You're Not to Think You are Good at Anything - Day 399

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must not, and have ‘no right to’, come across as self-confident in class and on upcoming exams after not having done well on the latest exam – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others and the teacher will perceive it as though I am not aware of how bad I performed in my latest exam or that people/the teacher will perceive it as though I am not ashamed of my bad performance if I come across as confident.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to be ashamed of my most recent performance within the previous exam to show myself and others/the teacher that ‘I am better than that’ and that I am punishing myself through being ashamed, that I am disciplining myself through being hard on myself and blaming myself – where I feel the need to show and state that I am not proud of my former performance, that I do not in any way accept such bad performance, through acting and going into the experience of shame and self-criticism – where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to show the teacher how ‘bad I feel’ and how I in no way accept such bad results – that I in no way accept myself when I have performed ‘so lousy’ – and within that accepting and allowing my continued participation within school to suffer and get conditioned through accepting and allowing myself to fear acting and coming across in any other way than as being ashamed and embarrassed, where I see and realize that I am empowering and generating the experiences of being unconfident, self-doubtful, nervous and anxious which are experienced that will really not help me within my participation in my upcoming exam – as I have seen and realized that these experiences will rather prevent me from actually showing my capacity and I am within this merely trapping myself as I see and realize that accepting and allowing myself to be unconfident and self-doubting does inevitably lead to a lesser capacity to perform well and allowing such experiences are thus deliberate self-sabotage – and I mean; am I willing to lower my grade even more just because I fear coming off as confident when I believe that I should be ashamed?

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that being hard on myself and blaming myself whenever I perceive my external performances/achievements/participation to be imperfect or not good enough indicates that I am ‘self-aware’ and that it makes me ‘a better person’ since I am at least then apparently aware of my inadequacies and showing/stating to others and so to myself that I do not accept this from myself, that I am not unaware of, stand for or am proud of myself and my performances/participation/achievements - where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and define being hard on myself as something that is positive and a good thing that makes me ‘a good person’ – not seeing or realizing how being hard on myself and blaming myself has never in fact lead me to becoming better at what I externally do or helped me performing better – since I within this become so preoccupied with blaming and being hard on myself that I consequentially prevent myself from really trusting myself and so standing within and as self-confidence when being faced with a situation wherein my capacity is being ‘tested’.

• And so I see, realize and understand that to be able to do my best within my upcoming exam I require to direct myself out of shame and self-blame and so instead decide to stand as self-confidence and self-trust, where I see and realize that I am only able to do my actual best when I do not allow a simultaneous internal fight and conflict – because when I allow myself to participate within shame and being hard on myself I am literally fighting with myself where what I would need is to work  and walk with me – and therefor I commit myself to assist and support myself in the continuation through making sure that I move myself out of self-doubt and do not accept and allow myself to be hard on myself due to perceiving myself to having performed lousy in my latest exam – but to instead let go of and give myself a clear and new opportunity where I do not accept and allow the belief of myself as being a better person and/or coming off as more aware if I am appearing as ashamed and disappointed at myself to influence and control my participation within my upcoming exam. Instead I commit myself to support myself when I see that I am being hard on myself through immediately directing myself back to here where I commit myself to walk with myself in and as who I am, here – where I see and realize that it is only me blaming myself, and that this will not help me in any kind of way and so therefor I re-instruct myself to stand on my own side in the sense of not accepting and allowing myself to continue this pattern of following and complying with the need to be seen as ‘a good person’ for recognizing my apparent inadequacies – but instead I focus on being here, standing with me and so doing my best through moving myself out of self-blame and back to here through breathing – where I commit myself to give myself this opportunity to explore and investigate how it would be like to no more accept and allow self-blame to influence and control me.

Living Self-Confidence When Faced With Challenges - Day 398

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my self-esteem and self-confidence in school to be and become dependent on how well I perceive myself to perform within exams and assignments – where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of being insecure and unconfident when and as I perceive myself not to perform as well as I normally do – and I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become dependent on attaining the experience of performing well for me to be able to feel and be confident – where I see and realize that I have allowed the experience of self-doubt to just take over and decide who I am, without me even questioning the experience due to thinking and believing that it is right, justified and legitimate for me to doubt myself and feel insecure when I have not performed well, thinking and believing that that gives me a free-pass to doubt myself and feel insecure – not seeing or realizing that this is an automated pattern that I have formed , where I am the one who gives my consent to self-doubt as a response of perceiving myself to having performed bad, but that just because I haven’t performed well does not mean that I have to or am obligated to doubt myself or let my confidence get influenced.

• Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take for granted and assume that whether I doubt myself or am confident will and must be determined by my external performance – wherein I would never, within or throughout my life, allow myself to establish real self-assurance and self-confidence but would instead just blindly accept and allow myself to believe that such points can merely be lived when, and as a result of, one’s external performances/achievements – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate this belief through living accordingly, wherein I would accept and allow myself to just blindly and unquestionably allow myself to limit myself within my relationship to me through not seeing and realizing that self-confidence and self-assurance can only be lived as constant points/parts within me when and as they are just that, lived, from the within to the without, as a decision and self-movement – and so I see and realize that when I am searching and looking for confidence outside of myself, within my performances and the things that I participate within, I am forming a dependency and am not at all taking responsibility for creating the self and the life that it is that I would really want for myself, but am rather looking and searching for aspects that I require within my relationship with me outside of myself – which I see and realize will inevitably lead to dependency, where I allow myself to become dependent on  the perception of performing well for me to be able to feel confident, when all the while I could have and can decide to give myself and live self-confidence as a living principle of me – to stop looking and searching outside of myself and to instead move and direct myself out of self-doubt and stop the pattern of letting my external performance determine how and who I am within myself and so without.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form expectations and/or anticipations according to the perception I have formed of how I have performed previously, wherein my latest performance within an exam/assignment determines what I expect/anticipate for the future in the sense of how I believe that I will perform in upcoming exams/assignments, wherein I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself the opportunity of always standing within myself, trusting me, and thus doing my best without anticipating or expecting any specific result but to instead live self-confidence no matter how ‘well’ I managed to perform in my latest exam/assignment.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I should not, and have no right to, be self-confident if and when I perceive my latest performance within school/an assignment/exam to be ‘bad’ – and wherein I have thus allowed my starting-point behind my continued participation, as the starting-point I have within the next exam/assignment, be and become influenced and determined by previous results – where I am holding on to past performances and thus expecting bad results if I did not perform well in the latest assignment/exam – instead of always giving myself a clean slate where I make sure that I let go of past results and instead make sure that I stand, within who I am as self-confidence, and so move myself to do my best in what is here now.

• In this I commit myself to assist and support myself to live self-confidence through no more just blindly accepting and allowing myself to go into self-doubt when I perceive my results and performances within school to be bad or not as good as they normally are – but to instead become aware of this tendency of just unquestionably believing that it is impossible and not legitimate for me to be confident within myself if and when I have not attained good results within my external participation – so therefor I commit myself to support myself within moments where I see that the experience of self-doubt starts to emerge within me, where I within such situations/moments stop, take a moment to breathe, and so re-instruct myself where I stop giving my consent to self-doubt to tell me who I am or what I am capable of – and so within that I instead make sure that I let go of past results/performances through realizing that I cannot change it, I can only make sure that I give myself the opportunity here and now to do my best – which I commit myself to do through making sure that I direct myself out of the experience of self-doubt that are based on past performances/results and so stand as and live self-confidence as a directive decision and movement.

What Determines Your Worthiness? - Day 393

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire other people to react in a specific way as a response to the image I present to the world – where I within this have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the reactions I may/might trigger within other people defines who I am in the context of my value and worth – where I see and realize that I am basically utilizing my perception of how other people respond and react to and towards the image I present of myself to the world to measure who I am and to gauge my value and worth– and so within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to develop a well-grounded understanding of the true nature of personal value in the sense of actually valuing life and real living – in relation to developing and investigating what real living, real expression is and means – but have instead accepted and allowed myself to form an alternate reality as a result of allowing myself to adopt the distorted views that I have been presented with from this external world/reality – without ever questioning or investigating the beliefs, ideas and ideals that I have endorsed in terms of looking at and really live the understanding of how limiting these beliefs are, where I see and realize that the ideals and self-beliefs that I have formed and adopted as a result of the distorted views this external reality promotes are merely just opinions, ideas, beliefs – which means that they are not real, not tangible, not based on what is best for all or even based on any real value what so ever – and yet, I have allowed myself to mold my viewpoint about/of myself according to this.

• In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not feeling secure with myself as a person, where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search and look for inner peace and security connected to feeling good about who I am through seeking approval from my external reality and other people, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from internal stability in terms of actually standing with who I am and so trust myself, accept myself and give myself approval – and I forgive myself that I have within this accepted and allowed myself to create a polarity-construct in the sense of believing myself to require approval and validation from external sources to be able to ‘feel secure’ – and so consequentially manifesting the other side of the polarity, as the fear of external disapproval, criticism and rejection and the perception thereof – and so within that becoming dependent on external factors to feel approved of instead of seeing and realizing that remaining within such dependency on external factors to feel approved of, I will consequentially always remain within this polarity-game, this constant internal conflict and friction of fear and desire – where how I see myself will be in the hands of things that I have no control over.

