2012: I am a victim=I am victimizing myself

I just came home from school in where I am studying Swedish. I’m having a difficulty in regards to what they are teaching us – meaning I can’t understand why the hell we have to learn what we have to learn.

So, when I signed up for taking this Swedish-class I believed that I would learn reading, speaking and writing. That’s pretty much what Swedish should be about. But the thing is that currently (from my point of view) we are actually having history-classes in were we have just learnt and had an exam on the antiquity. We are now learning about the middle age and during today’s class I became so tired of what the teacher was speaking about. For three hours we were supposed to sit and discuss the difference between antiquity and the middle age in relation to how the male was supposed to be/behave in antiquity and how a male was supposed to be/behave in the middle age and as well how the woman was supposed to be/behave. I started to become really irritated/annoyed and I just started to think and ask myself what the hell this has to do with the Swedish language. Why can’t we learn more important things? I want to read and write - not learn how the hell they lived during the middle age. I will never have ANY use out of this information and all school is about is that you are supposed to read information and knowledge and then you are supposed to be able to recall the information/knowledge on your exam. School is not about learning at all – it’s about being able to recall information and I am so sick and tired of this and I’m having a really hard time complying to this without questioning it. There are so much more important things that we need to learn – and especially since I didn’t sign up for a history class but I actually signed up for a Swedish-class.

What happened was that I just could shut up no more and I asked the teacher “but isn’t this more like history? I mean what does this have to do with the Swedish language?” I immediately regretted that I had spoken because from the look on her face I had made the biggest mistake I could ever do and she looked at me with eyes that said “you fucking kid I will not give you the highest grade anymore”. What she did say with her mouth though was something like “this is really, really important. It’s about the literature from different times and I think that this is just something everybody must know because this is just basic knowledge.” She also read the criteria for getting the highest grade so that I could see that this is what I have to learn. She said this with a very obvious irritation and spitefulness in here voice and I know from previous events that she can behave in a very unstable way.

She spoke to me as If I was a looser if I wouldn’t learn this and I immediately thought that this was just stupid “I hate myself for speaking up, I should just continue to shut up and pretend to be interested in what we are learning because then I will get the highest grade”. This is just my experience towards school and for as long as I can remember I have always suppressed myself and my expression through never asking questions or be critical towards the information that I have to recall. I have always had a very big difficulty in school and I got an ADHD diagnosis in a very young age. The thing is just that I have to work really hard to be able to remember/recall information and knowledge because I haven’t gotten an effective vocabulary and thus my mind is going high-wire when I am trying to remember information. I won’t go into detail about what ADHD is in this blogpost but what I wanted to say with that is just that I have always experienced difficulties in school and I’ve never really seen the reason for why I have to learn what I have to learn except the fact that I have to have a paper on the fact that I’ve been studying so that I can go out in the system.

Today I am just really starting to question if it’s worth it. It really feels like a prison and I was just about to start crying in school today because I was going into anger about the fact that I have to learn something that isn’t important for anybody to know and then when I questioned it I immediately got reminded of the fact that I should just shut up and comply.

So this is just an example of an experience of too-much-ness and I’ve realized that it’s only in the mind that things can get “too-much” – in reality we are able to direct and structure our world. This event isn’t really the primary point but it’s rather the event that made it all collapse and I now see that this experience that I’m having occurs when I have participated in my mind for a period of time, without directing or stopping the thoughts. What happens when one experience too-much-ness is that one has participated in thoughts for too long and it accumulates and eventually it only takes one event and the bubble bursts. This is when one will experience a form of possession and the too-much-experience takes over.

I will now walk some self-forgiveness on the back-chat/thoughts that I saw coming up but that I never directed or stopped which lead to me, experiencing “too-much-ness”. 

Self-Forgiveness;

