Facing The Storms Of Life By Yourself - Day 409

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others or another will think or believe that I am in some way dependent on, in need of or reliant on that person – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an immediate reaction of anger and aversion when and as I perceive a pattern within another that indicates that that person thinks or believes that I expect something or anything from that being or am in some way dependent, in need of or reliant on that person – where I see and realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fear to and towards becoming dependent on or in some way count on another; from the perspective of expecting something from another or expecting another to be here for me when I, in some way, would require or be in need of assistance or support – as I within that have linked and connected such dependency to undoubtedly and definitely getting disappointed, deceived and let down – and where I thus turn this fear of getting let down by another into anger, where I see and realize that I have formed an automatic pattern wherein I push people away through anger, exclusion, spitefulness and aversion as an attempt to protect myself from getting disappointed, deceived or let down in the future – where I am projecting myself into the future and accessing memories of my past wherein I experienced such scenarios with the beings that supposed to be responsible for taking care of me – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I may or might, within a relationship with another being, create assumptions in relation to expecting that the other being will be there for me, assist or help me in situations or moments where I have formed the presumption that the other being would respond through standing by my side when I am faced with something that I perceive as difficult or hard to walk through and face on my own  – and so within this fear accepting and allowing myself to push people away through utilizing anger, spitefulness and exclusion immediately when or if I perceive another to in some way show any form of pattern that implies that the other person thinks or believes that I expect something, am in need of or dependent on that being – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and assume that if another person forms the idea and belief of me as being dependent on, in need of or reliant on that person in any kind of way, then such idea and belief would further result in the other being feeling obligated to assist and support me – as though it is a duty rather than the other being actually wanting to stand by my side and/or face and walk through something together with me - and through this I see, realize and understand that I have formed this pattern in where I react in anger, aversion, spitefulness and push people away as a response within situations/moments wherein I interpret it as though the other person’s starting-point and underlying reason for assisting/supporting/standing by my side is based and founded on an experience of obligation – where I see how the interpretation I form within the mind of another person, feeling obligated to stand by my side will activate a program and pattern within me where the intention is to show another that I absolutely do not need no one and that I definitely do not expect another to be there for me.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project and superimpose anger onto another if or when I perceive the person to show any form of pattern that I perceive as an indication of that being thinking or believing that I expect assistance or support in any kind of way – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond to such interpreted pattern through excluding and ostracizing the other – and I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this anger that comes up within me in situations where I perceive another to think or believe that I expect something from or am dependent on that being, is actually self-anger – because within this I see, realize and understand that these instances/circumstances are triggering self-anger within me – where I become angry with myself as a result of seeing that I have allowed myself to form expectations, a dependency and attachment to another person – that I have allowed myself to ‘become vulnerable’ from the perspective of accepting and allowing myself to get influenced by who and how another person decides to be and so whether or not another person decides to stand by my side when I am faced with and have to walk through something difficult – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become angry at and blame myself when I see myself getting disappointed as a response to another person’s behavior and/or decision of who to be in relation to that which I am faced with and have to walk through – in where I see and realize that when I notice that I get influenced in any kind of way due to another person’s decision of who to be as a response to who I am or what I am faced with, I will immediately go into self-anger – due to thinking and believing that letting myself get influenced by another person’s behavior is an indication of me, accepting and allowing myself to not be independent and strong enough but rather having allowed myself to become  weak and stupid for expecting or wanting a specific response from another person – where these situations become moments where I am in a way telling myself ‘I told you so’ in spitefulness, where I blame myself for not living according to the principle of ‘trust no one’.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and form a general idea about people wherein I think and believe that others are not to be trusted, that others will always betray, lie and leave, that allowing myself to assume or expect something or anything from another will always with no exceptions lead to disappointment, that I am not to count on or expect others to support or help me when I require assistance, that I am not to think that others would want to help me if I would to ask for assistance, that others will always leave or in some way deceive, that allowing myself to in any way get attached to another is the most dangerous thing I can expose myself to – and within this not seeing or realizing how this indicates a total lack of self-trust, as I am within this expecting and assuming that I cannot trust myself to be able to stand stable within situations where I perceive others to betray, live, leave, let down, deceive etc. – thus thinking and believing that I require to prevent myself from ever exposing myself to such conditions – instead of seeing and realizing that what I rather would require as a point of prevention is for me to incorporate and really live self-trust and self-support – where I rather learn and practically live within self-stability in my self-relationship, trusting myself and so my capacity to face situations and have relationships with other beings without having to fear others possible behaviors but rather stand within myself, trusting myself and so realize that all I need is me, is my self-trust, is my commitment to not disappoint myself or let myself down from the perspective of not living self-care and thus supporting myself no matter external circumstances/situations – wherein I see and realize that what I would require is for me to really understand that what I for certainty can trust is myself and my capacity to direct myself within a situation to support myself, to make sure that I stand by my side, wherein I realize that another or others behaviors or what another decides to do are not to be taken personally, as I see and realize that a decision made by another is never in fact caused by me and so not my responsibility.

• When and as I think and believe that I see a pattern within another that indicates that the person thinks or believes that I expect something or anything from that being or am in some way dependent, in need of or reliant on that person and in where I see myself reacting in fear and anger where I feel the urge to push the other away – I stop and I breathe – in this I commit myself to slow myself down and take a moment to ground myself here – wherein I stop my participation within anger and realize that excluding, projecting anger and spitefulness outwards onto another will not and cannot solve my internal experiences – because within this I see, realize and understand that when anger emerges within me it is merely indicating self-anger, and so therefor I no more accept and allow myself to take such anger out on another but instead I commit myself to support myself through standing as my self-awareness, where I re-instruct myself within the moment and direct myself out of the pattern through first making sure that I slow myself down through breathing and in that ground myself here, within myself, where I take the decision to stand by my side, to support myself and to realize that I do have me – and therefor I commit myself to always make sure that I am here for me, that I stand here with me and in that practice on accepting and embracing the support and assistance that others give, where I realize that others supporting me is their decision – and as I realize that I remain here by my side, with me, supporting myself, I further see that there is no need in fearing and resisting others support or fearing that I may not be able to trust the support – because no matter what, I make sure that I stand by my side.

