When Perfection Isn't Good Enough - Day 367

I got a result back on a school-assignment and the feedback from the teacher went as following; “An A, of course”. These two last words, “of course”, made me realize how this is actually something I have created and linked a fear to and towards, because I see how this is triggering the program that I have created and manifested within me in relation to letting my starting-point behind why I work so extensively hard be based on fear of others disappointment - where I fear that I will not live up to the definition that I perceive others to have of me, especially in regards to teachers. In this I clearly see that teachers sees me as someone who will, “obviously”, always do what needs to be done to get an A. I mean, the last time that I did not receive an A, but instead a B on an exam, I almost started crying. Lol. It’s easy to laugh at it now, as I see how silly it is, but when I got the result back, saying “B, Well done!”, I felt as though my whole world was falling apart. That experience, and the fear thereof, is something that is currently directing me within my everyday participation – where I am constantly and continuously straining myself and pushing myself so hard as an attempt to avoid that experience that emerges within me whenever I perceive that I am not ‘the best’ or ‘achieving the best results as one possibly can’. When I get an A on the other hand, it’s like ‘nothing’ emerges within me, because it just fits my self-definition, it will not trigger anything as it is aligned with ‘my demands’ – so, I see how I am within this constantly pushing myself because of fear of having to face the experience that emerges within me when I am faced with a result that does not fit my self-definition, that is not aligned with what I believe others to expect of me.

So, what I see here is that I have formed a self-definition that is based on the belief and idea I have about what others expect of me in relation to my achievements in school and similar external participations in where one can either attain ‘good’ or ‘bad’ results. And I realize that I fear that other people will feel the same about me as I do when not achieving the best possible result – because I have accepted and allowed myself to, within that; blame, judge, upbraid and criticize myself so extensively and in where I consequentially take for granted and assume that other people, who expect me to achieve ‘the best possible result’, will think and feel the same way about me. I mean, even if I get an A on an exam but have one incorrect answer I will give myself permission to judge myself. Where I only see my ‘mistakes’ and apparent imperfections – and am thus never, ever seeing what I actually do manage to do, because what I manage to do is just like, not important, I will not register it. I mean, I see how I can never within this live self-acceptance or self-trust as I within this instead have decided to overlook and disregard my own capacity and in where I instead only see the small details that I perceive to be ‘imperfect’ and insufficient. In this I see that this is a contributing factor to the reverberating negativity that I incessantly exist within and as, as the current state of my beingness – where I will demand absolute perfection but expect that I will always fail. Realistically looking I see that it is not always possible to attain absolute perfect results; sometimes I might even misspell a word. Lol.

I realize that it is important for me, within my relationship with myself, to really release and free myself from this construct and program. Especially since I will start studying even more subjects in the near future – where I will have even less time, and thus I realize that this means that I must look at my situation rationally, seeing that it is unacceptable for me to continue compromising my self-support as a consequence and outflow of the construct I have manifested in where I constantly prioritize perfecting my external participation/achievements and within that neglect, disregard and put myself second.

I will walk this through with self-forgiveness in blogs to follow.