Standing on My Own Two Feet - Day 413

Control The Way You React to Life's Daily Drawbacks - Day 411

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate the worst case scenario within situations as an attempt to ‘prepare’ myself due to thinking and believing that it would be easier to face ‘the worst’ if I have prepared myself mentally – not seeing or realizing how I am within this merely creating and generating worry, stress and fear rather than preparing myself to face whatever comes up when it is here – as I within this see, realize and understand that what I am apparently preparing for within the mind is not an actual representation of physical reality as I cannot for certain know what the future may/might bring – so within this I see and realize that I am creating an alternate reality as an imagination within the mind, and that participating within such imaginary reality does not in any way prepare me for what may or might come – that I am within this rather generating and fueling internal experiences of helplessness and powerlessness – and therefor I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically and instantaneously go into, participate within and trust the mental ideas, conceptions and representations of the worst scenario that comes up within the mind instead of seeing and realizing that participating within and trusting these mental ideas, conceptions and representations of the worst case scenario that comes up within the mind does not actually in any way prepare or support me to be able to stand stable within myself and face whatever is here – and so I realize that not a single mental idea and imagination in relation to the future that comes up within the mind has never and will never assist and support me to face actual reality in stability – that the only way to actually face real reality in stability is through me, directing and moving myself out of imaginations and instead make sure that I face what is here in every moment.

• Within this I see, realize and understand that anticipating the worst and participating within internal imaginary realities wherein I envision the future as what it would be like if the worst possible thing that could happen actually would happen, is really not something that supports me – I mean, I have seen, so many times, how such participation is really just in fact causing internal conflict and friction, wherein I see and realize that I am making a situation worse and harder for myself through my internal participation – because within this I see, realize and understand that when I am accepting and allowing the mind to just take charge - from the perspective of me, just blindly accepting and allowing what comes up as imaginations within the mind – I am really just in fact inflicting stress, anxiety, fear and worry – where this acceptance and allowance thus places my physical body under even more strain in situations and moments where my physical needs stability and care the most.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being in control of my own future in relation to the things and aspects of life that I really just cannot change or decide over – and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that, yes, there are things in life that I cannot control – but what I do have control within and can direct is who I am in relation to the things in life that I cannot control – where I see, realize and understand that what would support me is to rather place my focus and attention on that which I can decide over rather than on that which I cannot control – and in this I commit myself to assist and support myself within situations and moments where I see that I am preoccupied with imaginary realities and future projections within the mind – where I within that re-instruct myself to direct my focus and attention and to instead place my awareness here, where I commit myself to support myself through focusing on stabilizing myself rather than accepting and allowing myself to keep myself preoccupied with that which I cannot control or change – to within this see, realize and understand that participating within internal imaginary realities will not make me prepared, will not change practical, physical reality but will rather make me unstable, worried and anxious – so therefor I commit myself to focus on and give myself the practice that I require to be able to stand stable within myself and face actual reality and actual scenarios in real-time however the situations may be – and in this trust myself to face what is here and walk through what is here – and I commit myself to practice this point through immediately stopping my participation within anticipations and future projections when it comes up and instead bring myself back to here, breathe, ground myself and so face what is here in this moment.

When Life Takes an Unexpected, Shattering Turn - Day 410

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate, expect and fear the worst within situations where I am faced with something that I cannot foretell in the sense of not knowing exactly what the future might bring – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately assume and anticipate that the worst possible thing that could happen will happen – where I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within internal imaginations and future projections that are based on an alternate reality, representing the worst thing that I believe could happen – instead of seeing and realizing that participating within such future projections and internal imaginations is really not supporting me in any kind of way but that such participation will rather just generate experiences of fear, anxiety stress and worry – and I realize that instead of placing my focus and attention within internal imaginary realities that leads to internal turmoil I can within the moment decide not to participate, not to go into and not follow such imaginations but to instead realize that I know where such internal participation leads, and it’s really not supporting me in any kind of way – and so therefor I commit myself to assist and support myself within moments and situations where I see that my attention and focus are within an imaginary and illusive reality that is playing out within the mind – where I within this stop my participation, breathe and change my focus back to here, back to that which exist directly here as the physical – where I no more accept and allow myself to just blindly follow what comes up due to thinking and believing that it in some way can help me – but instead I commit myself to immediately stop, where I stop following and stop complying with what comes up and instead bring myself back to here, back to breath where I focus on what is here within the moment.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being ‘mentally prepared’ for the worst case scenario in the sense of being faced with a reality that I haven’t conjured up within the mind beforehand – and so within that thinking and believing that I am doing myself a favor through imagining and playing out all the different scenarios and futures that I believe to be possible outcomes – and I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself and my capacity to face and walk through any situation, as the actual real reality, when it is here – because within this I see, realize and understand that I cannot walk through or face something beforehand, before it is actually, physically, practically here – and that when I ‘attempt to prepare myself’ I am actually ONLY inflicting and generating fears, anxiety and stress – so, therefor I see and realize that I am participating within, accepting and allowing, self-manipulation and self-sabotage when and as I believe that I require to and am doing myself a favor through internally imagining and playing out the worst case scenario – that it will not in any way support me – and I see, realize and understand that supporting myself through this would be to focus on being here, on stabilizing myself within my relationship to me and live self-responsibility through realizing that I do have the capacity and the ability to face and walk anything when it is here, that I do have me, that I do have the tools with which to utilize to stabilize myself within situations and moments – so therefor I commit myself to make sure that I participate in, face and walk through that which exists directly here as the physical, and trust myself and my capacity to support myself and to do what is best within any given situation – and in that realize that I can only walk and face that which exists directly here – moment by moment, one breath at a time.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into the mind where I attempt and try to find out all the different possible outcomes and results, as how my future may or might look or change, when I am being faced with something unexpected as new information that I was not aware of and did not take into account previously – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of complete paranoia through letting the mind run rampant when being faced with something unexpected – where I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to fathom how my life may or might change within the mind – where I see and realize that I cannot look at something direct and cannot see clearly when I accept and allow myself to trust imaginations and thoughts and experiences that emerges within the mind as a response to unexpected information – because within that I am taking things to an extreme, where I see and realize that I cannot trust what emerges as a response within the mind because in that I am merely preventing myself from looking at solutions, from looking directly at what is here, what I can practically do with such information, what I require doing to assist and support myself and so walk it, step by step, seeing what needs to be done as an assessment of what I require and need within my relationship to me, within my life and reality and so align my life and living accordingly – and in this I see and realize how simple it is, and how I make it complicated and overwhelming when it in practicality doesn’t have to be that way, where I see that I can make it easy through assisting and supporting myself to stop trusting what emerges within the mind as a response and instead practically look at if there is something I require to do/change within my life and living and thus what I can do with such information – where I see and realize that all I require doing is to continue assisting and supporting myself, making sure that I prioritize supporting my physical and stabilizing my internal – and how, if or when my life may or might change is then something I walk when it is here, and align my self-support according to what is here – and therefor I commit myself to walk this for myself, to assist and support myself through looking at what I require to do and what I can do to support myself within every moment – where I align myself with that which is here, where I assess practically what I require within the moment and so walk it and align it according to what exists directly here.