• I commit myself to assist and support myself within situations and moments where I see that my starting-point behind something I feel the need to say or do is based on the internal experience of wanting approval from my external reality/other people in relation to the want, need and desire to stimulate/trigger specific reactions within other people and when I see that my starting-point is based on fear of rejection/criticism/disapproval – and so within that re-instruct myself to no more accept and allow myself to let an experience of wanting approval/validation or fearing rejection to be the starting-point behind who I am, how I am or what I say/do – but instead I immediately stop and breathe, where I take a moment and so re-establish my starting-point to no more accept and allow myself to search and look for approval/validation outside of myself – and so in that see and realize that to stop the fear of criticism, rejection and disapproval I require to stop the search and desire to stimulate/trigger specific responses within others to/towards me, since it is based on the same belief – as the belief I have created in relation to placing my own worth and value within the perception I form of what and how other’s sees and feels about me.

How To Become Better Than Everyone Else - Day 392

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear experiencing and interpreting it as though other people within my surrounding are more aligned with the ideal I have formed within the mind in relation to who I believe that I have to be as the self-image that I have come to perceive myself to require as a result of what I have learned to see as appreciated/valued by others – in the context of looking at who and how one must be to reactive positive feedback as validation/confirmation/attention/appreciation from other people, and within where I believe myself to require appreciation and being seen as a worthwhile person by others for me to be able to see myself as worthy – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that this would apparently mean that I am less than and inferior to beings which I perceive to be more aligned with the idea I have formed of what the ideal self-image is – not seeing or realizing that I am the only one making myself feel less than and inferior – that this experience is a result of the consent and value I allow myself to give to the belief I have formed in regards to what the ideal self-image is and further giving value to the idea that beings are either superior or inferior dependent on how aligned/affiliated the self-image that they present to the world is to the ideal I have formed and given value to within my mind as well as the value I give to the perception I form of how other people see me and respond to how/who I am.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a reaction of fear when and as I perceive another person to get recognition/validation/confirmation/attention/appreciation from others – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear which would emerge to trigger an automatic pattern that I have formed, in where I automatically will attempt and try to deteriorate, diminish and discredit other people within the mind whenever I perceive a being to be better than me, more aligned with the ideal self-image that I have formed within the mind or if I perceive another person to get more validation/confirmation/attention/appreciation than me – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to either make the person appear less than/not worthy of the recognition through secretly diminishing the being within my mind where I’m essentially searching and looking for aspects with the being that I can utilize as a means to make myself feel and see myself as less inferior, or allow myself to go into an experience of myself as being less than where I just submit to and fully trust the belief and idea of myself as being less worthwhile as a person.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a competition-construct within the mind when and as I perceive another person to receive recognition from others for how or who the person is or for something that the person has achieved, wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed instances where I perceive or interpret it as though another person is getting recognition to be and become a trigger-point that activates an automatic response within me, consisting of the experience of being challenged, where I believe that the self-image that I present to the world is being challenged – and in this have thus consequentially allowed myself to separate myself from, compare and compete with the being that I perceive to get attention/confirmation/validation/recognition – thinking and believing that my value and worth are at stake – and so believing that I require to assure my own worthiness as a person through changing who and how I am to be more aligned with what I see others to get recognition for.

• I commit myself to assist and support myself within situations where I see that another person/other beings are getting recognition from the surrounding; through within that being aware of the tendency I have of going into fear – where I realize that the fear is the automatic response that triggers the pattern of going into either an internal competition through comparing and judging myself and my own worth in comparison to the other being/beings or the pattern of going into the mind where I’ll attempt/try to deteriorate, diminish and discredit other people due to believing that my self-image is at stake – and so within this I commit myself to prevent myself from going in to this construct through being aware of, and flag-point, these situations/occasions – and so within that no more accept and allow myself to take it further when and as I see that fear starts to emerge, but to instead immediately stop and breathe when and as I see myself reacting to/towards the perception I form of other people’s achievements and the recognition they’ll get – and so within me I assert myself to not participate, to not go into the pattern of comparing/competing/judging – but instead stand within who I am, and so reinstruct myself within the moment and realize that I know where this takes me, that this that is coming up within my mind is not so cool, really not assisting and supporting me and it’s really actually fucking me up within myself and my physical and my life – and therefor I take my place within myself, within my mind, relationship to I am and relationship to my physical body and so stand in that position of really taking responsibility for who I am, for what I want, for how I want to be, for how I want to experience myself and my physical and my life within this world and reality.

