2011: Listening

Understand how much you accept and allow your childhood to still impact and influence you now. I have realized that the points that I had to face as a child are still influencing me - still today. 

As a child I had a big problem with the experience that nobody was listening to me when I was trying to express myself and asking questions - and if someone would seem to listen they would have forgotten what I had said the next day or so.

I got a lot of justification to why this person “couldn’t” remember what I had said, always coming with explanations to why it was impossible to remember what I had tried to explain or expressed.  

This is something that I have carried with me into my adult life, getting really emotional when I perceive it as if someone doesn’t listen to me when I talk.

I allow myself to get really scared and anxious when I have to speak in front of a lot of people – mostly because I’m afraid that no one is going to listen or even care about what I have to say.

In this scenario it’s very easy to take for granted, even before you start to speak, that no one is going to listen or care about what you have to say according to your past experiences.

So, I realize that what I have done is that I have accepted this “fearing that others 

won’t listen/care about what I have to say” as a part of my “personality”.

Interestingly enough - This is how psychology-books explain what a personality is:

“People’s personality is a result of the genetics in combination with our experiences”

-So, all of our memories will become parts of our personality?

Through this information you learn that it’s okay to define yourself according to your past experiences and memories, that you get “shaped” by what you have been through.

With this knowledge I have accepted myself to continue this behavior, allowing myself to take it personally if someone is distracted when communicating with me and don’t seem to listen. Thereby I blame myself for not being “interestingly enough” and going into my mind – thinking that I’m really boring.

I find myself overanalyzing a lot of what I have said, thinking; “why did I say that?” instead of being in the present and stop defining myself according to what I have said/done.

What I’ve also realized is that a big part of why I find it so important that others will listen to me and find what I communicate about worth listening to – Is because I’m never really listening to myself or finding myself as interesting.

I’ve always been looking for attention from other people instead of giving myself attention.

Is a "personality" really for real then – or is it just a limitation? 

I think our made-up-personality is only designed for us to be able to separate ourselves from others, thinking and perceiving that we, obviously, aren’t one and equal – that our personality will decide if we become “more then” or “better then” others.

From an early age we learn that you get high status if you have a “good personality”. But who decides what a "good personality" is then?  

We need to stop defining ourselves according to our past experiences and instead realize that we don’t need to limit ourselves and our self-expression as we now allow ourselves to do, by thinking and believing that we are limited because of earlier experiences where we “learnt” that there are some frames we need to adjust to.

Saying “it’s just a part of my personality” is only a justification for us to still hold onto a part of us that is actually not supporting us, or anyone else, at all.

2011: Excuses

I've noticed that a lot of people, including me, use excuses in all kinds of scenarios.

Especially when they are arguing with another being.

We excuse ourselves when it's not even necessary - when what is really

necessary is for us to change,

To stop using excuses and instead start to stand up and 

change ourselves and our behavior.

What is fascinating is that we excuse what we do,

without even considering to change until the next time,

we make the same mistakes over and over again - and justify it with an excuse.

Everybody needs to stop for a second and see -

What do I accept within me, my behavior and my world that I excuse and thereby justify instead of changing the foundation of it?

Realize that what you do and say towards others can get imprinted inside them and influence them in their future. We need to start to take self-responsibility for what we say and how we act and thereby take into consideration how others will register it. Because otherwise we will just continue with the self-deception and blame others for

"not accepting who I am and how I express myself"

One single meaning can impact another human being to such an extent that they will live according to what you have imprinted in their mind.

You might excuse what you say and how you act towards others with

- "I can't take responsibility for how they will perceive what I say"

I am definitely not saying that we are able to completely know how others will perceive what we say; I'm only telling you that we need to start to use common sense when we are interacting with others.

We need to start acting towards others as we would like others to behave towards us.

This is something we all can get better at; I am working on this as well.

It's easy to get frustrated at another being instead of looking inside you and see

Why you got frustrated to begin with?

When I allow myself to get frustrated it's always because the other being is showing me something that I haven't looked at within myself and thereby something which I haven't accepted within myself, for example:

- If you get upset, angry and frustrated at another being because they didn't look at you when you were talking to them, and you perceive this as if he/she isn't listening to what you were saying. -You need to look at how you act towards others when they are speaking to you, do you allow yourself to go into your mind and instead of listening to what he/she is saying, you are looking somewhere else without understanding that this person might be talking about something that is substantial to them?

What is important is to be aware of the polarity within this.

Make sure you don't become obsessed by the fact that you don't want others to "misunderstand" you and your expression and through this compromise yourself by going into your mind and over-analyze everything and through that going into fear of saying something wrong or doing something that others might misunderstand.

I've realized how easy it is to, instead of working with a point and transcending it - to do the opposite and go into polarity, thinking that the problem is solved.

So, what is necessary to be done is to always look into the opposite, the polarity, of a point and make sure that you not only work with the point you are facing but also the opposite point of the problem.

2011: Comparisons

I've come to realization about something that is influencing me constantly and continuously throughout my everyday life.

That would be the comparisons that I make when I look at other people and then myself.

This is a point that can take over completely without you even knowing it.

And although I am aware of it I still allow myself to continue the comparisons.

I compere myself to others in pretty much all aspects.

Every time I see somebody that I would describe as "pretty" or "good-looking" or "thin" and so on - I would then look at myself and allow myself to go into back-chat and compere myself to this beings appearance and I will see myself as "less then" and "not good enough", judging myself as ugly, fat and so on, it gets to the point when I actually have gotten obsessed about this, even so much that I consciously have been walking around and looking at peoples appearances - just seeing this pretty picture-presentation in everybody - and judging that as something that obviously would make them more then, unequal to those who aren't seen as "pretty".

This is an example of me not "knowing" who I am in this world, just trying to fit in - through compering myself to others, wanting to look like them, dress like them, have the same physical body as them. Not allowing myself to experience confidence in myself, as who I am - one and equal to everyone. Only seeing myself through other peoples eyes, living according to what others might think about me.

I compere myself to others in what I write, even compere my self-forgiveness to others. Seeing my "expressions" as less than, not as good and effective as others. I see what other people write, how they express themselves, how they walk and talk, how much others are able to study, how many subjects, how much do they learn and why can't I seem to make such a good effort myself? Why isn't trying my best good enough? Cause I want to make everything perfect, and the funny thing is that I can't even tell you what perfect is, Sometimes it's almost as if perfect (to me) is everything that I'm not - This is the greatest self-sabotage you can imagine.

Why do I support this within myself?

What I realized is that if I judge myself in this kind of way, I also allow the judgment I have towards others to exist at the same time.

I would describe this as a bad circle. Cause as long as we allow this self-judgement - we, at the same time, allow the judgment we have towards others.

It doesn't really matter if you judge someone as "something good" -for example if you judge someone as "good-looking" or "good at writing/expressing themselves" -It is still a judgement and you allow the polarity to exist within you.

We see ourselves as the starting-point and from that we compere our surrounding.

Meaning - We have a perception about who we are in this world and from that we see ourselves as the "normality" and we judge others to what we perceive is the "normality"

I have come to realize that as long as I allow this comparisons and judgement to be a part of me - I, at the same time support the morality in this world that is all about appearance, the media who tells you how you should look and how you should be, what a woman is suppose to be in this world and how a man is suppose to act. 

I will not accept and allow myself to continue to support this cause I know what kind of hell it is to live in a world where the only thing that matters is your appearance and nothing else. We have to stop this comparisons and judgement and instead start to live for what is best for all, we have to realize that we are in fact one and equal - no matter how we express ourselves and no matter how our physical body looks like.