How to Find Motivation When You'd Rather Give up - Day 397

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become completely dependent on perceiving it as though it is possible for me to attain the highest grade as an end-result of my participation within a specific subject for me to be able to motivate myself into studying - in the sense of seeing studying as something that is worthwhile and enjoyable – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become unmotivated and resisting studying after having messed up an exam, wherein I all of a sudden would feel as though there is no use because I have already missed my chance of attaining an A as my final grade – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think “what’s the use” – where I would allow myself to physically and practically become that statement, where I find myself unable to motivate and move myself to study, which I see and realize is a result and indication of having formed a starting-point for studying which was never completely based on a self-movement but rather on having formed the idea of it being possible for me to attain the highest grade.

• Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as though I just want to give up, where I see and realize that my motivation for studying is merely based on the perception I have formed of it being possible for me to attain an A in my final grade, wherein that dependency would result in an experience of being unmotivated when and as I saw myself losing that prospect.

• And so I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed everything that I do, and my motivation for actually moving and pushing myself within what I decide to do, to be dependent on and determined by the perception I form of what I am able to attain through my participation – wherein I realize that I will actually merely feel motivated to participate when I have formed the perception of it being possible for me to attain a great result, and so whenever I perceive it as impossible for me to attain a great result I don’t see any purpose to participate – and I realize that this applies to pretty much everything within my reality, where my interpretation of the possible outcome will determine how motivated I feel to participate.

• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live self-movement within what I do and decide to participate within, but have instead accepted and allowed my perception of the possible outcome to determine how motivated I feel – not seeing or realizing how this is extremely self-limiting, as I become dependent on attaining an experience and belief in regards to seeing an opportunity of possibly attaining an experience of ‘being great’ within what I am doing or going to do for me to actually move myself and enjoy what I do – and so letting my starting-point be permeated with the interpretation I have formed of the possible outcome, and so already before starting something will assess what the outcome may/might be – projecting myself into the future and so preventing myself from moving myself, moment by moment, in self-direction.  

• I commit myself to assist and support myself within my school-participation to not ever accept and allow the experience of being unmotivated and the back-chat “what’s the use” to control and direct me into not studying – and so when I see that the back-chat “what’s the use” emerges within the mind, where an experience of not being motivated comes up, I stop and I breathe – where I commit myself to stop my participation and within that take a stance to move myself out of the mind, where I do not listen and do not trust the mind to tell me what to do but instead I move myself, I take that opportunity to show myself capable of directing myself – and so I take responsibility through re-instructing and re-asserting myself within that moment to become the directive principle of me, where I re-align my starting-point to be ‘I move myself’ and thus practice on that in every moment where I see what needs to be done, and so I move myself to study, I practically sit down and focus, and whenever I see the mind interfere I take a moment to breathe, slow myself down and so move myself back to here and place my attention on practical, physical reality – to in that stop the dependency of experience and ideas about the outcome for me to be able to move myself within what I am doing – to instead make sure that no matter what the outcome may/might be I make sure that I do what needs to be done and so do my best, where I thus remind myself of the fact that this is what matters – as the point of who I am within what I am doing, that this is what shows me WHO I AM and is thus what will form my relationship with myself – because within this I see, realize and understand that who I am within my relationship with me is what gets influenced and determined by who I am within what I am doing, where I realize that I am not trustworthy, that I cannot trust myself really, if I do not show myself and walk my capacity, ability and responsibility to be the directive principle of me – and so, when I see that I experience myself as unmotivated and want to kind of like just ‘give up’ – I remind myself of this, I remind myself of the fact that what I am giving up on is me, is myself, is my integrity and my self-responsibility – that this has nothing to do with school at all but that it is rather about who I decide to be, what I decide to influence and control me – and I do not accept and allow my relationship with me to be and become deteriorated due to me, not taking self-responsibility through making sure that I MOVE myself, but instead I see the moments where I feel unmotivated as opportunities for me to show myself real strength, real self-respect and real self-movement through taking my life in my own hands and so decide to move myself from within to the without and thus replace the experience of attaining motivation from external factors, such as attaining the perception of it being possible for me to attain good results, with a movement as motivation from within, where I move myself as motivation from the within to the without.

