Living Self-Confidence When Faced With Challenges - Day 398

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my self-esteem and self-confidence in school to be and become dependent on how well I perceive myself to perform within exams and assignments – where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of being insecure and unconfident when and as I perceive myself not to perform as well as I normally do – and I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become dependent on attaining the experience of performing well for me to be able to feel and be confident – where I see and realize that I have allowed the experience of self-doubt to just take over and decide who I am, without me even questioning the experience due to thinking and believing that it is right, justified and legitimate for me to doubt myself and feel insecure when I have not performed well, thinking and believing that that gives me a free-pass to doubt myself and feel insecure – not seeing or realizing that this is an automated pattern that I have formed , where I am the one who gives my consent to self-doubt as a response of perceiving myself to having performed bad, but that just because I haven’t performed well does not mean that I have to or am obligated to doubt myself or let my confidence get influenced.

• Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take for granted and assume that whether I doubt myself or am confident will and must be determined by my external performance – wherein I would never, within or throughout my life, allow myself to establish real self-assurance and self-confidence but would instead just blindly accept and allow myself to believe that such points can merely be lived when, and as a result of, one’s external performances/achievements – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate this belief through living accordingly, wherein I would accept and allow myself to just blindly and unquestionably allow myself to limit myself within my relationship to me through not seeing and realizing that self-confidence and self-assurance can only be lived as constant points/parts within me when and as they are just that, lived, from the within to the without, as a decision and self-movement – and so I see and realize that when I am searching and looking for confidence outside of myself, within my performances and the things that I participate within, I am forming a dependency and am not at all taking responsibility for creating the self and the life that it is that I would really want for myself, but am rather looking and searching for aspects that I require within my relationship with me outside of myself – which I see and realize will inevitably lead to dependency, where I allow myself to become dependent on  the perception of performing well for me to be able to feel confident, when all the while I could have and can decide to give myself and live self-confidence as a living principle of me – to stop looking and searching outside of myself and to instead move and direct myself out of self-doubt and stop the pattern of letting my external performance determine how and who I am within myself and so without.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form expectations and/or anticipations according to the perception I have formed of how I have performed previously, wherein my latest performance within an exam/assignment determines what I expect/anticipate for the future in the sense of how I believe that I will perform in upcoming exams/assignments, wherein I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself the opportunity of always standing within myself, trusting me, and thus doing my best without anticipating or expecting any specific result but to instead live self-confidence no matter how ‘well’ I managed to perform in my latest exam/assignment.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I should not, and have no right to, be self-confident if and when I perceive my latest performance within school/an assignment/exam to be ‘bad’ – and wherein I have thus allowed my starting-point behind my continued participation, as the starting-point I have within the next exam/assignment, be and become influenced and determined by previous results – where I am holding on to past performances and thus expecting bad results if I did not perform well in the latest assignment/exam – instead of always giving myself a clean slate where I make sure that I let go of past results and instead make sure that I stand, within who I am as self-confidence, and so move myself to do my best in what is here now.

• In this I commit myself to assist and support myself to live self-confidence through no more just blindly accepting and allowing myself to go into self-doubt when I perceive my results and performances within school to be bad or not as good as they normally are – but to instead become aware of this tendency of just unquestionably believing that it is impossible and not legitimate for me to be confident within myself if and when I have not attained good results within my external participation – so therefor I commit myself to support myself within moments where I see that the experience of self-doubt starts to emerge within me, where I within such situations/moments stop, take a moment to breathe, and so re-instruct myself where I stop giving my consent to self-doubt to tell me who I am or what I am capable of – and so within that I instead make sure that I let go of past results/performances through realizing that I cannot change it, I can only make sure that I give myself the opportunity here and now to do my best – which I commit myself to do through making sure that I direct myself out of the experience of self-doubt that are based on past performances/results and so stand as and live self-confidence as a directive decision and movement.

Failing Before Even Trying - Day 396

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to self-sabotage through creating an idea around final exams, wherein I expect, anticipate and assume that just because it is a final exam it will mean that it is way harder and more difficult than normal exams - where I have consequentially allowed that idea to influence and effect my starting-point and so my experience within myself before walking through a final exam – in where I see and realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this idea that I have formed of final exams to control my internal experience and approach, where I, even before actually doing the final exams, will within me decide that it is going to be hard and almost impossible – not seeing or realizing how such idea will actually make it impossible for me to really see the reality and so walk the final exam within self-awareness and self-stability, since I have already taken a decision to see it as difficult and am thus preventing myself from simply walking through and seeing the exam for what it is.