How to Look and Feel Your Best - Day 391

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of not being confident when being with or around other people – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the only way for me to reassure that I prevent and evade the experiences of being uncomfortable and unconfident is through becoming as aligned and affiliated with the ideal that I have formed within the mind as I possibly can, so that I can present this ideal self-image of myself to the world – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that experiences of being uncomfortable and unconfident comes from within, as a result of my internal participation within self-judgments stemming from the basic idea I have formed of myself – and that solving these internal experiences of being uncomfortable and unconfident in certain situations will not and cannot be done through allowing and giving my consent/approval to self-judgments, and the experiences it result in, to decide who I am or my self-worth – because within that I am merely feeding and generating the program that I have formed within me – where I see and realize that changing ‘who I am’ externally as an attempt to become more aligned with the ideal self-image that I have formed within the mind, will and can merely suppress the symptoms as the internal experiences of inadequacy for so long, since I am not actually in any way changing, like really changing who I am within in the sense of establishing actual self-confidence – but am only creating a shielding layer as a measure of protection which I can hide behind to feel better about myself for just a while – until I find yet another thing about me that is not aligned with the ideal self-image. And so I see, realize and understand that to really establish actual self-confidence I require to stop this program, to stop this from the within to the without – where the only solution lays within me, within me as my self-awareness.

• And so I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I have the capacity, the ability and the responsibility to decide what I am going to accept and allow within me and so without – where I realize that emerging as that self-awareness is a decision that has to be made in practical reality, and so I commit myself to assist and support myself within situations where I see that judgments emerges within me and so I immediately stop my participation, I breathe and I bring myself back to here – where I stand as that awareness, leading my own life and thus standing as that decision to no more accept and allow myself to attempt and try to suppress the symptoms of the basic idea I have formed of myself in the context of being inadequate through attempting and trying to mold and align myself to become more like the ideal self-image that I believe to exist – but instead I face the basic idea that I have formed of myself and so stop accepting and allowing self-beliefs to tell me who I am – and so start directing myself within the situations where I see that the experiences of being uncomfortable or unconfident emerges – where I, within my awareness, realize that this is merely an experience, it does not mean that I have to go into, give value to or trust it – and so therefor I commit myself to practice this point of practically asserting myself within these situations where I direct myself not to take the judgments or experience of being unconfident personally – but instead within me decide to give myself the opportunity to find out what would happen and how it would be when I do not go into it or trust it to be me but instead just state ‘No, till here no further’.

Stepping Beyond The Fear Of Failure - Day 376

• I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to decide who I am, how I am going to experience myself and so decide my self-worth, but have instead accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that who I am and my self-worth can only be assessed and determined by other people – not seeing or realizing that I can always decide for myself how I am going to see myself – and so, no matter if I perceive it as though another person sees me as totally and completely worthless, I still have the responsibility to decide whether that is something I want to define myself according to or not – and therefor I forgive myself that I have, within and throughout my life, just accepted whatever perception I form in relation to what other people seem to think of me – in where I never within that saw or realized that I was actually responsible for feeling like shit – that I am the only one responsible for how I react to and towards others opinions/my interpretation and perception of other people’s opinions – and so within this I see, realize and understand that I can, in every moment, decide who I am going to be in relation to and as a response towards the opinions I perceive others to form of me – so, why not give myself the opportunity to stand as that awareness in every moment, where I take a stance to stop the automatic pattern of just absorbing every interpretation I form in relation to what others thinks of me and within that instead decide to slow myself down in the sense of actually assessing other people’s opinions in where I within that decide whether that opinion is something I want to accept or not – and so make an actual decision where I see and realize that I can in fact let the opinion bounce back in the sense of not accepting and allowing myself to just automatically and instantaneously absorb it but to instead slow myself down and within me assess whether the opinion really in fact is who I am – or if I am instead going to decide, for myself, who I am, how I am going to experience myself and what my self-worth is. I mean, why would I want to make myself feel like crap when I can decide not to?