The Mind Will Show You Whom You Should Fear - Day 407

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an internal experience of fear and inferiority as an automatic response that gets activated and triggered by and within situations where I am faced with or perceive another person within my surrounding/closest environment to show any form of pattern that I have linked to and see as indications of superiority/authority/dominance - wherein I see and realize that I have formed this automatic response as a program that gets activated within me whenever I perceive another person within my external reality to be superior/dominant as a consequence and result of my past and memories, in this thinking and believing that I must change who and how I am to become submissive and as invisible as I possibly can to prevent the possibility of triggering/activating anger/rage within the person that I interpret to be dominant/superior, due to believing that I am placing myself and my life at risk and in danger if I activate or trigger anger/rage within another – and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond to situations wherein I perceive myself to be faced with a person that is dominant/superior through physically changing my behavior and who I am into becoming more silent, repressed and where I suppress and hide myself in the sense of attempting and trying to not cause any ‘trouble’ but rather be silent so that I won’t come across as provocative – and in this just unquestionably accept this continuous response and change in behavior without even considering why, as I see and realize that this behavior is really not assisting or supporting me but is rather making my relationship to me and so my relationship to others completely messed up – where I also see and realize that I do have another option, that I could just as well decide to stop this unsupportive behavior through within the moment decide not to participate, not to respond within an automation but to instead move myself and decide who I am going to be in every situation – and so therefor I realize that it is rather stupid to continue existing within this automation as I realize that it is not helping me, it is not supporting me but rather fucking me up within my relationship to me.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change my physical behavior as my posture, movements and interactions within situations and moments where I perceive another person within my surrounding/environment to show any form of pattern that I interpret as indications of dominance/authority/superiority – in where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed moments and situations in where I perceive myself to be faced with a being that I see as dominant/superior to be and become circumstances wherein I habitually and unquestionably change myself as who I am and behave externally – not seeing or realizing that just because I perceive myself to be faced with a being that shows any form of pattern that I have connected to dominance/authority/superiority does not automatically mean that I have to adjust, mold or change myself as who I am – but within this I realize that I have formed a belief of it being important and necessary for me to change myself dependent on how I perceive beings within my environment to be, as an attempt to kind of like form a ‘balance’ – where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change my behavior and practical participation due to thinking and believing that if I remain being just me then the whole situation will become out of balance in the context of thinking and believing that the person that I perceive to be dominant/superior would react in anger if I do not practically and physically change myself to become more silent, compliant, submissive and passive.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and link anger and rage to patterns within others that I perceive to be indications of superiority/authority/dominance - wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the inclination to react in rage and anger are greater and more prominent within individuals that I consider to be or show patterns that I have linked to authority/superiority/dominance – and I furthermore forgive myself that I have within this accepted and allowed myself to make assumptions and merely participate within my own imaginations and beliefs in regards to who and how another person is – instead of seeing and realizing that I cannot in any way know or understand the entirety of another person’s entire mind, and so in that I realize that I am drawing conclusions based on previous events and memories instead of allowing myself to participate in that which are here, and so observe and interact with real, actual reality.

• In this I commit myself to practice within situations/moments wherein I see that I have formed a perception of another individual within my surrounding as being dominant/superior/ authority – where I within such instances stand within my awareness, where I see the tendency that I have formed in relation to reacting in fear and letting such fear trigger the pattern and automatic response of going into inferiority – and so within that I commit myself to slow myself down through stopping and breathing when I see myself react due to someone within my environment, where I assist and support myself to prevent myself from going into an automatic response where I change my behavior, but instead practice on remaining here, standing within and as stability and thus assist and support myself through being aware of the pattern and in that no more accept and allow myself to just blindly and automatically follow and comply with – but instead I take my life in my own hands, where I direct myself to take self-responsibility through not accepting and allowing myself to go into a state of inferiority but to instead move and instruct myself to focus on being me, on remaining here and so place my awareness in practical, physical reality – to in that make sure that I only participate in that which exists directly here as the physical – to realize that anything that does not exist directly here as the physical is the mind and is thus not real.