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anger because of the fact that I have to learn something that I don’t find important/interesting to know and thus I allowed myself to react in anger and irritation because I couldn’t see the point of why I always have to comply. I now see, realize and understand that the anger in itself won’t make a difference and thus I just have to learn how to be able to integrate information without having any emotions or feelings attached to it.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger/irritation because I experience it as if I am powerless and that I always have to comply to the teacher.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself through thinking and believing that I can’t do this just because I don’t find history interesting – instead of seeing and realizing that it’s unacceptable for me to just give up on myself and my capacity just because I have a belief of what is interesting and what is not.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger because I don’t see the point in why I have to learn how to remember and recall useless information just because I want the highest grade – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am the one who is making it into useless information and that I – through attaching an emotion to the “useless” information is actually just making it harder for myself thus I am self-sabotaging my chances of getting a high grade when I am allowing emotions to get attached to the information that I have to integrate. I now realize that it doesn’t matter what information it is thus it doesn’t matter if the information is useless because I know that I have to take part of the system to be able to change the system.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget/suppress the real reason for why I am going through the school-system and thus I forgot about me and instead I just didn’t see the point of why I should attend school. I now realize that I am the one suppressing the real reason for why I am attending school so that I can give my power away to my mind in where I victimize myself and go into thoughts such as “I just don’t want to do this anymore”. I realize now that this is completely unacceptable because it is equivalent to me – giving up on myself. I remind myself of the fact that I am attending school for myself so that I will be able to go into the system and I know that to be able to go into the system I have to first go through the school – no matter what they are teaching us I will remain stable and remind myself of why I am doing it and thus I am not creating an opportunity for myself to go into my mind thinking that I don’t want to do this anymore.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can’t take this anymore and through that thought of wanting to give up I actually gave up on myself and made myself a victim – instead of directing myself and my reality.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of “too-much-ness” just because I believed that the teacher would lower my grade because I spoke up – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am the one who is creating that experience and I didn’t see the event with clarity since I was in my mind thinking that I would lower my grade because I spoke up.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself because I spoke up – instead of seeing and realizing that I can’t control another person’s reaction to what I am saying and thus I can’t blame myself for speaking up just because another person reacts in anger.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself and think that the whole world is against me just because I am faced with points that I have to work through and thus I’m not seeing the points for what it is because through me, victimizing myself, I am seeing the points as difficult and hard and I’m not seeing it for what it is – points that I have to work through. I now realize that this is actually a way for myself to test me and that it’s only me who are making events into “hard” and “difficult” and through me accepting and allowing myself to make events into something hard/difficult I am only self-sabotaging and I am making it more difficult than what it has to be.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within back-chat/thoughts and not directing them but instead allow myself to make it harder for myself through allowing myself to follow thoughts such as “it’s too much”. Thus not taking self-responsibility and instead blaming my environment/my reality for what I experience.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeat patterns of emotional turmoil instead of actually directing myself and my experience. I now realize that I am the only one who is responsible for how I experience myself thus I am the only one who can stop the patterns of self-victimization and emotional turmoil – I realize that I am the one creating my reality and that I am currently not directing myself effectively. I will not accept and allow myself to continue this pattern but instead I realize that I am able to direct myself, my world and my reality as what I experience and thus no one else is responsible for what I experience.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the fact that what school is teaching us is useless information as a scapegoat for me to experience too-much-ness and anger – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it doesn’t matter what information it is because I know that I can remain stable no matter what and as long as I am allowing myself to use it as a scapegoat for me to experience emotions and too-much-ness I am only sabotaging for myself since it is me who have to go through the experience of too-much-ness and emotional turmoil. I now realize that I am self-sabotaging when I blame someone/something else for how I experience myself and thus trying to make it “okay” that I experience myself in such a way but what actually happens in these moments is that I am the one who has to go through the shit just because I allowed myself to use my external world as a justification for what I experience. I will no longer accept and allow myself to use my external world as a reason/justification for how I experience myself because every time I do this I know that I am the one who will experience and go through difficulties that I am the one creating.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a mind-possession in where I think that “my whole life only consists of tasks” and thus victimized and pitied myself within my mind thinking that I am having such a tough life. I now realize that I am the one creating this “tough life” through me, participating within my mind and seeing my whole life as a task and thus I am not allowing myself to direct myself and my reality but instead I rely on my mind’s experience of my reality. I realize that through me, listening to my mind’s experiences I am only self-sabotaging and victimizing myself and thus I am the one who has to go through the unnecessary mind-possession. I realize that I can direct myself and my reality and I am responsible for how I experience my life within my mind so instead of continuing to listen to my minds experience I am bringing myself back to the physical and seeing my life for what it actually is – I am the one directing my life and my reality and no one/nothing else is responsible for how I experience myself – I am the one creating fuckups in my mind such as mind-possession just because I allowed myself to believe and follow the thoughts in my mind. I am not my thoughts and my thoughts are neither who I am nor my reality.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use reasons and justifications for why I am having a hard time studying such as “I am having ADHD thus I have to study much harder than everybody else” – instead of seeing and realizing that I am creating a fuckup when I allow myself to use reasons and justification and thus I am creating more difficulties because I have created a belief of myself as having difficulties in remembering/recalling information. I now realize that I am self-sabotaging through allowing myself to participate within a belief that I have to study so much harder to be able to remember/recall information and thus I am not allowing myself to read here unconditionally but instead I make myself less than what I actually am.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to self-sabotage through allowing myself to go into an experience of too-much-ness and thus I am limiting myself and my world through only seeing what needs to be done and thus I am not directing myself here.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought such as “this is useless information, why the hell should I learn this” and thus I am actually just limiting myself and self-sabotaging. I realize that the only way for me to be able to learn/remember information is through me, reading the words here unconditionally and thus I do not accept and allow myself to continue to self-sabotage but instead I stop my thoughts and start to read here unconditionally.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my environment for why I am not able to concentrate through me thinking and believing that I can’t study when someone is making sounds. I now realize that I am self-sabotaging when I allow myself to use sounds in the background as a scapegoat for me not directing myself into reading with concentration. I now realize that I am the one directing my concentration and thus it is me allowing myself to not direct myself but instead blame something/someone else for how I experience myself. I realize that I am the one creating my experiences.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see everything in my reality as hard and difficult and thus I have set a ground for how I will experience myself because I just see how “hard and difficult” everything is – instead of me directing my experience and my world and let go of the small things and instead focus on what is here and what it is that needs direction.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am unable to study when the apartment isn’t shining clean and thus I am self-sabotaging for myself through thinking and believing that my external environment has anything to do with me being able to study or not. I now see and realize the dishonesty in accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that my external environment can have any impact what so ever on how effective I can be at studying – I now realize that I am the one who is self-sabotaging through accepting and allowing myself to participate within my mind as thoughts such as “I can’t study if the apartment isn’t completely clean”. Instead I start to take self-responsibility through realizing that I am the one creating this experience and belief that I wouldn’t be able to study if my external world is a mess and thus I am also able to stop this and direct my focus onto what is here.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of too-much-ness just because I perceive the apartment as not clean and thus I allow myself to sabotage for myself through not directing my focus onto what is important such as school. I realize that I am the one creating my experience of too-much-ness because I have created a personality in regards to cleanliness and thus I haven’t allowed myself to focus on what is really here and what it is that needs direction but instead I allowed myself to go into the cleanliness-personality and start to participate within my mind thinking that I can’t study/focus on studying if the apartment isn’t completely clean. I see the dishonesty and thus I stop myself and my self-created personality through not accepting and allowing myself to participate in the experience of too-much-ness when I perceive the apartment as not clean.