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear experiencing myself as I did in the past in relation to my school-situation and in relation to the response I received of not doing good enough – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear of experiencing it as though others sees me as a failure, as not good enough, to be and become what moves and motivates me within my current participation within school and studying. In this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I am currently attempting and trying to compensate for the failure I perceived myself to be – where I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to prove myself good enough and make up for all the apparent failures I committed in the past – not seeing or realizing that through accepting and allowing myself to exist within this construct of ‘attempting to make up for my past’ I am in fact merely feeding a polarity-construct, where I am perpetuating the fear of failure through accepting and allowing that fear to be what guides, moves and directs me to work hard, where I am essentially generating fear as an attempt to obtain the positive side of the polarity of feeling good enough and worthy – not seeing or realizing that this has in fact lead me nowhere, because I see how the experience and belief of myself as being worthless, a failure and not good enough persists – so, the fact that I now have, for years, been an ‘A-student’ does obviously not change anything in relation to how I internally experience and see myself, so – I see, realize and understand that the grades I obtain now cannot make up for the past, it cannot make up for how I internally see and experience myself – and so the only thing that can actually make up for my past and thus release me from the self-beliefs I have created is me, that I can only develop persistent self-acceptance through re-instructing and re-creating myself from the within to the without.

• And so I commit myself to assist and support myself to step beyond the fear of the experience of not being good enough/failing – and within this see, realize and understand that I now have the tools with which to stabilize myself and so therefor I see and realize that I do not require to fear an experience – because I do have me, my breathing and the tools that I require to be able to direct myself out of an experience. Within this I furthermore commit myself to assist and support myself within situations in where I see that I am within the mind speculating about other people’s possible opinions of me – to within such moments no more accept and allow myself to continue my participation within the mind – but to instead immediately stop, where I within this commit myself to take self-responsibility through deciding who I am and how I am going to experience myself – and so I take the decision to stop making myself feel like crap but to instead support myself within my self-relationship through seeing and realizing that I actually do have the ability and the responsibility to decide how I am going to experience myself as a response to the perception I form of what others thinks of me.

How To Stop Feeling Like Crap - Day 375

When looking back at my experience within school I can see that it was as though it did not matter how hard I tried, it did not matter how much time I spent studying – I still just couldn’t make it, it wouldn’t ‘pay off’. After a while I started to see it as useless, I mean – why should I even try when it does not pay off. I realized that whether I would study really, really hard or wouldn’t study at all – I still got the same results. I was ashamed and disappointed at myself, because I worked so hard and put so much effort into studying but I was not good enough anyway. I drew the conclusion that if I wouldn’t study at all, if I just gave up and pretended as though I didn’t give a fuck – then at least it would be ‘my decision’ to get bad results, then it wouldn’t be an outflow of my inadequacies but rather just a conscious decision to not care.

And so now I see that this was what I actually decided to do. I had for many, many years worked so hard, pushed myself so extensively and I still got the same feedback; it’s not enough. I could not do more than what I did, I just couldn’t seem to mold myself, adjust myself and align myself with what was referred to as ‘a good student’. In the end it is not your effort, how much time you dedicate, or how hard you try that gets graded – but rather the scores you get on the exams.

We had these evaluations where you sat down with your parents and the teacher and got feedback on how you were doing. It always felt like an execution. Every semester I studied as much as one could possibly do but I still got negative feedback, it was still not enough – what was I supposed to do? I see how I would immediately and unquestionably just accept what the teachers said and in that trusted their evaluation to be what determined my self-worth. I never even considered looking inside of myself and question what others said about me, or realizing that it was not even about ME per se, I mean it was not my self-worth that was being evaluated – instead I would just absorb it and define myself accordingly, where I would form the belief that I am a failure no matter how hard I try. And so after a while I decided to become what I perceived others to think of me – where I deliberately stopped trying and pretended as though I did not care anymore. I mean, it just seemed easier to take the negative feedback if I had made a deliberate decision to not work hard.

• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the feedback I got from the teachers as a child – where I immediately, instantaneously and unquestionably just accepted and absorbed the teachers opinions of me and my ‘performance’ – not seeing or realizing that they were merely just commenting on and pointing out how I did externally in relation to my ‘performance’ and in that assessing whether the knowledge I possessed were aligned with the instructions that they had in relation to what a student of my age should be able to pull off, that it was not an evaluation of who I was or my self-worth – and so I forgive myself that I have, within and throughout my life, accepted and allowed myself to automatically assume and take for granted that the opinions other people have of my external performances defines who I am, and so thinking and believing that I am not good enough as who I am if other people form negative opinions of my external performances – not seeing or realizing that opinions does not determine or define who I am – therefor I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shape and mold myself according to my perception of others opinions of my external performances – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that after all I am the one that ultimately determines who I am, how I experience myself and who I am going to be in relation/as a response to others opinions – and so I see, realize and understand that I have the ability, the capacity and the responsibility to decide who I am going to be and what I am going to accept and allow myself to define myself by and according to – and I am therefor responsible for who I am in relation to other people’s feedback, where I see and realize that when another person makes an assessment of my performance, it is not in any way an assessment of my self-worth or self-value.

