a good person-character” – but instead I see, realize and understand that when I allow the experience of being a good person to exist within me in where I define myself accordingly I am leaving an open space for the polarity-construct in where I will also keep the “I am a bad being-character” – instead of me, standing here within self-trust, self-responsibility and self-honesty in where I do not accept or allow myself to define myself according to being ‘bad’ or ‘good’ but instead realize that it is not about being ‘good’ or ‘bad’ but that it is merely about taking self-responsibility for my actions/words/deeds so that I within this can be trusted.

• I commit myself to not accept or allow myself to continue ‘telling the truth’ from the starting-point of wanting to feel good/like a good being but instead I see and realize that this indicates a dishonesty-point because that means that I am defining myself as either good/bad instead of standing within self-honesty, self-responsibility and self-trust. I furthermore commit myself to flag-point situations in where I see that ‘speaking the truth’ makes me ‘feel good’ since I thus see that this is an indication of dishonesty and deliberate manipulation – thus I take self-responsibility through investigating the point with self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-corrective applications.