Monday, September 10, 2012

Day 150. Anorexia and the Fashion Industry


This is a continuation 
 to my previous post;

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist giving up and letting go of the past – within this am trying to hold on to the past through not throwing away the clothes that I used to wear when being anorexic which are now waaaaay to small – but within this would hold on to some of the clothes with the secret agenda of ‘maby one day I get skinny again and then they might fit – then I’ll neeeeed them’ – within this refusing to see that this is fucked up, that this is a weak-point that I have left for the mind to take over, in where I can use the clothes as a deliberate manipulation-tactic in reminding myself of how skinny I was back then which is something that the mind can use to convince me that now I am fat and have to become skinny again so that I can wear my clothes – because they are not worn out or damaged, “I am just too fat at the moment“ .

  • I now see, realize and understand that through saving clothes I would wear when being anorexic and half my size I am leaving an open window for the mind to take over in where I still have that weak-point of not allowing myself to take the decision completely and fully of letting go of the past through seeing that I will never allow myself to go back to being anorexic, thus I will never need the clothes that are way too small ever again, certainly never ever at no time – thus I realize that the clothes serves me no good but that I have saved them because of a desire in the mind of someday maby becoming ‘skinny’ again – I see with clarity that this is a point in where I am deliberately holding myself back from choosing life and that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see and realize that this is one of those small menial points that I have chosen not to look at or delete.

  • When and as I am sorting out and getting rid of the clothes/shoes that does not support me practically anymore and when I then come across clothes that simply do not fit anymore, are to small and within this see that resistance towards throwing them out comes up – I stop and I breathe – I see, realize and understand that this is a point in where the mind will resist letting go of the clothes that are too small because when I throw them out I am taking a stance in where I am ending that chapter of my life completely and am thus taking the stance to not ever go back, the mind will thus ‘lose’ its window of opportunity and I will remove and delete the weak-point and the clothes that can be used as a manipulation-tactic for me to go back to self-abuse. I within this see and realize that this point does not support me in any kind of way and that it is completely useless to save the clothes that simply don’t fit – thus I do not accept or allow myself to hold on to the clothes because of a resistance I experience within the mind but instead I look at the practical point of, ‘okay, these clothes do not fit, I cannot wear them – thus I throw them out’

  • I commit myself to, when going through the clothes/shoes, make sure that I do not save any piece of garment/shoe that do not fit, that are to small – within this simply take the decision to only save clothes that are my size and in that simple decision just walk it, not accept or allow back-chat or internal conversations to ‘convince’ me into save them through thinking ‘I might be able to use them later’ or ‘I might be able to use the fabric/material for something’ but instead I simply stop and breathe, I stop the back-chat/internal conversation and I let go of the clothes/shoes that are too small through looking at it practically in where I only save clothes/shoes that support me right here and right now, not allowing myself to think about the future, using the future as a manipulation-tactic through thinking ‘maby I’ll use it for something later’ but instead realize that this is an indication of manipulation thus I make sure that I only look at what supports me now, and what do not support me right now I get rid of.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to REFUSE to admit to myself that the only reason why I have saved clothes that I used to wear as an anorexic is because I secretly still glorifies anorexia within the mind, wishing that I ‘someday could go back’ – not seeing or realizing that the back-chat ‘I wish I someday could go back to being anorexic’ will most often arise when/as I see the clothes that I once used to wear – and that through saving these clothes I am actually deliberately creating a weak-point in where the mind can step in and take control again, cause as long as I save the clothes from the past it indicates that I am not willing to give up my past but instead I want to have something to cling onto – something that I can secretly use as a way to go back into the past – not seeing or realizing that I am creating my own failure, my own time-loop, through not standing up within and as my decision completely and fully to the extent that I do not allow any ‘open window’ or weak-point in where I know that the mind can step in.

  • I now see,  realize and understand that I am self-sabotaging through saving my ‘anorexic-clothes’ because through doing so I am stating that I refuse to give up, let go of and release myself from the past – and instead I want to make sure that I at least have ‘something’ to cling onto – not seeing or realizing the fuckness within this and that I didn’t decide to save the clothes, but allowed myself to get manipulated from and of the mind – okay, so I look at this point practically and I realize that the clothes that I have saved does not fit me right here and right now, they do not even fit a five-year-old, thus I understand that if I would ever go back to abusing myself to such an extent that I get a five-year-old’s body ever again I will die, gone, dead, the end. Thus I have two choices here – 1.Save the clothes, self-sabotage through allowing the clothes to haunt me until I decide to listen to the mind and starve myself again – but this time I know that it will end with death because my body will not take it again, thus one choice is death. 2.I throw the clothes away, I end that chapter of my life, I do not accept or allow the mind to even make the slightest sound meanwhile I throw out the clothes, I throw out ALL the clothes that do not fit, even those that are just “a liiiiiitttle bit too small” – because if I would to save the clothes that are “a liiiiiiittle bit too small” would still indicate that I allow abuse, SO – no exceptions, all clothes that do not fit me right here and right now are OUT! And thus I leave that chapter behind me, I do not look back, I do not even leave the window a liiiiiiiitttle bit open, it’s closed, sealed, locked - barred and bolted.

  • I commit myself to choice alternative 2. I decide to choice life. Within this I commit myself to simply walk the point of throwing away clothes that do not fit, I see that it is a practical, extremely simple thing to do – thus I commit myself to not complicate it through allowing the mind to interfere/influence me meanwhile I walk this decision – instead I simply breathe, when the back-chat arises while throwing away clothes that are to small I simply stop and breathe, “sorry mind, but now I have taken this decision and I am going to walk it, no matter what, so you just have to be silent now, bye, bye” so, I make this easy for myself through simply doing it as a practical step or self-direction, and whenever I see that it gets ‘hard’ through coming across a garment that I am not 100% sure about, whether it might be too small or not – I ask for assistance from my partner, to within this NOT allow myself to ask the mind, cause the mind will not act rational in this matter. I commit myself to walk this no matter what, one step at a time, one garment at a time – until that chapter is over and I am here.

1 comment:

  1. Lena Björklund-OlofssonSeptember 10, 2012 at 11:17 PM

    Malin, I'm so happy and proud of you! You have really come a long way on your journey towards a life that nobody can deserve more than you after all that you've been through. It must definitely include a tremendous amount of willpower and effort, much more than I can ever imagine.

    I love you so very, very much and want you to know that I'll always be here for you whenever you need me or just feel like spending time together.

    Lena, your proud and faithful mum that couldn't be happier for you!

    Tons of love and my warmest hugs to you Malin! <3 <3 <3