How Fear Controls an Overachiever - Day 373

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how other people may/might react if I do not attain the best possible results in school, in where I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that other people demand and expect me to always be aligned with what is defined as a ‘high achiever’ and within that would consequentially get disappointed and see me as less worthy if I wouldn’t manage to ‘remain within that category’ in the sense of not getting all the correct answers on exams etc. – not seeing or realizing that these are all just projections of my own internal reactions to and towards myself, where I am the one who have accepted and allowed myself to form demands in relation to what I perceive that I have to achieve to not become disappointed at myself and feel less worthy – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how I think and believe that others sees me – not seeing or realizing that this is deliberate manipulation – in where I have accepted and allowed myself to project my responsibility in regards to deciding who I am and how I see myself onto others, through unquestionably just accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to how I think, believe and perceive others to see me – not seeing or realizing that how I experience myself and how I see myself does not automatically have to be dependent on how others sees me, but that I am the one who has created this connection and dependency, and am thus the one who has decided to define myself according to my perception of how others sees me and what they may/might think of me – in where I have allowed my experience of myself to be and become dependent on others – and within this I see and realize that I am responsible for and am capable of deciding who I am and how I am going to experience myself in every moment.

 

• And in this I see and realize that I am actually deliberately holding onto this fear in regards to what others would think of me if I wouldn’t attain the best possible results anymore – in where I am holding onto that fear as an attempt to move and motivate me into continuously working harder – and I realize that this is a construct that is based on my lack of self-trust, where I do not trust that I am capable of moving and motivating myself into working hard – so within this thinking and believing that I require some form of external motivation to keep me going – where I fear that I wouldn’t be as motivated to work hard if I did not fear the possible outcome of not working hard, and so I see how I created this point of fearing how others might see me as an attempt to make school something more than what it is in the sense of making my results within school seem more important – because when only looking at the practical aspect of grades, I couldn’t really find enough importance and value within striving for good grades – and so I attached something more to it, something that could motivate me into aiming for good results. And within this I see and realize how I actually saw school as completely useless as a child – and in where I later realized that I will have to walk through school in some way or another – where I thus attempted and tried to find a meaning within it, as something that could actually make me ‘care’ and motivate me so that I would be able to actually move myself to walk through something that I initially saw as useless – and so in that created this point that I saw myself ‘care for’ and fear – as the point of what others think of me, and in where I used that point to make school into something ‘important’ instead of ‘useless’.

 

• In this I commit myself to further investigate this one point of how I, as a child, made myself see school as something useless, worthless and totally unimportant and boring, where I basically just did not care and saw myself as ‘that student’ who just did not give a fuck, who cut classes, who failed on exams and did not even bother - to how I later went into the total polarity of seeing school as ‘the most important thing’ and in that also becoming the polarity of who I was. I mean; looking at this it’s interesting to see how I always obsessed about what others may/might think of me and that I also did care about school and my results only because of that one point of seeing that others defined me according to my results – but that I immediately just saw myself as incapable of achieving good results, in where I just instantly decided that I was not good enough, that I would never be able to become ‘one of the smart kids’ – and so in that decided to talk myself into and convincing myself that ‘I don’t care about school’ – which became a defense-mechanism for not having to feel worthless all the time, as I did not understand but had great problems with managing the whole situation in school – and so just gave up in a way. Where I thus later on saw that to be able to walk through school I have to utilize that one single point that initially made me care about school but that I ‘gave up’ due to perceiving myself as not good enough/incapable – as the fear and obsession with what others think of me. And so I commit myself to investigate this whole construct that I have set up for myself in where I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize fear of what others might think of me as the motivation and driving-force behind why I work so hard – and so instead establish self-trust in relation to practicing on and learning how to move myself, how to become the directive principle of me – in where I see and realize that I do not require fear of what others might think for me to be able to actually motivate and move myself within what I do.