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take on one point at a time and direct myself in each and every moment but instead I allowed myself to go into my mind and self-sabotaging through thinking about everything that has to be done and thus creating an experience of too-much-ness since I didn’t allow myself to be here in every moment taking on points as they come along. I realize that I am sabotaging when I am projecting myself into the future and thinking about “all that needs to be done” and thus I am actually only making myself less effective. I now see, realize and understand that I can only take on one point at a time and thus there is no use in me projecting myself into the future – I will not accept and allow myself to continue participating within anxiety/worry about the future but instead I realize that I am here and thus I can only direct one point at a time as what is here because if I allow myself to go into the mind, worrying about what comes next I am actually not here at all but instead I am in my mind projecting myself into the future.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget myself as the breath through participating within my mind as thoughts of all the tasks that I have to do and thus I didn’t allow myself to be effective and stable here. I now realize that I will not be able to be effective if I allow myself to go into emotions about what needs to be done. Thus I stop myself when I see myself going into the mind, participating within emotions and instead I bring myself back here to the breath.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as “not good enough” when I don’t understand what is being said in school and thus I allowed myself to go into an emotional state of mind – pitying myself because I didn’t understand and judging myself as “not good enough”. I now see, realize and understand the dishonesty in accepting and allowing myself to go into the mind pitying myself and seeing myself as not good enough just because I don’t understand something in school and thus I am not directing myself effectively but  instead self-sabotaging through participating within my mind as a belief that I am not good enough. I will not accept and allow myself to continue to go into the mind whenever I don’t understand what is being said in school but instead I direct myself with my breath and bring myself back here so that I can be effective.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind thinking “I can’t take this anymore” when I saw the dishes in the kitchen and thus allowing myself to go into “too-much-ness” just because a picture of dishes I saw and defined as negative and dirty.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to self-sabotage for myself every time I experience too-much-ness through allowing myself to go into a state of self-abuse whenever I experience too-much-ness and thus sabotaging for myself even more through not allowing myself to care for myself but instead embrace my emotional state of mind for not giving myself enough/sufficient food just because I have allowed myself for all my life to connect emotions to not eating.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience disgust against myself every time I experience too-much-ness and thus allowing myself to go into old thought-patterns of not wanting to give myself food because I don’t believe myself worthy of eating. I now see and realize that this is completely unacceptable and that I am only self-sabotaging and time-looping when I allow myself to participate within such thoughts and beliefs that I am disgusting and thus I will not accept and allow myself to limit or change my food-intake just because of how I experience myself within my mind but instead I take self-responsibility through realizing that this is just a mind-programming that I still have to continuously stop so that I don’t allow myself to time-loop.  

