Day 17. Sexy Death

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to my perception of my appearance and within this allowed myself to see it as if I am not good enough due to the fact that I judge my body as not good enough. I now see and realize that I am not defined by how my body looks so thus when and as I see that I am going into my mind judging myself according to my definition of how my body looks and thus seeing myself as not good enough – I stop and I breathe – I realize that how I look does not define who I am so thus I do not accept or allow myself to continue judging myself as not good enough just because I see that I do not look like the photoshopped pictures in the magazines.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my thighs as not good enough due to a belief  and idea about what size and shape they must have for me to be able to see them as good enough. I see and realize the absolute bullshit in accepting and allowing myself to judge myself according to my thighs in a belief that they do not have the right shape and size so thus I do not accept or allow myself to continue this constant and automated self-judgment. When and as I see that I am looking at my thighs and are about to start judging them according to their “flaws” within my mind – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am not defined by the shape and size that my thighs have so thus I do not accept or allow myself to continue judging my thighs as not good enough just due to the picture I see of the thighs within my mind. My thighs are here as unconditional support and I do not accept or allow myself to continue fucking with my body just because I do not approve of the picture presentation. 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my body in a belief and idea that my body is mere a picture in a picture reality and so I allowed myself to don’t give a fuck about my physical body but instead tried to shape and mold it through absolute self-abuse and never ever even considered the body as myself. I see and realize that I am nothing without my body and that my body has always been here as unconditional support even though I have never done anything to deserve it. I thank my body through and with the realization that I am equal to and one with my physical – I do not accept or allow myself to continue seeing my physical body as mere a picture in a picture reality but instead I see, realize and understand the amazing opportunity my physical have given me as life and I do not accept or allow any more abuse since I have seen and realized that my body won’t be able to take anymore mistreatment or cruelty.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to what size my body has, in a belief that the smaller the greater and within this not at all considered the physical body as to what is best for the physical body, but only taken the picture presentation into consideration. I see and realize that this is mere a belief and idea that I have placed value to and feeding through allowing myself to connect having control and self-discipline to being extremely skinny. I see, realize and understand the total fuckness and bullshit within accepting and allowing myself to believe in the idea and belief that control would have anything to do with not eating. I see and realize that when I didn’t eat at all I also didn’t have any control what so ever since I had given ALL my power away to my mind as my ego and thus I allowed my thoughts, emotions and feelings such as anxiety, fears, self-definitions and self-judgments to have the control and direction over me. I see and realize that every time I allow myself to think and believe that not eating is equivalent to having control I am manipulating myself through going into the mind, feeding a belief-system that is not based on reality. I do not accept or allow myself to continue getting manipulated by my ego and mind but instead I stand up in such moments when and as I see that thoughts/beliefs/ideas about what control is arises and I direct myself out of the mind with the realization that it is mere a manipulation-tactic and I will not accept or allow myself to continue falling for that bullshit – instead I breathe and I take myself back to reality through allowing myself to stop the manipulation and instead directing myself.

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse my body for shallow purposes such as wanting to look a certain way and within this allowed myself to constantly try to reach that experience of perfection – not realizing that the experience that I was searching for does not exist for real but that it is mere an experience within my mind as energy. I see and realize that wanting and desiring an energy of the mind will only sustain for so long and thus I do not accept or allow myself to continue abusing and using my body as a tool to get an energy of the mind – but instead I see and realize that the energy will only exist for so long and that every time I allow myself to try and become perfect as the picture I have of what perfection is within my mind – I am compromising and killing my physical body. I realize that the only perfection existing is that of not defining myself according to my physical appearance but instead live with and as the realization that I am life. I do not accept or allow myself to continue abusing and using life as a way to get to experience an energy but instead I stop myself and I breathe through such thoughts/desires/wants/needs and I realize that they are not real – that the only thing that is real is that of physical substance.

I commit myself to flag-point every self-judgment I have towards my physical appearance and every time such judgment comes up I stop myself with the realization that I am not defined by how I look and that my body won’t accept any more abuse.