The Mind Will Show You Whom You Should Fear - Day 407

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an internal experience of fear and inferiority as an automatic response that gets activated and triggered by and within situations where I am faced with or perceive another person within my surrounding/closest environment to show any form of pattern that I have linked to and see as indications of superiority/authority/dominance - wherein I see and realize that I have formed this automatic response as a program that gets activated within me whenever I perceive another person within my external reality to be superior/dominant as a consequence and result of my past and memories, in this thinking and believing that I must change who and how I am to become submissive and as invisible as I possibly can to prevent the possibility of triggering/activating anger/rage within the person that I interpret to be dominant/superior, due to believing that I am placing myself and my life at risk and in danger if I activate or trigger anger/rage within another – and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond to situations wherein I perceive myself to be faced with a person that is dominant/superior through physically changing my behavior and who I am into becoming more silent, repressed and where I suppress and hide myself in the sense of attempting and trying to not cause any ‘trouble’ but rather be silent so that I won’t come across as provocative – and in this just unquestionably accept this continuous response and change in behavior without even considering why, as I see and realize that this behavior is really not assisting or supporting me but is rather making my relationship to me and so my relationship to others completely messed up – where I also see and realize that I do have another option, that I could just as well decide to stop this unsupportive behavior through within the moment decide not to participate, not to respond within an automation but to instead move myself and decide who I am going to be in every situation – and so therefor I realize that it is rather stupid to continue existing within this automation as I realize that it is not helping me, it is not supporting me but rather fucking me up within my relationship to me.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change my physical behavior as my posture, movements and interactions within situations and moments where I perceive another person within my surrounding/environment to show any form of pattern that I interpret as indications of dominance/authority/superiority – in where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed moments and situations in where I perceive myself to be faced with a being that I see as dominant/superior to be and become circumstances wherein I habitually and unquestionably change myself as who I am and behave externally – not seeing or realizing that just because I perceive myself to be faced with a being that shows any form of pattern that I have connected to dominance/authority/superiority does not automatically mean that I have to adjust, mold or change myself as who I am – but within this I realize that I have formed a belief of it being important and necessary for me to change myself dependent on how I perceive beings within my environment to be, as an attempt to kind of like form a ‘balance’ – where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change my behavior and practical participation due to thinking and believing that if I remain being just me then the whole situation will become out of balance in the context of thinking and believing that the person that I perceive to be dominant/superior would react in anger if I do not practically and physically change myself to become more silent, compliant, submissive and passive.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and link anger and rage to patterns within others that I perceive to be indications of superiority/authority/dominance - wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the inclination to react in rage and anger are greater and more prominent within individuals that I consider to be or show patterns that I have linked to authority/superiority/dominance – and I furthermore forgive myself that I have within this accepted and allowed myself to make assumptions and merely participate within my own imaginations and beliefs in regards to who and how another person is – instead of seeing and realizing that I cannot in any way know or understand the entirety of another person’s entire mind, and so in that I realize that I am drawing conclusions based on previous events and memories instead of allowing myself to participate in that which are here, and so observe and interact with real, actual reality.

• In this I commit myself to practice within situations/moments wherein I see that I have formed a perception of another individual within my surrounding as being dominant/superior/ authority – where I within such instances stand within my awareness, where I see the tendency that I have formed in relation to reacting in fear and letting such fear trigger the pattern and automatic response of going into inferiority – and so within that I commit myself to slow myself down through stopping and breathing when I see myself react due to someone within my environment, where I assist and support myself to prevent myself from going into an automatic response where I change my behavior, but instead practice on remaining here, standing within and as stability and thus assist and support myself through being aware of the pattern and in that no more accept and allow myself to just blindly and automatically follow and comply with – but instead I take my life in my own hands, where I direct myself to take self-responsibility through not accepting and allowing myself to go into a state of inferiority but to instead move and instruct myself to focus on being me, on remaining here and so place my awareness in practical, physical reality – to in that make sure that I only participate in that which exists directly here as the physical – to realize that anything that does not exist directly here as the physical is the mind and is thus not real.