How we are Enslaving Ourselves to the Past - Day 406

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to anyone that in any way show any form of pattern which I perceive to be similar to the patterns and behaviors that I have linked and connected to the first foster-mother – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just automatically and instantaneously activate and go into a protection mechanism within the mind when encountering or facing a being that in some way show any form of pattern/behavior/mannerism which I perceive to be based on superiority, authority and/or dominance as that which are part of and activates the protection mechanism that I have formed within the mind, and in this I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself as who I am, how I experience myself and how I decide to behave within a moment when perceiving another person to show a pattern of superiority/authority/dominance, where I automatically and instinctively go into a state of inferiority due to thinking and believing that I require to avoid and prevent any possibility of triggering an experience of ‘being challenged’ within the other person in the sense of the being interpreting it as though I am not obeying, conforming, submitting and subduing – as I think and believe that if I in any way trigger, activate or generate such interpretation/perception within the other then that would result in the other being feeling the need to take it to an extreme to state and show that I am not to think that I have the right to stand up for myself in the sense of indicating that I am self-confident, assertive or believe myself to be anything else than inadequate to the other being – and so within this not seeing or realizing how I am actually in fact self-sabotaging through accepting and allowing myself to go into a state of inferiority as I am the one living according to MY own self-created beliefs in the sense of how I have formed an idea in regards to how I think that others will react and experience themselves as that which gets triggered and activated through who I am within a moment – not seeing or realizing that I cannot in fact ever know how each and every individual will react to who or how I am, but that I am basing this idea and belief on memories and past events of how ONE single individual would react – and where I was the one that formed the link and connection between that one single individuals reaction and who I perceived myself to be and behave, wherein I see and realize that I interpreted it as though the only thing that would reduce and prevent the reactions within the being was if and when I took on an inferiority-character – and through all of this I see, realize and understand that I am self-sabotaging through accepting and allowing myself to form and shape my life and who I am, and decide to be within specific situations/moments, according to that one experience that I had with one individual in relation to what I perceived to trigger and activate reactions within the person’s mind – where I am merely reacting to my own memories and assumptions instead of being here in every moment and so decide to simply be me, stand stable and observe every situation without veiling it with expectations, assumptions and anticipations.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to unquestionably trust the protection mechanism that I have formed within the mind in regards to who I believe that I have to be and become when seeing a pattern within another that in any way show and indicate dominance/authority/superiority – where I have just blindly, habitually and continuously accepted and allowed myself to follow and comply with the belief and idea of it being imperative and necessary that I change myself to protect myself – but within that not seeing and realizing that I am making assumptions in the sense of supposing that my life, my safety and I am at risk if I remain stable, assertive and confident, if I remain here, being me, while facing a person that I perceive to show and indicate superiority/authority/dominance, and within that not ever giving myself the opportunity to find out what would actually in real, practical, physical reality happen if I allowed myself to simply stand with the being, observing and assessing that which exists directly as the physical, where I direct myself to remain stable and face whatever may/might emerge – as I see and realize that the beliefs and ideas that I have formed are based on memories of past events and that I am thus making my assessment of how and who to be within a moment based on situations occurring in the past – which reveals to me that I cannot trust the beliefs, ideas and assessments that I make of how or who I require to be within a situation as my starting-point and outset is not based on or representing the here and now or who/how another being is – because instead I am merely reacting to points that I have taught myself to see as ‘alarming’ but am within that not at all seeing the real reality as I am instead getting caught up in and preoccupied with what I imagine to be here – and I see and realize that anything that does not exist directly here as the physical is the mind and is thus not to be trusted or conformed to.

• When and as I am faced with or am encountering an individual that I perceive to, in any way, show a pattern that is based on superiority/authority/dominance and where I see that the ‘protection-mechanism’ that I have formed within the mind gets activated in the sense of seeing myself wanting and feeling the need to go into a pattern of subduing and suppressing myself to show that ‘I am not challenging you’ – I immediately stop and take a deep breath – where I commit myself to take self-responsibility through no more accepting and allowing myself to just blindly and instinctively go into a state of inferiority but instead break this habit through directing myself immediately within a moment where I see that I am faced with a being that I am reacting to/towards due to perceiving the being to show any form of pattern that in any way reminds me of a pattern within the foster-mother – to within such situation take my power back to me, where I take a stance within myself to not go into and not follow the belief of it being necessary for me to change myself as who I am to not risk my own safety – but instead I bring myself back to here, where I make sure that I only participate in that which exists directly as the physical – to within that take the decision to remain stable within myself through utilizing breath, where I ground myself, and within that focus on being me, on showing myself that I do have the capacity to direct myself and to decide for myself who I am going to be within any given moment – and therefor I commit myself take this responsibility, to live this responsibility for myself to make sure that I practically practice on standing stable within myself no matter external circumstances and other people – and so walk this until it is a constant, living principle of me, of who I am.

The Torment of Being Falsely Accused - Day 405

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally through going into fear, shame and self-blame when perceiving it as though I am getting accused of something by another and when interpreting it as though the person is disappointed or angry at me - no matter if I have actually done what I perceive myself to be accused of or not, wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a pattern activated by fear, in where I immediately react when I perceive another to accuse me of having done something which the other person do not agree with or approve of and in where I automatically and instantaneously go into the belief and idea that I have to protect and defend myself through ensuring that I prevent the other from creating a perpetuated definition and opinion of me that is based on negativity due to that which I am being accused of - wherein I think and believe that I require to explain myself in the best possible way so that I can remove the experience/reaction that came up within another and so replace it with an explanation that I think and believe can ‘repair’ and compensate for the initial reaction that got triggered within the person, as an explanation and thus experience that is based on a positive energy instead of negative – where I see and realize that I have created a pattern wherein I think and believe that I require to protect myself from negatively charged experiences within others due to believing that such experiences can result in my safety being threatened – as I have connected this point of ‘being accused of something’ to the consequences I would be faced with when this occurred while I lived with the first foster family – and so perpetuated the pattern of instantly going into fear when perceiving myself to get accused by another, not seeing and realizing how such pattern is really in fact not helping me within my current living and life – as I see and realize that when I am within a reaction of fear I cannot see real reality or what is practically here – and that I will react to every perceived similarity to the patterns that I saw within the foster mother as a consequence of the protection mechanism I have formed within the mind – instead of seeing and realizing that such protection mechanism isn’t protecting me at all but is rather making it impossible for me to stand stable within myself and so see real reality in the sense of facing and practically walking through a situation of perceiving myself to be accused by another into a solution – which I see and realize is only possible when I take the decision to stop the fear, stop the reactions and stop the automatic pattern of attempting and trying to protect myself through inducing positive experiences through a satisfying explanation – and I realize that the solution within these situations would be to first of all making sure that I remove any and every form of internal reaction and so stand with myself in clarity and awareness where I furthermore move myself practically to investigate the situation, whether I am even being accused of something or not, and so communicate with another to find an actual, real solution that is best for both in the sense of clearing up possible misunderstandings/misinterpretations and self-honestly, and with taking self-responsibility, investigate that which I perceive myself to be accused of.

