How to Stop Being a People Pleaser - Day 402

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist stopping the pattern of attempting and trying to decode other people’s personal preferences in regards to who I perceive that I have to be or what sides/aspects of me that I have to enhance and present of myself to be able to trigger, activate and generate positive experiences, opinions and internal thoughts/back-chats within the people/person that I am encountering – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I cannot just simply let myself be me and express myself as who I am – but that I rather have to decode and assess what other people will react and respond to within and with a positive experience and thus align and mold myself accordingly – because being me is apparently not enough – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire, want and need to attain the experiences of fitting in and being approved of and accepted by others, wherein I have allowed who I am when interacting with others to be and become influenced and conditioned by this desire to be able to confirm that others approve of me as the ‘who I am’ – instead of seeing and realizing that letting such desire, want and need to guide and move me has really in fact lead me nowhere – in the sense of looking at my underlying starting-point which is to get approved of, accepted and feel as though I am ‘a good person’, someone that is appreciated, respected and loved – and in that I realize that I am denying myself acceptance, self-approval, self-respect and self-appreciation - that I am, through looking for such aspects/points externally, stating that I refuse to give these points to myself, to live these points for myself as parts and points of me – and so I see and realize that for as long as I accept and allow myself to deny myself that which I see myself require within my relationship to me through searching for it outside of myself, I am at the same time making my relationship to me, to who I am and to how I see myself dependent on external factors which I really in fact CANNOT CONTROL – since I see and realize that how others may/might react and respond to who I am does not, and cannot, define, portray or depict who I really am – since what others think and feel about me would rather represent who they are in relation to looking at their life-experiences and memories – where I realize that who I am in other people’s minds will get filtered through layers of memories, past events, inherited opinions, beliefs and so on – since I see and realize that these are aspects, points and layers that I see through as well, where I realize that when I react towards something within positivity or negativity, then that is a result and outcome of how I have created my mind through memories and past events – as such I realize that when and how I internally react towards external circumstances and other people, is a result of my own acceptances and allowances and that I am thus responsible – and through that I also realize that how another reacts and responds to me, and how others perceives/sees me, is not something I can control – as I have no idea how others entire mind works – and within this I furthermore see and realize that it is mind-reactions, not even the real person – so there is really no reason for me to take it personally, fear certain reactions and desire others – that the real solution here would rather be to investigate and look at the aspect and points that I am searching for externally and so focus on how I can incorporate and give myself such points – so that I within this can stop letting my relationship with me be dependent and conditioned by external points which I cannot control.

• When and as I see that I am attempting and trying to decode and assess who I should be and present myself as to be able to activate, trigger and generate positive experiences/opinions/perceptions/ideas within the people/person that I am interacting with – I stop and I breathe – where I commit myself to be aware of who I am when being/interacting with others and thus aware of the tendency of attempting and trying to decode and assess who I should be to be able to confirm and experience it as though others approve of, accept and validate who I am – wherein I stop myself when I see myself activating this program through the fear of ‘what others may think’ – and so re-instruct myself to take a moment, breathe, and instead place my focus on being me – and in that I furthermore commit myself to work on my relationship with me from the perspective of stopping my participation within the search for external confirmation and validation and instead investigate and explore how I can give myself that which I see myself looking for externally, how and what I require to be able to really accept myself – to in that make sure that I take responsibility for standing stable within myself, accepting me, no matter how I perceive others to respond/react to me – to in that break the dependency and enslavement that I have formed towards external circumstances and instead focus on that which I actually can control, that which I do have the ability, the capacity and the responsibility to change – as the relationship I have with myself from the perspective of what and why I deny myself that which I see myself require to be able to stop the endless external search and dependency – because within this I see and realize that being me, and actually accepting myself, is really something that I would want within my life and within my relationship to me – so, therefor I commit myself to, within this life, within my life, really embrace the opportunity to live within equality and oneness with myself through giving myself self-acceptance and self-respect – because where the pattern of searching for such aspects outside of me has lead me is really just nowhere, and will thus not lead to anything else in the future either – so therefor I commit myself to explore and investigate where I can lead myself with taking my life in my own hands and so decide to live self-acceptance for myself, to live self-respect for myself, to stand with myself instead of against myself.

You're Not to Think You are Good at Anything - Day 399

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must not, and have ‘no right to’, come across as self-confident in class and on upcoming exams after not having done well on the latest exam – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others and the teacher will perceive it as though I am not aware of how bad I performed in my latest exam or that people/the teacher will perceive it as though I am not ashamed of my bad performance if I come across as confident.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to be ashamed of my most recent performance within the previous exam to show myself and others/the teacher that ‘I am better than that’ and that I am punishing myself through being ashamed, that I am disciplining myself through being hard on myself and blaming myself – where I feel the need to show and state that I am not proud of my former performance, that I do not in any way accept such bad performance, through acting and going into the experience of shame and self-criticism – where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to show the teacher how ‘bad I feel’ and how I in no way accept such bad results – that I in no way accept myself when I have performed ‘so lousy’ – and within that accepting and allowing my continued participation within school to suffer and get conditioned through accepting and allowing myself to fear acting and coming across in any other way than as being ashamed and embarrassed, where I see and realize that I am empowering and generating the experiences of being unconfident, self-doubtful, nervous and anxious which are experienced that will really not help me within my participation in my upcoming exam – as I have seen and realized that these experiences will rather prevent me from actually showing my capacity and I am within this merely trapping myself as I see and realize that accepting and allowing myself to be unconfident and self-doubting does inevitably lead to a lesser capacity to perform well and allowing such experiences are thus deliberate self-sabotage – and I mean; am I willing to lower my grade even more just because I fear coming off as confident when I believe that I should be ashamed?