• And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it harder and more complicated than what it has to be through forming an emotional attachment to final exams – in where I now see and realize that I am preventing myself from seeing reality in terms of walking through the exam moment by moment and thus read the questions, understand the questions and so answer them – due to instead having formed a reaction of fearing that I won’t be able to understand or answer a question even before I have given myself the opportunity to actually read the questions.

• In this I commit myself to assist and support myself in the continuation when walking through a final exam – to within that be aware of the tendency of self-sabotage wherein I go into the idea of it being more difficult and hard just because it is labeled as a ‘final exam’ and so, when I see that fear starts to emerge within me due to forming a perception of the final exam even before doing it I assist and support myself to stop my participation and breathe – where I no more accept and allow myself to go into, generate or feed this idea and starting-point but instead I move and direct myself out of such fear where I realize that I will merely prevent myself from focusing on real reality through creating layers of ideas and fears before walking through an exam.

• And so I furthermore commit myself to practice this point of preventing myself from generating this idea of it being more difficult and hard just because it is called a ‘final exam’ – where I instead re-instruct myself to approach the exam without making it seem sooo big and overwhelming – through within me being aware of the tendency of generating fear and anticipations and so in that instead take a stance within me to instruct myself to face the exam with ‘real eyes’ so to speak; meaning, really giving myself the opportunity to face reality through reminding myself of the fact that I cannot know how an exam will be until I walk it, and thus I commit myself to face the exams through making sure that I really read the questions slowly, in the sense of giving myself the opportunity to really understand what they are asking and so when having made sure that I understand the question I answer – to within that prevent myself from going into the tendency of rushing, as I realize that rushing has only resulted in misunderstandings/misinterpretations and so consequentially ineffectiveness as I’ll have to read the questions over and over again until understanding it – and so therefor I slow myself down, I remain here within breath and so make sure that I understand, which I can only do if I give myself the chance to focus on physical reality and so stop the point of rushing practically.   

When The Best Student Fails - Day 395

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into absolute self-defeat while doing the final exam due to not being capable of answering all of the questions and so accessing and becoming preoccupied by fear of failure – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear of failure as an automatic response when coming across a question that I did not understand/did not know the correct answer to – wherein I would thus remain in that experience of fear that the first instance of not knowing the answer to a question set off, and so brought that experience with me throughout the entire exam – consequentially fearing every single upcoming question due to already having created a definition of myself as a failure caused by that first instance as the question that I saw myself being unable to answer correctly.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into stress and anxiety when struggling with a question due to the limited amount of time that I had – wherein I would thus self-sabotage through looking at the watch and within that go into the mind thinking ‘shit, common –fuck I am so slow’ where I essentially just created a point of total black-out as a consequence of going into the mind, judging myself and inflicting stress – which I see, realize and understand merely made it more difficult as I would within that rather make myself ineffective since I was so busy participating within another dimension within the mind instead of actually being here, with me, working with myself to figure the equation out – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that judging and being hard on myself will push me into working harder and faster – not seeing or realizing that every time I accept and allow myself to participate within stress, fear and anxiety I am only making it harder for myself since I am basically attempting to fight myself into managing to work harder and faster – which results in internal conflict/friction that prevents me from focusing on the only point that is here, which is the question/equation – where I see and realize that what I would require is to actually stand with myself and so work with me instead of against me.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to split myself into two separate entities within the mind through accessing fear, stress and self-anger as a response to perceiving myself not to work hard and fast enough throughout the exam and so within that creating yet another point within me of desire to succeed – and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear of failure and desire to succeed as two separate points and dimensions of which I utilize to motivate and push myself within an exam – instead of seeing and realizing how this merely limits me from seeing what is here in self-stability and so support myself to walk through the exam moment by moment, breath by breath – because within that my starting-point is based on fear and desire rather than me, being here, walking what needs to be walked.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a perception of the final exam as the most important thing in the world, where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own future and so take it to an extreme through making the possibility of getting a bad grade seem way greater than what it is in practical reality – but within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed manipulation in terms of going into the mind and convincing myself that this whole semester has been worthless and useless, that all the time I have spent studying and stressing about has been for nothing due to now understanding that I will lower my final grade.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to judge and blame myself as inadequate due to not nailing the final exam, wherein I would thus go into a point of grief, as though a part of me died with that final exam – which basically is what happened, because within this I see, realize and understand that I had formed a definition of myself based on always nailing the exams thus far, and while being faced with the final exam I realized that that would not be the case this time – which would then trigger such experience of grief/loss – and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear receiving the grade on my final exam due to understanding that the teacher will have to ask me what the hell went wrong – and so I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the teacher’s feedback due to having allowed myself to take the result of my performance personally and thus within that understanding that the teacher will point out that I have never performed this bad before – not seeing or realizing that, yes, the teacher will point this out and will most likely get quite surprised by the result to say the least, but that does not mean that I have  to take it personally, it does not mean that I have to blame and judge myself, as who I am, according to the feedback.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an emotional attachment to ‘bad grades’ and ‘failure’ – where I react to everything except nailing the exam in absolute despair and shame – instead of within that seeing and realizing that reacting to it in despair and shame cannot assist or support me in any way, but that I am merely feeding and empowering the point of accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the grades even more.