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that what I am reacting to is actually in fact my own interpretation and perception of being accused – wherein I am essentially reacting to myself as a consequence of my self-created fear of what another may/might think of me due to what I believe myself to be accused of and so how the person will see me, think about me and feel about me in the continuation – and that through accepting and allowing myself to participate within such imaginary reality I am getting distracted from participating within that which are really in fact real, and thus preventing myself from finding and coming to a real solution since I am not even capable of seeing the problem as I am preoccupied within my imagination – which I realize isn’t a real representation of what is really in fact occurring – and so I see and realize that to be able to face and walk through a problem, conflict or misunderstanding I require to bring myself out of the mind-reality as imagination and back into real reality as that which exists directly as the physical.    

• Within this I commit myself to assist and support myself within moments and situations where I think, believe and perceive that I am being accused of something by another – through within that slow myself down through breathing and thus prevent myself from going into the automatic pattern of reaction – and so in this make sure that I have slowed myself down and grounded myself here, where I can look at things within awareness and clarity – where I commit myself to re-instruct myself and change the pattern of wanting to immediately explain myself and remove the negatively charged experience that I perceive within another, to instead look at a solution – where I make sure that I stand within me stable, that I do not accept and allow myself to participate within fear but instead place my attention within practical, physical reality through asking questions, through finding out if another person is even accusing me of something or if I merely interpreted it as though I was accused due to my own internal reactions and so reacting to my own mind – and so from there I make sure that I am really seeing reality in terms of first make sure that I am removing my own reactions so that I can participate in that which exists directly as the physical reality and where I direct myself to open the point up through communicating with the being that I perceive to accuse me, through simply asking questions and clearing up any misunderstandings – where I commit myself to ensure that I am self-honest within my approach from the perspective of making sure that my starting-point is not based on the attempt to please another or wanting to say something to remove any possible negatively charged reactions/experiences within the other but that my starting-point is instead based on finding a real solution through communication, self-responsibility and self-honesty.

Surviving The Trauma Caused By an Adult's Abuse - Day 404

The constant fear of ‘getting caught’ by the first foster mother while doing something apparently wrong/bad. Getting caught in the sense of doing something that I believed could, in some way, trigger/activate/generate negatively charged experiences or reactions within the foster mother – walking on eggshells all the time, constantly afraid of her walking in on me when I was alone due to perceiving it as though everything I did could, and would, trigger reactions within her. Completely paranoid at all times due to seeing how she would think that I had, and accuse me of having done stuff which I hadn't even done. Accusing me of using her expensive shampoo, accusing me of throwing up, hiding food, not eating, stealing chocolate, accusing me of not doing as I was told etc.

• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to live in constant fear of getting caught or having the foster mother walk in on me while I was alone due to thinking and believing that all I did and all I was, was ‘wrong’, bad, inadequate and anger-provocative – thinking and believing that no matter what I did or how I did it, I did it wrong and not good enough, and through/due to this consequentially forming an idea of it being just who I was as a person that was the problem since no matter how I changed my behavior and mannerism, I still got the same response from the foster mother, and within this not seeing and realizing that the fact that I did change and attempted to do my best to please her in every way possible, it still didn’t result in any changes within her or her experience and reactions towards me – and so I see and realize that it wasn’t even about me, it wasn’t about who I was as a person but that it rather had to do with her internal reality and that I would merely stand as and become a point that she could project her reactions onto and take it out on – and in this I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to in a way deliberately utilize her abuse to be able to feed and empower the already existing self-belief of myself as being worthless and useless – where I see and realize that I was still responsible for not ever accepting and allowing myself to start questioning and investigating whether another person’s reactions to and towards me really did represent the real me or the totality of who I was – but would instead invert the reactions and patterns that I saw in the foster mother through repetitively thinking that I was wrong, that who I was as a person was simply just a worthless piece of crap and so incredibly bad that no matter what I did, I would inevitably trigger and generate negative reactions of anger and disapproval within another – not seeing or realizing that no matter how I changed myself and no matter how I aligned myself with what I was told, I was still faced with the foster mother’s outbursts – and within this I do see, realize and understand that I wasn’t even the cause/source/origin of her internal reactions and experiences but that I never exposed that fact to myself, that I did not even give myself an opportunity to consider the fact that I wasn’t responsible for another person’s reaction because within me I had an already existing belief and idea of myself that was based on negativity, so the foster mother would essentially just confirm the beliefs that I already had lingering in the back of my head to me.

• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of myself and empower the belief of myself as being worthless and useless due to not seeing and realizing that I was not the reason for the foster mother’s reactions and I furthermore forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take self-responsibility within my current living and life but have instead accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously go back into the pattern of being ashamed of myself whenever I perceive another person to react in a similar way as the foster mother would when I did something apparently ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’ – instead of seeing and realizing that I am always, with no exceptions, the one that takes the decision to go into such experiences and back-chats about myself – wherein I see and realize that I am self-sabotaging through accepting and allowing myself to invert the reactions of another since I am within that embracing, empowering and feeding an already existing self-belief of myself through internally deciding to interpret and perceive another person’s reactions to be ‘my fault’ and a consequence of my worthlessness and uselessness and my apparent provocative nature – instead of, within such moments, deciding to direct myself, to change myself and to once and for all stop feeding such self-beliefs as I see and realize that it is not who I am, that it is just based on memories wherein I have taught myself to see myself in a specific way and that accepting and allowing myself to still give myself the right to access such definitions and beliefs even when realizing that it is not me, indicates deliberate self-sabotage wherein I realize that the only reason for why I would obey and comply with such bullshit coming up within the mind as a response to seeing another person reacting in a way that reminds me of the reactions within the foster-mother would be because I decide that I would like to feel like shit – and so therefor I see, realize and understand that I am fully responsible for how I decide to respond within my mind when I see a similarity to the patterns that I perceived within the foster-mother within another, and so I realize that I do have the tools of which to utilize within such moments to stop the alarm, to stop the protection-mechanism and so instead decide not to invert it, not to simulate an imaginary reality within the mind wherein I imagine that the words that I tell myself within the mind are the thoughts of the other person – because I see, realize and understand that the shit that comes up within my mind is my shit, it is not representing what another thinks of me and either way I still have the capacity, the ability and the responsibility to not accept and allow such abuse within me, to not accept and allow myself, as the one that I am going to stand and live with for the rest of my life, to be a bully, to be someone that does not assist and support me – I mean, if anything I should be the one that, at all times, makes sure that I stand with me, that I stand by my side deciding to assist and support myself no matter the situation I am in and no matter the reactions I perceive to come up within another.

