Standing on My Own Two Feet - Day 413

An Epidemic of Chronic Boredom - Day 412

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my life and living in relation to what I practically do within my daily participation as dull, boring, insignificant, unfulfilling, incomplete and unsatisfying – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously just blindly and automatically allow the experiences of being unsatisfied, bored and unfulfilled to exist and take over when it comes up within me, as though ‘that is just the way it is and has to be’– without seeing and realizing that the ‘way it is’ is my creation, that both the experiences I have formed as responses to what I do within my practical living and the actual life I decide to live as what I participate within is all based on my decisions, on me deciding to be unsatisfied with what I do within my life but still just continue living as is due to convenience – wherein I see and realize that I require to actually take responsibility for my own life and living through, within self-honesty, look at, investigate and sort out the continuous experiences I have in relation to my living and within that make clear, direct decisions within my life.

• In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become rigid, strict, stiff, oppressive and restrained as who I am and within what I do practically – where I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live within the moment from the perspective of allowing some spontaneity and self-expression but have instead allowed myself to become completely constraint and restricted – where I see and realize that I have self-sabotaged for myself within my life and living through constantly and continuously thinking about the things that I ‘have to do’ and the responsibilities I have and where I have consequentially formed my daily living according to fear of not getting things done, on fear of not being enough and doing enough – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others may/might think and the possibility of others becoming disappointed/angry/annoyed with my performance/effectiveness if or when I would not get ‘enough’ done within my day or not do the things that I perceive others to expect of/from me – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I am the one manipulating and sabotaging through accessing fear of others and fear of others possible opinions of me and what I do within my life - and within that letting such fear guide, move and direct me – instead of me, asking myself, what I require to be able to give myself the life that it is that I would really want for myself – because within this I see, realize and understand that this is actually my life – and how I choose to live is my decision alone – and, deciding to live within fear of not being who I think others want me to be and fear of not being ‘enough’ is not what I want for myself, is not what I want my life to be based on and driven by – and so I see, realize and understand that only I can change this and therefor I commit myself to assist and support myself within moments where I see that I am accessing fear of not being ‘enough’ in the eyes of others – where I within this stop my participation and ground myself here through breathing – where I take a stance to no more accepting and allowing myself to follow, comply with and allow fear of others to direct me within my life, within my daily decisions and within my practical participation – but instead I support myself through slowing myself down, making sure that my starting-point behind what I practically do is that of self-direction and self-movement.

