Day 157. How Anorexia, Gymnastics and School Serves The Exact Same Purpose

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to realize that I have always interpret it as if I need to achieve/perform in my external world through being ‘better’/’the best’/a ‘high achiever’/good at something specific to be able to get confirmation/validation in the form of a medal/award/grade to be able to internally validate/confirm myself as being ‘alright’ and worthy of life - and within this not seeing or realizing that this was all imprinted through my childhood which would become most predominant while I would participate/compete in gymnastics in where I taught myself and saw that when I manage to do something ‘remarkable’ with my physical body in gymnastics I would get applauds and appreciation/attention from others, while if I wouldn’t manage to be ‘as good as the others’ I wouldn’t get any appreciation/attention/applauds and within that would also be unable to validate/confirm that I am ‘alright’ – and thus when I dropped out of gymnastics, due to the experience of ‘not being good at it’, I perceived it as if I HAD TO FIND something NEW to be good at, so that I still could remain in the belief of being ‘worthy of life’ - which I later on would bring into/incorporate when creating/manifesting anorexia in where I would decide the RULES of the GAME – where only I could be the winner, the best, better, ‘good at something’ if I achieved the ultimate goal and rule of the game which were to continuously drop weight, push my physical to the ultimate limit – while if I was unable to follow the rules or broke the rules through eating or not exercising as much as I had decided was a rule of the game I would instead see myself, just as in the gymnastic-competitions where I wasn’t ‘the best’, as ‘not good enough’, unworthy of applauds/awards/validation/confirmation – and thus I must punish myself through abusing my physical body since I ‘lost the game’ and broke the rules.

• I now see, realize and understand that the experience of being able to do something ‘remarkable’ in my external world/reality and through that getting/receiving validation/confirmation from others/myself was actually an experience of having neglected myself, my human physical body and my self-support to such an extent that I was able to push my body to the ultimate limit and through that achieving something that others would refer to as ‘remarkable’ in gymnastics and that I would refer to as ‘remarkable’ when it came to the ‘ability’ I perceived myself to have when it came to starving myself to the ultimate limit – both those points would thus make me perceive it as if I have to push myself and my physical body to an ultimate limit in where I neglect supporting myself – because only then I’m able to achieve/receive a medal/award/applause/confirmation/validation, validation in the context of seeing the numbers drop on the scale, which would be the ‘ultimate medal/award for my hard work’ – and within this I realize that I am perpetuating the anorexia through still seeing ‘not eating’ and abusing my physical as ‘the only thing that I am good at’ – so thus, when and as I took the decision to stop allowing that point I instead tried to find another way to validate myself, trying to compensate ‘not being good at anorexia’ through trying to find a point that I could be ‘good at’ and within this I decided to place my self-worth in school, believing that I have to achieve ‘remarkable grades’ to validate/confirm me/be confirmed/validated by the teachers through getting ‘the highest grades’ – which made me ‘want it so badly that I simply couldn’t have it’ – because my starting-point within this was FUCKED – I only wanted/needed/desired to get the highest grades so that I could increase my self-worth. And within this I haven’t even seen the pattern, that this is still the exact same point as I was facing before – that I am in a total time-loop, that I exchanged the anorexia for yet another external point to find confirmation/validation within – that the underlying problem is still existing within and directing me.

• I see, realize and understand that I am accepting and allowing myself to see myself through the eyes of others, and this is the driving-force within my life, instead of me living for myself. And I realize that I within this am taking grades for example as something personal, because I have allowed myself to see it as a grading-system for who I am, a grading-system for my worth. And thus when I perceive it as if the others, such as the teachers, do not see me as ‘worthy of the highest grade’ I will allow myself to perceive it as if I’ve ‘lost the meaning of it all’ – as if there is no use in attending school if I can’t be validated as worthy through receiving high grades.

• When and as I am attending school and I notice that I am seeing myself through the eyes of another, such as when the teacher are giving me a result back on an exam, or when being unable to answer a question – and within that am seeing that I am taking it personally through defining myself according to the result or defining myself according to how I perceive another person sees me – I stop and I breathe – I see, realize and understand that I have allowed myself to take external factors personally, such as my grade, instead of realizing that I am not defined within the grade, and that how I perceive others to see me is not who I am – thus I do not accept or allow myself to continue going into the mind in where I take it personally – but instead, immediately when I see that I have gone into the mind and taken it personally I stop, I breathe, I bring myself back to here – in where I realize that what matters is not the grade/result I receive – what matters is who I am within walking school.

• Thus, I commit myself to walk school with the realization that I, as who I am, am not defined by the grade/result I get – I, as who I am, am not defined by my perception of how a teacher sees me, I, as my self-worth is not defined by what grade I receive – so, within this I commit myself to slow myself down within school – bring my directive principle here, walk as the directive principle of me and within that not accept or allow myself to define myself according to how I perceive another person sees me, I do not accept or allow myself to take a grade/result personally – instead I walk here, I study and do my best and that’s the end of the story.

• Furthermore I commit myself to further assist and support myself through investigating this time-loop and pattern I have created and am living according to – to get to the core of the point and find out exactly how this has shaped/formed who I have been and become – to within this pin-point the situations in where I am participating within this pattern and thus simply stop complying, standing up and changing myself within the point.