When The Best Student Fails - Day 395

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into absolute self-defeat while doing the final exam due to not being capable of answering all of the questions and so accessing and becoming preoccupied by fear of failure – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear of failure as an automatic response when coming across a question that I did not understand/did not know the correct answer to – wherein I would thus remain in that experience of fear that the first instance of not knowing the answer to a question set off, and so brought that experience with me throughout the entire exam – consequentially fearing every single upcoming question due to already having created a definition of myself as a failure caused by that first instance as the question that I saw myself being unable to answer correctly.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into stress and anxiety when struggling with a question due to the limited amount of time that I had – wherein I would thus self-sabotage through looking at the watch and within that go into the mind thinking ‘shit, common –fuck I am so slow’ where I essentially just created a point of total black-out as a consequence of going into the mind, judging myself and inflicting stress – which I see, realize and understand merely made it more difficult as I would within that rather make myself ineffective since I was so busy participating within another dimension within the mind instead of actually being here, with me, working with myself to figure the equation out – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that judging and being hard on myself will push me into working harder and faster – not seeing or realizing that every time I accept and allow myself to participate within stress, fear and anxiety I am only making it harder for myself since I am basically attempting to fight myself into managing to work harder and faster – which results in internal conflict/friction that prevents me from focusing on the only point that is here, which is the question/equation – where I see and realize that what I would require is to actually stand with myself and so work with me instead of against me.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to split myself into two separate entities within the mind through accessing fear, stress and self-anger as a response to perceiving myself not to work hard and fast enough throughout the exam and so within that creating yet another point within me of desire to succeed – and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear of failure and desire to succeed as two separate points and dimensions of which I utilize to motivate and push myself within an exam – instead of seeing and realizing how this merely limits me from seeing what is here in self-stability and so support myself to walk through the exam moment by moment, breath by breath – because within that my starting-point is based on fear and desire rather than me, being here, walking what needs to be walked.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a perception of the final exam as the most important thing in the world, where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own future and so take it to an extreme through making the possibility of getting a bad grade seem way greater than what it is in practical reality – but within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed manipulation in terms of going into the mind and convincing myself that this whole semester has been worthless and useless, that all the time I have spent studying and stressing about has been for nothing due to now understanding that I will lower my final grade.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to judge and blame myself as inadequate due to not nailing the final exam, wherein I would thus go into a point of grief, as though a part of me died with that final exam – which basically is what happened, because within this I see, realize and understand that I had formed a definition of myself based on always nailing the exams thus far, and while being faced with the final exam I realized that that would not be the case this time – which would then trigger such experience of grief/loss – and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear receiving the grade on my final exam due to understanding that the teacher will have to ask me what the hell went wrong – and so I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the teacher’s feedback due to having allowed myself to take the result of my performance personally and thus within that understanding that the teacher will point out that I have never performed this bad before – not seeing or realizing that, yes, the teacher will point this out and will most likely get quite surprised by the result to say the least, but that does not mean that I have  to take it personally, it does not mean that I have to blame and judge myself, as who I am, according to the feedback.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an emotional attachment to ‘bad grades’ and ‘failure’ – where I react to everything except nailing the exam in absolute despair and shame – instead of within that seeing and realizing that reacting to it in despair and shame cannot assist or support me in any way, but that I am merely feeding and empowering the point of accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the grades even more.

I’ll continue on this point tomorrow.

An Implicit Competition - Day 385

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that what I say/share when communicating/interacting with another person will get attacked/criticized/cut down by the other in where another person use what I say ‘against me’ by implying that what I say/share is inadequate or wrong and that the other being knows more or is better/smarter - and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying/sharing something that may/might make the other being experience it as though I am flawed/inferior/less than that being – due to thinking and believing that what another person thinks of me can determine who I am – not seeing or realizing that even if what I say/share does or would get attacked/criticized/cut down by another, it does not necessarily and automatically mean that it is personal or that I require to take it personally but that I do actually have the capacity, the ability and the responsibility to decide who I am in every moment, and that even if or when I perceive it as though another judge me as inferior I am still responsible for how I internally respond to such interpretation – where I see, realize and understand that I am the one making myself inferior through accepting and allowing myself to be and become the judgments I perceive others to form of me or towards something I say, and so therefor I realize that there is actually nothing to fear here, that I require to stand my ground and decide who I am in every moment and thus realize that another person’s response to what I share/speak is a reflection of who they are – and that it is thus no need to take it personally or make it personal.

• Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the person I am interacting with will start an implicit ‘competition’ about who is the best/most educated/most knowledgeable where what I say/share gets ridiculed or repressed – due to thinking and believing that another human being can make me feel inferior, not seeing or realizing that it is only I who can make myself feel inferior through allowing myself to take someone else’s behaviors/words personally and within that making myself a victim through ‘just taking it’ instead of slowing myself down, looking inside of myself and so decide in every moment what I will accept and allow and what not – because within this I see, realize and understand that the reason for why another person’s behaviors/words trigger an experience of inferiority/inadequacy within me is because such program exist within me – where what is shown is that I still have points to work on and correct in regards to who I am within my relationship to me and in relation to self-acceptance, where I realize that within moments/situations where I perceive it as though another person attacks/ridicules what I share/speak are actually awesome opportunities where I can cross-reference where and who I am – where I can utilize such situations to practice on re-instructing myself to observe instead of inverting what comes up within my external reality.