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that being hard on myself and blaming myself whenever I perceive my external performances/achievements/participation to be imperfect or not good enough indicates that I am ‘self-aware’ and that it makes me ‘a better person’ since I am at least then apparently aware of my inadequacies and showing/stating to others and so to myself that I do not accept this from myself, that I am not unaware of, stand for or am proud of myself and my performances/participation/achievements - where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and define being hard on myself as something that is positive and a good thing that makes me ‘a good person’ – not seeing or realizing how being hard on myself and blaming myself has never in fact lead me to becoming better at what I externally do or helped me performing better – since I within this become so preoccupied with blaming and being hard on myself that I consequentially prevent myself from really trusting myself and so standing within and as self-confidence when being faced with a situation wherein my capacity is being ‘tested’.

• And so I see, realize and understand that to be able to do my best within my upcoming exam I require to direct myself out of shame and self-blame and so instead decide to stand as self-confidence and self-trust, where I see and realize that I am only able to do my actual best when I do not allow a simultaneous internal fight and conflict – because when I allow myself to participate within shame and being hard on myself I am literally fighting with myself where what I would need is to work  and walk with me – and therefor I commit myself to assist and support myself in the continuation through making sure that I move myself out of self-doubt and do not accept and allow myself to be hard on myself due to perceiving myself to having performed lousy in my latest exam – but to instead let go of and give myself a clear and new opportunity where I do not accept and allow the belief of myself as being a better person and/or coming off as more aware if I am appearing as ashamed and disappointed at myself to influence and control my participation within my upcoming exam. Instead I commit myself to support myself when I see that I am being hard on myself through immediately directing myself back to here where I commit myself to walk with myself in and as who I am, here – where I see and realize that it is only me blaming myself, and that this will not help me in any kind of way and so therefor I re-instruct myself to stand on my own side in the sense of not accepting and allowing myself to continue this pattern of following and complying with the need to be seen as ‘a good person’ for recognizing my apparent inadequacies – but instead I focus on being here, standing with me and so doing my best through moving myself out of self-blame and back to here through breathing – where I commit myself to give myself this opportunity to explore and investigate how it would be like to no more accept and allow self-blame to influence and control me.

What Determines Your Worthiness? - Day 393

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire other people to react in a specific way as a response to the image I present to the world – where I within this have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the reactions I may/might trigger within other people defines who I am in the context of my value and worth – where I see and realize that I am basically utilizing my perception of how other people respond and react to and towards the image I present of myself to the world to measure who I am and to gauge my value and worth– and so within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to develop a well-grounded understanding of the true nature of personal value in the sense of actually valuing life and real living – in relation to developing and investigating what real living, real expression is and means – but have instead accepted and allowed myself to form an alternate reality as a result of allowing myself to adopt the distorted views that I have been presented with from this external world/reality – without ever questioning or investigating the beliefs, ideas and ideals that I have endorsed in terms of looking at and really live the understanding of how limiting these beliefs are, where I see and realize that the ideals and self-beliefs that I have formed and adopted as a result of the distorted views this external reality promotes are merely just opinions, ideas, beliefs – which means that they are not real, not tangible, not based on what is best for all or even based on any real value what so ever – and yet, I have allowed myself to mold my viewpoint about/of myself according to this.

• In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not feeling secure with myself as a person, where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search and look for inner peace and security connected to feeling good about who I am through seeking approval from my external reality and other people, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from internal stability in terms of actually standing with who I am and so trust myself, accept myself and give myself approval – and I forgive myself that I have within this accepted and allowed myself to create a polarity-construct in the sense of believing myself to require approval and validation from external sources to be able to ‘feel secure’ – and so consequentially manifesting the other side of the polarity, as the fear of external disapproval, criticism and rejection and the perception thereof – and so within that becoming dependent on external factors to feel approved of instead of seeing and realizing that remaining within such dependency on external factors to feel approved of, I will consequentially always remain within this polarity-game, this constant internal conflict and friction of fear and desire – where how I see myself will be in the hands of things that I have no control over.

• I commit myself to assist and support myself within situations and moments where I see that my starting-point behind something I feel the need to say or do is based on the internal experience of wanting approval from my external reality/other people in relation to the want, need and desire to stimulate/trigger specific reactions within other people and when I see that my starting-point is based on fear of rejection/criticism/disapproval – and so within that re-instruct myself to no more accept and allow myself to let an experience of wanting approval/validation or fearing rejection to be the starting-point behind who I am, how I am or what I say/do – but instead I immediately stop and breathe, where I take a moment and so re-establish my starting-point to no more accept and allow myself to search and look for approval/validation outside of myself – and so in that see and realize that to stop the fear of criticism, rejection and disapproval I require to stop the search and desire to stimulate/trigger specific responses within others to/towards me, since it is based on the same belief – as the belief I have created in relation to placing my own worth and value within the perception I form of what and how other’s sees and feels about me.