I’ll continue on this point tomorrow.

How We Make The Smallest Things Seem Huge - Day 382

• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to assist and support myself within busy periods of time in where I have a lot on my plate – but have instead accepted and allowed myself to form a pattern of generating and manifesting a fight with and within myself, where I am essentially attempting and trying to fight myself into ‘making it’ – not seeing or realizing that it is during such periods of time that I am in most need of actually assisting, supporting and caring for myself in the sense of working with me instead of against me, through finding practical solutions to be able to walk through what needs to be done – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create even more pressure, strain and stress within myself during periods of time where I am faced with a lot of things that needs to be done - and in that creating and putting extra strain and pressure of stress on my physical body as well – and so within this I see, realize and understand that through going into reactions and stress when I am faced with busy periods of time I am only making myself experiencing the situation as extra-difficult – where I am the one that decides to experience my practical reality as difficult and stressful – when all the while I can actually within that assist and support myself to direct myself into simply walking through what needs to be done – that generating and manifesting stress will not, and cannot, help me in any kind of way.

• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when and as I am faced with stressful situations/moments/periods – I am merely fueling the stress through accepting and allowing myself to react towards the situation/the things that I have to get done – where I realize that I have formed a habit of going into a reaction of stress/anxiety whenever I perceive it to be ‘too much’ – and from that reaction will go into a fight with myself – where I believe that I require to push myself to get it done and within that not seeing or realizing that fighting fuels the stress even more – and that within stress I am actually unable to direct myself effectively.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to self-sabotage through making everything that I have to do into a factor of stress, where I am immediately attaching stress to anything and everything that I see must be done – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make things so much harder than what they have to be through seeing what needs to be done as something that ‘I must do’ – as though it is a matter of life or death – not seeing or realizing how I am making the smallest things seem so huge through accepting and allowing myself to look at the points within the mind, where I am essentially blowing things out of proportion instead of practically looking at and walking through one thing at a time – because within this I see, realize and understand that in physical space and time I can only do so much and I can only do one thing at a time – however, when I am within the mind thinking about everything at once it will seem overwhelming and too much – and so I see and realize that I am self-sabotaging when and as I, within the mind, list all the things that I apparently have to do – because within that I am not at all looking at practical reality or what I can do right here and right now – but will instead merely prevent myself from moving, from directing myself into actually doing – and am thus wasting time thinking about what needs to be done – where I see, realize and understand that what I could do to assist and support myself is to instead just decide, within that moment, what needs to be prioritized and then just do it, just walk it and then from there further assess what needs to be done etc. – to in that be here, move myself here – instead of generating stress and going into complete paralysis.

• Within this I commit myself to re-instruct myself within busy periods of time to, when I see myself reacting to/towards the situation/the things that I have to do, assist and support myself by going through what I can and within that walk it breath by breath, and whenever stress come up, I take a moment, breathe, get out of the mind and get back into the physical, placing my attention and focus on the thing I am busy doing – saying to myself “do what you can” – and so within that really practice that point of walking it through one breath at a time to prevent myself from making it seem overwhelming.

Fearing The Absence Of Stress - Day 381

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a reaction of fear and anxiety as an automatic response to when I see myself being relaxed and not stressed – where I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the absence of stress to fear, believing that ‘something is wrong’ as a consequence of how I have adapted and aligned myself with the constant and continuous internal experience of being stressed and anxious.

• Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to self-sabotage within moments where I am not experiencing stress through generating and going into an experience of discomfort due to believing that ‘this is not how I should experience myself’ based on the inherent pattern which I realize that I have, in a way, become addicted to – where I basically see ‘being stressed’ as the ‘normal state of my beingness’ – and within that accepting that to be and become what I am ‘comfortable’ within, how I believe that I should experience myself – and then when I do not experience stress, something is apparently wrong – and so within that not seeing or realizing how I am actually deliberately self-sabotaging in moments where I do not experience stress – where I am, within such situations/moments,  essentially going into the mind where I go over everything that I apparently ‘must do’ – and in that am consequentially placing myself back into the pattern of stress.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the absence of stress – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate and manifest stress within moments where I see that I am not actually stressed through going into the mind in where I am essentially searching for stuff that I can stress about, where I allow myself to go into the belief that ‘I must have forgotten something’ as an automatic response to the absence of stress – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume and expect that I have forgotten or missed something if I do not experience stress – not seeing or realizing that this is how I tend to self-sabotage, where I have allowed myself to get so used to and addicted to the inherent pattern of stress and struggle that I am within that deliberately making life and living more difficult for myself, as though I want to struggle/fight – where I even see myself capable of stopping and directing myself out of the stress – but where I have allowed myself to form a resistance towards experiencing anything else than stress as a consequence of how I have mistakenly connected the absence of stress to ‘something is wrong’.

• I forgive myself that I have, within and throughout my life, accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when I do not experience stress, then that must mean that I have forgotten something – where I have for such an extended period of time existed within the habit of always stressing about every single thing I have to do – and how I have, within that, merely ‘escaped’ the stress within moments where I actually have forgotten something, which then later on, when remembering the thing I had forgotten, would go into an even more intense experience of stress – and so I see and realize that I have consequentially formed an automatic pattern of going into fear when I do not experience stress, where I am connecting that absence of stress to ‘having forgotten something’ – and so within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have the ability to actually look at and investigate whether I have forgotten something or not without going into or generating stress immediately when I find something that I have missed, that the stress in itself will not and cannot help me or support me in any kind of way within such situations – and so I realize that fearing the absence of stress due to thinking and believing that that would imply that I have forgotten something is really just an habitual pattern that I have created, a pattern which does not support me.

• And therefor I commit myself to assist and support myself within moments where I see that fear start to emerge as a consequence of the absence of stress, where I see that thoughts about whether I have forgotten something or not starts to appear – to within such situations see and realize that I am busy generating the pattern of stress – and so therefor I stop my participation and breathe, where I ground myself here and move myself out of the fear and within that slow myself down where I instead practically check my schedule/calendar and thus stick to practical reality, where I see, realize and understand that I do not require stress within that moment but to instead plan and organize my responsibilities.

You Can Rest When You've Died Due To Stress - Day 380

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use excuses such as ‘I must do this and that’ as justifications for never giving myself me-time or a moment for myself, where I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself a break where I decide to just let go of everything I believe that I ‘have to/must do’ and in that give myself a moment to care for myself, to look at the point of; what do I need within my relationship to myself for me to be able to find stability and balance in relation to my external participation – where I see, realize and understand that I require to give myself a moment/moments as breaks during the day – but that I instead have allowed myself to think and believe that I do not have enough time for that, that there are more ‘important’ things that needs to be prioritized – not seeing or realizing that I am existing within and perpetuating an inherent pattern where I am basically manifesting a ‘burnout’ – which happens because of too much stress and in where I see and realize that I am creating consequences due to not giving myself a moment/moments as breaks during the day. And so within this I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect and disregard myself through instead prioritizing the things that I believe that I must do, not seeing or realizing how I am within this completely missing life and living, where I have instead allowed myself to formed my life according to and focused all my attention on my external participation – and consequentially forgetting about me and what is actually important and matters in terms of who I am within my life, who I am within my self-relationship.

• And so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that all that matters is what I manage to do externally, in the sense of constantly and continuously prioritizing what I do within my external reality and so neglecting, disregarding and ignoring who I am within that – where I am focusing so much on doing good ‘out there’ that I never give myself the opportunity to look at and take responsibility for creating a life that I would really want for myself – and in where I instead have allowed myself to become so preoccupied with doing the things that I believe that I must do that I failed to realize that there will always be things that I ‘must do’ within my external reality/world – and that for me to be able to actually create a life that I would really want for myself I require to find balance in the sense of giving myself that which I require at the same time as I walk my external participation.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking a moment/moments as breaks during the day due to thinking and believing that if I stop what I do for just a moment, I might not get everything that I believe that I must do done. And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘well, I take a moment later, when I am done’ – in where I consequentially don’t take any breaks at all, as I am postponing it until ‘later’ – which I see, realize and understand is a deliberate manipulation, because within this I understand that if I tell myself that I will take a break later, then that later will get postponed further and further. In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘I can’t relax or take a moment/break before I am done with all of my responsibilities’ – in where I have accepted and allowed myself to trust this belief in the sense of really believing that it is impossible for me to give myself a moment/moments as breaks during the day without creating additional stress – not seeing or realizing how this is just a belief, that I am actually capable of taking the decision to give myself a moment/moments as breaks during the day and within that move and direct myself out of any experience as reactions that may/might emerge as a response to that – because within this I see, realize and understand that I require to push through that resistance towards giving myself a moment/breaks throughout my day – and within that change my daily participation through incorporating some me-time, some time for me to rest and let go – otherwise it can become consequential. And within this I see, realize and understand that, for example, getting straight A’s in school is not something that will be of any use if that means that I compromise my self-stability and my relationship to me.

