Facing The Storms Of Life By Yourself - Day 409

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others or another will think or believe that I am in some way dependent on, in need of or reliant on that person – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an immediate reaction of anger and aversion when and as I perceive a pattern within another that indicates that that person thinks or believes that I expect something or anything from that being or am in some way dependent, in need of or reliant on that person – where I see and realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fear to and towards becoming dependent on or in some way count on another; from the perspective of expecting something from another or expecting another to be here for me when I, in some way, would require or be in need of assistance or support – as I within that have linked and connected such dependency to undoubtedly and definitely getting disappointed, deceived and let down – and where I thus turn this fear of getting let down by another into anger, where I see and realize that I have formed an automatic pattern wherein I push people away through anger, exclusion, spitefulness and aversion as an attempt to protect myself from getting disappointed, deceived or let down in the future – where I am projecting myself into the future and accessing memories of my past wherein I experienced such scenarios with the beings that supposed to be responsible for taking care of me – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I may or might, within a relationship with another being, create assumptions in relation to expecting that the other being will be there for me, assist or help me in situations or moments where I have formed the presumption that the other being would respond through standing by my side when I am faced with something that I perceive as difficult or hard to walk through and face on my own  – and so within this fear accepting and allowing myself to push people away through utilizing anger, spitefulness and exclusion immediately when or if I perceive another to in some way show any form of pattern that implies that the other person thinks or believes that I expect something, am in need of or dependent on that being – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and assume that if another person forms the idea and belief of me as being dependent on, in need of or reliant on that person in any kind of way, then such idea and belief would further result in the other being feeling obligated to assist and support me – as though it is a duty rather than the other being actually wanting to stand by my side and/or face and walk through something together with me - and through this I see, realize and understand that I have formed this pattern in where I react in anger, aversion, spitefulness and push people away as a response within situations/moments wherein I interpret it as though the other person’s starting-point and underlying reason for assisting/supporting/standing by my side is based and founded on an experience of obligation – where I see how the interpretation I form within the mind of another person, feeling obligated to stand by my side will activate a program and pattern within me where the intention is to show another that I absolutely do not need no one and that I definitely do not expect another to be there for me.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project and superimpose anger onto another if or when I perceive the person to show any form of pattern that I perceive as an indication of that being thinking or believing that I expect assistance or support in any kind of way – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond to such interpreted pattern through excluding and ostracizing the other – and I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this anger that comes up within me in situations where I perceive another to think or believe that I expect something from or am dependent on that being, is actually self-anger – because within this I see, realize and understand that these instances/circumstances are triggering self-anger within me – where I become angry with myself as a result of seeing that I have allowed myself to form expectations, a dependency and attachment to another person – that I have allowed myself to ‘become vulnerable’ from the perspective of accepting and allowing myself to get influenced by who and how another person decides to be and so whether or not another person decides to stand by my side when I am faced with and have to walk through something difficult – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become angry at and blame myself when I see myself getting disappointed as a response to another person’s behavior and/or decision of who to be in relation to that which I am faced with and have to walk through – in where I see and realize that when I notice that I get influenced in any kind of way due to another person’s decision of who to be as a response to who I am or what I am faced with, I will immediately go into self-anger – due to thinking and believing that letting myself get influenced by another person’s behavior is an indication of me, accepting and allowing myself to not be independent and strong enough but rather having allowed myself to become  weak and stupid for expecting or wanting a specific response from another person – where these situations become moments where I am in a way telling myself ‘I told you so’ in spitefulness, where I blame myself for not living according to the principle of ‘trust no one’.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and form a general idea about people wherein I think and believe that others are not to be trusted, that others will always betray, lie and leave, that allowing myself to assume or expect something or anything from another will always with no exceptions lead to disappointment, that I am not to count on or expect others to support or help me when I require assistance, that I am not to think that others would want to help me if I would to ask for assistance, that others will always leave or in some way deceive, that allowing myself to in any way get attached to another is the most dangerous thing I can expose myself to – and within this not seeing or realizing how this indicates a total lack of self-trust, as I am within this expecting and assuming that I cannot trust myself to be able to stand stable within situations where I perceive others to betray, live, leave, let down, deceive etc. – thus thinking and believing that I require to prevent myself from ever exposing myself to such conditions – instead of seeing and realizing that what I rather would require as a point of prevention is for me to incorporate and really live self-trust and self-support – where I rather learn and practically live within self-stability in my self-relationship, trusting myself and so my capacity to face situations and have relationships with other beings without having to fear others possible behaviors but rather stand within myself, trusting myself and so realize that all I need is me, is my self-trust, is my commitment to not disappoint myself or let myself down from the perspective of not living self-care and thus supporting myself no matter external circumstances/situations – wherein I see and realize that what I would require is for me to really understand that what I for certainty can trust is myself and my capacity to direct myself within a situation to support myself, to make sure that I stand by my side, wherein I realize that another or others behaviors or what another decides to do are not to be taken personally, as I see and realize that a decision made by another is never in fact caused by me and so not my responsibility.