I commit myself to realize that my physical body gave me a second chance even though I virtually killed it through only existing within and according to my mind as the voices in my head. And so I commit myself to take this second chance through actually allowing myself to live and give unconditional support to my physical body as it supported me. I give what I received and I received life. I realize that I own life my total appreciation so therefor I do not accept anything less than life hereafter.

I commit myself to choose life and I realize that choosing life means to not judge my physical body as separate from me but to instead live with gratitude and constant appreciation that my body never gave up on me even though I constantly abused it. I thank my physical body for the life and opportunity to life that it has given me.

I commit myself to stop using and abusing my body just because of desires/wants/needs of my mind as ego but instead I realize that the desires/wants/needs of having a perfect body as to what I would define as perfect is not real since it has no substance – I realize that the only thing that is real is the physical and thus I do not accept or allow myself to continue living as an illusion within my mind.

Day 16. We Need to Talk... Fuck..

Fear of communicating.

I’ve noticed that I constantly go into fear when someone asks me if we can talk.
“Can I have a word with you?” –Fear.   

“Malin, we need to talk….” –Panic.  

“We HAVE to talk” –Fuck, I must have done something very, very wrong..
I don’t really have a problem talking to people, I usually enjoy having conversations. But when I know that there is something that needs to be sorted out through communication I just rather postpone it or keep my experiences to myself. I fear that the conversation will lead to me saying something stupid or me having to hear something that I rather wouldn’t want to know.

Today I’ve been avoiding communicating with my partner about what I am experiencing due to fear of what it will lead to. There are things I just rather not talk about because I see it as if it only gets worse if I open it up through honest communication. I fear what it would lead to. I fear that someone will get hurt. I fear that the conversation will lead to even more confusion, misinterpretations and total fuckness. So I walk around pretending as if everything is fine. Except it’s not. And I need to talk about it. But I allow the fear to direct me.

Communication can lead to pretty much two things – either it leads to clarifications about different points and an understanding towards each other through getting a clearer view on what the other being is experiencing – or, it can lead to more confusion and misinterpretations if and when the communication isn’t specific and completely honest. It is difficult to communicate effectively if there are reaction, emotions and feelings involved since that will alter and influence what the being is saying.

I see that the fear I have towards communication isn’t very supportive or effective since it almost always leads to a build-up of thoughts and experiences and when I do not share what is going on it eventually leads to a total break-down. It’s like packing a suitcase with way to much stuff. Eventually it becomes impossible to close it and the zipper breaks. I can suppress and keep my experiences to myself for a while but after a certain point it will just boil over. So I have to become more effective in communicating openly whenever a point arises so that I do not have to go through the unnecessary consequences.

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Self-Forgiveness; 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear communication due to a belief that communication can lead to someone being hurt or something being misunderstood. I now see and realize that not communicating my experiences is what leads to misunderstandings since I am not being clear and direct about what is going on. When and as I allow myself to communicate with self-honesty there is nothing to be afraid of since fear only exists when I allow myself to be dishonest.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear communicating about what I am experiencing in a belief that I might hurt someone’s feelings and within this not realizing that I am suppressing and limiting myself just because I fear what others might experience. I see, realize and understand that I can’t take responsibility for other people’s reactions/feelings so thus I do not accept or allow myself to use and excuse not communicating with the fear of hurting other’s feelings.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear communication due to an idea and belief that communication is about winning/losing arguments and thus never allowed myself to just speak with and as self-direction with another being but instead think and believe that I am being attacked and need to attack back with words. I now see and realize that only the ego wants/needs to win arguments so thus I do not accept or allow myself to continue communicating through a starting-point of ego but instead I breathe through the experience of wanting to win and fearing to lose arguments and I realize that communication is here as self-support when and as I allow myself to speak me as what I am experiencing instead of speaking as and with the mind.