How we are Enslaving Ourselves to the Past - Day 406

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to anyone that in any way show any form of pattern which I perceive to be similar to the patterns and behaviors that I have linked and connected to the first foster-mother – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just automatically and instantaneously activate and go into a protection mechanism within the mind when encountering or facing a being that in some way show any form of pattern/behavior/mannerism which I perceive to be based on superiority, authority and/or dominance as that which are part of and activates the protection mechanism that I have formed within the mind, and in this I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself as who I am, how I experience myself and how I decide to behave within a moment when perceiving another person to show a pattern of superiority/authority/dominance, where I automatically and instinctively go into a state of inferiority due to thinking and believing that I require to avoid and prevent any possibility of triggering an experience of ‘being challenged’ within the other person in the sense of the being interpreting it as though I am not obeying, conforming, submitting and subduing – as I think and believe that if I in any way trigger, activate or generate such interpretation/perception within the other then that would result in the other being feeling the need to take it to an extreme to state and show that I am not to think that I have the right to stand up for myself in the sense of indicating that I am self-confident, assertive or believe myself to be anything else than inadequate to the other being – and so within this not seeing or realizing how I am actually in fact self-sabotaging through accepting and allowing myself to go into a state of inferiority as I am the one living according to MY own self-created beliefs in the sense of how I have formed an idea in regards to how I think that others will react and experience themselves as that which gets triggered and activated through who I am within a moment – not seeing or realizing that I cannot in fact ever know how each and every individual will react to who or how I am, but that I am basing this idea and belief on memories and past events of how ONE single individual would react – and where I was the one that formed the link and connection between that one single individuals reaction and who I perceived myself to be and behave, wherein I see and realize that I interpreted it as though the only thing that would reduce and prevent the reactions within the being was if and when I took on an inferiority-character – and through all of this I see, realize and understand that I am self-sabotaging through accepting and allowing myself to form and shape my life and who I am, and decide to be within specific situations/moments, according to that one experience that I had with one individual in relation to what I perceived to trigger and activate reactions within the person’s mind – where I am merely reacting to my own memories and assumptions instead of being here in every moment and so decide to simply be me, stand stable and observe every situation without veiling it with expectations, assumptions and anticipations.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to unquestionably trust the protection mechanism that I have formed within the mind in regards to who I believe that I have to be and become when seeing a pattern within another that in any way show and indicate dominance/authority/superiority – where I have just blindly, habitually and continuously accepted and allowed myself to follow and comply with the belief and idea of it being imperative and necessary that I change myself to protect myself – but within that not seeing and realizing that I am making assumptions in the sense of supposing that my life, my safety and I am at risk if I remain stable, assertive and confident, if I remain here, being me, while facing a person that I perceive to show and indicate superiority/authority/dominance, and within that not ever giving myself the opportunity to find out what would actually in real, practical, physical reality happen if I allowed myself to simply stand with the being, observing and assessing that which exists directly as the physical, where I direct myself to remain stable and face whatever may/might emerge – as I see and realize that the beliefs and ideas that I have formed are based on memories of past events and that I am thus making my assessment of how and who to be within a moment based on situations occurring in the past – which reveals to me that I cannot trust the beliefs, ideas and assessments that I make of how or who I require to be within a situation as my starting-point and outset is not based on or representing the here and now or who/how another being is – because instead I am merely reacting to points that I have taught myself to see as ‘alarming’ but am within that not at all seeing the real reality as I am instead getting caught up in and preoccupied with what I imagine to be here – and I see and realize that anything that does not exist directly here as the physical is the mind and is thus not to be trusted or conformed to.

• When and as I am faced with or am encountering an individual that I perceive to, in any way, show a pattern that is based on superiority/authority/dominance and where I see that the ‘protection-mechanism’ that I have formed within the mind gets activated in the sense of seeing myself wanting and feeling the need to go into a pattern of subduing and suppressing myself to show that ‘I am not challenging you’ – I immediately stop and take a deep breath – where I commit myself to take self-responsibility through no more accepting and allowing myself to just blindly and instinctively go into a state of inferiority but instead break this habit through directing myself immediately within a moment where I see that I am faced with a being that I am reacting to/towards due to perceiving the being to show any form of pattern that in any way reminds me of a pattern within the foster-mother – to within such situation take my power back to me, where I take a stance within myself to not go into and not follow the belief of it being necessary for me to change myself as who I am to not risk my own safety – but instead I bring myself back to here, where I make sure that I only participate in that which exists directly as the physical – to within that take the decision to remain stable within myself through utilizing breath, where I ground myself, and within that focus on being me, on showing myself that I do have the capacity to direct myself and to decide for myself who I am going to be within any given moment – and therefor I commit myself take this responsibility, to live this responsibility for myself to make sure that I practically practice on standing stable within myself no matter external circumstances and other people – and so walk this until it is a constant, living principle of me, of who I am.