• When and as I think and believe that I see a pattern within another that indicates that the person thinks or believes that I expect something or anything from that being or am in some way dependent, in need of or reliant on that person and in where I see myself reacting in fear and anger where I feel the urge to push the other away – I stop and I breathe – in this I commit myself to slow myself down and take a moment to ground myself here – wherein I stop my participation within anger and realize that excluding, projecting anger and spitefulness outwards onto another will not and cannot solve my internal experiences – because within this I see, realize and understand that when anger emerges within me it is merely indicating self-anger, and so therefor I no more accept and allow myself to take such anger out on another but instead I commit myself to support myself through standing as my self-awareness, where I re-instruct myself within the moment and direct myself out of the pattern through first making sure that I slow myself down through breathing and in that ground myself here, within myself, where I take the decision to stand by my side, to support myself and to realize that I do have me – and therefor I commit myself to always make sure that I am here for me, that I stand here with me and in that practice on accepting and embracing the support and assistance that others give, where I realize that others supporting me is their decision – and as I realize that I remain here by my side, with me, supporting myself, I further see that there is no need in fearing and resisting others support or fearing that I may not be able to trust the support – because no matter what, I make sure that I stand by my side.

The Mind Will Show You Whom You Should Fear - Day 407

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an internal experience of fear and inferiority as an automatic response that gets activated and triggered by and within situations where I am faced with or perceive another person within my surrounding/closest environment to show any form of pattern that I have linked to and see as indications of superiority/authority/dominance - wherein I see and realize that I have formed this automatic response as a program that gets activated within me whenever I perceive another person within my external reality to be superior/dominant as a consequence and result of my past and memories, in this thinking and believing that I must change who and how I am to become submissive and as invisible as I possibly can to prevent the possibility of triggering/activating anger/rage within the person that I interpret to be dominant/superior, due to believing that I am placing myself and my life at risk and in danger if I activate or trigger anger/rage within another – and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond to situations wherein I perceive myself to be faced with a person that is dominant/superior through physically changing my behavior and who I am into becoming more silent, repressed and where I suppress and hide myself in the sense of attempting and trying to not cause any ‘trouble’ but rather be silent so that I won’t come across as provocative – and in this just unquestionably accept this continuous response and change in behavior without even considering why, as I see and realize that this behavior is really not assisting or supporting me but is rather making my relationship to me and so my relationship to others completely messed up – where I also see and realize that I do have another option, that I could just as well decide to stop this unsupportive behavior through within the moment decide not to participate, not to respond within an automation but to instead move myself and decide who I am going to be in every situation – and so therefor I realize that it is rather stupid to continue existing within this automation as I realize that it is not helping me, it is not supporting me but rather fucking me up within my relationship to me.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change my physical behavior as my posture, movements and interactions within situations and moments where I perceive another person within my surrounding/environment to show any form of pattern that I interpret as indications of dominance/authority/superiority – in where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed moments and situations in where I perceive myself to be faced with a being that I see as dominant/superior to be and become circumstances wherein I habitually and unquestionably change myself as who I am and behave externally – not seeing or realizing that just because I perceive myself to be faced with a being that shows any form of pattern that I have connected to dominance/authority/superiority does not automatically mean that I have to adjust, mold or change myself as who I am – but within this I realize that I have formed a belief of it being important and necessary for me to change myself dependent on how I perceive beings within my environment to be, as an attempt to kind of like form a ‘balance’ – where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change my behavior and practical participation due to thinking and believing that if I remain being just me then the whole situation will become out of balance in the context of thinking and believing that the person that I perceive to be dominant/superior would react in anger if I do not practically and physically change myself to become more silent, compliant, submissive and passive.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and link anger and rage to patterns within others that I perceive to be indications of superiority/authority/dominance - wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the inclination to react in rage and anger are greater and more prominent within individuals that I consider to be or show patterns that I have linked to authority/superiority/dominance – and I furthermore forgive myself that I have within this accepted and allowed myself to make assumptions and merely participate within my own imaginations and beliefs in regards to who and how another person is – instead of seeing and realizing that I cannot in any way know or understand the entirety of another person’s entire mind, and so in that I realize that I am drawing conclusions based on previous events and memories instead of allowing myself to participate in that which are here, and so observe and interact with real, actual reality.

• In this I commit myself to practice within situations/moments wherein I see that I have formed a perception of another individual within my surrounding as being dominant/superior/ authority – where I within such instances stand within my awareness, where I see the tendency that I have formed in relation to reacting in fear and letting such fear trigger the pattern and automatic response of going into inferiority – and so within that I commit myself to slow myself down through stopping and breathing when I see myself react due to someone within my environment, where I assist and support myself to prevent myself from going into an automatic response where I change my behavior, but instead practice on remaining here, standing within and as stability and thus assist and support myself through being aware of the pattern and in that no more accept and allow myself to just blindly and automatically follow and comply with – but instead I take my life in my own hands, where I direct myself to take self-responsibility through not accepting and allowing myself to go into a state of inferiority but to instead move and instruct myself to focus on being me, on remaining here and so place my awareness in practical, physical reality – to in that make sure that I only participate in that which exists directly here as the physical – to realize that anything that does not exist directly here as the physical is the mind and is thus not real.