• In this I commit myself to see, realize and understand that no matter what opinion I perceive another person to form of me – I am still capable of deciding who I am going to be in relation to that, where I see, realize and understand that I have the ability, the capacity and the responsibility to decide whether I am going to absorb or question – whether I am going to let perceptions I form in regards to what another person thinks of me/my performance to decide how I am going to experience myself or not. And so therefor I commit myself to, when and as I see or perceive it as though another person forms an opinion of who I am or my external performances, start question what comes up within the mind as a response to my external situation – and within that stop the automatic pattern of just absorbing and just taking it – to instead within me say ‘wait a minute, is this really something that I would want to experience myself as?’ – and so within that I direct and decide for myself who I am – where I no more accept and allow myself to just blindly and automatically ‘take it’ – but to instead question it and realize that I am ultimately the one that decides how I am going to experience myself – so why would I want to make myself feel like shit through taking other people’s opinions personally, when I could instead actually decide to stop, to not accept or allow myself to go there in the sense of taking it personally but to instead decide, in that moment that no, I don’t want to make myself feel like shit anymore – from now on I decide.

To be continued..

When People Give Up On You - Day 374

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I stop existing within and fueling the construct of constantly demanding myself to be the best that one can possibly be in school, I will become and experience myself as I did in the past in relation to school in where I saw myself as someone that teachers would become impatient with and give up on – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear experiencing it as though others give up on me or see me as careless/lazy/undisciplined due to thinking and believing that the perception others form of me can determine who I am – not seeing or realizing that for others to be able to determine who I am, I must give my consent and approval – thus I see and realize that I am always responsible for how I see myself and for what I accept and allow myself to define myself according to and what not – that just because I form a certain perception/interpretation of how another sees me does not automatically mean that I have to align myself with that, but that I have the capacity, the ability and the responsibility to in every moment decide who I am and so who I am going to be in relation to the perception I form of what others think about me/how others sees me.

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I require and am dependent on fear of what others may/might think of me for me to be able to move and motivate me into working hard in school – and so within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping my participation within fear of being seen as a failure/not good enough/lazy/careless/undisciplined by others due to not trusting myself in the sense of thinking and believing that if I do not fear what others may/might think of me, I won’t be able to push and motivate myself into actually work hard – not seeing or realizing that I have not even given myself the opportunity to become the directive principle of me but have instead always allowed myself to rely on external factors to be what determines what I do and my motivation – and so within this I furthermore forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to determine and decide who I am for myself – but have instead always within and throughout my life waited for others to tell me who I am, what I am capable of and what I must do – in where I have accepted and allowed myself to look and search for others expectations and demands and unquestionably align myself and my living accordingly – where I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to even consider looking inside of myself, trusting me in relation to seeing and realizing that I do not require external factors to motivate me, to tell me who I am or what I am capable of – but that what I really in fact require is me, is to establish self-trust and a relationship with myself in where I, instead of looking outside of myself for motivation, investigate within myself what I require to move myself.

 

• Within this I commit myself to assist and support myself within moments where I see that fear of what others may/might think of me in relation to my external participation in school comes up – to within that moment immediately stop my participation and breathe, where I no more accept and allow myself to give value to and go into the fear – but instead start questioning it in the sense of looking at; does others possible thoughts/experiences of me really determine who I am? – and so within this I commit myself to take my life in my own hands in the sense of looking inside of me, trusting myself and realizing that I have the ability, the capacity and the responsibility to move myself – and so I commit myself to make sure that I am the one that directs me within what I am doing.

How Fear Controls an Overachiever - Day 373

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how other people may/might react if I do not attain the best possible results in school, in where I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that other people demand and expect me to always be aligned with what is defined as a ‘high achiever’ and within that would consequentially get disappointed and see me as less worthy if I wouldn’t manage to ‘remain within that category’ in the sense of not getting all the correct answers on exams etc. – not seeing or realizing that these are all just projections of my own internal reactions to and towards myself, where I am the one who have accepted and allowed myself to form demands in relation to what I perceive that I have to achieve to not become disappointed at myself and feel less worthy – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how I think and believe that others sees me – not seeing or realizing that this is deliberate manipulation – in where I have accepted and allowed myself to project my responsibility in regards to deciding who I am and how I see myself onto others, through unquestionably just accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to how I think, believe and perceive others to see me – not seeing or realizing that how I experience myself and how I see myself does not automatically have to be dependent on how others sees me, but that I am the one who has created this connection and dependency, and am thus the one who has decided to define myself according to my perception of how others sees me and what they may/might think of me – in where I have allowed my experience of myself to be and become dependent on others – and within this I see and realize that I am responsible for and am capable of deciding who I am and how I am going to experience myself in every moment.