How we are Enslaving Ourselves to the Past - Day 406

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to anyone that in any way show any form of pattern which I perceive to be similar to the patterns and behaviors that I have linked and connected to the first foster-mother – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just automatically and instantaneously activate and go into a protection mechanism within the mind when encountering or facing a being that in some way show any form of pattern/behavior/mannerism which I perceive to be based on superiority, authority and/or dominance as that which are part of and activates the protection mechanism that I have formed within the mind, and in this I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself as who I am, how I experience myself and how I decide to behave within a moment when perceiving another person to show a pattern of superiority/authority/dominance, where I automatically and instinctively go into a state of inferiority due to thinking and believing that I require to avoid and prevent any possibility of triggering an experience of ‘being challenged’ within the other person in the sense of the being interpreting it as though I am not obeying, conforming, submitting and subduing – as I think and believe that if I in any way trigger, activate or generate such interpretation/perception within the other then that would result in the other being feeling the need to take it to an extreme to state and show that I am not to think that I have the right to stand up for myself in the sense of indicating that I am self-confident, assertive or believe myself to be anything else than inadequate to the other being – and so within this not seeing or realizing how I am actually in fact self-sabotaging through accepting and allowing myself to go into a state of inferiority as I am the one living according to MY own self-created beliefs in the sense of how I have formed an idea in regards to how I think that others will react and experience themselves as that which gets triggered and activated through who I am within a moment – not seeing or realizing that I cannot in fact ever know how each and every individual will react to who or how I am, but that I am basing this idea and belief on memories and past events of how ONE single individual would react – and where I was the one that formed the link and connection between that one single individuals reaction and who I perceived myself to be and behave, wherein I see and realize that I interpreted it as though the only thing that would reduce and prevent the reactions within the being was if and when I took on an inferiority-character – and through all of this I see, realize and understand that I am self-sabotaging through accepting and allowing myself to form and shape my life and who I am, and decide to be within specific situations/moments, according to that one experience that I had with one individual in relation to what I perceived to trigger and activate reactions within the person’s mind – where I am merely reacting to my own memories and assumptions instead of being here in every moment and so decide to simply be me, stand stable and observe every situation without veiling it with expectations, assumptions and anticipations.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to unquestionably trust the protection mechanism that I have formed within the mind in regards to who I believe that I have to be and become when seeing a pattern within another that in any way show and indicate dominance/authority/superiority – where I have just blindly, habitually and continuously accepted and allowed myself to follow and comply with the belief and idea of it being imperative and necessary that I change myself to protect myself – but within that not seeing and realizing that I am making assumptions in the sense of supposing that my life, my safety and I am at risk if I remain stable, assertive and confident, if I remain here, being me, while facing a person that I perceive to show and indicate superiority/authority/dominance, and within that not ever giving myself the opportunity to find out what would actually in real, practical, physical reality happen if I allowed myself to simply stand with the being, observing and assessing that which exists directly as the physical, where I direct myself to remain stable and face whatever may/might emerge – as I see and realize that the beliefs and ideas that I have formed are based on memories of past events and that I am thus making my assessment of how and who to be within a moment based on situations occurring in the past – which reveals to me that I cannot trust the beliefs, ideas and assessments that I make of how or who I require to be within a situation as my starting-point and outset is not based on or representing the here and now or who/how another being is – because instead I am merely reacting to points that I have taught myself to see as ‘alarming’ but am within that not at all seeing the real reality as I am instead getting caught up in and preoccupied with what I imagine to be here – and I see and realize that anything that does not exist directly here as the physical is the mind and is thus not to be trusted or conformed to.

• When and as I am faced with or am encountering an individual that I perceive to, in any way, show a pattern that is based on superiority/authority/dominance and where I see that the ‘protection-mechanism’ that I have formed within the mind gets activated in the sense of seeing myself wanting and feeling the need to go into a pattern of subduing and suppressing myself to show that ‘I am not challenging you’ – I immediately stop and take a deep breath – where I commit myself to take self-responsibility through no more accepting and allowing myself to just blindly and instinctively go into a state of inferiority but instead break this habit through directing myself immediately within a moment where I see that I am faced with a being that I am reacting to/towards due to perceiving the being to show any form of pattern that in any way reminds me of a pattern within the foster-mother – to within such situation take my power back to me, where I take a stance within myself to not go into and not follow the belief of it being necessary for me to change myself as who I am to not risk my own safety – but instead I bring myself back to here, where I make sure that I only participate in that which exists directly as the physical – to within that take the decision to remain stable within myself through utilizing breath, where I ground myself, and within that focus on being me, on showing myself that I do have the capacity to direct myself and to decide for myself who I am going to be within any given moment – and therefor I commit myself take this responsibility, to live this responsibility for myself to make sure that I practically practice on standing stable within myself no matter external circumstances and other people – and so walk this until it is a constant, living principle of me, of who I am.