• I commit myself to take self-responsibility for the fear I have created to and towards reactions within others that I perceive to be similar to the foster mother’s reactions – through seeing and realizing that the reactions that emerges within me is a result of the protection-mechanism that I have formed, wherein I will essentially react to anyone, anything and everything that reminds me of or that I perceive to be similar to the behaviors/patterns within the foster mother – but that when such reaction emerge within me I still have the capacity and ability and the responsibility to stop, to take my power back to me and so decide to stand by my side – supporting me – and so therefor I commit myself to no more accept and allow myself to just automatically and instantaneously go into the mind and blame myself for a perception I have formed in regards to another person reacting due to who I am – but instead I take charge of who I am where I re-instruct myself to take a moment, breathe myself out of any reaction that got activated within me and in this I commit myself to take self-responsibility through realizing that anything that comes up within my mind as a response to what I perceive to get activated as a reaction within another, is my responsibility – is my own self-sabotage, so if I feel like shit or allow myself to back-chat about how useless and worthless I am, then that is simply me, self-sabotaging – which I no more accept and allow myself to participate within or stand for – no, I do not accept and allow myself to stand for self-sabotage but instead I make sure that I slow myself down when seeing myself participating within self-beliefs and in that stop my participation, I breathe, and I direct myself to only participate in that which exists directly as the physical – where I focus on being here, within my physical body, within this physical existence and thus make sure that I change this pattern, that I let go of this pattern – so that I can give myself the opportunity to establish the principle of always standing by my side as a living decision of who I am in every moment of breath.

The Lingering Effect of Trauma - Day 403

“Now – the Mind is the Product of your Environment and the Events that took place in your life, and the Events that you Learned from.”

“So, if you for instance have a Program due to Trauma where You Have Immense Fear for a Person, you will Create in the Mind – and the Mind will virtually do it by Itself because You’re Not really Aware that you are doing it – You will Create a Mechanism through which you would Detect according to your Environment, the Possibility of People in your Environment that May Cause such Trauma again, and you will end up Seeing the person that Caused the Trauma Everywhere. Now obviously the Person Doesn’t Exist, the Person Only Exists in the Mechanism that You’ve Created through which you are Attempting to Protect Yourself from such Trauma and therefore Any Person that in Any Way will Show Any form of the Patterns which are Part of your Protection mechanism in the Mind will Immediately bring up Paranoia and you’ll immediately ‘Not Like the Person,’ you’ll Immediately want to be Out of their Environment as Much as Possible, Not Communicate with them/ Stay Away from them because all they’re going to do is – according to Your Mechanism – they’re going to Abuse you and therefore you will Move Yourself out of that Environment to Protect yourself.” -Bernard Poolman  - Day 397: Paranoia and Stopping the Mind

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and live within and according to a fear of triggering or activating negatively charged internal conversations, opinions, experiences or reactions within other beings through my behavior or words due to having associated and connected such occurrences to my past living conditions, where I see and realize that I developed and manifested an intense fear of activating or triggering anger/frustration/disapproval/discontentment within others due to the consequences I would be faced with when perceiving myself to having triggered such reactions within the first foster mother I had – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to and continue living with this protection-mechanism that I would create in the past as an attempt to protect myself from trauma through suppressing, hiding and aligning myself with that which I saw wouldn’t trigger negatively charged reactions/experiences/thoughts within the foster mother – not seeing or realizing that this pattern and mechanism is not assisting or supporting me in any way what so ever in my current living since I am fully capable of protecting/defending myself and standing up for myself through simply utilizing common sense and practical consideration in terms of assessing the situations I am in and through that make sure that I take self-responsibility for my words and behavior, and to also realize that, yes, there is always a possibility of other people reacting in anger/frustration/disapproval/discontentment, no matter who or how I am really, because I can in no way know how other people’s entire mind is set up and what may/might trigger reactions within others – so all I can do is to be me, to make sure that I treat others as I would like to be treated without suppressing/hiding myself or going in with the starting-point of constantly assessing and attempting to decode what/who/how another person would prefer me to be where I am trying to trigger or generate positive experiences but to rather focus on being me, and if or when I see another reacting I realize that it is not actually something personal but that it is due to how that specific individual have created and constructed their mind – and that if a situation would emerge wherein I see that my safety is at risk I do have the capacity to remove myself from the situation – and so within this I see, realize and understand that fearing other’s possible reactions are actually completely unnecessary as I do have the tools, the understanding and the capacity to assess a situation/moment with common sense and thus decide in every moment what is best for all – but that accepting and allowing myself to live in constant fear and worry about triggering/generating/activating negatively charged reactions within another is really not assisting or supporting me and does not help me in any kind of way – that it is in fact just preventing me from trusting myself and from standing stable within myself and focusing on being me.

