Thursday, October 18, 2012

Day 188. In My Opinion I am Not Good Enough - Ever


































  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to comply with the experience of discomfort – which I created through giving value to opinions that consisted of and existed as self-judgments and self-definitions that aroused within and of the mind in relation to whom I perceive myself to be – in this training myself through continuous compliance to believe the opinions as judgments and definitions to be the real reality of me, integrating it until it became automated – in this not seeing or realizing that I can and have the opportunity to stand up and stop when and as the opinions as self-judgments and self-definitions arises – that I could simply stop complying whenever I’d like to, in one single breath, simply stop and breathe and change my path through; instead of allowing the mind to tell me who I am, I stand up for life, which is the physical - and realize that my physical do not judge itself – the real me do not judge me, but through giving value to the opinions within the mind I am making it into reality through adjusting, changing and molding my physical participation accordingly – in where I allow the self-judgments and self-definitions as opinions to construct the path that I am walking, a path of self-limitations, self-sabotage, self-abuse and self-suppression – all of this is thus allowed due to my decision of believing and giving value to opinions – when all the while I could just stop and instead focus on what really matters, and in that take the decision to instead give value to what is real as this physical reality. But in this have instead accepted and allowed myself to fear what would happen if I’d stop complying with the opinions and perceptions I have and have created of myself within the mind, because of the belief and idea that the opinions and perception I have created of myself within the mind is REALLY ME, as who I am – and in that perpetuating my enslavement to the opinions as self-judgments and self-definitions – being and becoming enslaved to illusions which I myself created to begin with – just because of fear of change. Fear of who I would be and become if I do not restrict and limit myself according to self-judgments and self-definitions.

  • In this I now see, realize and understand that the opinions I have created as self-judgments and self-definitions towards myself within the mind is controlling me in multiple different aspects of my life – and in this I realize that I am limiting, restricting and suppressing myself, stopping myself from actually LIVING – thus letting illusions, which I have given value to, to control me, my life, my decisions and my participation. I furthermore see and realize that what I also fear is the experience of SHAME – which I now see is a prominent experience which arises when/if I go against the opinions I have within the mind as self-judgments and self-definitions, and in this go against the self-limitations I have created through not complying with the opinions but instead have pushed through – and then if/when I have perceived it as if that led me into something ‘embarrassing’ such as expressing myself ineffectively – I’ll go into shame, thus I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the opinions as self-judgments and self-definitions are ‘protecting’ me from doing things which I will have to regret later, because when and as I comply with the opinions I will instead suppress, hide and limit myself to not ‘take up space’ and thus my chances of doing something apparently ‘embarrassing’ or wrong decreases. So, in this I see and realize that I must work with and investigate the SHAME which I fear so wholly – in this thinking and believing that the judgments, definitions and opinions that I have of myself is helping and preventing me from doing/saying something ‘stupid’ or being someone that others will not ‘like and appreciate’ – because in this I suppress myself to not risk being disliked by others – but at the same time not seeing or realizing that I am preventing myself from actually speaking, expressing and living me – that I am preventing myself from living life – just because of fear of shame, fear of being disliked and fear of doing/saying something which others will not agree with/appreciate. I see and realize that I am not even giving myself the opportunity to live, I am not giving myself the opportunity which I was given unconditionally as life on earth – but am instead holding onto memories of past events in where I would express or speak me and in that went into shame and regret because of my perception of the situations – perceiving it as if it would have been better if I had just suppressed/hid me – and thus ‘living’ accordingly now, to not risk going into shame.

  • I commit myself to further investigate and note down where in my life I am accepting and allowing self-judgments and self-definitions as opinions to still control, influence and move me – and to in this first and foremost become aware of the actual extent of compliance I am participating within, just because of a perception of myself as actually being what the opinions within the mind is ‘telling me’ – in this working with and releasing myself from the opinions – because I now see, realize and understand that opinions are what prevents me from actually living life here – I have abdicated my self-responsibility to opinions within the mind.

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