The Torment of Being Falsely Accused - Day 405

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally through going into fear, shame and self-blame when perceiving it as though I am getting accused of something by another and when interpreting it as though the person is disappointed or angry at me - no matter if I have actually done what I perceive myself to be accused of or not, wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a pattern activated by fear, in where I immediately react when I perceive another to accuse me of having done something which the other person do not agree with or approve of and in where I automatically and instantaneously go into the belief and idea that I have to protect and defend myself through ensuring that I prevent the other from creating a perpetuated definition and opinion of me that is based on negativity due to that which I am being accused of - wherein I think and believe that I require to explain myself in the best possible way so that I can remove the experience/reaction that came up within another and so replace it with an explanation that I think and believe can ‘repair’ and compensate for the initial reaction that got triggered within the person, as an explanation and thus experience that is based on a positive energy instead of negative – where I see and realize that I have created a pattern wherein I think and believe that I require to protect myself from negatively charged experiences within others due to believing that such experiences can result in my safety being threatened – as I have connected this point of ‘being accused of something’ to the consequences I would be faced with when this occurred while I lived with the first foster family – and so perpetuated the pattern of instantly going into fear when perceiving myself to get accused by another, not seeing and realizing how such pattern is really in fact not helping me within my current living and life – as I see and realize that when I am within a reaction of fear I cannot see real reality or what is practically here – and that I will react to every perceived similarity to the patterns that I saw within the foster mother as a consequence of the protection mechanism I have formed within the mind – instead of seeing and realizing that such protection mechanism isn’t protecting me at all but is rather making it impossible for me to stand stable within myself and so see real reality in the sense of facing and practically walking through a situation of perceiving myself to be accused by another into a solution – which I see and realize is only possible when I take the decision to stop the fear, stop the reactions and stop the automatic pattern of attempting and trying to protect myself through inducing positive experiences through a satisfying explanation – and I realize that the solution within these situations would be to first of all making sure that I remove any and every form of internal reaction and so stand with myself in clarity and awareness where I furthermore move myself practically to investigate the situation, whether I am even being accused of something or not, and so communicate with another to find an actual, real solution that is best for both in the sense of clearing up possible misunderstandings/misinterpretations and self-honestly, and with taking self-responsibility, investigate that which I perceive myself to be accused of.

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that what I am reacting to is actually in fact my own interpretation and perception of being accused – wherein I am essentially reacting to myself as a consequence of my self-created fear of what another may/might think of me due to what I believe myself to be accused of and so how the person will see me, think about me and feel about me in the continuation – and that through accepting and allowing myself to participate within such imaginary reality I am getting distracted from participating within that which are really in fact real, and thus preventing myself from finding and coming to a real solution since I am not even capable of seeing the problem as I am preoccupied within my imagination – which I realize isn’t a real representation of what is really in fact occurring – and so I see and realize that to be able to face and walk through a problem, conflict or misunderstanding I require to bring myself out of the mind-reality as imagination and back into real reality as that which exists directly as the physical.    

• Within this I commit myself to assist and support myself within moments and situations where I think, believe and perceive that I am being accused of something by another – through within that slow myself down through breathing and thus prevent myself from going into the automatic pattern of reaction – and so in this make sure that I have slowed myself down and grounded myself here, where I can look at things within awareness and clarity – where I commit myself to re-instruct myself and change the pattern of wanting to immediately explain myself and remove the negatively charged experience that I perceive within another, to instead look at a solution – where I make sure that I stand within me stable, that I do not accept and allow myself to participate within fear but instead place my attention within practical, physical reality through asking questions, through finding out if another person is even accusing me of something or if I merely interpreted it as though I was accused due to my own internal reactions and so reacting to my own mind – and so from there I make sure that I am really seeing reality in terms of first make sure that I am removing my own reactions so that I can participate in that which exists directly as the physical reality and where I direct myself to open the point up through communicating with the being that I perceive to accuse me, through simply asking questions and clearing up any misunderstandings – where I commit myself to ensure that I am self-honest within my approach from the perspective of making sure that my starting-point is not based on the attempt to please another or wanting to say something to remove any possible negatively charged reactions/experiences within the other but that my starting-point is instead based on finding a real solution through communication, self-responsibility and self-honesty.

Surviving The Trauma Caused By an Adult's Abuse - Day 404

The constant fear of ‘getting caught’ by the first foster mother while doing something apparently wrong/bad. Getting caught in the sense of doing something that I believed could, in some way, trigger/activate/generate negatively charged experiences or reactions within the foster mother – walking on eggshells all the time, constantly afraid of her walking in on me when I was alone due to perceiving it as though everything I did could, and would, trigger reactions within her. Completely paranoid at all times due to seeing how she would think that I had, and accuse me of having done stuff which I hadn't even done. Accusing me of using her expensive shampoo, accusing me of throwing up, hiding food, not eating, stealing chocolate, accusing me of not doing as I was told etc.

• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to live in constant fear of getting caught or having the foster mother walk in on me while I was alone due to thinking and believing that all I did and all I was, was ‘wrong’, bad, inadequate and anger-provocative – thinking and believing that no matter what I did or how I did it, I did it wrong and not good enough, and through/due to this consequentially forming an idea of it being just who I was as a person that was the problem since no matter how I changed my behavior and mannerism, I still got the same response from the foster mother, and within this not seeing and realizing that the fact that I did change and attempted to do my best to please her in every way possible, it still didn’t result in any changes within her or her experience and reactions towards me – and so I see and realize that it wasn’t even about me, it wasn’t about who I was as a person but that it rather had to do with her internal reality and that I would merely stand as and become a point that she could project her reactions onto and take it out on – and in this I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to in a way deliberately utilize her abuse to be able to feed and empower the already existing self-belief of myself as being worthless and useless – where I see and realize that I was still responsible for not ever accepting and allowing myself to start questioning and investigating whether another person’s reactions to and towards me really did represent the real me or the totality of who I was – but would instead invert the reactions and patterns that I saw in the foster mother through repetitively thinking that I was wrong, that who I was as a person was simply just a worthless piece of crap and so incredibly bad that no matter what I did, I would inevitably trigger and generate negative reactions of anger and disapproval within another – not seeing or realizing that no matter how I changed myself and no matter how I aligned myself with what I was told, I was still faced with the foster mother’s outbursts – and within this I do see, realize and understand that I wasn’t even the cause/source/origin of her internal reactions and experiences but that I never exposed that fact to myself, that I did not even give myself an opportunity to consider the fact that I wasn’t responsible for another person’s reaction because within me I had an already existing belief and idea of myself that was based on negativity, so the foster mother would essentially just confirm the beliefs that I already had lingering in the back of my head to me.

• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of myself and empower the belief of myself as being worthless and useless due to not seeing and realizing that I was not the reason for the foster mother’s reactions and I furthermore forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take self-responsibility within my current living and life but have instead accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously go back into the pattern of being ashamed of myself whenever I perceive another person to react in a similar way as the foster mother would when I did something apparently ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’ – instead of seeing and realizing that I am always, with no exceptions, the one that takes the decision to go into such experiences and back-chats about myself – wherein I see and realize that I am self-sabotaging through accepting and allowing myself to invert the reactions of another since I am within that embracing, empowering and feeding an already existing self-belief of myself through internally deciding to interpret and perceive another person’s reactions to be ‘my fault’ and a consequence of my worthlessness and uselessness and my apparent provocative nature – instead of, within such moments, deciding to direct myself, to change myself and to once and for all stop feeding such self-beliefs as I see and realize that it is not who I am, that it is just based on memories wherein I have taught myself to see myself in a specific way and that accepting and allowing myself to still give myself the right to access such definitions and beliefs even when realizing that it is not me, indicates deliberate self-sabotage wherein I realize that the only reason for why I would obey and comply with such bullshit coming up within the mind as a response to seeing another person reacting in a way that reminds me of the reactions within the foster-mother would be because I decide that I would like to feel like shit – and so therefor I see, realize and understand that I am fully responsible for how I decide to respond within my mind when I see a similarity to the patterns that I perceived within the foster-mother within another, and so I realize that I do have the tools of which to utilize within such moments to stop the alarm, to stop the protection-mechanism and so instead decide not to invert it, not to simulate an imaginary reality within the mind wherein I imagine that the words that I tell myself within the mind are the thoughts of the other person – because I see, realize and understand that the shit that comes up within my mind is my shit, it is not representing what another thinks of me and either way I still have the capacity, the ability and the responsibility to not accept and allow such abuse within me, to not accept and allow myself, as the one that I am going to stand and live with for the rest of my life, to be a bully, to be someone that does not assist and support me – I mean, if anything I should be the one that, at all times, makes sure that I stand with me, that I stand by my side deciding to assist and support myself no matter the situation I am in and no matter the reactions I perceive to come up within another.

• I commit myself to take self-responsibility for the fear I have created to and towards reactions within others that I perceive to be similar to the foster mother’s reactions – through seeing and realizing that the reactions that emerges within me is a result of the protection-mechanism that I have formed, wherein I will essentially react to anyone, anything and everything that reminds me of or that I perceive to be similar to the behaviors/patterns within the foster mother – but that when such reaction emerge within me I still have the capacity and ability and the responsibility to stop, to take my power back to me and so decide to stand by my side – supporting me – and so therefor I commit myself to no more accept and allow myself to just automatically and instantaneously go into the mind and blame myself for a perception I have formed in regards to another person reacting due to who I am – but instead I take charge of who I am where I re-instruct myself to take a moment, breathe myself out of any reaction that got activated within me and in this I commit myself to take self-responsibility through realizing that anything that comes up within my mind as a response to what I perceive to get activated as a reaction within another, is my responsibility – is my own self-sabotage, so if I feel like shit or allow myself to back-chat about how useless and worthless I am, then that is simply me, self-sabotaging – which I no more accept and allow myself to participate within or stand for – no, I do not accept and allow myself to stand for self-sabotage but instead I make sure that I slow myself down when seeing myself participating within self-beliefs and in that stop my participation, I breathe, and I direct myself to only participate in that which exists directly as the physical – where I focus on being here, within my physical body, within this physical existence and thus make sure that I change this pattern, that I let go of this pattern – so that I can give myself the opportunity to establish the principle of always standing by my side as a living decision of who I am in every moment of breath.

The Lingering Effect of Trauma - Day 403

“Now – the Mind is the Product of your Environment and the Events that took place in your life, and the Events that you Learned from.”

“So, if you for instance have a Program due to Trauma where You Have Immense Fear for a Person, you will Create in the Mind – and the Mind will virtually do it by Itself because You’re Not really Aware that you are doing it – You will Create a Mechanism through which you would Detect according to your Environment, the Possibility of People in your Environment that May Cause such Trauma again, and you will end up Seeing the person that Caused the Trauma Everywhere. Now obviously the Person Doesn’t Exist, the Person Only Exists in the Mechanism that You’ve Created through which you are Attempting to Protect Yourself from such Trauma and therefore Any Person that in Any Way will Show Any form of the Patterns which are Part of your Protection mechanism in the Mind will Immediately bring up Paranoia and you’ll immediately ‘Not Like the Person,’ you’ll Immediately want to be Out of their Environment as Much as Possible, Not Communicate with them/ Stay Away from them because all they’re going to do is – according to Your Mechanism – they’re going to Abuse you and therefore you will Move Yourself out of that Environment to Protect yourself.” -Bernard Poolman  - Day 397: Paranoia and Stopping the Mind