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of too-much-ness when I experience pain and thus I have allowed myself to go into my mind thinking that “I can’t take this” just because I experience pain. I now see and realize that when I experience pain I can’t allow myself to go into my mind thinking about everything else that needs to be done because when I do this I am self-sabotaging and creating time-loops and I am not here directing myself at all. I will not accept and allow myself to continue to participate in thoughts such as “I can’t take this anymore” just because I have another day of pain because I realize that I am only here in each and every moment so it doesn’t matter how many days I experience pain because this moment now has nothing to do with what I experienced before and thus it can never EVER get too-much within my reality – it’s only an experience in my mind and thus it’s not real.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get irritated and frustrated at M and thus projected my irritation and frustration at myself onto him – instead of taking self-responsibility for how I experience myself and thus I am creating dishonesty towards myself in not directing my irritation and frustration but instead taking it out on him. I now realize that every time I think/believe that I am experiencing something Because of someone else it’s actually never so – because I am the one experiencing something and thus I am the only one responsible. I bring it back to myself and I realize that I am just trying to project my experience against myself onto someone else because I didn’t want to take responsibility for my own dishonesty. I realize that when I take self-responsibility I will always remain stable no matter what someone does/how someone acts and thus I can use this as a cross-reference-point in where I see my own dishonesty every time I react at what someone else do.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the time in where I have to eat for myself as an opportunity for myself to be dishonest and not give myself enough/sufficient food/nutrition but instead think and believe that I should take the opportunity in where no one see me to self-sabotage and not eat enough. I now see and realize that I am time-looping every time I allow myself to go back into old patterns of only supporting myself when someone see and thus I have created secrets and hiding-places for me to not having to take self-responsibility. I realize that I have to start to take care of myself unconditionally no matter if someone “can see me” or not because I am living for myself and not just to please someone else. I realize that I am being completely dishonest with myself when I allow myself to go into my secret mind time-looping and thinking that I only eat to please others. I will not accept and allow myself to continue participating within these old thought-patterns of self-abuse but instead I direct myself here in the physical.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts such as “I just want to give up” just because I gave my power away to my mind and didn’t see what was here with clarity but instead I just saw “everything” that needed direction and thus I allowed myself to go into too-much-ness because I gave up on myself and thought that I didn’t have the capacity to direct my world and my reality. I now see and realize that this is only an experience of the mind and thus my reality is not equivalent to my mind’s perception of reality. I see and realize that I am the one creating such experiences of too-much-ness when I allow myself to think and believe that I don’t have the capacity to direct my world/reality. I will not accept and allow myself to continue to participate and believe in such thoughts as “I just want to give up” because I now see that this is only making me time-loop and experience emotions that is completely unnecessary  and that I can stop in one breath through just directing myself. I see that this mind-experiences is only making me ineffective and thus I am just self-sabotaging when allowing myself to participate within it.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize and pity myself through thinking that “I am so lonely” within all of this experiences and thus I have allowed myself to go into too-much-ness because of the accumulated experiences that I have of being lonely – not realizing that I am experiencing myself as lonely because I allow myself to participate within my mind pitying myself.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am wasting my time when I am writing self-forgiveness in a belief that I could use the time to study – not taking into consideration that it’s not the time that I put into studying that will determine my effectiveness because if I study without a clear mind I will never be able to study effectively so I now realize that to be able to study effectively I can’t go in with the starting-point of studying as much as possible since this is not going to change my result if I am just studying and trying to learn out of fear and thus I realize that it is sufficient for me to write self-forgiveness to be able to study effectively.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within an experience of discomfort and thus allowing myself to think and believe that something is wrong and that I want to get away from myself – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this does not define who I am or my actual reality but it’s a pure indication from my mind that I have been participating within thoughts/back-chat for way to long and thus I start to take self-responsibility through directing myself out of the mind and into reality.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to influence who I am and thus I haven’t taken self-responsibility in directing myself but instead allowed my mind to influence me. I now see and realize that every time I am not standing here stable I am actually participating and allowing my mind to influence who I am and thus I am not directing myself effectively.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist and participate within reactions of my mind in regards to my external environment/world through not standing stable in each and every moment but instead being directed by my reactions. I now see and realize that my reactions are not real and thus I will not accept and allow myself to continue being controlled or directed by my reactions – instead I start to take self-responsibility for what I experience and see it as an indication from my mind that I am not standing clear within myself and that I thus have to direct myself through writing.