How To Become Better Than Everyone Else - Day 392

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear experiencing and interpreting it as though other people within my surrounding are more aligned with the ideal I have formed within the mind in relation to who I believe that I have to be as the self-image that I have come to perceive myself to require as a result of what I have learned to see as appreciated/valued by others – in the context of looking at who and how one must be to reactive positive feedback as validation/confirmation/attention/appreciation from other people, and within where I believe myself to require appreciation and being seen as a worthwhile person by others for me to be able to see myself as worthy – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that this would apparently mean that I am less than and inferior to beings which I perceive to be more aligned with the idea I have formed of what the ideal self-image is – not seeing or realizing that I am the only one making myself feel less than and inferior – that this experience is a result of the consent and value I allow myself to give to the belief I have formed in regards to what the ideal self-image is and further giving value to the idea that beings are either superior or inferior dependent on how aligned/affiliated the self-image that they present to the world is to the ideal I have formed and given value to within my mind as well as the value I give to the perception I form of how other people see me and respond to how/who I am.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a reaction of fear when and as I perceive another person to get recognition/validation/confirmation/attention/appreciation from others – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear which would emerge to trigger an automatic pattern that I have formed, in where I automatically will attempt and try to deteriorate, diminish and discredit other people within the mind whenever I perceive a being to be better than me, more aligned with the ideal self-image that I have formed within the mind or if I perceive another person to get more validation/confirmation/attention/appreciation than me – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to either make the person appear less than/not worthy of the recognition through secretly diminishing the being within my mind where I’m essentially searching and looking for aspects with the being that I can utilize as a means to make myself feel and see myself as less inferior, or allow myself to go into an experience of myself as being less than where I just submit to and fully trust the belief and idea of myself as being less worthwhile as a person.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a competition-construct within the mind when and as I perceive another person to receive recognition from others for how or who the person is or for something that the person has achieved, wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed instances where I perceive or interpret it as though another person is getting recognition to be and become a trigger-point that activates an automatic response within me, consisting of the experience of being challenged, where I believe that the self-image that I present to the world is being challenged – and in this have thus consequentially allowed myself to separate myself from, compare and compete with the being that I perceive to get attention/confirmation/validation/recognition – thinking and believing that my value and worth are at stake – and so believing that I require to assure my own worthiness as a person through changing who and how I am to be more aligned with what I see others to get recognition for.

• I commit myself to assist and support myself within situations where I see that another person/other beings are getting recognition from the surrounding; through within that being aware of the tendency I have of going into fear – where I realize that the fear is the automatic response that triggers the pattern of going into either an internal competition through comparing and judging myself and my own worth in comparison to the other being/beings or the pattern of going into the mind where I’ll attempt/try to deteriorate, diminish and discredit other people due to believing that my self-image is at stake – and so within this I commit myself to prevent myself from going in to this construct through being aware of, and flag-point, these situations/occasions – and so within that no more accept and allow myself to take it further when and as I see that fear starts to emerge, but to instead immediately stop and breathe when and as I see myself reacting to/towards the perception I form of other people’s achievements and the recognition they’ll get – and so within me I assert myself to not participate, to not go into the pattern of comparing/competing/judging – but instead stand within who I am, and so reinstruct myself within the moment and realize that I know where this takes me, that this that is coming up within my mind is not so cool, really not assisting and supporting me and it’s really actually fucking me up within myself and my physical and my life – and therefor I take my place within myself, within my mind, relationship to I am and relationship to my physical body and so stand in that position of really taking responsibility for who I am, for what I want, for how I want to be, for how I want to experience myself and my physical and my life within this world and reality.

How to Look and Feel Your Best - Day 391

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of not being confident when being with or around other people – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the only way for me to reassure that I prevent and evade the experiences of being uncomfortable and unconfident is through becoming as aligned and affiliated with the ideal that I have formed within the mind as I possibly can, so that I can present this ideal self-image of myself to the world – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that experiences of being uncomfortable and unconfident comes from within, as a result of my internal participation within self-judgments stemming from the basic idea I have formed of myself – and that solving these internal experiences of being uncomfortable and unconfident in certain situations will not and cannot be done through allowing and giving my consent/approval to self-judgments, and the experiences it result in, to decide who I am or my self-worth – because within that I am merely feeding and generating the program that I have formed within me – where I see and realize that changing ‘who I am’ externally as an attempt to become more aligned with the ideal self-image that I have formed within the mind, will and can merely suppress the symptoms as the internal experiences of inadequacy for so long, since I am not actually in any way changing, like really changing who I am within in the sense of establishing actual self-confidence – but am only creating a shielding layer as a measure of protection which I can hide behind to feel better about myself for just a while – until I find yet another thing about me that is not aligned with the ideal self-image. And so I see, realize and understand that to really establish actual self-confidence I require to stop this program, to stop this from the within to the without – where the only solution lays within me, within me as my self-awareness.

• And so I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I have the capacity, the ability and the responsibility to decide what I am going to accept and allow within me and so without – where I realize that emerging as that self-awareness is a decision that has to be made in practical reality, and so I commit myself to assist and support myself within situations where I see that judgments emerges within me and so I immediately stop my participation, I breathe and I bring myself back to here – where I stand as that awareness, leading my own life and thus standing as that decision to no more accept and allow myself to attempt and try to suppress the symptoms of the basic idea I have formed of myself in the context of being inadequate through attempting and trying to mold and align myself to become more like the ideal self-image that I believe to exist – but instead I face the basic idea that I have formed of myself and so stop accepting and allowing self-beliefs to tell me who I am – and so start directing myself within the situations where I see that the experiences of being uncomfortable or unconfident emerges – where I, within my awareness, realize that this is merely an experience, it does not mean that I have to go into, give value to or trust it – and so therefor I commit myself to practice this point of practically asserting myself within these situations where I direct myself not to take the judgments or experience of being unconfident personally – but instead within me decide to give myself the opportunity to find out what would happen and how it would be when I do not go into it or trust it to be me but instead just state ‘No, till here no further’.

