Day 152. I REFUSE to see my Capacity

This is a continuation to my previous post;

Day 151. Surviving in a Fucked Up System

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attend school with the starting-point of fear in where I have allowed fear to direct, move and motivate me to ‘stay in school’ – because within this point I experience it as if I do not have a choice, that I have to go through the education-system to be able to get an efficient income later in my life – fearing having to go through the education-system ‘later’ when I am older thus with this whole fear in the back of the mind I will go into the school-system trying to integrate information/knowledge with the starting-point of fear of failure – and within this will go into the mind asking myself the same question during every exam/assignment/test; “why am I doing this, what does this lead to” – back-chatting about my decision in terms of choosing to go through school, and thus in situations in where I experience stress/fear/worry will immediately go into the mind and rattle off all the different alternatives I might have - doubting myself in my decision of walking through school – not seeing or realizing that it is not the decision I am doubting – what I am doubting is myself, which is quite fucked up since I have showed myself over and over again that I am capable, I have the capacity to walk through whatever is required to be walked through – but when I exist within the mind I am unable to see and comprehend reality – so instead of standing here with and as me I will look at a projection of who I believe I am in my self-religion where I am just a ‘failure’ not capable of anything. Haha. What a joke, really, what a fucking joke – that I can see myself so differently when I look at how I ‘experience’ myself in the mind and compare it to this physical reality in where I understand that I am capable, but refuse to realize it in its entirety, instead I know that I am capable, but will still go into fear of failure – because maby one day I ‘fail’.

• Within this I now see, realize and understand that when and as I allow fear to move me within school I become ineffective which makes me go into stress and the experience of ‘not having enough time’ – thus I realize that it is possible to study more effectively through simply not participate within an experience in and of the mind meanwhile – instead simply directing myself to doing until it’s done, one step at a time. I furthermore realize that ‘doubting’ my decision in terms of walking through school is only based on the experience I create when being in school, because I have accepted and allowed school to become ‘so hard’ through connecting experiences to studying such as fear, stress, worry – instead of simply just directing myself to do what’s necessary to be done – I realize that when I direct myself it doesn’t matter if I have a job/go to school/do nothing – because when I direct myself no experience decides who I am going to be – thus, it doesn’t matter in what situation I am in – what matters is who I am in any given situation. Within this I see, realize and understand that I can only doubt myself when and as I accept and allow myself to define myself according to my ‘performances’ in school in where I think and believe that my grades tells me who I am – thus I understand that this is a point I have to walk in more detail/specificity and commit myself to constantly direct myself back to here when and as I see that I’ve gone into the mind in where I ‘experience’ self-doubt – because within this I realize that the experience of self-doubt is not the same as ‘not being capable’ – so thus I see that the experience of self-doubt is useless and will only make me ineffective through going into stress/fear/anxiety/doubt and in that experience I cannot be effective, thus I will get a hard time, which will lead to even more self-doubt and there goes the vicious circle.  

• When and as I see that I go into self-doubt in where I am doubting myself or my decision to walk through school – within this participating within back-chat and internally conversing with myself about how ‘difficult it is’ and how much ‘easier it would be to have a full-time job instead’ – I immediately stop and breathe – I see, realize and understand that my experiences has nothing to do with what I am physically, practically participating in – that I create the experience of self-doubt/stress/fear/anxiety and I am just trying to abdicate my self-responsibility onto my physical reality through blaming the system for how I experience myself internally – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I took a decision to allow this experience within me and I took the decision to allow the experience to determine who I am. I within this realize that it doesn’t matter what I do within my life – that the only thing that matters is WHO I AM within what I am doing.

• I do not accept or allow myself to continue going into/participating within the experience of doubting my decision to walk school – but instead I commit myself to make sure that it supports me practically, money-wise, and in this I simply make sure that I realize that school and walking school has NOTHING to do with how I experience myself, so within this I commit myself to slow myself down when walking through school, realize that whatever experience comes up is a result of my acceptances and allowances and has nothing to do with my external world/reality – so, I commit myself to breathe and focus on the practical walking, breathing, doing, breathing, doing and when self-doubt arises I stop and breathe, within this realize that it is uncalled for, self-doubt is useless and does not help me in any kind of way, I do not need the self-doubt to move me to ‘work harder’ – so thus I bring myself back out of the self-doubt and back to here in where I simply focus on practical doing.