Friday, January 25, 2013

Goals of Self-Destruction Fulfilled My Life - Day 287

For further context and understanding in relation 
to what I am busy walking I suggest that you read:

Point 3
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for and perceive myself to attain an experience of ‘having a meaning/purpose with life’ through and when participating within Anorexia and OCD due to the external goals, patterns and habits that comes along where I would attain the experience of ‘achieving something great’ whenever I managed to push myself to obtain the goals/targets/sub-targets that I had set up for myself – in where I accepted and allowed myself to delude myself into thinking and believing that I had finally found My purpose and the one thing that ‘made me feel good about myself’ due to the internal experiences that aroused, as the energetic experience of ‘feeling good about myself’ when reaching the different goals – not seeing or realizing that the internal experience of ‘feeling good about myself’ were a polarity-based Energy, that the experience of ‘accomplishment’ is the positive side of the polarity – and, energies can Only last for so long – thus, when the positive feeling runs out I’ll continue setting up new goals of self-destruction due to falling into the opposite side of the polarity as the negatively charged experience of disappointment and dissatisfaction - this is thus a never-ending polarity-game, and chasing after the positive polarity is not a solution to the negatively charged energetic experience of ‘not having a meaning’ that arises when and as I do not accept or allow myself to participate within the different aspects of Anorexia and OCD, because as long as there are two different experiences consisting of ‘positivity’ and ‘negativity’ of which I allow myself to participate within, I am creating a repeated loop where I will Never be able to Stand here in actual self-acceptance and living Purpose – but am merely jumping from the negative experience to the positive. Thus I realize that all that can and is constant is stability here as breath, that which is not based on either positivity or negativity – and only in that can self-acceptance be lived. 

  • I see, realize and understand that when the experience of ‘feeling good about myself’ arises as an energetic experience that got triggered due to an external point, it is not actually Me, accepting myself – but it reveals that I have allowed my internal perception of myself become dependent on external factors – which enslaves and controls me until I take the Decision to walk self-acceptance from within to the without as a Living decision for and as Me – and I realize that self-acceptance is Here within me, I cannot find it outside of myself through changing my external as for instance my appearance or how I compulsively and obsessively arrange my external environment – no, this is merely distractions and diversions from what really requires my attention – as my Internal process of learning to live in self-acceptance as a part of me.  
  • When and as I see that I am searching and looking for ‘goals’/targets outside of myself in relation to trying to attain the positively charged energetic experience of ‘accomplishing something externally’ due to the negatively charged energy of ‘not feeling good about myself’ internally, as the trigger-point for the search outside of myself – I stop and I breathe – Within this I see and realize that solving my internal experience of ‘not feeling good about myself’ through trying to find something outside of myself that I can use as a point of ‘compensation’ will not lead to any actual real self-acceptance, but will merely turn into a time-loop where I will eventually fall back into the habits and patterns of self-destruction, thus I realize that whether it being trying/attempting to get the ‘highest grades’ or ‘using physical exercise with the starting-point of wanting my body to fit my imagination of how I think and believe that I must look to look good’ – it is both points and patterns that are self-destructive when the starting-point is the experience of ‘not feeling good about myself’ – and therefor I commit myself to, in every decision I make in relation to what I am doing and participating within externally, assess and make sure that I do it within and as a self-movement and self-direction - not from the starting-point of wanting to compensate for an internal experience of ‘lack’ or ‘not feeling good about myself’, because those internal experiences will continuously emerge until I sort it out through Self-direction.

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