• And so I see, realize and understand that for me to be able to live within self-stability and for me to be able to actually enjoy life and living – I require to make some radical changes in terms of how I approach things. Because within this I see, realize and understand that I am currently existing within a pattern that does not support me as life, a pattern that actually prevents me from really living – as I am merely participating within and am directed by what I perceive that I must do within my external reality, where the determining factor for my participation consist of thoughts in relation to what I believe that I must do, where I miss and disregard what I require in my self-relationship to be able to walk through my external responsibilities as well – and within this I realize that I require to change my approach, change my starting-point towards what I do – to instead make sure that I am the one that decides what I do, instead of letting a thought of ‘this is what I MUST do now’ be what determines what I do and do not do – because within this I see, realize and understand that I cannot continue existing within this habitual pattern of only considering and prioritizing my external participation in for example school, but that I have to slow myself down and take myself, my self-support and my self-stability into consideration as well - to within that give myself a moment/moments as breaks during the day.

• In this I commit myself to assist and support myself within my relationship with me to further investigate the pattern that I am existing within in terms of how I have formed my life to become only about what I believe that I must do and in where I have allowed myself to consequentially neglect, disregard and ignore myself and my self-stability within what I am doing – and so within that walk through and incorporate the changes that are required for me to be able to find stability and balance within what I am doing – where I see and realize that one major point here which I see myself requiring is to actually give myself a moment/moments as breaks and me-time during the day – and so I commit myself to, through my writings, my self-forgiveness and my corrective applications, assist and support myself to release myself from the underlying reasons behind why I have formed resistance/fear to and towards giving myself “me-time” – and within that practically incorporate moments as breaks during the day to prevent myself from manifesting additional strain on my physical and consequences in my relationship to myself.

How to Unleash Your Inner Genius - Day 378

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into, trust, give value to and stay within a thought of ‘I don’t get it’ when and as I am studying and perceive myself to be unable to fully grasp the material that I am walking through or when I do not immediately understand how to tackle an equation – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach an energetic reaction of anxiety, fear and frustration to the thought ‘I don’t get it’ – where I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when I stay in that ‘I don’t get it’, then I won’t actually get it because I am within that accepting and allowing a thought and reaction to blind me from seeing that it’s all here – that I’ve got it and that it is here in me and as me – that the only thing that is preventing me from accessing the information is just a thought and reaction – where I see, realize and understand that I am limiting myself through trusting a thought and through reacting to that thought, instead of within such moments trust myself, slow myself down and breathe where I simply just take in the information.

• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the thought ‘I don’t get it’ cannot help me in any way but will rather just limit me from really seeing what is here and realizing that I do get it – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that thought to get in the way, in the sense of accepting and allowing myself to place my trust within and believe a thought to tell me who I am and what I am capable of – instead of seeing and realizing that it is just a thought and reaction – which means that it is when I accept and allow myself to stay in that thought and trust that thought to tell me who I am that I won’t get it – because through accepting and allowing myself to participate within such thought and so the reaction, I give my consent to the mind to tell me who I am within a moment – instead of, within such situations, re-instruct myself and get that thought out of the way so that I can see that I do actually get it, I just have to slow myself down and so allow myself to take in the information.

• In this I commit myself to assist and support myself to get the thought of ‘I don’t get it’ our of the way through no more accepting and allowing myself to trust that thought and stay within that thought – but to instead, when the anxiety/fear/frustration comes up, tell myself ‘Malin, you’ve got it – read slowly, breathe, take in the information, it’s here in me and as me’ – and so realize that I DO have it, it’s just a thought and reaction that is blinding me from seeing that it’s all here.