To Exist On Something Other Than a Scale - Day 390

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people will see me as less than others/not as interesting or as good as other people and thus turn their backs on me and leave or replace me with someone ‘better’ if I do not live up to and according to the norms, as the constant strive to obtain and become the ideals that are collectively being accepted as ideally within this society in terms of who and how I believe I must and should be and present myself to the world for others to see me as interesting enough/good enough/beautiful enough/worthy enough – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear existing on something other than a scale, measuring one's alignment and affiliation with the ideal self-image consisting of what is being seen as external perfection in terms of who and how one is, behaves and looks – wherein I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of the ideals that I have formed within the mind in relation to who and how I believe I must be and so present and portray myself to the world to prevent others from seeing me and the self-image I present as less than other people’s self-images – due to thinking and believing that the measurement of my personal value will decrease in the eyes of others if I let go of or do not fit into the frame of what I perceive and believe to be defined, encouraged and valued within this system as ‘the ideal self-image’, as who and how one must be and present themselves within this world to be approved and to be seen as worthwhile person.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up the strive and attempt to fit into the frame of what is being seen as the ideal self-image in terms of what I perceive to be approved and valued externally in the context of how and who a person should and require to be for others to praise, validate and value the being – where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I will get exchanged/replaced with someone else within the relationships that I have - thinking and believing that I won’t stand a chance against people that I perceive to be more aligned and ranked higher on the scale that measure one’s alignment and affiliation with the ideal self-image, and so believing that I would consequentially be replaced within the relationships that I have with other people.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise and limit myself and my life through placing greater importance and value on external validation than on creating a relationship with me where I place value and importance on who I am and on establishing unconditional self-acceptance, where I have allowed the approval of others to be the standard by which I gauge my own worth – instead of seeing and realizing that letting my perception of someone else’s opinion shape the view I have of myself is actually a deliberate decision, wherein I decide to absorb and incorporate the perception I form of what others think of me – and that I thus have the ability, the capacity and the responsibility to stop placing value and importance on external feedback and my perception of whether I manage to live up to the ideal self-image or not – where I see and realize that I am dishonoring, compromising and wasting my life and so myself as who I am through accepting and allowing myself to attempt and try to mold and change myself into becoming someone else externally – where nothing within me, as my internal circumstances, will or can change through external adjustments and alterations.

• When and as I see that fear emerges within me due to perceiving myself as who I am, what I accomplish or how I look, to be inadequate/not good enough/not aligned with what is referred to as ideally or affiliated with the belief I have formed within the mind towards what an ideal self-image is – I stop and I breathe – within this I commit myself to assist and support myself through taking a moment to breathe and ground myself here, where I no more accept and allow myself to feed and empower such internal fear and belief of myself and my worth as being defined and gauged by how close or how far away I am from the image I have formed within the mind in relation to what the ideal self-image is – but instead I commit myself to assist and support myself to immediately stop my participation, bring myself back to here and in that focus on what matters in terms of who I am and what I accept and allow within - and so I make sure that I direct and move myself to not accept and allow any further participation within perceptions of myself that are based on comparisons with the idea I have formed of what an ideal self-image is but instead I reassert myself within the moment to assist and support myself to ground myself here through breath.

I Really Want You To Fail - Day 386

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will succeed in ways and within areas where I perceive myself to have failed within or am unable to succeed within – due to thinking and believing that if another person can succeed and manage to obtain a better result than me within areas that I participate within, then that must mean that I am not ‘as good as that person’ but am rather less than and inadequate – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare the perception I have of my external performances/accomplishments to others, where I within that have allowed myself to create a pattern of constant comparison and competition in the sense of believing that who I am, and so my self-worth, is determined and measured by whether or not I perceive others to be better than me within areas that I participate within as well.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the image I present of myself to the world will be deteriorated and degraded if and when I perceive someone else to be better than me or more successful than me within areas of which I participate within as well.

• Within this I forgive myself that I have not ever within or throughout my life accepted and allowed myself to question this pattern of self-interest as how I exist and live within this world in relation to others, where all I have come to care about is presenting an acceptable image of myself to the world – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to question and ask myself why – in the sense of looking at and investigating how and why I believe that presenting an acceptable image of myself to the world would matter or determine who I am - I mean; here I am busy separating myself from all and everyone through a continuous pattern of competition, where I essentially want others to fail just so that I can portray myself as more successful within the mind, but – why? What purpose does that serve?

• And so within this I commit myself to, through my writings and my self-forgiveness, start to investigate, look at and question the patterns I have formed in relation to feeling the need to portray and present an acceptable image of myself to the world – where I see and realize that I do not even understand my own creation fully, where I exist within an obsession in regards to the results I obtain externally in the sense of fearing failure and desiring to be better than others within what I do – but in where I have never really asked myself why, since – no matter what I ‘accomplish’ externally I have still always feared failure and especially in the context of perceiving myself to not be as good as others, due to thinking and believing that if I do not manage to portray an acceptable image of myself to the world then that must mean that I am inadequate – and so to within this look at the pattern of competing with others, where I realize that the construct serve no purpose but is merely perpetuating my existence within separation from others – and am thus separating myself from me through comparing myself with points and aspects that are outside of me – instead of actually establishing a relationship with me where I live self-acceptance and in that expand and grow within what I do without utilizing the points of comparison and competition, but rather move myself and so stand with others in assisting and supporting myself and so others to expand, develop and grow.

When People Give Up On You - Day 374

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I stop existing within and fueling the construct of constantly demanding myself to be the best that one can possibly be in school, I will become and experience myself as I did in the past in relation to school in where I saw myself as someone that teachers would become impatient with and give up on – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear experiencing it as though others give up on me or see me as careless/lazy/undisciplined due to thinking and believing that the perception others form of me can determine who I am – not seeing or realizing that for others to be able to determine who I am, I must give my consent and approval – thus I see and realize that I am always responsible for how I see myself and for what I accept and allow myself to define myself according to and what not – that just because I form a certain perception/interpretation of how another sees me does not automatically mean that I have to align myself with that, but that I have the capacity, the ability and the responsibility to in every moment decide who I am and so who I am going to be in relation to the perception I form of what others think about me/how others sees me.