 

• And in this I see and realize that I am actually deliberately holding onto this fear in regards to what others would think of me if I wouldn’t attain the best possible results anymore – in where I am holding onto that fear as an attempt to move and motivate me into continuously working harder – and I realize that this is a construct that is based on my lack of self-trust, where I do not trust that I am capable of moving and motivating myself into working hard – so within this thinking and believing that I require some form of external motivation to keep me going – where I fear that I wouldn’t be as motivated to work hard if I did not fear the possible outcome of not working hard, and so I see how I created this point of fearing how others might see me as an attempt to make school something more than what it is in the sense of making my results within school seem more important – because when only looking at the practical aspect of grades, I couldn’t really find enough importance and value within striving for good grades – and so I attached something more to it, something that could motivate me into aiming for good results. And within this I see and realize how I actually saw school as completely useless as a child – and in where I later realized that I will have to walk through school in some way or another – where I thus attempted and tried to find a meaning within it, as something that could actually make me ‘care’ and motivate me so that I would be able to actually move myself to walk through something that I initially saw as useless – and so in that created this point that I saw myself ‘care for’ and fear – as the point of what others think of me, and in where I used that point to make school into something ‘important’ instead of ‘useless’.

 

• In this I commit myself to further investigate this one point of how I, as a child, made myself see school as something useless, worthless and totally unimportant and boring, where I basically just did not care and saw myself as ‘that student’ who just did not give a fuck, who cut classes, who failed on exams and did not even bother - to how I later went into the total polarity of seeing school as ‘the most important thing’ and in that also becoming the polarity of who I was. I mean; looking at this it’s interesting to see how I always obsessed about what others may/might think of me and that I also did care about school and my results only because of that one point of seeing that others defined me according to my results – but that I immediately just saw myself as incapable of achieving good results, in where I just instantly decided that I was not good enough, that I would never be able to become ‘one of the smart kids’ – and so in that decided to talk myself into and convincing myself that ‘I don’t care about school’ – which became a defense-mechanism for not having to feel worthless all the time, as I did not understand but had great problems with managing the whole situation in school – and so just gave up in a way. Where I thus later on saw that to be able to walk through school I have to utilize that one single point that initially made me care about school but that I ‘gave up’ due to perceiving myself as not good enough/incapable – as the fear and obsession with what others think of me. And so I commit myself to investigate this whole construct that I have set up for myself in where I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize fear of what others might think of me as the motivation and driving-force behind why I work so hard – and so instead establish self-trust in relation to practicing on and learning how to move myself, how to become the directive principle of me – in where I see and realize that I do not require fear of what others might think for me to be able to actually motivate and move myself within what I do.

Self-Inflicted Stress And Self-Anger - Day 372

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not understanding something within school immediately – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, if and when I see myself being unable to immediately understand/comprehend something go into a reaction of irritation and self-anger, where I create and manifest self-inflicted stress and self-blame as an automatic outflow whenever I perceive it as though I do not comprehend something – not seeing or realizing that inflicting stress and self-irritation/anger will not, and cannot, actually help me within the situation, that it will not make me more inclined to actually understanding the information but that I am within this just starting an internal fight with myself where I am essentially bullying myself for not being a super-human that understands everything immediately – where what I actually would need in such situation to assist and support myself to understand would be to slow myself down and investigate what it is that I don’t understand and thus look at what I require to be able to understand – and that when I go into a reaction and internal conflict I am only making it even harder – because within this I now see, realize and understand that when I go into a reaction of ‘I don’t get it, aaaaaaah I am so stupid’ I have already decided that I will not understand and have thus locked myself into that self-belief which prevents me from focusing on what I would require to comprehend – in where I instead become preoccupied within a reaction and internal fight.

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get so caught up within this one single point of not understanding something that I completely forget about and disregard everything else – in where I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and participate within the reactions and internal conversations that emerges within me in moments where I perceive myself to be unable to understand/comprehend something – and in that placing all of my focus and attention on this one single dimension – in where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this one point of not understanding/comprehending something specific as something that defines the totality and entirety of my life, of who I am and my self-worth – and in this I see, realize and understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this pattern of taking things to an extreme, in where I do not see reality or the entirety of my existence because of accepting and allowing myself to get caught up within one dimension as the one point in relation to something that I do not perceive myself to understand immediately and completely – and in where I within that allow myself to define my whole existence according to the reactions that comes up within such instant – where I all of a sudden see my whole life and myself as worthless – merely because I do not perceive myself to understand something within a moment.