The Torment of Being Falsely Accused - Day 405

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally through going into fear, shame and self-blame when perceiving it as though I am getting accused of something by another and when interpreting it as though the person is disappointed or angry at me - no matter if I have actually done what I perceive myself to be accused of or not, wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a pattern activated by fear, in where I immediately react when I perceive another to accuse me of having done something which the other person do not agree with or approve of and in where I automatically and instantaneously go into the belief and idea that I have to protect and defend myself through ensuring that I prevent the other from creating a perpetuated definition and opinion of me that is based on negativity due to that which I am being accused of - wherein I think and believe that I require to explain myself in the best possible way so that I can remove the experience/reaction that came up within another and so replace it with an explanation that I think and believe can ‘repair’ and compensate for the initial reaction that got triggered within the person, as an explanation and thus experience that is based on a positive energy instead of negative – where I see and realize that I have created a pattern wherein I think and believe that I require to protect myself from negatively charged experiences within others due to believing that such experiences can result in my safety being threatened – as I have connected this point of ‘being accused of something’ to the consequences I would be faced with when this occurred while I lived with the first foster family – and so perpetuated the pattern of instantly going into fear when perceiving myself to get accused by another, not seeing and realizing how such pattern is really in fact not helping me within my current living and life – as I see and realize that when I am within a reaction of fear I cannot see real reality or what is practically here – and that I will react to every perceived similarity to the patterns that I saw within the foster mother as a consequence of the protection mechanism I have formed within the mind – instead of seeing and realizing that such protection mechanism isn’t protecting me at all but is rather making it impossible for me to stand stable within myself and so see real reality in the sense of facing and practically walking through a situation of perceiving myself to be accused by another into a solution – which I see and realize is only possible when I take the decision to stop the fear, stop the reactions and stop the automatic pattern of attempting and trying to protect myself through inducing positive experiences through a satisfying explanation – and I realize that the solution within these situations would be to first of all making sure that I remove any and every form of internal reaction and so stand with myself in clarity and awareness where I furthermore move myself practically to investigate the situation, whether I am even being accused of something or not, and so communicate with another to find an actual, real solution that is best for both in the sense of clearing up possible misunderstandings/misinterpretations and self-honestly, and with taking self-responsibility, investigate that which I perceive myself to be accused of.

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that what I am reacting to is actually in fact my own interpretation and perception of being accused – wherein I am essentially reacting to myself as a consequence of my self-created fear of what another may/might think of me due to what I believe myself to be accused of and so how the person will see me, think about me and feel about me in the continuation – and that through accepting and allowing myself to participate within such imaginary reality I am getting distracted from participating within that which are really in fact real, and thus preventing myself from finding and coming to a real solution since I am not even capable of seeing the problem as I am preoccupied within my imagination – which I realize isn’t a real representation of what is really in fact occurring – and so I see and realize that to be able to face and walk through a problem, conflict or misunderstanding I require to bring myself out of the mind-reality as imagination and back into real reality as that which exists directly as the physical.    

• Within this I commit myself to assist and support myself within moments and situations where I think, believe and perceive that I am being accused of something by another – through within that slow myself down through breathing and thus prevent myself from going into the automatic pattern of reaction – and so in this make sure that I have slowed myself down and grounded myself here, where I can look at things within awareness and clarity – where I commit myself to re-instruct myself and change the pattern of wanting to immediately explain myself and remove the negatively charged experience that I perceive within another, to instead look at a solution – where I make sure that I stand within me stable, that I do not accept and allow myself to participate within fear but instead place my attention within practical, physical reality through asking questions, through finding out if another person is even accusing me of something or if I merely interpreted it as though I was accused due to my own internal reactions and so reacting to my own mind – and so from there I make sure that I am really seeing reality in terms of first make sure that I am removing my own reactions so that I can participate in that which exists directly as the physical reality and where I direct myself to open the point up through communicating with the being that I perceive to accuse me, through simply asking questions and clearing up any misunderstandings – where I commit myself to ensure that I am self-honest within my approach from the perspective of making sure that my starting-point is not based on the attempt to please another or wanting to say something to remove any possible negatively charged reactions/experiences within the other but that my starting-point is instead based on finding a real solution through communication, self-responsibility and self-honesty.

Surviving The Trauma Caused By an Adult's Abuse - Day 404

The constant fear of ‘getting caught’ by the first foster mother while doing something apparently wrong/bad. Getting caught in the sense of doing something that I believed could, in some way, trigger/activate/generate negatively charged experiences or reactions within the foster mother – walking on eggshells all the time, constantly afraid of her walking in on me when I was alone due to perceiving it as though everything I did could, and would, trigger reactions within her. Completely paranoid at all times due to seeing how she would think that I had, and accuse me of having done stuff which I hadn't even done. Accusing me of using her expensive shampoo, accusing me of throwing up, hiding food, not eating, stealing chocolate, accusing me of not doing as I was told etc.

• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to live in constant fear of getting caught or having the foster mother walk in on me while I was alone due to thinking and believing that all I did and all I was, was ‘wrong’, bad, inadequate and anger-provocative – thinking and believing that no matter what I did or how I did it, I did it wrong and not good enough, and through/due to this consequentially forming an idea of it being just who I was as a person that was the problem since no matter how I changed my behavior and mannerism, I still got the same response from the foster mother, and within this not seeing and realizing that the fact that I did change and attempted to do my best to please her in every way possible, it still didn’t result in any changes within her or her experience and reactions towards me – and so I see and realize that it wasn’t even about me, it wasn’t about who I was as a person but that it rather had to do with her internal reality and that I would merely stand as and become a point that she could project her reactions onto and take it out on – and in this I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to in a way deliberately utilize her abuse to be able to feed and empower the already existing self-belief of myself as being worthless and useless – where I see and realize that I was still responsible for not ever accepting and allowing myself to start questioning and investigating whether another person’s reactions to and towards me really did represent the real me or the totality of who I was – but would instead invert the reactions and patterns that I saw in the foster mother through repetitively thinking that I was wrong, that who I was as a person was simply just a worthless piece of crap and so incredibly bad that no matter what I did, I would inevitably trigger and generate negative reactions of anger and disapproval within another – not seeing or realizing that no matter how I changed myself and no matter how I aligned myself with what I was told, I was still faced with the foster mother’s outbursts – and within this I do see, realize and understand that I wasn’t even the cause/source/origin of her internal reactions and experiences but that I never exposed that fact to myself, that I did not even give myself an opportunity to consider the fact that I wasn’t responsible for another person’s reaction because within me I had an already existing belief and idea of myself that was based on negativity, so the foster mother would essentially just confirm the beliefs that I already had lingering in the back of my head to me.

• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of myself and empower the belief of myself as being worthless and useless due to not seeing and realizing that I was not the reason for the foster mother’s reactions and I furthermore forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take self-responsibility within my current living and life but have instead accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously go back into the pattern of being ashamed of myself whenever I perceive another person to react in a similar way as the foster mother would when I did something apparently ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’ – instead of seeing and realizing that I am always, with no exceptions, the one that takes the decision to go into such experiences and back-chats about myself – wherein I see and realize that I am self-sabotaging through accepting and allowing myself to invert the reactions of another since I am within that embracing, empowering and feeding an already existing self-belief of myself through internally deciding to interpret and perceive another person’s reactions to be ‘my fault’ and a consequence of my worthlessness and uselessness and my apparent provocative nature – instead of, within such moments, deciding to direct myself, to change myself and to once and for all stop feeding such self-beliefs as I see and realize that it is not who I am, that it is just based on memories wherein I have taught myself to see myself in a specific way and that accepting and allowing myself to still give myself the right to access such definitions and beliefs even when realizing that it is not me, indicates deliberate self-sabotage wherein I realize that the only reason for why I would obey and comply with such bullshit coming up within the mind as a response to seeing another person reacting in a way that reminds me of the reactions within the foster-mother would be because I decide that I would like to feel like shit – and so therefor I see, realize and understand that I am fully responsible for how I decide to respond within my mind when I see a similarity to the patterns that I perceived within the foster-mother within another, and so I realize that I do have the tools of which to utilize within such moments to stop the alarm, to stop the protection-mechanism and so instead decide not to invert it, not to simulate an imaginary reality within the mind wherein I imagine that the words that I tell myself within the mind are the thoughts of the other person – because I see, realize and understand that the shit that comes up within my mind is my shit, it is not representing what another thinks of me and either way I still have the capacity, the ability and the responsibility to not accept and allow such abuse within me, to not accept and allow myself, as the one that I am going to stand and live with for the rest of my life, to be a bully, to be someone that does not assist and support me – I mean, if anything I should be the one that, at all times, makes sure that I stand with me, that I stand by my side deciding to assist and support myself no matter the situation I am in and no matter the reactions I perceive to come up within another.