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I require and am dependent on fear of what others may/might think of me for me to be able to move and motivate me into working hard in school – and so within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping my participation within fear of being seen as a failure/not good enough/lazy/careless/undisciplined by others due to not trusting myself in the sense of thinking and believing that if I do not fear what others may/might think of me, I won’t be able to push and motivate myself into actually work hard – not seeing or realizing that I have not even given myself the opportunity to become the directive principle of me but have instead always allowed myself to rely on external factors to be what determines what I do and my motivation – and so within this I furthermore forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to determine and decide who I am for myself – but have instead always within and throughout my life waited for others to tell me who I am, what I am capable of and what I must do – in where I have accepted and allowed myself to look and search for others expectations and demands and unquestionably align myself and my living accordingly – where I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to even consider looking inside of myself, trusting me in relation to seeing and realizing that I do not require external factors to motivate me, to tell me who I am or what I am capable of – but that what I really in fact require is me, is to establish self-trust and a relationship with myself in where I, instead of looking outside of myself for motivation, investigate within myself what I require to move myself.

 

• Within this I commit myself to assist and support myself within moments where I see that fear of what others may/might think of me in relation to my external participation in school comes up – to within that moment immediately stop my participation and breathe, where I no more accept and allow myself to give value to and go into the fear – but instead start questioning it in the sense of looking at; does others possible thoughts/experiences of me really determine who I am? – and so within this I commit myself to take my life in my own hands in the sense of looking inside of me, trusting myself and realizing that I have the ability, the capacity and the responsibility to move myself – and so I commit myself to make sure that I am the one that directs me within what I am doing.

How Fear Controls an Overachiever - Day 373

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how other people may/might react if I do not attain the best possible results in school, in where I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that other people demand and expect me to always be aligned with what is defined as a ‘high achiever’ and within that would consequentially get disappointed and see me as less worthy if I wouldn’t manage to ‘remain within that category’ in the sense of not getting all the correct answers on exams etc. – not seeing or realizing that these are all just projections of my own internal reactions to and towards myself, where I am the one who have accepted and allowed myself to form demands in relation to what I perceive that I have to achieve to not become disappointed at myself and feel less worthy – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how I think and believe that others sees me – not seeing or realizing that this is deliberate manipulation – in where I have accepted and allowed myself to project my responsibility in regards to deciding who I am and how I see myself onto others, through unquestionably just accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to how I think, believe and perceive others to see me – not seeing or realizing that how I experience myself and how I see myself does not automatically have to be dependent on how others sees me, but that I am the one who has created this connection and dependency, and am thus the one who has decided to define myself according to my perception of how others sees me and what they may/might think of me – in where I have allowed my experience of myself to be and become dependent on others – and within this I see and realize that I am responsible for and am capable of deciding who I am and how I am going to experience myself in every moment.

 

• And in this I see and realize that I am actually deliberately holding onto this fear in regards to what others would think of me if I wouldn’t attain the best possible results anymore – in where I am holding onto that fear as an attempt to move and motivate me into continuously working harder – and I realize that this is a construct that is based on my lack of self-trust, where I do not trust that I am capable of moving and motivating myself into working hard – so within this thinking and believing that I require some form of external motivation to keep me going – where I fear that I wouldn’t be as motivated to work hard if I did not fear the possible outcome of not working hard, and so I see how I created this point of fearing how others might see me as an attempt to make school something more than what it is in the sense of making my results within school seem more important – because when only looking at the practical aspect of grades, I couldn’t really find enough importance and value within striving for good grades – and so I attached something more to it, something that could motivate me into aiming for good results. And within this I see and realize how I actually saw school as completely useless as a child – and in where I later realized that I will have to walk through school in some way or another – where I thus attempted and tried to find a meaning within it, as something that could actually make me ‘care’ and motivate me so that I would be able to actually move myself to walk through something that I initially saw as useless – and so in that created this point that I saw myself ‘care for’ and fear – as the point of what others think of me, and in where I used that point to make school into something ‘important’ instead of ‘useless’.

 

• In this I commit myself to further investigate this one point of how I, as a child, made myself see school as something useless, worthless and totally unimportant and boring, where I basically just did not care and saw myself as ‘that student’ who just did not give a fuck, who cut classes, who failed on exams and did not even bother - to how I later went into the total polarity of seeing school as ‘the most important thing’ and in that also becoming the polarity of who I was. I mean; looking at this it’s interesting to see how I always obsessed about what others may/might think of me and that I also did care about school and my results only because of that one point of seeing that others defined me according to my results – but that I immediately just saw myself as incapable of achieving good results, in where I just instantly decided that I was not good enough, that I would never be able to become ‘one of the smart kids’ – and so in that decided to talk myself into and convincing myself that ‘I don’t care about school’ – which became a defense-mechanism for not having to feel worthless all the time, as I did not understand but had great problems with managing the whole situation in school – and so just gave up in a way. Where I thus later on saw that to be able to walk through school I have to utilize that one single point that initially made me care about school but that I ‘gave up’ due to perceiving myself as not good enough/incapable – as the fear and obsession with what others think of me. And so I commit myself to investigate this whole construct that I have set up for myself in where I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize fear of what others might think of me as the motivation and driving-force behind why I work so hard – and so instead establish self-trust in relation to practicing on and learning how to move myself, how to become the directive principle of me – in where I see and realize that I do not require fear of what others might think for me to be able to actually motivate and move myself within what I do.