What Will You Do When Another Gives Up On You?-Day 377

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist asking teachers for help/assistance/support when I am having trouble comprehending something – due to fearing that I will still not understand even if they try to explain something – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will feel stupid if I ask for assistance but will still not comprehend – where I have accepted and allowed myself to, within such situations where I see that I still won’t understand even if another attempts to explain, formed a pattern of automatically going into the experience and belief of myself as being stupid and slow for not immediately understanding – where I consequentially have formed a resistance to and towards asking for help due to the underlying belief of ‘I won’t understand anyway’.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that there is no use in asking teachers for assistance and support when I find myself unable to understand something – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume and expect that other’s will not be able to explain in a way that makes me comprehend due to how this typically happens when I ask for assistance – and I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that there is just something wrong with me, that it is my fault that I normally won’t understand when others tries to explain something – and so within this have simply just accepted that point of ‘I won’t understand’ as a part of me – not seeing or realizing how accepting and allowing this definition to exist and constantly reverberate within the back of my head, actually limits and prevents me from fully being here when another person attempts to explain something, because within that there is this one aspect of me that has already beforehand decided that ‘I won’t get it anyway’ – which is a belief that is based on the past, where I am just constantly accessing all the times where I did not understand and in where I am holding on to those instances instead of giving myself a new opportunity in every moment. I mean, I cannot know whether I will comprehend something or not through just accessing the past and trusting that ‘that’s just how it normally is’ – because within that I won’t even give myself a clean slate or a fair shot.

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally and judge myself as stupid and slow when and as I ask another for assistance/support and when I do not manage to comprehend/understand even if another person attempts to explain – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally and judge myself due to seeing how others/teachers tends to ‘give up on me’ in the sense of just explaining once and then, if and when I still don’t ‘get it’, just walking away – which I have allowed myself to interpret as them, giving up on me and seeing it as an impossible task to ‘make me understand’ – not seeing or realizing that just because someone ‘gives up and walks away’ does not automatically mean that I am too stupid or that I am to blame – so, I see, realize and understand that I still have the capacity and the responsibility to decide in such moments who I am going to be in relation to someone walking away, that I still have the capacity and the responsibility to decide how I am going to react – and so I realize that I can, within such situations decide, who I am going to be, how I am going to experience myself and what I will accept and allow and what not – where I realize that another person’s behavior is their behavior, it is not something I must take responsibility for – however, what I do have to take responsibility for is who I am in relation to and as a response to other people’s behaviors.

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will give up on me in the sense of attempting to explain something and in where I still won’t understand – and in where this eventually leads another person to just ‘walk away’ – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately, automatically and instantaneously give up on myself and see myself as a failure due to perceiving and interpreting it as though another person gives up on me and so within that just accept the fact that ‘I don’t understand this’ – instead of seeing and realizing that I could actually instead go ‘ok, so that would not help me understand/comprehend – so, let’s find a solution, let’s look at what I do require to understand’ – and so re-instruct myself within such moment to instead of just going ‘I don’t get it, I am stupid’ go ‘ok, let’s look for a solution’ – I mean, why would I want to just give up and feel like shit about myself when I can instead assist and support myself to see it as challenge, as an opportunity to learn, expand and grow? And so within that instead decide to walk the path that I can actually enjoy for myself – I mean it is so simple in the sense of looking at it as just one simple decision that I have to make, to in that just take the decision to see it as ‘ok, don’t understand, cannot compute – let’s take this on, let’s find a solution and let’s walk it!’

To be continued.. 

Why Do We Fear Giving Up The Fear? - Day 370

This post is a continuation from:

• When Perfection Isn't Good Enough - Day 367 
• Shattering The Shackles Of Being a 'High Achiever' - Day 368 
• The Curse Of Being An Overachiever - Day 369

So, these last two days I’ve got the chance to test my application in regards to stopping the fear that emerges within me when I feel as though I am/my capacity are about to be tested. I’ve had two exams these last two days and yesterday I decided not to go into that fear, nervousness, anxiety and stress that normally just comes up within me.

Before an exam I usually go through the material one-two hours before the exam just to give myself one last brief overview. While doing that I see myself having a tendency of getting stuck – where I find myself having forgotten some of the stuff, or usually it is like one word or one letter within one word that I have mixed up or are not completely sure about, and in that the panic/fear/stress-experiences gets triggered – where I see myself taking it to an extreme and have all of a sudden within the mind decide that I DON’T KNOW ANYTHINNNNNNNG, IIIIII’M SCREEEEEEEWED!!!!!!!!!. . .