• When and as I see that I am going into the mechanism of trying to protect myself from the possibility of having to face the consequences that I perceive is going to happen if I in some way activate/trigger/generate negatively charged reactions within another person, and in where I see myself going into fear due to perceiving a pattern/behavior/words/tonality/’sign’ within another, that I have connected and linked to the foster mothers patterns/behaviors/words/tonality and where I thus see myself activating this mechanism through fear – I immediately stop and breathe – where I see, realize and understand that the reaction of fear got triggered because someone in some way represented/showed a pattern which I have linked to the foster mother and which thus activates the protection mechanism within the mind, but that it is not necessary for me to react in fear, hide or suppress myself – and so therefor I commit myself to in the continuation be aware of this tendency and through that immediately stop and breathe when I see myself activating this defense and protection mechanism, where I re-instruct myself to instead participate in that which exists directly as the physical – to assess the physical situation that I am in with common sense and practical consideration to within that stand as the directive principle of me, where I see and realize that it is only when I am here, participating in what is actually practically and physically occurring that I can assess the situation and decide what is best within the moment – and so therefor I no more accept and allow myself to just automatically and instantaneously go into the pattern of fear whenever I see a dimension/aspect within another that reminds me of the foster mother – but to within such moments instead take a breath, slow myself down and look at the situation practically – where I bring my power back to me, where I stand up for myself and so trust myself – because within this I see, realize and understand that within these situations I am essentially becoming the scared child that I once was, and that hiding and suppressing myself is of no need, that I am fully capable of standing with myself, standing up for myself and practically assess what is best in any given moment.

Can You Control What Others Will Think of You? - Day 401

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the outcome and possible consequences of people not forming a positive opinion, perception and idea of me – in where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my safety, my life and I would be in danger and threatened if and when another person/people would form opinions, ideas or perceptions of me that are based on negativity and disapproval and that I thus have to protect myself, my life and my own safety through making sure that who I am when being with or around others/another is aligned with what that specific person/people prefer and approves of and so aligned with what will activate and generate positive reactions and responses within the beings/being that I am encountering – not seeing or realizing that I can in no way control other people’s reactions or responses – because I see and realize that people will react differently to different types of behaviors within people – which then shows me that how a person reacts or respond to a certain behavior or another being is merely a result of how that person has created their mind, where the opinions and possible experiences are merely products of memories – which I see within myself and so realize within myself, that what I react to and how I react, what activates, triggers and generates experiences and reactions and responses within me through external circumstances and other people, are merely products and results of my past, my memories in regards to what I have connected to certain conditions, behaviors, words, pictures etc. wherein the things I’ll see and hear through others, through their words and behaviors, are something that I have, within the mind, formed and linked specific experiences, perceptions, ideas and opinions to and towards – but it has nothing to do with the person/people I meet here and now, since the opinions and experiences already exists within me – and they merely get triggered and activated by certain conditions and situations as a result of the memories that I have formed and linked to certain behaviors, words etc. – and so, I see realize and understand that fearing other people’s minds, that fearing the possibility of standing as a point or dimension that will trigger, activate and generate negatively charged opinions, experiences and perceptions within another/other people is really conditioning and compromising and limiting my life and my relationship to me – where I see and realize that what I want for myself within my life and within my relationship to me and my relationship with others is for me to focus on BEING ME, on living the courage to stand for, stand by and stand WITH who I am in the sense of assisting and supporting myself to be stable within myself, and so trust myself within who I AM in every moment – that living my life in fear of how others entire mind works is very, very silly, as I see and realize that I cannot control others reactions since reactions and opinions and responses are merely outflows and outcomes of the person’s past and memories and their history, childhood and so what they have been presented with within their lives – and I realize that who I am will be seen through a veil and layer that are based on the beings past as their inhabited preferences and the specific connections they have formed and linked between behaviors/words and internal responses/experiences.

• And so therefor I commit myself to assist and support myself in practical reality when I am encountering or participating with other beings through being aware of the tendency I have of going into fear of not pleasing and getting approval from others due to the belief and idea that my safety, my life and I am at risk if the self-image that I present in some way activates, triggers or generates negatively charged opinions, perceptions and experiences within another or other people – and so within that I commit myself to practically support myself when and as I see myself going into fear of other people’s possible reactions/experiences/opinions and so the urge to mold, adjust and change myself to protect myself and ensure that I do not contribute to activating negatively charged experiences within another – where I within this stop and breathe, where I see and realize that I cannot control other people’s reactions or the process behind what triggers reactions, opinions and experiences within another’s mind – and within that I also realize that it’s the mind’s reaction, not even the real person – therefor I commit myself to direct myself out of the fear, bring myself back to here where I stand up within myself and decide to focus on BEING ME, and so, within moments where I see that I am accessing fear of triggering reactions that are based on negativity within other people’s minds I re-instruct myself to stop my participation in fear and instead focus on being me, where I no more accept and allow myself to live my life in fear of how others entire mind works but to instead establish and live the courage to be me and so trust myself and my capacity to stand up for myself, as I realize that I now have the capacity to protect and stand up for myself, thus I do not require or need to fear other’s negatively charged internal experiences.

The Toxic Fear of What Other People Might Think of You - Day 400

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being aligned with how other people would prefer and want me to be in the context of who I am, how I behave and how I look – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to mold, shape and adjust myself as the totality of who I am depending on who I am encountering, where I just instantaneously and automatically go into this pattern of adjusting, changing, molding and shaping myself with the starting-point of wanting, needing and desiring to attain the perception and interpretation of being someone that satisfies and pleases the person’s/people’s personal preferences in regards to what they appreciate, like and what activates and generates positive reactions and feelings within the individuals that I am facing.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being rejected by others/another person – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being faced with situations or moments where I perceive that who I am activates and generates negatively charged thoughts and experiences within another being – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I am rejected by another person/others or am activating negatively charged experiences or thoughts within another then that would mean, and be an evidence of the fact that I am not good enough and that who I am is not a worthwhile person – where I will thus allow myself to attempt and try to mold and shape myself so that I can avoid and prevent others from forming perceptions and opinions of me that are based on negativity due to thinking and believing that if I fail to make a ‘positive impression’ but instead activates and generates negative responses/reactions within others then I will consequentially HAVE TO feel inadequate, humiliated, less than, worthless, useless, self-hate and so on.

• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am taking the decision to utilize my perception of being rejected by others to confirm the judgments and opinions that I already have of myself in regards to being inadequate, less than, worthless, useless etc. – wherein such opinions and definitions does already exist within me through my acceptances and allowances in my relationship to myself – and that that is the only reason for why I would fear being rejected by others – because within this I see, realize and understand that if I would not have any negatively charged experiences and thoughts about myself within myself, that if I would not allow any form of self-judgment, then I would not be able to make such connection within the mind in relation to gauging my self-worth and self-value according to the perception I form of what reactions/thoughts/experiences I generate and activate within others – and I see and realize that what I see in others are merely reflections of myself, of my own experiences of me  - of my own self-relationship, wherein I see and realize that I am, every single day, rejecting myself, activating and generating negatively charged thoughts and experiences about myself – wherein I am the one that do not respect and accept myself and have consequentially thus placed such responsibility on others and so also given away the decision of who I am through accepting and allowing myself to define and decide who I am based on what I think and believe others to think and feel about me, what I think, believe and perceive myself to activate and generate within others – and I forgive myself that I have, for so long, for too long, accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to create and become a self, as I am, that would be seen as acceptable and adequate for others where I never allowed myself to let go of the idea and belief that I can only accept myself and respect myself and love myself when I am confirmed as good enough by others, when I can confirm that I have removed the possibility of activating negatively charged thoughts and experiences within others – not seeing or realizing that this possibility will inevitably exist as a possible outcome within my mind for as long as I allow myself to define and gauge my self-worth according to how I think and believe others to see and feel about me, because I cannot remove the possibility of activating negatively charged thoughts and experiences within myself as a response to the perception I form of my external world’s response to me through changing who I am externally – that for as long as I allow myself to judge and form negative opinions of me I will consequentially see such judgments and opinions within others as reflections of what I internally accept and allow.

• And so I see and realize that to stop fearing rejection within my world I require to stop rejecting myself through thoughts, words and deeds – I require to bring this point back to me and instead of trying to change and mold myself as an attempt to align myself with others personal preferences as what and who they prefer others to be, I have to focus on the real problem here – which is what I accept and allow within me, what I accept and allow myself to define and judge and hate myself for and why it is that I just do not want to stop hating and judging and bullying myself, what is the secret agenda here? What is it that I want to achieve? Because I realize that I can, in every moment, take that decision to stop, to stop projecting my self-judgments onto others, to stop finding excuses for why I am inadequate, to stop manipulating myself into thinking and believing that it is legitimate and justifiable for me to hate and judge and blame myself if I have managed to interpret it as though the initial rejection or disapproval came from another or others. And so why wouldn’t I stop this? Why would I want to continue?

• And so therefor I commit myself to really investigate, open up and look at this construct in regards to the value I place into the perception I form of what others think and feel about me, in regards to the desire, want and need to activate and generate certain thoughts and experiences within others and in regards to the fear of triggering negatively charged emotions and thoughts within others – where I see and realize that what I think that I am generating, activating and triggering within another/others are merely just a reflection of what I think and feel about myself, what I allow myself to generate and activate within me – and so I commit myself to stop projecting, to stop separating myself from me through fearing others rejection and experiences of me to instead see and realize that what I do fear is how I experience myself as a response to the perception I form of what others think and experience – and the opinions I believe others to form of me are just revealing and showing me the opinion I allow to exist within me of myself – and therefor, through my writings, self-forgiveness and self-correction, I commit myself to walk through this, to face this me that I have created myself as and in that bring all the pieces back to me in the sense of taking self-responsibility for what I accept and allow within my relationship with me and so no more accept and allow myself to mold and shape myself to attempt and try to avoid and prevent rejection but to instead make sure that I stop rejecting myself, that I stop judging and blaming and hating myself and within that see and realize that the reason for why I would fear external rejection is due to self-rejection in thoughts, words and deeds.

You're Not to Think You are Good at Anything - Day 399

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must not, and have ‘no right to’, come across as self-confident in class and on upcoming exams after not having done well on the latest exam – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others and the teacher will perceive it as though I am not aware of how bad I performed in my latest exam or that people/the teacher will perceive it as though I am not ashamed of my bad performance if I come across as confident.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to be ashamed of my most recent performance within the previous exam to show myself and others/the teacher that ‘I am better than that’ and that I am punishing myself through being ashamed, that I am disciplining myself through being hard on myself and blaming myself – where I feel the need to show and state that I am not proud of my former performance, that I do not in any way accept such bad performance, through acting and going into the experience of shame and self-criticism – where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to show the teacher how ‘bad I feel’ and how I in no way accept such bad results – that I in no way accept myself when I have performed ‘so lousy’ – and within that accepting and allowing my continued participation within school to suffer and get conditioned through accepting and allowing myself to fear acting and coming across in any other way than as being ashamed and embarrassed, where I see and realize that I am empowering and generating the experiences of being unconfident, self-doubtful, nervous and anxious which are experienced that will really not help me within my participation in my upcoming exam – as I have seen and realized that these experiences will rather prevent me from actually showing my capacity and I am within this merely trapping myself as I see and realize that accepting and allowing myself to be unconfident and self-doubting does inevitably lead to a lesser capacity to perform well and allowing such experiences are thus deliberate self-sabotage – and I mean; am I willing to lower my grade even more just because I fear coming off as confident when I believe that I should be ashamed?