• I commit myself to take self-responsibility for the fear I have created to and towards reactions within others that I perceive to be similar to the foster mother’s reactions – through seeing and realizing that the reactions that emerges within me is a result of the protection-mechanism that I have formed, wherein I will essentially react to anyone, anything and everything that reminds me of or that I perceive to be similar to the behaviors/patterns within the foster mother – but that when such reaction emerge within me I still have the capacity and ability and the responsibility to stop, to take my power back to me and so decide to stand by my side – supporting me – and so therefor I commit myself to no more accept and allow myself to just automatically and instantaneously go into the mind and blame myself for a perception I have formed in regards to another person reacting due to who I am – but instead I take charge of who I am where I re-instruct myself to take a moment, breathe myself out of any reaction that got activated within me and in this I commit myself to take self-responsibility through realizing that anything that comes up within my mind as a response to what I perceive to get activated as a reaction within another, is my responsibility – is my own self-sabotage, so if I feel like shit or allow myself to back-chat about how useless and worthless I am, then that is simply me, self-sabotaging – which I no more accept and allow myself to participate within or stand for – no, I do not accept and allow myself to stand for self-sabotage but instead I make sure that I slow myself down when seeing myself participating within self-beliefs and in that stop my participation, I breathe, and I direct myself to only participate in that which exists directly as the physical – where I focus on being here, within my physical body, within this physical existence and thus make sure that I change this pattern, that I let go of this pattern – so that I can give myself the opportunity to establish the principle of always standing by my side as a living decision of who I am in every moment of breath.

How We Make The Smallest Things Seem Huge - Day 382

• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to assist and support myself within busy periods of time in where I have a lot on my plate – but have instead accepted and allowed myself to form a pattern of generating and manifesting a fight with and within myself, where I am essentially attempting and trying to fight myself into ‘making it’ – not seeing or realizing that it is during such periods of time that I am in most need of actually assisting, supporting and caring for myself in the sense of working with me instead of against me, through finding practical solutions to be able to walk through what needs to be done – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create even more pressure, strain and stress within myself during periods of time where I am faced with a lot of things that needs to be done - and in that creating and putting extra strain and pressure of stress on my physical body as well – and so within this I see, realize and understand that through going into reactions and stress when I am faced with busy periods of time I am only making myself experiencing the situation as extra-difficult – where I am the one that decides to experience my practical reality as difficult and stressful – when all the while I can actually within that assist and support myself to direct myself into simply walking through what needs to be done – that generating and manifesting stress will not, and cannot, help me in any kind of way.

• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when and as I am faced with stressful situations/moments/periods – I am merely fueling the stress through accepting and allowing myself to react towards the situation/the things that I have to get done – where I realize that I have formed a habit of going into a reaction of stress/anxiety whenever I perceive it to be ‘too much’ – and from that reaction will go into a fight with myself – where I believe that I require to push myself to get it done and within that not seeing or realizing that fighting fuels the stress even more – and that within stress I am actually unable to direct myself effectively.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to self-sabotage through making everything that I have to do into a factor of stress, where I am immediately attaching stress to anything and everything that I see must be done – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make things so much harder than what they have to be through seeing what needs to be done as something that ‘I must do’ – as though it is a matter of life or death – not seeing or realizing how I am making the smallest things seem so huge through accepting and allowing myself to look at the points within the mind, where I am essentially blowing things out of proportion instead of practically looking at and walking through one thing at a time – because within this I see, realize and understand that in physical space and time I can only do so much and I can only do one thing at a time – however, when I am within the mind thinking about everything at once it will seem overwhelming and too much – and so I see and realize that I am self-sabotaging when and as I, within the mind, list all the things that I apparently have to do – because within that I am not at all looking at practical reality or what I can do right here and right now – but will instead merely prevent myself from moving, from directing myself into actually doing – and am thus wasting time thinking about what needs to be done – where I see, realize and understand that what I could do to assist and support myself is to instead just decide, within that moment, what needs to be prioritized and then just do it, just walk it and then from there further assess what needs to be done etc. – to in that be here, move myself here – instead of generating stress and going into complete paralysis.