• And so I commit myself to assist and support myself when interacting with other beings, through being aware of who I am within such situations – to in that be able to slow myself down within moments where I see myself going into fear of being attacked/criticized or being seen as inferior/not as good as the other being – and so when I see that fear emerging within me I take a moment to slow myself down with breath and within that I commit myself to stand within and as self-acceptance – where I direct and decide who I am within me, no more accepting and allowing another person to tell me who I am or whether I am inferior or not.

• I furthermore commit myself to assist and support myself within situations and moments where I see that I am interpreting/perceiving it as though another person is starting a competition about who is 'the best' etc. – where I within that immediately direct myself to not participate within such game, but instead I observe what is going on outside of me and within that let it be just that, outside of me – where I commit myself to no more accept and allow myself to invert whatever another person are implying but instead I let it play out and within that stand my ground through not accepting and allowing myself to take it personally or inverting it – but instead take such moments as opportunities to see where I am at, cross-referencing if any point within me isn’t clear and so also be able to get to know another being – as I see and realize that it is quite fascinating observing another person’s behavior and it is no need to take it personally or make it personal.

Why Do We Resent Successful People? - Day 384

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of being ‘less than’ or inferior to another person – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form a pattern of going into an internal competition with others where I feel the need to assert myself and prove to others that ‘I am just as good as you are’ whenever I perceive or interpret it as though another person is sharing or talking about their achievements/performances/accomplishments or are in some way acknowledging their own ‘success’ – where I within that have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of being inferior/less than/not as good as – and will consequentially attempt and try to obtain the other side of the polarity, where the desire to feel ‘good enough’ and ‘just as good as’ comes up within me, where I am essentially trying to balance out the internal fear and negative experience of ‘not being as good as another’ through going into an internal competition where I feel the need to assert myself to be able to obtain the positive experience of being ‘just as good as’.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form an automatic pattern of wanting to, and believe that I require to, assert myself and prove that I am ‘just as good as another’ immediately whenever another person talks about their achievements/performances/accomplishments – and within that thinking and believing that another person will ‘think less of me’ or see me as inferior if I do not respond in the sense of letting them know that whatever they can or have accomplished is something that I have accomplished or am capable of as well – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will ‘think less of me’ if or when I do not prove to myself and to others that I am ‘just as good as them’ .

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately and automatically go into the mind and compare myself to other people/another person whenever a being share/talk about an achievement/accomplishment – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to validate a belief/idea/perception of myself in relation to being ‘just as good as the other person’ through going into and participating within an internal competition where I give value to and participate within the fear of ‘losing’ in the context of internally experiencing and perceiving myself to be inadequate and inferior and so within that feed and empower the desire to be able to validate a perception of myself as being ‘just as good as’ or better than/superior to the other being – where I within this forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become spiteful within me whenever I perceive it as though another person is bragging in the sense of attempting to appear as ‘better than’ or superior in some way – where I have allowed that perception of others to be and become a trigger-point within me where I will automatically respond through going into the tall poppy syndrome as a result of my internal fear of being seen as less than/not as good as/inadequate – and so within that go into resent because of another person’s achievement and my perception thereof merely because of my own internal fear of not being able to validate a belief/idea/perception of myself in relation to being ‘just as good as others’ and due to the desire to be able to obtain the internal experience of being better/superior.

• Within this I commit myself to assist and support myself within situations/moments where I perceive it as though another person share/talk about their achievements/performances/accomplishments or are in some way acknowledging their ‘success’ and in where I within me see that fear of being/being seen as less than/inferior to emerge within me and so the want/need/desire to assert myself and prove to others that I am ‘just as good as you’, I within that take a moment to slow myself down, where I breathe and ground myself here – and so within that see, realize and understand that I do not require to prove anything – and so instead I take my place within myself where I move myself out of the fear and so the desire and instead direct myself where I decide to accept myself, and so realize that I do not require to externally assert myself or make myself seem ‘just as good as another’ because within me I stand as and within that point of self-acceptance for myself unconditionally. And so within this I commit myself to practice this point of simply remaining here, where I slow myself down and simply listen to and focus on what the being is sharing, where I direct myself to listen instead of attempting and trying to come up with some form of response within the mind which will ‘prove me just as good as’ but instead I give myself self-acceptance and so move myself out of the competition and instead place my focus and attention on what is really here as the interaction I am participating in.