Anorexia - When starvation becomes an achievement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of, define and see ’not eating’ and restrictive eating as ‘an achievement’ and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe, as well as define, eating and the act of eating as ’a failure’ - wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and perpetuate a polarity-construct in relation to the act of eating and not eating - where, instead of simply seeing it as an act of self-care and as a crucial life-sustaining action, as an essential part of maintaining alive as well as making sure that all the functions of the living body is sustained and supported, I would complicate the act of eating through involving the mind – making eating, and not eating into actions that I, within my mind, allowed to become points which would represent and define whether or not I am achieving/an achievement or failing/a failure.

In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally trust and support the idea and belief of myself as being a failure when I eat and when I take care of my human physical body through making sure that all my physical needs are met, in this just blindly and automatically trust the experience of having failed, of doing something wrong, of being undisciplined, when and as I eat and thus support the sustainment of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the thought and furthermore the experience of ‘having achieved something great’ that emerges in situations/moments wherein I perceive it as though I have ‘managed’ to restrict my food-intake to be less than what I would actually require in terms of supporting all the functions/parts/aspects of my physical body during a day – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to empower and feed such thought and experience through just automatically and blindly trust it to be a representation of reality, as though it is true, that I apparently have achieved something through ignoring and neglecting what my physical body requires – instead of, within such moments, slow myself down and question if this experience, if this though, really is trustworthy.
And within this I realize that this thought and this experience of ‘having achieved’, of ‘being an achievement’, is actually not in fact real in any way what so ever – that it is not to be trusted, that it has never in fact ever represented reality.
Therefor I commit myself to, in such moments where I see myself going into thoughts and experiences of ‘having achieved’ when perceiving it as though I have ‘managed to restrict my food-intake’ – to stop, breathe and take a step back – meaning; having a look at the thought, having a look at the experience – and to start questioning such thoughts and/or experiences that comes up within the mind – and so, through slowing myself down within such moments, giving myself the opportunity to really look at what comes up and instead of just blindly and automatically trust what comes up within the mind – I start questioning it from the perspective of asking myself ‘is this really a representation of reality?´- and so, through this, I realize that the experiences and thoughts that I have linked to the act of eating, and to the act of not eating/restricting my food-intake, does not support me as life in any way what so ever. And I realize that this is not the type of relationship I want for myself, to myself – that I can decide, in such moments, to stop, breathe, take charge, and change. And therefor I commit myself to practice this point of slowing myself down, of questioning what emerges, in moments where I see that I perceive myself to having ‘achieved’ through not eating/restricting my food-intake – to question if this act really is what it means to ‘achieve’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to unquestionably trust the thought and thus the experience of myself as ‘being a failure’ when and as I perceive it as though my food-intake during a day/during a meal meets the amount of energy that my physical body requires or in situations where I perceive my food-intake to be more than ‘what I had planned it to be’ and/or ‘more than what I perceive to contain “an acceptable amount of energy” – and in this just blindly following the thoughts that emerges in where I connect and link my food-intake, which I perceive to be ‘too much’ to ‘me, being a failure/having failed’ – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that eating and the amount of energy that I consume through the food that I eat has nothing to do with being a failure and/or achieving.
Within this I commit myself to, within moments where I see myself going into thoughts and/or experiences of ‘being a failure’/’having failed’, slow myself down, stop and breathe – where I take a step back and start questioning such thoughts and/or experiences instead of just blindly, automatically and unconditionally support and trust these experiences and/or thoughts. And within this I commit myself to see and realize that I can actually decide for myself who I am within a moment, that I can decide whether or not I am going to participate within the thoughts and the experiences – and so within that I see, realize and understand that I am the one deciding, that I am the one who has the power to create, and recreate my life and my relationship to myself and to food. And so I commit myself to take this power back to me, to stop giving my mind the power to decide over me, over my relationship to food and to myself – but to instead make sure that I take responsibility for what I decide to participate within in these moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am failing at being disciplined when and as I allow myself to eat, and I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define eating as being undisciplined, and not eating as being disciplined – in that not even for a second question this belief, these definitions that I have created – but would rather just take it, as ultimate truths, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that being self-disciplined has nothing to do with physical harm, has nothing to do with ‘being able to resist physical signals’.
In this I see, realize and understand that real, actual self-discipline is to move oneself, rather than letting the mind move, dictate, guide and lead. And so I see, realize and understand that I have been looking and searching for an experience of ‘being disciplined’ – and letting the mind guide me, trusting the mind to tell me what I require to do to be able to attain this experience of ‘achieving’ and ‘being disciplined’ – and in this I furthermore see how this has in fact lead me nowhere, that I am merely constantly chasing after an experience which isn’t even real, as is shown when looking at these short moments wherein I will attain the experience of ‘being disciplined’/’achieving’ – since these moments/situations merely lasts for a second – and then I will have to go and do the same process of not eating/restricting myself from eating over and over again to be able to attain such experiences once again. And in this I see and realize how this is indicating, and showing me, that the experiences are in fact not real – that they are dependent on me, repeating a specific behavior over and over again, and that this behavior leads me nowhere except to the end of physical life. And in this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to question where the behaviors and acts that I participate within to achieve the short moments of experiencing myself as not being a failure/achieving leads me, but would rather in despair and desperation just blindly and unconditionally allow the mind to tell me what I require to do to be able to feel disciplined, to feel good, to feel like I’m achieving and not failing.

In this I see, realize and understand that I require to start questioning where the habits and behaviors that I am participating in habitually leads me,  because I realize how this act of ‘not eating’ or restricting my food-intake is clearly not the way to go about if I want to attain real achievement/real self-discipline. And so I see, realize and understand that to be able to live real self-discipline I require to lead myself, to lead myself out of the mind and thus move myself, to take control and stop myself from just blindly and automatically following what I believe, within the mind, to be what ‘needs to be done’ for me to be able to avoid the experience of being a failure. And within this realize how what the mind tells me to do has lead me nowhere, that it has never in fact helped me in creating a real, sustainable, everlasting self-acceptance of who I am – that as long as I follow what I, within the mind, believe to be ‘the solution’ I am perpetuating the polarity-construct where I go from feeling like a failure to feeling like I am achieving, over and over and over and over again – that it will never end until I stand up and end it, that I will merely jump from a positive to a negative experience, and that the negative experience of ‘being a failure’ will never in fact ‘disappear’ through me, letting the fear of such experience guide and lead me in my actions, in what I decide to do.
And thus I realize that to in fact be able to ‘get away from’/release myself from this experience of being a failure – I require to face it, to stop the constant attempt of running away from it/suppressing it through acting according to it – that I require to make a change and try something else – because I realize that what I have done, what I have tried thus far, will not ever lead me anywhere else than where I am right now. And this is not what I want for myself, this is not the life that I want to live, this is not something I can stand for – and so, why not give myself the opportunity of giving myself the life that I really would want for myself, why not give myself the chance of experiencing something else, of exploring what it really would be like to live a life in where I move myself, where I decide what to participate in and what not, where I actually live self-discipline through not letting an experience within the mind bully me, to not let an experience within the mind lead me to slowly killing myself.