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and live within and according to a fear of triggering or activating negatively charged internal conversations, opinions, experiences or reactions within other beings through my behavior or words due to having associated and connected such occurrences to my past living conditions, where I see and realize that I developed and manifested an intense fear of activating or triggering anger/frustration/disapproval/discontentment within others due to the consequences I would be faced with when perceiving myself to having triggered such reactions within the first foster mother I had – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to and continue living with this protection-mechanism that I would create in the past as an attempt to protect myself from trauma through suppressing, hiding and aligning myself with that which I saw wouldn’t trigger negatively charged reactions/experiences/thoughts within the foster mother – not seeing or realizing that this pattern and mechanism is not assisting or supporting me in any way what so ever in my current living since I am fully capable of protecting/defending myself and standing up for myself through simply utilizing common sense and practical consideration in terms of assessing the situations I am in and through that make sure that I take self-responsibility for my words and behavior, and to also realize that, yes, there is always a possibility of other people reacting in anger/frustration/disapproval/discontentment, no matter who or how I am really, because I can in no way know how other people’s entire mind is set up and what may/might trigger reactions within others – so all I can do is to be me, to make sure that I treat others as I would like to be treated without suppressing/hiding myself or going in with the starting-point of constantly assessing and attempting to decode what/who/how another person would prefer me to be where I am trying to trigger or generate positive experiences but to rather focus on being me, and if or when I see another reacting I realize that it is not actually something personal but that it is due to how that specific individual have created and constructed their mind – and that if a situation would emerge wherein I see that my safety is at risk I do have the capacity to remove myself from the situation – and so within this I see, realize and understand that fearing other’s possible reactions are actually completely unnecessary as I do have the tools, the understanding and the capacity to assess a situation/moment with common sense and thus decide in every moment what is best for all – but that accepting and allowing myself to live in constant fear and worry about triggering/generating/activating negatively charged reactions within another is really not assisting or supporting me and does not help me in any kind of way – that it is in fact just preventing me from trusting myself and from standing stable within myself and focusing on being me.

• When and as I see that I am going into the mechanism of trying to protect myself from the possibility of having to face the consequences that I perceive is going to happen if I in some way activate/trigger/generate negatively charged reactions within another person, and in where I see myself going into fear due to perceiving a pattern/behavior/words/tonality/’sign’ within another, that I have connected and linked to the foster mothers patterns/behaviors/words/tonality and where I thus see myself activating this mechanism through fear – I immediately stop and breathe – where I see, realize and understand that the reaction of fear got triggered because someone in some way represented/showed a pattern which I have linked to the foster mother and which thus activates the protection mechanism within the mind, but that it is not necessary for me to react in fear, hide or suppress myself – and so therefor I commit myself to in the continuation be aware of this tendency and through that immediately stop and breathe when I see myself activating this defense and protection mechanism, where I re-instruct myself to instead participate in that which exists directly as the physical – to assess the physical situation that I am in with common sense and practical consideration to within that stand as the directive principle of me, where I see and realize that it is only when I am here, participating in what is actually practically and physically occurring that I can assess the situation and decide what is best within the moment – and so therefor I no more accept and allow myself to just automatically and instantaneously go into the pattern of fear whenever I see a dimension/aspect within another that reminds me of the foster mother – but to within such moments instead take a breath, slow myself down and look at the situation practically – where I bring my power back to me, where I stand up for myself and so trust myself – because within this I see, realize and understand that within these situations I am essentially becoming the scared child that I once was, and that hiding and suppressing myself is of no need, that I am fully capable of standing with myself, standing up for myself and practically assess what is best in any given moment.

Living Self-Confidence When Faced With Challenges - Day 398

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my self-esteem and self-confidence in school to be and become dependent on how well I perceive myself to perform within exams and assignments – where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of being insecure and unconfident when and as I perceive myself not to perform as well as I normally do – and I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become dependent on attaining the experience of performing well for me to be able to feel and be confident – where I see and realize that I have allowed the experience of self-doubt to just take over and decide who I am, without me even questioning the experience due to thinking and believing that it is right, justified and legitimate for me to doubt myself and feel insecure when I have not performed well, thinking and believing that that gives me a free-pass to doubt myself and feel insecure – not seeing or realizing that this is an automated pattern that I have formed , where I am the one who gives my consent to self-doubt as a response of perceiving myself to having performed bad, but that just because I haven’t performed well does not mean that I have to or am obligated to doubt myself or let my confidence get influenced.

• Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take for granted and assume that whether I doubt myself or am confident will and must be determined by my external performance – wherein I would never, within or throughout my life, allow myself to establish real self-assurance and self-confidence but would instead just blindly accept and allow myself to believe that such points can merely be lived when, and as a result of, one’s external performances/achievements – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate this belief through living accordingly, wherein I would accept and allow myself to just blindly and unquestionably allow myself to limit myself within my relationship to me through not seeing and realizing that self-confidence and self-assurance can only be lived as constant points/parts within me when and as they are just that, lived, from the within to the without, as a decision and self-movement – and so I see and realize that when I am searching and looking for confidence outside of myself, within my performances and the things that I participate within, I am forming a dependency and am not at all taking responsibility for creating the self and the life that it is that I would really want for myself, but am rather looking and searching for aspects that I require within my relationship with me outside of myself – which I see and realize will inevitably lead to dependency, where I allow myself to become dependent on  the perception of performing well for me to be able to feel confident, when all the while I could have and can decide to give myself and live self-confidence as a living principle of me – to stop looking and searching outside of myself and to instead move and direct myself out of self-doubt and stop the pattern of letting my external performance determine how and who I am within myself and so without.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form expectations and/or anticipations according to the perception I have formed of how I have performed previously, wherein my latest performance within an exam/assignment determines what I expect/anticipate for the future in the sense of how I believe that I will perform in upcoming exams/assignments, wherein I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself the opportunity of always standing within myself, trusting me, and thus doing my best without anticipating or expecting any specific result but to instead live self-confidence no matter how ‘well’ I managed to perform in my latest exam/assignment.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I should not, and have no right to, be self-confident if and when I perceive my latest performance within school/an assignment/exam to be ‘bad’ – and wherein I have thus allowed my starting-point behind my continued participation, as the starting-point I have within the next exam/assignment, be and become influenced and determined by previous results – where I am holding on to past performances and thus expecting bad results if I did not perform well in the latest assignment/exam – instead of always giving myself a clean slate where I make sure that I let go of past results and instead make sure that I stand, within who I am as self-confidence, and so move myself to do my best in what is here now.

