Facing The Storms Of Life By Yourself - Day 409

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others or another will think or believe that I am in some way dependent on, in need of or reliant on that person – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an immediate reaction of anger and aversion when and as I perceive a pattern within another that indicates that that person thinks or believes that I expect something or anything from that being or am in some way dependent, in need of or reliant on that person – where I see and realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fear to and towards becoming dependent on or in some way count on another; from the perspective of expecting something from another or expecting another to be here for me when I, in some way, would require or be in need of assistance or support – as I within that have linked and connected such dependency to undoubtedly and definitely getting disappointed, deceived and let down – and where I thus turn this fear of getting let down by another into anger, where I see and realize that I have formed an automatic pattern wherein I push people away through anger, exclusion, spitefulness and aversion as an attempt to protect myself from getting disappointed, deceived or let down in the future – where I am projecting myself into the future and accessing memories of my past wherein I experienced such scenarios with the beings that supposed to be responsible for taking care of me – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I may or might, within a relationship with another being, create assumptions in relation to expecting that the other being will be there for me, assist or help me in situations or moments where I have formed the presumption that the other being would respond through standing by my side when I am faced with something that I perceive as difficult or hard to walk through and face on my own  – and so within this fear accepting and allowing myself to push people away through utilizing anger, spitefulness and exclusion immediately when or if I perceive another to in some way show any form of pattern that implies that the other person thinks or believes that I expect something, am in need of or dependent on that being – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and assume that if another person forms the idea and belief of me as being dependent on, in need of or reliant on that person in any kind of way, then such idea and belief would further result in the other being feeling obligated to assist and support me – as though it is a duty rather than the other being actually wanting to stand by my side and/or face and walk through something together with me - and through this I see, realize and understand that I have formed this pattern in where I react in anger, aversion, spitefulness and push people away as a response within situations/moments wherein I interpret it as though the other person’s starting-point and underlying reason for assisting/supporting/standing by my side is based and founded on an experience of obligation – where I see how the interpretation I form within the mind of another person, feeling obligated to stand by my side will activate a program and pattern within me where the intention is to show another that I absolutely do not need no one and that I definitely do not expect another to be there for me.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project and superimpose anger onto another if or when I perceive the person to show any form of pattern that I perceive as an indication of that being thinking or believing that I expect assistance or support in any kind of way – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond to such interpreted pattern through excluding and ostracizing the other – and I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this anger that comes up within me in situations where I perceive another to think or believe that I expect something from or am dependent on that being, is actually self-anger – because within this I see, realize and understand that these instances/circumstances are triggering self-anger within me – where I become angry with myself as a result of seeing that I have allowed myself to form expectations, a dependency and attachment to another person – that I have allowed myself to ‘become vulnerable’ from the perspective of accepting and allowing myself to get influenced by who and how another person decides to be and so whether or not another person decides to stand by my side when I am faced with and have to walk through something difficult – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become angry at and blame myself when I see myself getting disappointed as a response to another person’s behavior and/or decision of who to be in relation to that which I am faced with and have to walk through – in where I see and realize that when I notice that I get influenced in any kind of way due to another person’s decision of who to be as a response to who I am or what I am faced with, I will immediately go into self-anger – due to thinking and believing that letting myself get influenced by another person’s behavior is an indication of me, accepting and allowing myself to not be independent and strong enough but rather having allowed myself to become  weak and stupid for expecting or wanting a specific response from another person – where these situations become moments where I am in a way telling myself ‘I told you so’ in spitefulness, where I blame myself for not living according to the principle of ‘trust no one’.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and form a general idea about people wherein I think and believe that others are not to be trusted, that others will always betray, lie and leave, that allowing myself to assume or expect something or anything from another will always with no exceptions lead to disappointment, that I am not to count on or expect others to support or help me when I require assistance, that I am not to think that others would want to help me if I would to ask for assistance, that others will always leave or in some way deceive, that allowing myself to in any way get attached to another is the most dangerous thing I can expose myself to – and within this not seeing or realizing how this indicates a total lack of self-trust, as I am within this expecting and assuming that I cannot trust myself to be able to stand stable within situations where I perceive others to betray, live, leave, let down, deceive etc. – thus thinking and believing that I require to prevent myself from ever exposing myself to such conditions – instead of seeing and realizing that what I rather would require as a point of prevention is for me to incorporate and really live self-trust and self-support – where I rather learn and practically live within self-stability in my self-relationship, trusting myself and so my capacity to face situations and have relationships with other beings without having to fear others possible behaviors but rather stand within myself, trusting myself and so realize that all I need is me, is my self-trust, is my commitment to not disappoint myself or let myself down from the perspective of not living self-care and thus supporting myself no matter external circumstances/situations – wherein I see and realize that what I would require is for me to really understand that what I for certainty can trust is myself and my capacity to direct myself within a situation to support myself, to make sure that I stand by my side, wherein I realize that another or others behaviors or what another decides to do are not to be taken personally, as I see and realize that a decision made by another is never in fact caused by me and so not my responsibility.