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect communication to fear itself and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep my experiences to myself in a belief that if I would to communicate about it, it would lead to either me saying something stupid or me having to hear something that I rather not want to know. I now see and realize that I am limiting and suppressing myself every time I do not allow myself to speak openly about my experiences but instead allow the fear of what it might lead to to direct and control me and I realize that when I do not speak about my experiences due to fear of what it might lead to I am only causing more harm and misunderstandings.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid communicating due to fear of what it might lead to – instead of seeing and realizing that what it might lead to is not here – so thus it is no meaning in projecting myself into the future thinking about the worst case scenario. I see and realize that I am sabotaging when and as I allow myself to avoid communication due to a fear of what it MIGHT lead to. Instead I make sure that the conversation leads to clarification, self-honest sharing and understanding.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into immediate  fear when someone asks me if we can talk due to the idea and belief that if someone wants to talk to me then that must mean that I have done something wrong. I see and realize that I am going into reaction and already before I have partaken in the conversation I have decided that it must be about me having done something wrong. I realize that there is no idea in presuming anything since that will only lead me to become unstable and not here.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear communicating due to an idea and belief that I will have to hear something that I do not want to hear and because of this tried to shield and guard my ego through not communicating at all. I now see and realize the total dishonesty and separation in allowing my fear of having to hear something that will create a reaction within me to direct and control me to the extent in where I avoid communicating so that I do not have to hear what my ego gets wounded by – instead of seeing and realizing that whatever reaction comes up in relation to a conversation is something that I had to hear, a point that I had to face.

 

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that communication will lead to me losing something that I had been taking for granted and because of this rather just stay away from communicating in a belief that then I don’t have to lose anything. I see and realize that I am losing myself and my self-direction when and as I allow the fear to direct and control me.

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate and fool myself through thinking and believing that things will get worse through honest communication and that communicating about certain experiences that I have will only lead to disputes and disagreements between me and my partner and because of this idea and belief I allowed myself to avoid communicating. I now see and realize that honest communication is necessary to be able to avoid misunderstandings, disputes and disagreements but that I created an idea and belief within my mind about communicating leading to the opposite just so that I could avoid communication and instead keep my experiences to myself in a fear of what it might lead to if I were to speak about what I am facing with my partner. I do not accept or allow myself to continue avoiding communication just due to an idea and belief that things will get worse if I share what I am experiencing with honesty – but instead I see and realize that things will most definitely become worse if I shut myself off from communicating.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend as if everything is fine just so that I can avoid communicating due to fear of sharing what is really going on as my internal experiences. I now see and realize that when I am not sharing what is going on within me but instead pretend as if everything is fine I am allowing myself to be directed by my fear and giving my power away to my fear. I see and realize that the common fear when it comes to fear of communicating is actually only fear of myself as to what I will be experiencing when and as I am communicating with another person. I see, realize and understand that fear is useless, ineffective and irrelevant – fear does not protect or help me in any kind of way.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the fear of communicating and within this creating a personality that fears communication. I see and realize that fear does not serve any purpose and that it merely keeps me enslaved and limited. I do not accept or allow myself to continue being a slave to my fear of communicating but instead I commit myself to stand up within and as the fear and walk through it with and as breath.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the fear of communicating seriously, as if it was for real. I now see and realize the stupidity in accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that the fear is real.

-When and as someone asks me if we can talk and I see that I am going into fear – I stop and I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to go into fear just because someone wants to exchange words with me – but instead I see and realize that as long as I remain here with and as breath, stable and clear, then communication is just about exchanging words and clarifications and thus no fear or anxiety exists. I see communication for what it is – exchanged words that will lead to a broader perspective, clarifications and understanding. I stop making it complicated through going into my mind fearing that I have done something wrong and instead I breathe through such experiences with the realization that I am here.

-When and as I see that I am going into fear of communicating openly due to an idea and belief that I will say something stupid or someone will say something that I rather not hear – I stop and I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to continue limiting and postponing communication just because of fear of what it might lead to – but instead I see and realize that when I postpone and limit my communication it is most definitely going to lead to more confusion, misunderstandings and misinterpretations so thus I realize that it is just delusionary to think and believe that not talking will lead to less fuckness than what talking/communicating leads to.    

-When and as I see that I go into fear of communicating due to an idea and belief that that must mean that I have done something wrong – I stop and I breathe – I realize that there is no idea presuming anything since that won’t lead me nowhere except into the mind. I do not accept or allow myself to continue going into automatic reaction when someone asks me if we can talk but instead I realize that whatever the talk is about does not change who I am – I remain here, stable, with breath.