• In this I commit myself to assist and support myself to live self-confidence through no more just blindly accepting and allowing myself to go into self-doubt when I perceive my results and performances within school to be bad or not as good as they normally are – but to instead become aware of this tendency of just unquestionably believing that it is impossible and not legitimate for me to be confident within myself if and when I have not attained good results within my external participation – so therefor I commit myself to support myself within moments where I see that the experience of self-doubt starts to emerge within me, where I within such situations/moments stop, take a moment to breathe, and so re-instruct myself where I stop giving my consent to self-doubt to tell me who I am or what I am capable of – and so within that I instead make sure that I let go of past results/performances through realizing that I cannot change it, I can only make sure that I give myself the opportunity here and now to do my best – which I commit myself to do through making sure that I direct myself out of the experience of self-doubt that are based on past performances/results and so stand as and live self-confidence as a directive decision and movement.

When The Best Student Fails - Day 395

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into absolute self-defeat while doing the final exam due to not being capable of answering all of the questions and so accessing and becoming preoccupied by fear of failure – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear of failure as an automatic response when coming across a question that I did not understand/did not know the correct answer to – wherein I would thus remain in that experience of fear that the first instance of not knowing the answer to a question set off, and so brought that experience with me throughout the entire exam – consequentially fearing every single upcoming question due to already having created a definition of myself as a failure caused by that first instance as the question that I saw myself being unable to answer correctly.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into stress and anxiety when struggling with a question due to the limited amount of time that I had – wherein I would thus self-sabotage through looking at the watch and within that go into the mind thinking ‘shit, common –fuck I am so slow’ where I essentially just created a point of total black-out as a consequence of going into the mind, judging myself and inflicting stress – which I see, realize and understand merely made it more difficult as I would within that rather make myself ineffective since I was so busy participating within another dimension within the mind instead of actually being here, with me, working with myself to figure the equation out – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that judging and being hard on myself will push me into working harder and faster – not seeing or realizing that every time I accept and allow myself to participate within stress, fear and anxiety I am only making it harder for myself since I am basically attempting to fight myself into managing to work harder and faster – which results in internal conflict/friction that prevents me from focusing on the only point that is here, which is the question/equation – where I see and realize that what I would require is to actually stand with myself and so work with me instead of against me.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to split myself into two separate entities within the mind through accessing fear, stress and self-anger as a response to perceiving myself not to work hard and fast enough throughout the exam and so within that creating yet another point within me of desire to succeed – and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear of failure and desire to succeed as two separate points and dimensions of which I utilize to motivate and push myself within an exam – instead of seeing and realizing how this merely limits me from seeing what is here in self-stability and so support myself to walk through the exam moment by moment, breath by breath – because within that my starting-point is based on fear and desire rather than me, being here, walking what needs to be walked.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a perception of the final exam as the most important thing in the world, where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own future and so take it to an extreme through making the possibility of getting a bad grade seem way greater than what it is in practical reality – but within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed manipulation in terms of going into the mind and convincing myself that this whole semester has been worthless and useless, that all the time I have spent studying and stressing about has been for nothing due to now understanding that I will lower my final grade.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to judge and blame myself as inadequate due to not nailing the final exam, wherein I would thus go into a point of grief, as though a part of me died with that final exam – which basically is what happened, because within this I see, realize and understand that I had formed a definition of myself based on always nailing the exams thus far, and while being faced with the final exam I realized that that would not be the case this time – which would then trigger such experience of grief/loss – and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear receiving the grade on my final exam due to understanding that the teacher will have to ask me what the hell went wrong – and so I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the teacher’s feedback due to having allowed myself to take the result of my performance personally and thus within that understanding that the teacher will point out that I have never performed this bad before – not seeing or realizing that, yes, the teacher will point this out and will most likely get quite surprised by the result to say the least, but that does not mean that I have  to take it personally, it does not mean that I have to blame and judge myself, as who I am, according to the feedback.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an emotional attachment to ‘bad grades’ and ‘failure’ – where I react to everything except nailing the exam in absolute despair and shame – instead of within that seeing and realizing that reacting to it in despair and shame cannot assist or support me in any way, but that I am merely feeding and empowering the point of accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the grades even more.

I’ll continue on this point tomorrow.

How We Make The Smallest Things Seem Huge - Day 382

• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to assist and support myself within busy periods of time in where I have a lot on my plate – but have instead accepted and allowed myself to form a pattern of generating and manifesting a fight with and within myself, where I am essentially attempting and trying to fight myself into ‘making it’ – not seeing or realizing that it is during such periods of time that I am in most need of actually assisting, supporting and caring for myself in the sense of working with me instead of against me, through finding practical solutions to be able to walk through what needs to be done – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create even more pressure, strain and stress within myself during periods of time where I am faced with a lot of things that needs to be done - and in that creating and putting extra strain and pressure of stress on my physical body as well – and so within this I see, realize and understand that through going into reactions and stress when I am faced with busy periods of time I am only making myself experiencing the situation as extra-difficult – where I am the one that decides to experience my practical reality as difficult and stressful – when all the while I can actually within that assist and support myself to direct myself into simply walking through what needs to be done – that generating and manifesting stress will not, and cannot, help me in any kind of way.

• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when and as I am faced with stressful situations/moments/periods – I am merely fueling the stress through accepting and allowing myself to react towards the situation/the things that I have to get done – where I realize that I have formed a habit of going into a reaction of stress/anxiety whenever I perceive it to be ‘too much’ – and from that reaction will go into a fight with myself – where I believe that I require to push myself to get it done and within that not seeing or realizing that fighting fuels the stress even more – and that within stress I am actually unable to direct myself effectively.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to self-sabotage through making everything that I have to do into a factor of stress, where I am immediately attaching stress to anything and everything that I see must be done – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make things so much harder than what they have to be through seeing what needs to be done as something that ‘I must do’ – as though it is a matter of life or death – not seeing or realizing how I am making the smallest things seem so huge through accepting and allowing myself to look at the points within the mind, where I am essentially blowing things out of proportion instead of practically looking at and walking through one thing at a time – because within this I see, realize and understand that in physical space and time I can only do so much and I can only do one thing at a time – however, when I am within the mind thinking about everything at once it will seem overwhelming and too much – and so I see and realize that I am self-sabotaging when and as I, within the mind, list all the things that I apparently have to do – because within that I am not at all looking at practical reality or what I can do right here and right now – but will instead merely prevent myself from moving, from directing myself into actually doing – and am thus wasting time thinking about what needs to be done – where I see, realize and understand that what I could do to assist and support myself is to instead just decide, within that moment, what needs to be prioritized and then just do it, just walk it and then from there further assess what needs to be done etc. – to in that be here, move myself here – instead of generating stress and going into complete paralysis.

• Within this I commit myself to re-instruct myself within busy periods of time to, when I see myself reacting to/towards the situation/the things that I have to do, assist and support myself by going through what I can and within that walk it breath by breath, and whenever stress come up, I take a moment, breathe, get out of the mind and get back into the physical, placing my attention and focus on the thing I am busy doing – saying to myself “do what you can” – and so within that really practice that point of walking it through one breath at a time to prevent myself from making it seem overwhelming.

Fearing The Absence Of Stress - Day 381

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a reaction of fear and anxiety as an automatic response to when I see myself being relaxed and not stressed – where I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the absence of stress to fear, believing that ‘something is wrong’ as a consequence of how I have adapted and aligned myself with the constant and continuous internal experience of being stressed and anxious.

• Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to self-sabotage within moments where I am not experiencing stress through generating and going into an experience of discomfort due to believing that ‘this is not how I should experience myself’ based on the inherent pattern which I realize that I have, in a way, become addicted to – where I basically see ‘being stressed’ as the ‘normal state of my beingness’ – and within that accepting that to be and become what I am ‘comfortable’ within, how I believe that I should experience myself – and then when I do not experience stress, something is apparently wrong – and so within that not seeing or realizing how I am actually deliberately self-sabotaging in moments where I do not experience stress – where I am, within such situations/moments,  essentially going into the mind where I go over everything that I apparently ‘must do’ – and in that am consequentially placing myself back into the pattern of stress.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the absence of stress – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate and manifest stress within moments where I see that I am not actually stressed through going into the mind in where I am essentially searching for stuff that I can stress about, where I allow myself to go into the belief that ‘I must have forgotten something’ as an automatic response to the absence of stress – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume and expect that I have forgotten or missed something if I do not experience stress – not seeing or realizing that this is how I tend to self-sabotage, where I have allowed myself to get so used to and addicted to the inherent pattern of stress and struggle that I am within that deliberately making life and living more difficult for myself, as though I want to struggle/fight – where I even see myself capable of stopping and directing myself out of the stress – but where I have allowed myself to form a resistance towards experiencing anything else than stress as a consequence of how I have mistakenly connected the absence of stress to ‘something is wrong’.

• I forgive myself that I have, within and throughout my life, accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when I do not experience stress, then that must mean that I have forgotten something – where I have for such an extended period of time existed within the habit of always stressing about every single thing I have to do – and how I have, within that, merely ‘escaped’ the stress within moments where I actually have forgotten something, which then later on, when remembering the thing I had forgotten, would go into an even more intense experience of stress – and so I see and realize that I have consequentially formed an automatic pattern of going into fear when I do not experience stress, where I am connecting that absence of stress to ‘having forgotten something’ – and so within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have the ability to actually look at and investigate whether I have forgotten something or not without going into or generating stress immediately when I find something that I have missed, that the stress in itself will not and cannot help me or support me in any kind of way within such situations – and so I realize that fearing the absence of stress due to thinking and believing that that would imply that I have forgotten something is really just an habitual pattern that I have created, a pattern which does not support me.

• And therefor I commit myself to assist and support myself within moments where I see that fear start to emerge as a consequence of the absence of stress, where I see that thoughts about whether I have forgotten something or not starts to appear – to within such situations see and realize that I am busy generating the pattern of stress – and so therefor I stop my participation and breathe, where I ground myself here and move myself out of the fear and within that slow myself down where I instead practically check my schedule/calendar and thus stick to practical reality, where I see, realize and understand that I do not require stress within that moment but to instead plan and organize my responsibilities.