• When and as I think and believe that I see a pattern within another that indicates that the person thinks or believes that I expect something or anything from that being or am in some way dependent, in need of or reliant on that person and in where I see myself reacting in fear and anger where I feel the urge to push the other away – I stop and I breathe – in this I commit myself to slow myself down and take a moment to ground myself here – wherein I stop my participation within anger and realize that excluding, projecting anger and spitefulness outwards onto another will not and cannot solve my internal experiences – because within this I see, realize and understand that when anger emerges within me it is merely indicating self-anger, and so therefor I no more accept and allow myself to take such anger out on another but instead I commit myself to support myself through standing as my self-awareness, where I re-instruct myself within the moment and direct myself out of the pattern through first making sure that I slow myself down through breathing and in that ground myself here, within myself, where I take the decision to stand by my side, to support myself and to realize that I do have me – and therefor I commit myself to always make sure that I am here for me, that I stand here with me and in that practice on accepting and embracing the support and assistance that others give, where I realize that others supporting me is their decision – and as I realize that I remain here by my side, with me, supporting myself, I further see that there is no need in fearing and resisting others support or fearing that I may not be able to trust the support – because no matter what, I make sure that I stand by my side.

How we are Enslaving Ourselves to the Past - Day 406

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to anyone that in any way show any form of pattern which I perceive to be similar to the patterns and behaviors that I have linked and connected to the first foster-mother – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just automatically and instantaneously activate and go into a protection mechanism within the mind when encountering or facing a being that in some way show any form of pattern/behavior/mannerism which I perceive to be based on superiority, authority and/or dominance as that which are part of and activates the protection mechanism that I have formed within the mind, and in this I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself as who I am, how I experience myself and how I decide to behave within a moment when perceiving another person to show a pattern of superiority/authority/dominance, where I automatically and instinctively go into a state of inferiority due to thinking and believing that I require to avoid and prevent any possibility of triggering an experience of ‘being challenged’ within the other person in the sense of the being interpreting it as though I am not obeying, conforming, submitting and subduing – as I think and believe that if I in any way trigger, activate or generate such interpretation/perception within the other then that would result in the other being feeling the need to take it to an extreme to state and show that I am not to think that I have the right to stand up for myself in the sense of indicating that I am self-confident, assertive or believe myself to be anything else than inadequate to the other being – and so within this not seeing or realizing how I am actually in fact self-sabotaging through accepting and allowing myself to go into a state of inferiority as I am the one living according to MY own self-created beliefs in the sense of how I have formed an idea in regards to how I think that others will react and experience themselves as that which gets triggered and activated through who I am within a moment – not seeing or realizing that I cannot in fact ever know how each and every individual will react to who or how I am, but that I am basing this idea and belief on memories and past events of how ONE single individual would react – and where I was the one that formed the link and connection between that one single individuals reaction and who I perceived myself to be and behave, wherein I see and realize that I interpreted it as though the only thing that would reduce and prevent the reactions within the being was if and when I took on an inferiority-character – and through all of this I see, realize and understand that I am self-sabotaging through accepting and allowing myself to form and shape my life and who I am, and decide to be within specific situations/moments, according to that one experience that I had with one individual in relation to what I perceived to trigger and activate reactions within the person’s mind – where I am merely reacting to my own memories and assumptions instead of being here in every moment and so decide to simply be me, stand stable and observe every situation without veiling it with expectations, assumptions and anticipations.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to unquestionably trust the protection mechanism that I have formed within the mind in regards to who I believe that I have to be and become when seeing a pattern within another that in any way show and indicate dominance/authority/superiority – where I have just blindly, habitually and continuously accepted and allowed myself to follow and comply with the belief and idea of it being imperative and necessary that I change myself to protect myself – but within that not seeing and realizing that I am making assumptions in the sense of supposing that my life, my safety and I am at risk if I remain stable, assertive and confident, if I remain here, being me, while facing a person that I perceive to show and indicate superiority/authority/dominance, and within that not ever giving myself the opportunity to find out what would actually in real, practical, physical reality happen if I allowed myself to simply stand with the being, observing and assessing that which exists directly as the physical, where I direct myself to remain stable and face whatever may/might emerge – as I see and realize that the beliefs and ideas that I have formed are based on memories of past events and that I am thus making my assessment of how and who to be within a moment based on situations occurring in the past – which reveals to me that I cannot trust the beliefs, ideas and assessments that I make of how or who I require to be within a situation as my starting-point and outset is not based on or representing the here and now or who/how another being is – because instead I am merely reacting to points that I have taught myself to see as ‘alarming’ but am within that not at all seeing the real reality as I am instead getting caught up in and preoccupied with what I imagine to be here – and I see and realize that anything that does not exist directly here as the physical is the mind and is thus not to be trusted or conformed to.