-When and as I see that I am avoiding communication/communicating due to an idea and belief that I will have to hear something that I do not want to hear – I stop and I breathe – I realize that whatever reaction comes up during a conversation is something that I had to hear, so that I could clear that reaction with and through self-forgiveness and self-correction. I do not accept or allow myself to continue guarding and protecting my ego from hearing what hurts it but instead I face the points that comes up and creates reactions with the realization that it was mere a point that I HAD to hear to be able to face my fears and continue walking my process.

-When and as I see that fear of loss is limiting my communication – I stop and I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to continue being limited and directed by fear of loss and thus avoiding communicating due to that fear. Instead I see and realize that I do not own anything, the only thing that might happen is that my environment as what I have taken for granted might change and then that is a point that I will face and walk through. I realize that I am taking it to an extreme and that I am not seeing it clear when and as I allow fear to direct me so thus I stop the fear and I walk the practical steps that needs to be walked with the realization that I remain here, no matter what/how my environment looks.

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Re-Defining the Word Communicating;

-Exchanging words between each other for clarification, understanding, and broader perspectives.

-Expanding each other’s views through sharing realizations, perspectives and insights.

-Sharing inner experiences with physical words so that other beings can get perspective on what is going on internally. 

-Self-honest sharing.

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Day 15. Let Me Go

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I just want to give up on everything and leave because this process is apparently too hard to walk.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it’s too late to fix what I have created so thus it is no idea even trying.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I just want to leave and run away from where I am – instead of seeing and realizing that it is impossible to run away from myself.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I just can’t breathe in this situation and that I have to get out and away from everything. I see and realize the manipulation and dishonesty within this and I realize that this is mere an ego-point in where my ego wants to be set free and do its own thing. Lol

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anger and blame towards myself and my partner for how my life has turned out and within this not taken full responsibility for what I have allowed within myself but instead tried to project it onto my partner and because of that went into anger and blame towards myself. I see and realize the total dishonesty in accepting and allowing myself to blame or be angry at someone else for what I experience within myself so thus when and as I see that I am going into anger and blame towards my partner for what I have created – I stop and I breathe – I realize that the only one responsible for what I experience is me so thus I do not accept or allow myself to project my anger and blame onto someone else but instead I see that when and as I think and believe that I can project my shit onto someone else I am only making it harder for myself since I am not solving the problem.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I do not want to fix what I have created but instead I just want to take the easy way out through being dishonest. I now see and realize that I have always done this – when it gets hard and I go on a bumpy road I just give up on everything including myself in a belief that I am not strong enough to work through it - that I have never allowed myself to actually stop myself from giving up and that each time I give up I am in fact just giving up on myself in a belief that I am incapable of working through situations. I do not accept or allow myself to continue following the idea and belief that I do not want to fix what I have created but rather just give up – instead I stop and I breathe, I realize that I can direct myself so thus it is not valid to think and believe that I am incapable of handling situations that comes up.

 

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I just want to get away from myself in a belief that what I am experiencing is just too much and I can’t handle walking through it. I now see and realize the manipulation and self-sabotage within thinking and believing that I just want to get away from myself in a belief that that will solve anything.

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I want to leave – in a belief that that will solve anything. I now see and realize that leaving won’t solve the real problem which is how I experience myself so thus I do not accept or allow myself to continue thinking and believing that leaving is the solution to any of my problems but instead I see and realize the manipulation and dishonesty in thinking and believing that leaving will change anything. I see and realize that the only way I can change how I experience myself is through taking responsibility for it and I realize that I can’t run away from my inner experience – my environment doesn’t change who I have allowed myself to be and become within.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed and hate myself for what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and within this not recognizing the pattern of self-sabotage. I now see and realize that it is no meaning in hating or being ashamed since that experience will only make me more passive and that it will only prolong my process. I realize that I have to stand up and stop this experience of shame and self-hate and instead take responsibility and keep walking with the knowledge and realization that I remain steadfast no matter what I have to walk through.

 

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust me – but instead believe and think that I can’t direct myself. I now see and realize that this is self-manipulation in where I just want to give in to the ego of the mind and satisfy my ego.