Self-Inflicted Stress And Self-Anger - Day 372

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not understanding something within school immediately – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, if and when I see myself being unable to immediately understand/comprehend something go into a reaction of irritation and self-anger, where I create and manifest self-inflicted stress and self-blame as an automatic outflow whenever I perceive it as though I do not comprehend something – not seeing or realizing that inflicting stress and self-irritation/anger will not, and cannot, actually help me within the situation, that it will not make me more inclined to actually understanding the information but that I am within this just starting an internal fight with myself where I am essentially bullying myself for not being a super-human that understands everything immediately – where what I actually would need in such situation to assist and support myself to understand would be to slow myself down and investigate what it is that I don’t understand and thus look at what I require to be able to understand – and that when I go into a reaction and internal conflict I am only making it even harder – because within this I now see, realize and understand that when I go into a reaction of ‘I don’t get it, aaaaaaah I am so stupid’ I have already decided that I will not understand and have thus locked myself into that self-belief which prevents me from focusing on what I would require to comprehend – in where I instead become preoccupied within a reaction and internal fight.

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get so caught up within this one single point of not understanding something that I completely forget about and disregard everything else – in where I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and participate within the reactions and internal conversations that emerges within me in moments where I perceive myself to be unable to understand/comprehend something – and in that placing all of my focus and attention on this one single dimension – in where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this one point of not understanding/comprehending something specific as something that defines the totality and entirety of my life, of who I am and my self-worth – and in this I see, realize and understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this pattern of taking things to an extreme, in where I do not see reality or the entirety of my existence because of accepting and allowing myself to get caught up within one dimension as the one point in relation to something that I do not perceive myself to understand immediately and completely – and in where I within that allow myself to define my whole existence according to the reactions that comes up within such instant – where I all of a sudden see my whole life and myself as worthless – merely because I do not perceive myself to understand something within a moment.

 

• In this I commit myself to assist and support myself in moments where I perceive it as though I do not comprehend/understand something immediately – to in such moments stop the reactions and slow myself down through breathing – in where I practice on remaining here, where I see, realize and understand that starting a fight with myself within the mind will not help me to understand – and therefor I commit myself to stop within such moments and direct myself out of self-sabotage in where I re-instruct myself to instead look at what I require in that moment to be able to actually understand – and so give myself a solution instead of starting an internal fight. 

The Difference Between Caring and Fearing - Day 371

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I do not fear failure, then I will fail – in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the fear of not reaching perfect results through thinking and believing that I will ‘stop caring’ if I do not fear failure – where I within this have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming someone who ‘doesn’t care’ as a result of how I have judged that as shameful and a sign of lacking discipline – not seeing or realizing that I have allowed fear to be what directs, moves and motivates me for such an extended period of time that I have never actually considered or given myself the opportunity to develop self-movement where I within my self-relationship directs myself, but have rather just waited for internal stress and fear to ‘activate’ me – where I now see and realize that I can within this move and direct myself without having to generate an experience first. 

 

• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust my ability and capacity to move myself due to having accepted and allowed myself to rather trust fear, anxiety and stress for such an extended period of time – in where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is only when I fear failure that I will practically push myself to do what is required to be done – where I have consequentially formed a resistance towards stopping this fear as a result of believing myself to be dependent on internal experiences of stress/fear/anxiety for me to be able to motivate myself into working hard.

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to fear and resist not going into and stopping fear and stress when and as I see it emerging within me – where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately generate and manifest fear and stress as an attempt to push myself to work harder and faster – as I see how I have created myself in relation to my external reality, where I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become completely dependent on an experience to tell me what to do – where I have allowed that experience of fear and anxiety to be what determines how hard I work, where I only take things ‘seriously’ if I first generate and go into fear, stress, anxiety and nervousness, as that is what I have learned to link and connect to something that is apparently important – where I, on the other hand, when stopping and deleting the fear, the nervousness, the anxiety and the stress, I will within me experience it as though I don’t care, I don’t take it ‘seriously’ – which in itself would trigger yet another fear, as the fear of not caring, and the fear that not caring/not seeing what I practically participate within as something that determines my value will be able to direct me into a state in where I become unmotivated and undisciplined – not seeing or realizing that I do have the ability, the capacity and the responsibility to move and direct myself to walk through my practical responsibilities – and that I am capable of doing that no matter what, that I do not require to make it seem as though my self-worth is dependent on the result I obtain within what I am doing to be able to motivate myself into actually working hard – and so within this I do see, realize and understand that I have actually never even given myself the opportunity to develop this self-movement, where I direct and motivate myself into studying and walking through my daily responsibilities with me being the directive principle – but have instead, for so long, just trusted some form of experience to ‘activate’ me, and therefore I see and realize that it will take time, practice and patience – but that I am ready to walk it, that I am ready to take that decision to stop the fear-activation, in where I practically practice on leading myself within my life.

 

• And so within this I commit myself to give myself the opportunity to assist and support myself within my practical participation through re-instructing myself – where I commit myself to change my starting-point to immediately stop and breathe when and as I see that fear comes up, and in this state; ‘No! I move myself now, I do not require fear’ – to in this moment practice self-movement in real-time, where I no more accept and allow myself to continue the dependency that I have formed to/towards fear, but instead take the decision to move myself, to direct myself and to walk that practically, where I change the pattern of waiting for fear to activate me –in where I instead take the initiative to move, direct and motivate myself – as I within this realize that fighting myself through going into fear and stress will and does weaken my physical body and in the long-run I will and am creating consequences which are not cool – and therefor I commit myself to support myself to within this learn how to live self-movement here and now.