Before Thursday’s exam I sat down and walked through some of the material. Before sitting down I had already taken the decision for myself to not go into the fear, but rather just give myself an opportunity to repeat some of the ‘easier material’ instead of immediately taking on the most complicated and intricate parts. This was to give myself a chance to awaken my brain, lol. As I see that I sometimes require like a moment ‘warm up’ and that when I immediately take on the intricate stuff I am putting myself in a position where I kind of like ‘leave an open window’ for the mind. So, to prevent the stress and panic to overwhelm and take over I started with going through some things that I am confident within. I immediately saw a major difference within me – I was just calm and confident where I normally would experience the exact opposite. Though I still saw some fear and stress humming in the background but it wasn’t even close to what I normally go through before an exam with being all jittery and with my heart beating like a jungle drum and being all freaked out.

Before yesterday’s exam I re-instructed myself while going through the overview in where I directed myself to be here within awareness and in that made sure that I did not allow any form of fear. What was interesting was that I saw a slight concern, where I felt as though something was almost ‘wrong’ due to how calm I was. Like, I have for such an extended period of time existed within and allowed this intense fear to exist within me and take over before a big exam that when I wouldn’t go into it I felt as though something ‘was missing’ in a way. And I saw that the concern stemmed from the belief I have created in regards to thinking that I need to be stressed and anxious to ‘care’ and to be able to push myself, as though I require the fear to activate me.

Without the fear the exam didn’t feel so big and important anymore – and if I do not see the exam as a matter of life or death then I won’t actually study as intensely. And in this I realize that I have actually deliberately created this program of attaching fear to exams as an attempt to force myself into seeing it as incredibly important and from there force myself into studying as though the exams actually are a matter of life or death. In that also convincing myself within the mind that I don’t know anything, that I will fail etc. which I also see is something that makes me push myself even harder before an exam, where I study everyday as though I don’t know anything and as though it is the first time I go through the material, even though I, within me, see and realize that I have the knowledge that are required, but I deliberately manipulate myself into believing that I don’t know anything at all – that I have to re-learn everything, that I have forgotten everything.

And in that I realize that I fear giving up the fear, as I realize that if I do not manipulate myself into seeing exams as utterly important but instead see it for what it is, well, then I will see it for what it is. It’s just an exam. My self-worth is not at stake here. So, I realize that I require looking into and investigating this point of thinking and believing that if I do not continue seeing it as though my life and self-worth are at stake or determined by the results I get on exams then maybe I’ll become lazy or unmotivated or undisciplined and maybe I won’t get the highest grades – and oh my, who am I then?

To be continued.. 

The Curse Of Being An Overachiever - Day 369

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist stopping my participation within the fear of not achieving perfect results within my external reality and the fear of what others may/might think of me if I all of a sudden would not fall into the category of ‘being a high achiever’ anymore – in where I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I require the fear, the stress and the anxiety for me to be able to move and motivate me into working as hard as I am able to and perceive that I have to, to be able to achieve good results – not seeing or realizing how extensively I am compromising my life, my relationship to myself, to my physical and so to my world and reality just because of this one single point in relation to my continuous participation within fear of not being and achieving ‘perfection’ externally. In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the fear of not managing to achieve perfect results that I am existing within are just an indication of me, ‘caring’ – in where I have accepted and allowed myself to mistakenly and manipulatively created and manifested a belief and idea in relation to the fear of not reaching external perfection – where I am seeing it as something that indicates that I actually care, that it somehow indicates that I have integrity – but, in this I now see, realize and understand that it is rather the opposite – because this is not caring or integrity, I do not care about life at all – but instead I have accepted and allowed myself to prioritize and give value to internal fears and self-beliefs – where I have consequentially neglected and disregarded my self-support, which I realize would be an immediate indication of lack of care and integrity – because I am accepting and allowing fear of not being and becoming someone that is perceived as ‘perfect’ – but this ‘perfect’ is actually something that is based on external knowledge and information in relation to what I have been taught to define as ‘good’ and ‘bad’ and ‘valuable’ and ‘inadequate’ etc. – not seeing or realizing that these definitions are not in any way based on what actually supports life and living, but merely based on external programming in relation to how this whole world-system functions and works, where I have allowed myself to give more value to being perceived as ‘good’ than what I value actual, real, life. 