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak out of reaction and thus not directing myself.

2012: Hiding Behind Something Else

“It’s just too much – I can’t do this anymore.” This is how my thoughts have been like for the last couple of days - wherein I only see what I “have to do” and I am being way too hard on myself through not allowing myself to slow down and for example just take care of myself and let go of everything else for a moment. Instead I think/believe that I don’t have time for that – that I have to do school-work and such. And if I am to take time for myself and just do something that I enjoy I am still participating in school/things that needs to be done within my mind – in where I judge myself for not doing what has to be done. I can’t seem to relax before I have completed all the tasks. The thing is that it NEVER ENDS! I just came home from a very long day of school and the apartment was a real mess. Instead of breathing and allowing myself to just sit down for a moment I instead allow this too-much-ness to take over me in where I just want to lay down and cry. I just can’t see the point of continuing this in were I always have this assignments and “too-do-lists” to complete. It never ends; it is always new things coming up that I have to deal with. I never have time to just do what I enjoy because my mind is constantly reminding me of the fact that I have “more important things to do”. Why am I just constantly thinking about/being anxious about school?

Self-Forgiveness;

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to take over me completely in where I believe in thoughts such as “It’s just too much – I can’t do this anymore” – Instead of actually standing up for myself and realize that just because I think that “I can’t do this anymore” doesn’t mean that it’s true, it only means that I have to work through such thoughts with self-forgiveness and self-corrective applications in where I stop such thoughts and instead learn how to direct myself. I see, realize and understand that this is just an indication from my mind that I have to work with this point in where I think that “I can’t do this anymore” – so Instead of continuing believing in such thoughts I instead start to take self-responsibility through stop participating within the thoughts that comes up.

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take everything so seriously and thereby I have limited myself and my self-expression completely through thinking and believing that the world will come to an end if I don’t get the best grade and if I don’t live in the cleanest apartment – I now see, realize and understand that I can’t continue living like this, that I have to learn to accept myself unconditionally – Because I am not defined by my school-grades and my environment. I am here unconditionally and I will not accept and allow myself to continue limiting myself and my self-expression to only what I “complete”.

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to care for myself unconditionally – but instead I haven’t seen it as if I deserve to “take care of myself”/”enjoy life” if I haven’t completed the “tasks” that I have set up for myself in my mind – I now see, realize and understand that I can’t continue living like this because then I will never be able to care for myself/enjoy myself but I will instead always just come up with more things that “needs to be done”/prioritized. I now realize that I don’t want to live a life in where I get completely directed by what I think and believe in my mind as to what I “have to do”. Caring for myself/enjoying myself is equally “important” as school-work/tasks.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can’t relax if I haven’t completed all my tasks and because of this I constantly participate in what “needs to be done” within my mind, never allowing myself to enjoy what I am doing here in each and every breath – but instead rushing through things just to get them done, completely forgetting who I am within what I am doing and only focusing on getting the things done. I now see, realize and understand the separation and dishonesty in accepting and allowing myself to constantly and continuously participating within my mind as thoughts about what I have to do because every time I am participating in anxiety/thoughts of what I have to do I am actually not here at all but instead in my mind always doing tasks. I see and realize that this is actually not effective at all, that I am actually self-sabotaging when I am participating within thoughts such as “I have to do this and that..”