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that being hard on myself and blaming myself whenever I perceive my external performances/achievements/participation to be imperfect or not good enough indicates that I am ‘self-aware’ and that it makes me ‘a better person’ since I am at least then apparently aware of my inadequacies and showing/stating to others and so to myself that I do not accept this from myself, that I am not unaware of, stand for or am proud of myself and my performances/participation/achievements - where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and define being hard on myself as something that is positive and a good thing that makes me ‘a good person’ – not seeing or realizing how being hard on myself and blaming myself has never in fact lead me to becoming better at what I externally do or helped me performing better – since I within this become so preoccupied with blaming and being hard on myself that I consequentially prevent myself from really trusting myself and so standing within and as self-confidence when being faced with a situation wherein my capacity is being ‘tested’.

• And so I see, realize and understand that to be able to do my best within my upcoming exam I require to direct myself out of shame and self-blame and so instead decide to stand as self-confidence and self-trust, where I see and realize that I am only able to do my actual best when I do not allow a simultaneous internal fight and conflict – because when I allow myself to participate within shame and being hard on myself I am literally fighting with myself where what I would need is to work  and walk with me – and therefor I commit myself to assist and support myself in the continuation through making sure that I move myself out of self-doubt and do not accept and allow myself to be hard on myself due to perceiving myself to having performed lousy in my latest exam – but to instead let go of and give myself a clear and new opportunity where I do not accept and allow the belief of myself as being a better person and/or coming off as more aware if I am appearing as ashamed and disappointed at myself to influence and control my participation within my upcoming exam. Instead I commit myself to support myself when I see that I am being hard on myself through immediately directing myself back to here where I commit myself to walk with myself in and as who I am, here – where I see and realize that it is only me blaming myself, and that this will not help me in any kind of way and so therefor I re-instruct myself to stand on my own side in the sense of not accepting and allowing myself to continue this pattern of following and complying with the need to be seen as ‘a good person’ for recognizing my apparent inadequacies – but instead I focus on being here, standing with me and so doing my best through moving myself out of self-blame and back to here through breathing – where I commit myself to give myself this opportunity to explore and investigate how it would be like to no more accept and allow self-blame to influence and control me.

Living Self-Confidence When Faced With Challenges - Day 398

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my self-esteem and self-confidence in school to be and become dependent on how well I perceive myself to perform within exams and assignments – where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of being insecure and unconfident when and as I perceive myself not to perform as well as I normally do – and I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become dependent on attaining the experience of performing well for me to be able to feel and be confident – where I see and realize that I have allowed the experience of self-doubt to just take over and decide who I am, without me even questioning the experience due to thinking and believing that it is right, justified and legitimate for me to doubt myself and feel insecure when I have not performed well, thinking and believing that that gives me a free-pass to doubt myself and feel insecure – not seeing or realizing that this is an automated pattern that I have formed , where I am the one who gives my consent to self-doubt as a response of perceiving myself to having performed bad, but that just because I haven’t performed well does not mean that I have to or am obligated to doubt myself or let my confidence get influenced.

• Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take for granted and assume that whether I doubt myself or am confident will and must be determined by my external performance – wherein I would never, within or throughout my life, allow myself to establish real self-assurance and self-confidence but would instead just blindly accept and allow myself to believe that such points can merely be lived when, and as a result of, one’s external performances/achievements – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate this belief through living accordingly, wherein I would accept and allow myself to just blindly and unquestionably allow myself to limit myself within my relationship to me through not seeing and realizing that self-confidence and self-assurance can only be lived as constant points/parts within me when and as they are just that, lived, from the within to the without, as a decision and self-movement – and so I see and realize that when I am searching and looking for confidence outside of myself, within my performances and the things that I participate within, I am forming a dependency and am not at all taking responsibility for creating the self and the life that it is that I would really want for myself, but am rather looking and searching for aspects that I require within my relationship with me outside of myself – which I see and realize will inevitably lead to dependency, where I allow myself to become dependent on  the perception of performing well for me to be able to feel confident, when all the while I could have and can decide to give myself and live self-confidence as a living principle of me – to stop looking and searching outside of myself and to instead move and direct myself out of self-doubt and stop the pattern of letting my external performance determine how and who I am within myself and so without.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form expectations and/or anticipations according to the perception I have formed of how I have performed previously, wherein my latest performance within an exam/assignment determines what I expect/anticipate for the future in the sense of how I believe that I will perform in upcoming exams/assignments, wherein I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself the opportunity of always standing within myself, trusting me, and thus doing my best without anticipating or expecting any specific result but to instead live self-confidence no matter how ‘well’ I managed to perform in my latest exam/assignment.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I should not, and have no right to, be self-confident if and when I perceive my latest performance within school/an assignment/exam to be ‘bad’ – and wherein I have thus allowed my starting-point behind my continued participation, as the starting-point I have within the next exam/assignment, be and become influenced and determined by previous results – where I am holding on to past performances and thus expecting bad results if I did not perform well in the latest assignment/exam – instead of always giving myself a clean slate where I make sure that I let go of past results and instead make sure that I stand, within who I am as self-confidence, and so move myself to do my best in what is here now.

• In this I commit myself to assist and support myself to live self-confidence through no more just blindly accepting and allowing myself to go into self-doubt when I perceive my results and performances within school to be bad or not as good as they normally are – but to instead become aware of this tendency of just unquestionably believing that it is impossible and not legitimate for me to be confident within myself if and when I have not attained good results within my external participation – so therefor I commit myself to support myself within moments where I see that the experience of self-doubt starts to emerge within me, where I within such situations/moments stop, take a moment to breathe, and so re-instruct myself where I stop giving my consent to self-doubt to tell me who I am or what I am capable of – and so within that I instead make sure that I let go of past results/performances through realizing that I cannot change it, I can only make sure that I give myself the opportunity here and now to do my best – which I commit myself to do through making sure that I direct myself out of the experience of self-doubt that are based on past performances/results and so stand as and live self-confidence as a directive decision and movement.