The Negativity Will Exist Until Perfection Exists - Day 365

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my whole approach to/towards my practical participation within school and to/towards my daily responsibilities to be and become permeated and infiltrated by an internal sensation of negativity – where I forgive myself that I have, within and throughout my life, accepted and allowed negativity to be and become a constant underlying sensation within me in where I continuously am attempting and trying to balance that negativity out through pushing myself harder within what I participate in – thinking and believing that I will be satisfied and at ease if only I become better at what I do, if only I become perfect and do not have to put so much effort into school, if only I become soooooo good that it will just ‘come natural’ – lol. And so within this I see, realize and understand that I have formed and manifested an approach and attitude towards my life in where I am in a way thinking and believing that the state of negativity and underlying sensation of ‘not being satisfied’ is somehow based on and linked to how hard I must work, how much effort I require to put into things and how ‘being perfect and attaining perfect results in my practical participation’ does not come ‘natural’ to me – and in where I am utilizing these beliefs to move and push myself – believing that I will be satisfied and at ease only when ‘things come natural to me’ in the context of not having to ‘work hard’ but instead just kind of like having ‘an easy life’. 

 

• And so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to counteract and balance out the inherent state of my beingness which is based on negativity through, without even seeing or being aware of it, constantly search and look for the polarity of positivity to cover up and suppress this reverberating negativity – where I have accepted and allowed myself to search for this positivity and attempted to become satisfied with my life and so with myself through pushing myself to become better at what I externally participate within – not seeing or realizing how I am and have always been trying to escape the internal constant negativity through searching for an experience of being satisfied with life and with myself outside of me – not seeing or realizing how I am merely within this separating myself from me, because in this I have just unconditionally and unquestionably accepted and absorbed the inherent sensation and state of negativity where I thus continuously anticipate and assume that things will be hard and tough for me, that I have to work really hard all the time and that I require to be ’prepared for failure’.

 

• In this I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my life and daily participation complicated, difficult and a burden through just allowing myself to assume and anticipate that things will be hard – not seeing or realizing that I can actually decide for myself how I will approach things, that existing within a constant state of negativity will not, and cannot, actually help me in any way – and so I see, realize and understand that I require to take my life in my own hands and in that stop this state of my beingness, to stop the sensation of negativity and in that furthermore stop the continuous attempt to cover it up through attempting to attain the positive polarity of ‘becoming satisfied’ through looking and searching outside of me.

 

• I commit myself to assist and support myself in situations and moments where I see that the sensation of negativity emerges within me, where I see that it is most prominent within moments where I am faced with tasks/responsibilities/school-work, and in where I thus become aware of such moments and my approach towards it – in where I assist and support myself through stopping and breathing when I see that my starting-point and attitude towards what I am doing is based on negativity and in that I ground myself here – in where I make sure that I do not accept or allow the negativity to move me or direct me and in where I commit myself to not accept or allow myself to attempt/try to cover the sensation of negativity up by searching and looking for positivity within what I externally participate within – but to instead be here, alive, in where I take the decision to move myself – and within this giving myself the opportunity to simply just be here, face, approach and walk through my daily responsibilities/tasks/school-work with me being the directive principle of myself and thus no more accepting and allowing negativity to be the state of who I am.