• I forgive myself  that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage for myself through constantly think about all the things that I have to do and because of this completely forget what is here and instead always living in the future, thinking about all the things I have to do. I now see and realize that I will not get anything done through thinking about it but instead I from now on take on one point at the time. I realize that my life is not a task – that the only person responsible for how my life is right now is me because I have made my life into a task in where I see everything as a task so therefor I now start to take self-responsibility and realize that I can direct my life and make it into what I want it to be - as what is best for me.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that being effective is the same as being “good” and thus I have defined myself as “not good enough” if I’m not living up to the standard that I have on effective, which I now see is completely ridiculous since I’m not “satisfied” even though I get the best grade and thus I see myself as not “good”. I now see and realize that as long as I am striving for getting the best grade and trying to live up to my standard of what effective is I will never become satisfied – thus I realize that trying to live up to my standard is not the way to go and that I instead have to change my definition on what being effective means.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as “not good enough” if I am not doing what I perceive as what needs to be done and through this I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to a belief that I have created in my mind were I think and believe that I am apparently “not good enough” if I don’t complete the tasks that I have created for myself such as getting the best grade and having a clean apartment. I now see, realize and understand that I am in fact not defined by what I do/not do but that this is actually just my belief-system that I have created about myself and that I am actually enslaving myself every time I allow myself to participate in this belief-system. So I instead start to take self-responsibility through stopping myself when I see that thoughts such as “I am not good enough if I don’t do this and that” come up and instead I breathe and realize that my belief is not the truth/does not define me.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within stress when I see that the apartment is a mess and thus I –instead of directing myself - give in to the mind and allow the stress and “too-much-ness” to take over completely. I now see, realize and understand that I can remain stable however my environment looks and instead of participating within stress and too-much-ness I direct myself through the breath.

 

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to actually investigate why I am constantly thinking about school, but instead I believed and perceived that it was just due to the fact that I have school-work do deal with. I now see, realize and understand that I was in fact trying to get away/suppress other experiences that I have towards food and cleanliness through instead of dealing with those points allowed my stress for school to take over me completely. I realize that when I have such experiences I need to look at what it is within my world that I haven’t yet wanted to admit to myself and instead of seeing the points I allow my stress for something else to take over me completely.

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to suppress my experiences towards food and cleanliness and instead focus on school to the extent that I couldn’t see the common sense in what I was doing. I now see, realize and understand that when I allow stress and anxiety to take over me, to the extent that it has done now – I have to look at my whole reality so that I make sure that I don’t allow myself to try to suppress another point through instead focusing all my attention on school.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to self-sabotage through not allowing myself to deal with the points that I’m facing in regards to food and cleanliness – but instead focused all my attention on school and in that I allowed myself to think and believe that I just had to study harder to be able to let go of the stress/irritation that I was experiencing. I now see, realize and understand that I was actually just trying to hide behind school-work so that I wouldn’t have to face what I experienced in relation to food/cleanliness. I realize that when I allow myself to suppress/not see my whole world and reality as what I experience I am actually sabotaging for myself and that when I don’t allow myself to get all the nutrition that I require I am allowing even more sabotage against myself because without the proper nutrition I won’t be able to study effectively and everything else will become harder/I will experience more irritation/stress. So I now see and realize that every time I am not giving myself what my body requires I am already there sabotaging my chances of “managing” school and that I am just making everything harder for myself – and through this I now realize that I am actually responsible for how I experience myself and thus I have to always check where I stand in relation to self-abuse/self-sabotage so that I don’t forget/suppress me.

                            

2012: Fuck, I did it again

In this moment, when I am typing this – I am experiencing a large amount of anxiety.

I will start at the beginning.

I often have thoughts such as “I don’t want to do this anymore”, “I can’t handle this, I just want to get away”, “I just want to give up” and “what’s the use..”. This is thoughts that I’ve been battling with for almost all my life, whenever things start to get tough I experience too-much-ness, uselessness and overwhelmingness. It’s an experience of “everything is a task”.  Lately when these thoughts have come up I have suppressed them – in a belief that I don’t have the time or energy to work it through. “I have better/more important things to prioritize”. Well. It always ends the same – me getting a severe panic/anxiety-attack in where all the thoughts have accumulated and I just want to give it all up and “go back to my old life”.

It’s almost like some form of withdrawal-symptom – where I experience it as if I can’t handle taking care of myself and my physical body (a feeling of I don’t deserve to take care of my physical body when I feel like shit inside) – I instead want to go back to a life in self-abuse – just because that feels more familiar and “safe” then what it feels to actually care for myself. I’ve almost always used self-abuse as a way to handle my emotions and now I actually have to take self-responsibility and work through my thoughts of wanting to hurt myself. This is quite a big point to take on and therefor I rather suppress it when I experience it as if I have more important things to go through such as school-work, cleaning, taking care of others etc. I’ve never considered myself as a priority – I am simply just a too big fuck-up. Where should I start?