The Lingering Effect of Trauma - Day 403

“Now – the Mind is the Product of your Environment and the Events that took place in your life, and the Events that you Learned from.”

“So, if you for instance have a Program due to Trauma where You Have Immense Fear for a Person, you will Create in the Mind – and the Mind will virtually do it by Itself because You’re Not really Aware that you are doing it – You will Create a Mechanism through which you would Detect according to your Environment, the Possibility of People in your Environment that May Cause such Trauma again, and you will end up Seeing the person that Caused the Trauma Everywhere. Now obviously the Person Doesn’t Exist, the Person Only Exists in the Mechanism that You’ve Created through which you are Attempting to Protect Yourself from such Trauma and therefore Any Person that in Any Way will Show Any form of the Patterns which are Part of your Protection mechanism in the Mind will Immediately bring up Paranoia and you’ll immediately ‘Not Like the Person,’ you’ll Immediately want to be Out of their Environment as Much as Possible, Not Communicate with them/ Stay Away from them because all they’re going to do is – according to Your Mechanism – they’re going to Abuse you and therefore you will Move Yourself out of that Environment to Protect yourself.” -Bernard Poolman  - Day 397: Paranoia and Stopping the Mind

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and live within and according to a fear of triggering or activating negatively charged internal conversations, opinions, experiences or reactions within other beings through my behavior or words due to having associated and connected such occurrences to my past living conditions, where I see and realize that I developed and manifested an intense fear of activating or triggering anger/frustration/disapproval/discontentment within others due to the consequences I would be faced with when perceiving myself to having triggered such reactions within the first foster mother I had – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to and continue living with this protection-mechanism that I would create in the past as an attempt to protect myself from trauma through suppressing, hiding and aligning myself with that which I saw wouldn’t trigger negatively charged reactions/experiences/thoughts within the foster mother – not seeing or realizing that this pattern and mechanism is not assisting or supporting me in any way what so ever in my current living since I am fully capable of protecting/defending myself and standing up for myself through simply utilizing common sense and practical consideration in terms of assessing the situations I am in and through that make sure that I take self-responsibility for my words and behavior, and to also realize that, yes, there is always a possibility of other people reacting in anger/frustration/disapproval/discontentment, no matter who or how I am really, because I can in no way know how other people’s entire mind is set up and what may/might trigger reactions within others – so all I can do is to be me, to make sure that I treat others as I would like to be treated without suppressing/hiding myself or going in with the starting-point of constantly assessing and attempting to decode what/who/how another person would prefer me to be where I am trying to trigger or generate positive experiences but to rather focus on being me, and if or when I see another reacting I realize that it is not actually something personal but that it is due to how that specific individual have created and constructed their mind – and that if a situation would emerge wherein I see that my safety is at risk I do have the capacity to remove myself from the situation – and so within this I see, realize and understand that fearing other’s possible reactions are actually completely unnecessary as I do have the tools, the understanding and the capacity to assess a situation/moment with common sense and thus decide in every moment what is best for all – but that accepting and allowing myself to live in constant fear and worry about triggering/generating/activating negatively charged reactions within another is really not assisting or supporting me and does not help me in any kind of way – that it is in fact just preventing me from trusting myself and from standing stable within myself and focusing on being me.

• When and as I see that I am going into the mechanism of trying to protect myself from the possibility of having to face the consequences that I perceive is going to happen if I in some way activate/trigger/generate negatively charged reactions within another person, and in where I see myself going into fear due to perceiving a pattern/behavior/words/tonality/’sign’ within another, that I have connected and linked to the foster mothers patterns/behaviors/words/tonality and where I thus see myself activating this mechanism through fear – I immediately stop and breathe – where I see, realize and understand that the reaction of fear got triggered because someone in some way represented/showed a pattern which I have linked to the foster mother and which thus activates the protection mechanism within the mind, but that it is not necessary for me to react in fear, hide or suppress myself – and so therefor I commit myself to in the continuation be aware of this tendency and through that immediately stop and breathe when I see myself activating this defense and protection mechanism, where I re-instruct myself to instead participate in that which exists directly as the physical – to assess the physical situation that I am in with common sense and practical consideration to within that stand as the directive principle of me, where I see and realize that it is only when I am here, participating in what is actually practically and physically occurring that I can assess the situation and decide what is best within the moment – and so therefor I no more accept and allow myself to just automatically and instantaneously go into the pattern of fear whenever I see a dimension/aspect within another that reminds me of the foster mother – but to within such moments instead take a breath, slow myself down and look at the situation practically – where I bring my power back to me, where I stand up for myself and so trust myself – because within this I see, realize and understand that within these situations I am essentially becoming the scared child that I once was, and that hiding and suppressing myself is of no need, that I am fully capable of standing with myself, standing up for myself and practically assess what is best in any given moment.