• When and as I am faced with or am encountering an individual that I perceive to, in any way, show a pattern that is based on superiority/authority/dominance and where I see that the ‘protection-mechanism’ that I have formed within the mind gets activated in the sense of seeing myself wanting and feeling the need to go into a pattern of subduing and suppressing myself to show that ‘I am not challenging you’ – I immediately stop and take a deep breath – where I commit myself to take self-responsibility through no more accepting and allowing myself to just blindly and instinctively go into a state of inferiority but instead break this habit through directing myself immediately within a moment where I see that I am faced with a being that I am reacting to/towards due to perceiving the being to show any form of pattern that in any way reminds me of a pattern within the foster-mother – to within such situation take my power back to me, where I take a stance within myself to not go into and not follow the belief of it being necessary for me to change myself as who I am to not risk my own safety – but instead I bring myself back to here, where I make sure that I only participate in that which exists directly as the physical – to within that take the decision to remain stable within myself through utilizing breath, where I ground myself, and within that focus on being me, on showing myself that I do have the capacity to direct myself and to decide for myself who I am going to be within any given moment – and therefor I commit myself take this responsibility, to live this responsibility for myself to make sure that I practically practice on standing stable within myself no matter external circumstances and other people – and so walk this until it is a constant, living principle of me, of who I am.

Surviving The Trauma Caused By an Adult's Abuse - Day 404

The constant fear of ‘getting caught’ by the first foster mother while doing something apparently wrong/bad. Getting caught in the sense of doing something that I believed could, in some way, trigger/activate/generate negatively charged experiences or reactions within the foster mother – walking on eggshells all the time, constantly afraid of her walking in on me when I was alone due to perceiving it as though everything I did could, and would, trigger reactions within her. Completely paranoid at all times due to seeing how she would think that I had, and accuse me of having done stuff which I hadn't even done. Accusing me of using her expensive shampoo, accusing me of throwing up, hiding food, not eating, stealing chocolate, accusing me of not doing as I was told etc.

• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to live in constant fear of getting caught or having the foster mother walk in on me while I was alone due to thinking and believing that all I did and all I was, was ‘wrong’, bad, inadequate and anger-provocative – thinking and believing that no matter what I did or how I did it, I did it wrong and not good enough, and through/due to this consequentially forming an idea of it being just who I was as a person that was the problem since no matter how I changed my behavior and mannerism, I still got the same response from the foster mother, and within this not seeing and realizing that the fact that I did change and attempted to do my best to please her in every way possible, it still didn’t result in any changes within her or her experience and reactions towards me – and so I see and realize that it wasn’t even about me, it wasn’t about who I was as a person but that it rather had to do with her internal reality and that I would merely stand as and become a point that she could project her reactions onto and take it out on – and in this I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to in a way deliberately utilize her abuse to be able to feed and empower the already existing self-belief of myself as being worthless and useless – where I see and realize that I was still responsible for not ever accepting and allowing myself to start questioning and investigating whether another person’s reactions to and towards me really did represent the real me or the totality of who I was – but would instead invert the reactions and patterns that I saw in the foster mother through repetitively thinking that I was wrong, that who I was as a person was simply just a worthless piece of crap and so incredibly bad that no matter what I did, I would inevitably trigger and generate negative reactions of anger and disapproval within another – not seeing or realizing that no matter how I changed myself and no matter how I aligned myself with what I was told, I was still faced with the foster mother’s outbursts – and within this I do see, realize and understand that I wasn’t even the cause/source/origin of her internal reactions and experiences but that I never exposed that fact to myself, that I did not even give myself an opportunity to consider the fact that I wasn’t responsible for another person’s reaction because within me I had an already existing belief and idea of myself that was based on negativity, so the foster mother would essentially just confirm the beliefs that I already had lingering in the back of my head to me.

• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of myself and empower the belief of myself as being worthless and useless due to not seeing and realizing that I was not the reason for the foster mother’s reactions and I furthermore forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take self-responsibility within my current living and life but have instead accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously go back into the pattern of being ashamed of myself whenever I perceive another person to react in a similar way as the foster mother would when I did something apparently ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’ – instead of seeing and realizing that I am always, with no exceptions, the one that takes the decision to go into such experiences and back-chats about myself – wherein I see and realize that I am self-sabotaging through accepting and allowing myself to invert the reactions of another since I am within that embracing, empowering and feeding an already existing self-belief of myself through internally deciding to interpret and perceive another person’s reactions to be ‘my fault’ and a consequence of my worthlessness and uselessness and my apparent provocative nature – instead of, within such moments, deciding to direct myself, to change myself and to once and for all stop feeding such self-beliefs as I see and realize that it is not who I am, that it is just based on memories wherein I have taught myself to see myself in a specific way and that accepting and allowing myself to still give myself the right to access such definitions and beliefs even when realizing that it is not me, indicates deliberate self-sabotage wherein I realize that the only reason for why I would obey and comply with such bullshit coming up within the mind as a response to seeing another person reacting in a way that reminds me of the reactions within the foster-mother would be because I decide that I would like to feel like shit – and so therefor I see, realize and understand that I am fully responsible for how I decide to respond within my mind when I see a similarity to the patterns that I perceived within the foster-mother within another, and so I realize that I do have the tools of which to utilize within such moments to stop the alarm, to stop the protection-mechanism and so instead decide not to invert it, not to simulate an imaginary reality within the mind wherein I imagine that the words that I tell myself within the mind are the thoughts of the other person – because I see, realize and understand that the shit that comes up within my mind is my shit, it is not representing what another thinks of me and either way I still have the capacity, the ability and the responsibility to not accept and allow such abuse within me, to not accept and allow myself, as the one that I am going to stand and live with for the rest of my life, to be a bully, to be someone that does not assist and support me – I mean, if anything I should be the one that, at all times, makes sure that I stand with me, that I stand by my side deciding to assist and support myself no matter the situation I am in and no matter the reactions I perceive to come up within another.

• I commit myself to take self-responsibility for the fear I have created to and towards reactions within others that I perceive to be similar to the foster mother’s reactions – through seeing and realizing that the reactions that emerges within me is a result of the protection-mechanism that I have formed, wherein I will essentially react to anyone, anything and everything that reminds me of or that I perceive to be similar to the behaviors/patterns within the foster mother – but that when such reaction emerge within me I still have the capacity and ability and the responsibility to stop, to take my power back to me and so decide to stand by my side – supporting me – and so therefor I commit myself to no more accept and allow myself to just automatically and instantaneously go into the mind and blame myself for a perception I have formed in regards to another person reacting due to who I am – but instead I take charge of who I am where I re-instruct myself to take a moment, breathe myself out of any reaction that got activated within me and in this I commit myself to take self-responsibility through realizing that anything that comes up within my mind as a response to what I perceive to get activated as a reaction within another, is my responsibility – is my own self-sabotage, so if I feel like shit or allow myself to back-chat about how useless and worthless I am, then that is simply me, self-sabotaging – which I no more accept and allow myself to participate within or stand for – no, I do not accept and allow myself to stand for self-sabotage but instead I make sure that I slow myself down when seeing myself participating within self-beliefs and in that stop my participation, I breathe, and I direct myself to only participate in that which exists directly as the physical – where I focus on being here, within my physical body, within this physical existence and thus make sure that I change this pattern, that I let go of this pattern – so that I can give myself the opportunity to establish the principle of always standing by my side as a living decision of who I am in every moment of breath.