Self-Forgiveness;

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to embrace my anxiety just because I have experienced it as a familiar and safe feeling, because that is what I have usually experienced in all my life. I now see and realize that I am not anxiety and anxiety is not who I am – I’ve just interpreted it as a safe feeling because I see anxiety as something that I deserve.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I deserve to experience anxiety.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that “I don’t want to do this anymore” in where I believe that I can’t handle living a life in where I actually care for myself – but instead I victimize myself and see myself as inferior and weak wherein I create a vicious circle in where I give all my power away to thoughts such as “I don’t want to do this anymore” through actually believing that those thoughts are real when in fact they are only a creation of my mind.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that “I want to just give up” and through participating within such thoughts I’ve even gone to the extent in which I think that I want to die/kill myself. I now see and realize that I actually do not want to die/kill myself – since this is just an indication that I want to get away from such thoughts and emotions which are self-destructive and thus I will not accept and allow myself to take such thoughts serious anymore and instead I see it for what it is, a creation of the mind where it all began in insecurity and lack of self-trust.  

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just wanting to cry and give up on myself instead of dealing with my emotions and thoughts such as “I just want to give up” – and instead of actually stopping such thoughts in where I breathe and take my power back to myself here in the physical – I have instead embraced such thoughts of “I want to give up” and believed that those thoughts are real as who I am. I now see and realize that I create emotions through participating within such thoughts and that I are the one who create the experience through taking such thoughts serious.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that “I just want to get away from this, I don’t want to do this anymore” – Instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I actually just want to get away from is what I experience in such moment – which is uselessness, too-much-ness and overwhelmingness. I realize that these thoughts are not indicating that I want to die/kill myself – but its mere my mind who is indicating/showing me that I have to work through emotions/feelings such as too-much-ness, uselessness and overwhelmingness – and thus I do not accept and allow myself to follow such thoughts but I instead breathe and see what the thoughts indicate – that I need to sort my self-abuse out and give myself back to me.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, every time I experience too-much-ness try to sort things out that is separate from me such as school-work/cleaning/take care of tasks – instead of sorting myself out and my experience of too-much-ness, in a belief that my experience indicate that I need to “sort things out” – without actually seeing and realizing that what I have to prioritize in such mind-possessions is myself and how I experience myself.  I now see and realize that I will never be able to sort things out effectively if my starting-point of completing a task is because I experience too-much-ness and that I need to “get it done”.

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take me into consideration when I am doing school-work/cleaning/completing tasks – but instead I prioritize to get things done, without any kind of consideration for how I experience myself in such tasks. I now see, realize and understand that I always come first and that it doesn’t matter if I get the best grade in everything as long as I experience shit while doing the tasks – that I have to start prioritizing myself and sort myself out before I am able to take on anything else and that what matters isn’t getting the best grade/getting attention from others – but it’s about who I am in what I am doing. I will not accept and allow myself to continue prioritizing everything else but me, but instead I sit down with myself and bring myself back to here through actually seeing myself and that I live for me – not for others to see that I am “disciplined and can get things done”.