 

• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the only one that is keeping me from changing into becoming someone I would actually, really be able to stand as and live with for eternity is me – in where I have accepted and allowed myself to project this responsibility onto others through allowing myself to utilize the thought ‘what would others think of me if I changed’ as an excuse and justification for why I should continue existing as is within my relationship to what I practically do in my external reality in where I have allowed myself to think and believe that others expect me to be a high achiever, and that if I start valuing self-care and self-support more than what I value ‘being seen as and being aligned with the definition of being a high achiever’ then I will change in a way which will make others ‘think less of me’ in the sense of others seeing me as someone who doesn’t live up to my potential and capacity. And so within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will think less of myself if I would not be able to see myself as a ‘high achiever’ anymore, based on what I do and do not perform in my external reality – where I have accepted and allowed myself to project this fear onto others – not seeing or realizing that I do not actually fear that others will see me as someone who does not live up to her own potential/capacity but that I fear how I would experience myself if I would not be able to define myself as a high achiever anymore, and thus how I would experience myself if I would perceive that others stops defining me as a high achiever – and so I see, realize and understand that whether others sees me as a high achiever or not can only influence my experience of myself as long as I accept and allow myself to define and link my self-worth to what I perceive myself to achieve externally. 

 

• Within this I commit myself to assist and support myself within my practical reality in situations where I see that fear, stress and anxiety emerges within me due to perceiving that I, and my capacity, are about to be ‘tested’ or measured through, within that moment of seeing the fear coming up within me, immediately stop and breathe – where I do not accept and allow myself to go into that fear but instead I slow myself down within that moment, where I give myself a moment to just breathe and ground myself here – in where I realize that fear, stress and anxiety will not and cannot help me – and so I no more accept and allow myself to cause strain on my physical and on my self-relationship through just automatically going into the fear but instead I take a stance within me to no more accept and allow myself to follow the automatic program – but instead I commit myself to in such moments really give myself the opportunity to slow myself down and bring myself back to here – to my physical, where I both internally and practically slow myself down through moving myself and my awareness back to here, to every movement and every breath.

 
 

When Perfection Isn't Good Enough - Day 367

I got a result back on a school-assignment and the feedback from the teacher went as following; “An A, of course”. These two last words, “of course”, made me realize how this is actually something I have created and linked a fear to and towards, because I see how this is triggering the program that I have created and manifested within me in relation to letting my starting-point behind why I work so extensively hard be based on fear of others disappointment - where I fear that I will not live up to the definition that I perceive others to have of me, especially in regards to teachers. In this I clearly see that teachers sees me as someone who will, “obviously”, always do what needs to be done to get an A. I mean, the last time that I did not receive an A, but instead a B on an exam, I almost started crying. Lol. It’s easy to laugh at it now, as I see how silly it is, but when I got the result back, saying “B, Well done!”, I felt as though my whole world was falling apart. That experience, and the fear thereof, is something that is currently directing me within my everyday participation – where I am constantly and continuously straining myself and pushing myself so hard as an attempt to avoid that experience that emerges within me whenever I perceive that I am not ‘the best’ or ‘achieving the best results as one possibly can’. When I get an A on the other hand, it’s like ‘nothing’ emerges within me, because it just fits my self-definition, it will not trigger anything as it is aligned with ‘my demands’ – so, I see how I am within this constantly pushing myself because of fear of having to face the experience that emerges within me when I am faced with a result that does not fit my self-definition, that is not aligned with what I believe others to expect of me.

So, what I see here is that I have formed a self-definition that is based on the belief and idea I have about what others expect of me in relation to my achievements in school and similar external participations in where one can either attain ‘good’ or ‘bad’ results. And I realize that I fear that other people will feel the same about me as I do when not achieving the best possible result – because I have accepted and allowed myself to, within that; blame, judge, upbraid and criticize myself so extensively and in where I consequentially take for granted and assume that other people, who expect me to achieve ‘the best possible result’, will think and feel the same way about me. I mean, even if I get an A on an exam but have one incorrect answer I will give myself permission to judge myself. Where I only see my ‘mistakes’ and apparent imperfections – and am thus never, ever seeing what I actually do manage to do, because what I manage to do is just like, not important, I will not register it. I mean, I see how I can never within this live self-acceptance or self-trust as I within this instead have decided to overlook and disregard my own capacity and in where I instead only see the small details that I perceive to be ‘imperfect’ and insufficient. In this I see that this is a contributing factor to the reverberating negativity that I incessantly exist within and as, as the current state of my beingness – where I will demand absolute perfection but expect that I will always fail. Realistically looking I see that it is not always possible to attain absolute perfect results; sometimes I might even misspell a word. Lol.

I realize that it is important for me, within my relationship with myself, to really release and free myself from this construct and program. Especially since I will start studying even more subjects in the near future – where I will have even less time, and thus I realize that this means that I must look at my situation rationally, seeing that it is unacceptable for me to continue compromising my self-support as a consequence and outflow of the construct I have manifested in where I constantly prioritize perfecting my external participation/achievements and within that neglect, disregard and put myself second.

I will walk this through with self-forgiveness in blogs to follow.