• Within this I commit myself to re-instruct myself within busy periods of time to, when I see myself reacting to/towards the situation/the things that I have to do, assist and support myself by going through what I can and within that walk it breath by breath, and whenever stress come up, I take a moment, breathe, get out of the mind and get back into the physical, placing my attention and focus on the thing I am busy doing – saying to myself “do what you can” – and so within that really practice that point of walking it through one breath at a time to prevent myself from making it seem overwhelming.

Fearing The Absence Of Stress - Day 381

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a reaction of fear and anxiety as an automatic response to when I see myself being relaxed and not stressed – where I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the absence of stress to fear, believing that ‘something is wrong’ as a consequence of how I have adapted and aligned myself with the constant and continuous internal experience of being stressed and anxious.

• Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to self-sabotage within moments where I am not experiencing stress through generating and going into an experience of discomfort due to believing that ‘this is not how I should experience myself’ based on the inherent pattern which I realize that I have, in a way, become addicted to – where I basically see ‘being stressed’ as the ‘normal state of my beingness’ – and within that accepting that to be and become what I am ‘comfortable’ within, how I believe that I should experience myself – and then when I do not experience stress, something is apparently wrong – and so within that not seeing or realizing how I am actually deliberately self-sabotaging in moments where I do not experience stress – where I am, within such situations/moments,  essentially going into the mind where I go over everything that I apparently ‘must do’ – and in that am consequentially placing myself back into the pattern of stress.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the absence of stress – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate and manifest stress within moments where I see that I am not actually stressed through going into the mind in where I am essentially searching for stuff that I can stress about, where I allow myself to go into the belief that ‘I must have forgotten something’ as an automatic response to the absence of stress – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume and expect that I have forgotten or missed something if I do not experience stress – not seeing or realizing that this is how I tend to self-sabotage, where I have allowed myself to get so used to and addicted to the inherent pattern of stress and struggle that I am within that deliberately making life and living more difficult for myself, as though I want to struggle/fight – where I even see myself capable of stopping and directing myself out of the stress – but where I have allowed myself to form a resistance towards experiencing anything else than stress as a consequence of how I have mistakenly connected the absence of stress to ‘something is wrong’.

• I forgive myself that I have, within and throughout my life, accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when I do not experience stress, then that must mean that I have forgotten something – where I have for such an extended period of time existed within the habit of always stressing about every single thing I have to do – and how I have, within that, merely ‘escaped’ the stress within moments where I actually have forgotten something, which then later on, when remembering the thing I had forgotten, would go into an even more intense experience of stress – and so I see and realize that I have consequentially formed an automatic pattern of going into fear when I do not experience stress, where I am connecting that absence of stress to ‘having forgotten something’ – and so within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have the ability to actually look at and investigate whether I have forgotten something or not without going into or generating stress immediately when I find something that I have missed, that the stress in itself will not and cannot help me or support me in any kind of way within such situations – and so I realize that fearing the absence of stress due to thinking and believing that that would imply that I have forgotten something is really just an habitual pattern that I have created, a pattern which does not support me.

• And therefor I commit myself to assist and support myself within moments where I see that fear start to emerge as a consequence of the absence of stress, where I see that thoughts about whether I have forgotten something or not starts to appear – to within such situations see and realize that I am busy generating the pattern of stress – and so therefor I stop my participation and breathe, where I ground myself here and move myself out of the fear and within that slow myself down where I instead practically check my schedule/calendar and thus stick to practical reality, where I see, realize and understand that I do not require stress within that moment but to instead plan and organize my responsibilities.