Sunday, September 9, 2012

Day 149. Dressed Like a Twelve-year-old


























  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and even fear throwing away old clothes/shoes – even when they are completely ragged/worn out/torn apart and unusable – within this have thus saved clothes and shoes which I will only once in a while be able to wear, but through using it I am not assisting and supporting my body, because through using shoes that are broken for example I will compromise my back and knees since the shoes are so worn out that I practically am walking on the ground, which has a negative impact on my knees and back and when I am wearing clothes that are completely ragged it will become chilly/cold and in that way compromise my physical support – but in this will resist ‘giving them up’ because of the idea and belief that I will someday ‘regret’ that I threw them away – and because of the fear of regret I rather save them, within this am allowing resistance and fear of regret to direct and control me in where I still have clothes/shoes that I bought 10 years ago which just takes up space.

  • I now see, realize and understand that the reason for why I save shit such as clothes/shoes that are completely unusable is because of fear of having to face an experience of regret if I would throw them out and then ‘change my mind’ –LOL. I see and realize that I can’t continue as is, I have to get rid of the shit and allow myself to support myself to buy new shoes instead of walking in shoes I bought as a twelve-year-old. Hahaha. I realize that the major point within this is that I actually resist giving myself new things, I resist ‘investing’ money in myself – because of the belief and idea that I am not worthy and I also see that it is an underlying fear of giving up/letting go of the past in where I am trying to hold on to the past through holding on to stuff. I see the stupidity within this, that I am compromising my physical body through wearing shoes that are uncomfortable and broken, because within this I compromise my knees through walking around with shoes that do not support me effectively and I realize that I once and for all must let go of the past, and that one step in that process is to actually let go of the clothes/shoes I would wear in the past because I see with clarity that they do not support me.

  • When and as I am sorting out the clothes and shoes through throwing away what is not supporting me as my physical body anymore and I see that resistance and fear comes up in where I fear that I might ‘change my mind’ later and because of this want to keep the clothing/shoes – I stop and I breathe – I see, realize and understand that this is actually manipulation in where I am trying to hold on to the past with the use of clothes/shoes, within this thinking and believing that it would be the end of the world if I one day wake up and remember a fucking shirt I threw away and that I now would like to wear – I realize that shoes/clothes are here as practical support and that I within this must simply see what supports me, what feels good for my body and let go of the past and the future through not accepting or allowing myself to manipulate myself through thinking ‘but what if I regret my decision later’ – instead see what supports me right here and right now and make a decision accordingly.

  • I commit myself to first of all live the decision of sorting out and getting rid of clothes/shoes that do not support me – within this realizing that it is a decision that I see with self-honesty is needed to be walked, thus I walk it. Furthermore I commit myself to support myself within this decision with a ‘guideline’ when sorting out the clothes/shoes in where I ask myself two questions when deciding to either save or throw away the specific garment/shoe:  1. Does this support me practically through assisting my physical body? 2. Does this support me in my self-expression? And within this answer the question in complete self-honesty without allowing back-chat to direct/manipulate the situation – in where I decide to only save what both supports my physical body in this practical reality and support me in my self-expression through being clothes/shoes that I actually like and enjoy. 

6 comments:

  1. Awersome, soo beautifulll.
    Hugs from Barcelona (Spain).
    www.thepaulacorner.blogspot.com

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  2. Awesome point, changing our mind would in fact mean: stopping compromising our physical to 'fit' in these clothes - I can relate to this, I would literally have to breathe and let go of the old stuff. Thanks Malin!

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  3. I had the same Malin! I only recently bought some new pants and shirts, because i was still wearing stuff from when I was 12/14/16/18. I'm now 28!!! I also didnt want to invest money in myself. Wore trousers which were ragged, and used them as a trademark, as in, "i don't care what you think, i already know" Thus everyday recycling myself in an experience of allowed resistance and inferiority... Facinating stuff! Thank you. I see I have to get rid of a lot more.

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  4. Dear Malin,
    I might be wrong, but I think that it would be better if it were the other way round: first I try to understand Why it is so difficult to throw something away (is it a part of me…? which part??). When I clearly realize what piece of Me I see in those clothes/shoes, I can’t help being overwhelmed by grief, and I cry so deeply… and long… as much as there is to cry… cry for what is lost, for what I didn’t have but so much needed, for what I deep inside know that was missing but couldn’t admit to it with myself, and therefore clung to the dress/shoe/(examination grade?) as a symbol of it... But once the connection between the “object” and the related emotion is clear, I can simply let go of the thing. Because Bits of Me, after grief, return to where they belong: inside me, where they belong and fill the void, and not projected outside on things/achievements.
    See if this makes sense to you. You wrote something of a sort in a previous blog…

    All the best,
    M

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  5. I also still wear clothing from when I was 16 , but thats not because I dont want to give anything to myself, because I do buy clothing and shoes when I need them, its just that they are still perfectly fine clothing, without being torn or worn out.

    So for me, it was more about buying too much clothing, which I didn't really need but desired to look a certain way. This was especially strong around age 14-17.

    Anyway, cool blog! Thx for it :)

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  6. i have an 8 year old computer. the fan on the processor has some bearing issues, not good for my ears. haha i should replace the fan sometimes. i have about 2 years old boots, one of them is kinda ripped, or what, but not to the degree that it would uncover parts of my feet. and i have an 8 or 7 years old kinda barbell, with very bad handle, good thing my hands are somewhat small, so it is still useable. I dont have much stuff personally, but these are old, btw, i have a 24 years old worn body.. i think people should move towards artificial bodies (btw).

    I was just asked a few things from SF when i was watching Anns video, i paused, turns out She has an old pc still around not used for a long time, on wich She created cursors (wich i use now).

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