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to deal with my anxiety in moments were I experience panic/anxiety-attacks – but instead I suppressed myself even more through thinking and believing that I am not able to stop myself and the panic/anxiety-attack. I now realize that what I do in such moment/experiences is that I victimize myself and make myself inferior to the panic/anxiety-attack through not allowing myself to stand up and stop such experiences through breathing and taking the power back to myself. I do not accept and allow myself to continue victimizing myself and making myself inferior to such experiences – but instead when such experiences comes up I will breathe and say stop. I do not allow thoughts such as “I am too weak to stop this” to have control over me – because I now see that I am always able to direct myself and my experience through breathing and stopping. I am the directive principle of me and I do not allow anxiety to have control over me anymore.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed anxiety to have complete control over me, my life and my reality and thus I’ve made myself inferior to my anxiety – not seeing and realizing that I have always had the opportunity to take the power back to myself but that I, trough not allowing myself to trust me I instead continued to feed the anxiety and allowed it to always control me. I now know and see that I am always responsible in what I experience and thus I am always able to direct me/my experience. I do not allow my lack of self-trust to be an excuse anymore – but instead I stand up and I breathe through experiences such as anxiety/panic and I will not stop until I have taken my power back to me. This is the only way that I can actually start to create self-trust – in consistently standing up for myself in moments of anxiety. I stop and I breathe.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others might think about me if I would tell them what I experience – and thus I’ve compromised myself through allowing fear of what others might think about me to control/direct me to such an extent that I haven’t even been able to ask M for help when I experience too-much-ness/anxiety/panic  but instead I have tried to hide and shut him out - just because I have a belief that if I would to share what I actually experience/ask for help, then he would see me as weak/as a failure. I now see and realize that the only one who is judging me as weak and as a failure, when I experience too-much-ness/anxiety/panic, is me and thus I am the only one who can stop such judgment as well. I will not accept and allow my fear of what others might think about me to control/direct me anymore – but instead I take self-responsibility and push through such fears to actually stand up for me and express me through asking for help/assistance/support.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get stressed and experience a worthlessness when I write self-forgiveness instead of studying – in a belief that studying is more important than me and thus I compromise and neglect me just so that I can get a great grade. I now see and realize that I have placed my self-worth in my grades and thus if I do not get the best grade I believe that I am not worthy/good. I now see and realize that I am not defined by my grade and that it doesn’t even have anything to do with getting the best grade, since I through experiences KNOW that even though I get the best grade I will always find something to judge myself for. Thus I have to stop believing that if I get the best grade from someone separate from me then I will experience self-worth. I now realize that the only way that I can “satisfy” myself is to actually stop defining myself and my self-worth according to others grade on me. I will not accept and allow myself to continue placing my self-worth in what school-grade I get – I now see and realize that I am not defined by that. I am worthy and whether I fail or get the best grade in school doesn’t change that/who I am.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect and compromise myself when I have thoughts such as “I just want to give up, I can’t handle this anymore” through accepting and allowing myself to believe that those thoughts are who I am – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that such thoughts are just a creation of my mind and they are only indicating that I still have points that I have to work on, thus my mind is actually assisting/supporting me in seeing what it is that I require to pay more attention to and I now see and realize that it doesn’t have anything to do with me being weak but these thoughts will continuously come up until I stop them and start to direct myself instead of allowing such thoughts to control me.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress myself as what I actually experience through thinking and believing that I have more important things to do then to sort myself and my experiences out – instead of realizing that every time I see other things separate from me as more important than sorting myself out, I am actually supressing/neglecting/compromising me and eventually I will have to go through experiences such as anxiety/panic-attacks in which they are mere an experience that comes up when I have suppressed myself instead of sorting myself out in every moment of breath. I now see and realize that I always come first and that nothing else will get done effectively if I do not stand stable in what I do. Thus I stop accepting and allowing myself to supress/neglect/compromise myself through not dealing with my experiences straight away but instead I stand up for me in every moment with self-responsibility.

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to gift me to myself through applying self-forgiveness in moments were I experience anxiety/panic-attacks but instead I complied to the feeling of “I-do-not-deserve-self-forgiveness” to have control over me. I now see and realize that I do always deserve to gift me to myself through applying self-forgiveness and that such feelings of not-worthy-of is just a creation of my mind and thus I can also stop it through just saying fuck off and voicing myself in the moment with self-forgiveness.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to comply to the feeling of anxiety/panic and thus I have allowed the experience of anxiety/panic to take control over me instead of me standing up for myself and bringing myself back here. I now see and realize that I am the only one who can stop my experience of anxiety/panic since I am the one who created such experiences to begin with. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to continue complying with the experience of anxiety/panic but instead I stop my own creation through applying self-honesty and self-forgiveness.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed and weak when I experience panic/anxiety-attacks and thus I haven’t allowed myself to ask for assistance/support and through this I have neglected and compromised myself just because of shame. I now see, realize and understand the dishonesty in accepting and allowing shame to control and direct me and thus I stop when I see such emotions/feelings/thoughts coming up and I support me through asking others for assistance/support. I see the common sense and I realize that if someone else would experience anxiety/panic-attacks I would not judge them as weak – thus I see the fuck-ness in not accepting and allowing myself to apply the same “rules” for me. I am one and equal no matter what I experience and I do not accept and allow myself to continue compromising/neglecting myself because I experience shame.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on me and thinking and believing that “I can’t handle this, I won’t be able to work this through” – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that such thoughts are only self-sabotaging and I am actually able to stop and stand up for me in such experiences. But because I believe in such thoughts/experiences I am actually sabotaging for myself instead of stopping and standing up and thus I do not accept and allow myself to believe in thoughts such as “I can’t handle this, I won’t be able to work this through” – but instead I realize that I am actually the one sabotaging/creating such experiences myself and that I’m thus also able to stop and stand up for myself in moments where I experience self-sabotaging thoughts. 

 Here is a video which is of great support;

Too-much-ness -- Others call it Overwhelmingness