Why Do We Fear Giving Up The Fear? - Day 370

This post is a continuation from:

• When Perfection Isn't Good Enough - Day 367 
• Shattering The Shackles Of Being a 'High Achiever' - Day 368 
• The Curse Of Being An Overachiever - Day 369

So, these last two days I’ve got the chance to test my application in regards to stopping the fear that emerges within me when I feel as though I am/my capacity are about to be tested. I’ve had two exams these last two days and yesterday I decided not to go into that fear, nervousness, anxiety and stress that normally just comes up within me.

Before an exam I usually go through the material one-two hours before the exam just to give myself one last brief overview. While doing that I see myself having a tendency of getting stuck – where I find myself having forgotten some of the stuff, or usually it is like one word or one letter within one word that I have mixed up or are not completely sure about, and in that the panic/fear/stress-experiences gets triggered – where I see myself taking it to an extreme and have all of a sudden within the mind decide that I DON’T KNOW ANYTHINNNNNNNG, IIIIII’M SCREEEEEEEWED!!!!!!!!!. . .

Before Thursday’s exam I sat down and walked through some of the material. Before sitting down I had already taken the decision for myself to not go into the fear, but rather just give myself an opportunity to repeat some of the ‘easier material’ instead of immediately taking on the most complicated and intricate parts. This was to give myself a chance to awaken my brain, lol. As I see that I sometimes require like a moment ‘warm up’ and that when I immediately take on the intricate stuff I am putting myself in a position where I kind of like ‘leave an open window’ for the mind. So, to prevent the stress and panic to overwhelm and take over I started with going through some things that I am confident within. I immediately saw a major difference within me – I was just calm and confident where I normally would experience the exact opposite. Though I still saw some fear and stress humming in the background but it wasn’t even close to what I normally go through before an exam with being all jittery and with my heart beating like a jungle drum and being all freaked out.

Before yesterday’s exam I re-instructed myself while going through the overview in where I directed myself to be here within awareness and in that made sure that I did not allow any form of fear. What was interesting was that I saw a slight concern, where I felt as though something was almost ‘wrong’ due to how calm I was. Like, I have for such an extended period of time existed within and allowed this intense fear to exist within me and take over before a big exam that when I wouldn’t go into it I felt as though something ‘was missing’ in a way. And I saw that the concern stemmed from the belief I have created in regards to thinking that I need to be stressed and anxious to ‘care’ and to be able to push myself, as though I require the fear to activate me.

Without the fear the exam didn’t feel so big and important anymore – and if I do not see the exam as a matter of life or death then I won’t actually study as intensely. And in this I realize that I have actually deliberately created this program of attaching fear to exams as an attempt to force myself into seeing it as incredibly important and from there force myself into studying as though the exams actually are a matter of life or death. In that also convincing myself within the mind that I don’t know anything, that I will fail etc. which I also see is something that makes me push myself even harder before an exam, where I study everyday as though I don’t know anything and as though it is the first time I go through the material, even though I, within me, see and realize that I have the knowledge that are required, but I deliberately manipulate myself into believing that I don’t know anything at all – that I have to re-learn everything, that I have forgotten everything.

And in that I realize that I fear giving up the fear, as I realize that if I do not manipulate myself into seeing exams as utterly important but instead see it for what it is, well, then I will see it for what it is. It’s just an exam. My self-worth is not at stake here. So, I realize that I require looking into and investigating this point of thinking and believing that if I do not continue seeing it as though my life and self-worth are at stake or determined by the results I get on exams then maybe I’ll become lazy or unmotivated or undisciplined and maybe I won’t get the highest grades – and oh my, who am I then?

To be continued.. 

The Curse Of Being An Overachiever - Day 369

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist stopping my participation within the fear of not achieving perfect results within my external reality and the fear of what others may/might think of me if I all of a sudden would not fall into the category of ‘being a high achiever’ anymore – in where I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I require the fear, the stress and the anxiety for me to be able to move and motivate me into working as hard as I am able to and perceive that I have to, to be able to achieve good results – not seeing or realizing how extensively I am compromising my life, my relationship to myself, to my physical and so to my world and reality just because of this one single point in relation to my continuous participation within fear of not being and achieving ‘perfection’ externally. In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the fear of not managing to achieve perfect results that I am existing within are just an indication of me, ‘caring’ – in where I have accepted and allowed myself to mistakenly and manipulatively created and manifested a belief and idea in relation to the fear of not reaching external perfection – where I am seeing it as something that indicates that I actually care, that it somehow indicates that I have integrity – but, in this I now see, realize and understand that it is rather the opposite – because this is not caring or integrity, I do not care about life at all – but instead I have accepted and allowed myself to prioritize and give value to internal fears and self-beliefs – where I have consequentially neglected and disregarded my self-support, which I realize would be an immediate indication of lack of care and integrity – because I am accepting and allowing fear of not being and becoming someone that is perceived as ‘perfect’ – but this ‘perfect’ is actually something that is based on external knowledge and information in relation to what I have been taught to define as ‘good’ and ‘bad’ and ‘valuable’ and ‘inadequate’ etc. – not seeing or realizing that these definitions are not in any way based on what actually supports life and living, but merely based on external programming in relation to how this whole world-system functions and works, where I have allowed myself to give more value to being perceived as ‘good’ than what I value actual, real, life. 

 

• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the only one that is keeping me from changing into becoming someone I would actually, really be able to stand as and live with for eternity is me – in where I have accepted and allowed myself to project this responsibility onto others through allowing myself to utilize the thought ‘what would others think of me if I changed’ as an excuse and justification for why I should continue existing as is within my relationship to what I practically do in my external reality in where I have allowed myself to think and believe that others expect me to be a high achiever, and that if I start valuing self-care and self-support more than what I value ‘being seen as and being aligned with the definition of being a high achiever’ then I will change in a way which will make others ‘think less of me’ in the sense of others seeing me as someone who doesn’t live up to my potential and capacity. And so within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will think less of myself if I would not be able to see myself as a ‘high achiever’ anymore, based on what I do and do not perform in my external reality – where I have accepted and allowed myself to project this fear onto others – not seeing or realizing that I do not actually fear that others will see me as someone who does not live up to her own potential/capacity but that I fear how I would experience myself if I would not be able to define myself as a high achiever anymore, and thus how I would experience myself if I would perceive that others stops defining me as a high achiever – and so I see, realize and understand that whether others sees me as a high achiever or not can only influence my experience of myself as long as I accept and allow myself to define and link my self-worth to what I perceive myself to achieve externally. 

 

• Within this I commit myself to assist and support myself within my practical reality in situations where I see that fear, stress and anxiety emerges within me due to perceiving that I, and my capacity, are about to be ‘tested’ or measured through, within that moment of seeing the fear coming up within me, immediately stop and breathe – where I do not accept and allow myself to go into that fear but instead I slow myself down within that moment, where I give myself a moment to just breathe and ground myself here – in where I realize that fear, stress and anxiety will not and cannot help me – and so I no more accept and allow myself to cause strain on my physical and on my self-relationship through just automatically going into the fear but instead I take a stance within me to no more accept and allow myself to follow the automatic program – but instead I commit myself to in such moments really give myself the opportunity to slow myself down and bring myself back to here – to my physical, where I both internally and practically slow myself down through moving myself and my awareness back to here, to every movement and every breath.

 
 

Shattering The Shackles Of Being a 'High Achiever' -Day 368

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will expect me to always achieve perfect results within what I externally participate within due to thinking and believing that if others expect something specific of me, then I have to live up to that – not seeing or realizing how I have just automatically given value to and taken for granted that others expectations are something I must live up to, unquestionably – without seeing and realizing that just because I perceive it as though others  have expectations in relation to what I manage to do and what not, does not automatically mean that I have to ‘satisfy’ their belief and align myself and my living according to their expectations – that I can and have the responsibility to actually decide over my own life and living – where I must be the one that decides what I will prioritize in my life and what not. And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear deciding over my own life in relation to actually taking self-responsibility through directing and deciding what I will prioritize – due to thinking and believing that ‘people will think less of me’ if I do not live up to the definition of being a ‘high achiever’ and ‘someone who works really hard and am self-disciplined’.

 

• And so within this I forgive myself that I have not ever, within or throughout my life, accepted and allowed myself to ask myself; what do I want to do, what do I need – and what is most important for me? – but have instead always accepted and allowed myself to push myself to attempt and try to align who I am with what I perceive others to expect of me – in where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to completely forget about me, about who I want to be in my relationship with myself – and have instead just blindly accepted and allowed myself to prioritize and fear others expectations and definitions of me – as though others expectations/my perception of others expectations should be my map, my guide in relation to what I do and do not do.

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist stopping my participation within a life which is constituted and shaped according to my perception of others expectations due to thinking and believing that if I do not continue pushing myself to live up to others possible expectations then I will disappoint others and be seen as someone who does not ‘live up to my own capacity’ – not seeing or realizing that; yes, sure – everyone could actually achieve perfect external results, but this is about what one decides to prioritize, and I see that I am compromising my self-support and my relationship with myself due to letting my priority, my driving-force and starting-point within life be the perception I have of what others ‘expect of me’ – where I am within this not taking self-responsibility through looking at 1.What do I require/need to be stable 2.Who do I want to be and how do I want to experience myself within my relationship with me? 3.What is needed/what do I actually require to do to for me to survive within this system? – Because within this I see, realize and understand that the strain I have manifested and placed on myself are not based on practical consideration in relation to seeing that it is needed for me to assure my survival within this world-system of money, but rather based on my fear of what others may/might think of me – where I am merely utilizing this point of ‘I have to push myself to make sure that I am stable within this system’ as an excuse and justification for why I should continue my existence within this program that I have set up for myself – where I see and realize that the program I have manifested is based on fear of not living up to others expectations/fear of not being seen as ‘good enough’ and thus the desire to be seen as perfect, as successful, as hard-working etc. – and that these two polarities of positivity and negativity, of desire and fear, are what moves and directs me – where I realize that I am holding on to and perpetuating the fear of what others may/might think of me if I do not live up to the definitions and expectations I perceive others to have of me through allowing myself to exist within desire to and towards external validation and confirmation in regards to myself as being ‘good enough’, hard-working and a 'high-achiever'.

 

• Within this I commit myself to assist and support myself through investigating this point in relation to how I have constituted and founded my life and my relationship to what I externally participate within – where I commit myself to, through my writings, self-forgiveness and commitment-statements, open up and investigate what it is that moves, directs and motivates me in relation to what I externally do, why I do it and what I would actually require to support myself within my life, my living, my relationship with me and so my survival within this system – where I commit myself to realign and reinstruct myself to stop accepting and allowing fear and desire to be what moves me within what I participate within and instead take my life in my own hands where I live self-responsibility through actually being the one who decides what is important and what is not important when considering my self-support, my relationship with me and my stability within the system - because within this I see, realize and understand that how I am currently living is not cool, is not supportive and is not something I would want to look back at later and realize that I actually could have lived in another way - but did not. Therefor I commit myself to walk through this construct and really in that give myself the opportunity to create a life for myself that I would really want, a life that I can look back at without regretting and asking myself; why didn't I live?