 

• In this I commit myself to assist and support myself in moments where I perceive it as though I do not comprehend/understand something immediately – to in such moments stop the reactions and slow myself down through breathing – in where I practice on remaining here, where I see, realize and understand that starting a fight with myself within the mind will not help me to understand – and therefor I commit myself to stop within such moments and direct myself out of self-sabotage in where I re-instruct myself to instead look at what I require in that moment to be able to actually understand – and so give myself a solution instead of starting an internal fight. 

The Difference Between Caring and Fearing - Day 371

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I do not fear failure, then I will fail – in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the fear of not reaching perfect results through thinking and believing that I will ‘stop caring’ if I do not fear failure – where I within this have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming someone who ‘doesn’t care’ as a result of how I have judged that as shameful and a sign of lacking discipline – not seeing or realizing that I have allowed fear to be what directs, moves and motivates me for such an extended period of time that I have never actually considered or given myself the opportunity to develop self-movement where I within my self-relationship directs myself, but have rather just waited for internal stress and fear to ‘activate’ me – where I now see and realize that I can within this move and direct myself without having to generate an experience first. 

 

• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust my ability and capacity to move myself due to having accepted and allowed myself to rather trust fear, anxiety and stress for such an extended period of time – in where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is only when I fear failure that I will practically push myself to do what is required to be done – where I have consequentially formed a resistance towards stopping this fear as a result of believing myself to be dependent on internal experiences of stress/fear/anxiety for me to be able to motivate myself into working hard.

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to fear and resist not going into and stopping fear and stress when and as I see it emerging within me – where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately generate and manifest fear and stress as an attempt to push myself to work harder and faster – as I see how I have created myself in relation to my external reality, where I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become completely dependent on an experience to tell me what to do – where I have allowed that experience of fear and anxiety to be what determines how hard I work, where I only take things ‘seriously’ if I first generate and go into fear, stress, anxiety and nervousness, as that is what I have learned to link and connect to something that is apparently important – where I, on the other hand, when stopping and deleting the fear, the nervousness, the anxiety and the stress, I will within me experience it as though I don’t care, I don’t take it ‘seriously’ – which in itself would trigger yet another fear, as the fear of not caring, and the fear that not caring/not seeing what I practically participate within as something that determines my value will be able to direct me into a state in where I become unmotivated and undisciplined – not seeing or realizing that I do have the ability, the capacity and the responsibility to move and direct myself to walk through my practical responsibilities – and that I am capable of doing that no matter what, that I do not require to make it seem as though my self-worth is dependent on the result I obtain within what I am doing to be able to motivate myself into actually working hard – and so within this I do see, realize and understand that I have actually never even given myself the opportunity to develop this self-movement, where I direct and motivate myself into studying and walking through my daily responsibilities with me being the directive principle – but have instead, for so long, just trusted some form of experience to ‘activate’ me, and therefore I see and realize that it will take time, practice and patience – but that I am ready to walk it, that I am ready to take that decision to stop the fear-activation, in where I practically practice on leading myself within my life.

 

• And so within this I commit myself to give myself the opportunity to assist and support myself within my practical participation through re-instructing myself – where I commit myself to change my starting-point to immediately stop and breathe when and as I see that fear comes up, and in this state; ‘No! I move myself now, I do not require fear’ – to in this moment practice self-movement in real-time, where I no more accept and allow myself to continue the dependency that I have formed to/towards fear, but instead take the decision to move myself, to direct myself and to walk that practically, where I change the pattern of waiting for fear to activate me –in where I instead take the initiative to move, direct and motivate myself – as I within this realize that fighting myself through going into fear and stress will and does weaken my physical body and in the long-run I will and am creating consequences which are not cool – and therefor I commit myself to support myself to within this learn how to live self-movement here and now.

Why Do We Fear Giving Up The Fear? - Day 370

This post is a continuation from:

• When Perfection Isn't Good Enough - Day 367 
• Shattering The Shackles Of Being a 'High Achiever' - Day 368 
• The Curse Of Being An Overachiever - Day 369

So, these last two days I’ve got the chance to test my application in regards to stopping the fear that emerges within me when I feel as though I am/my capacity are about to be tested. I’ve had two exams these last two days and yesterday I decided not to go into that fear, nervousness, anxiety and stress that normally just comes up within me.

Before an exam I usually go through the material one-two hours before the exam just to give myself one last brief overview. While doing that I see myself having a tendency of getting stuck – where I find myself having forgotten some of the stuff, or usually it is like one word or one letter within one word that I have mixed up or are not completely sure about, and in that the panic/fear/stress-experiences gets triggered – where I see myself taking it to an extreme and have all of a sudden within the mind decide that I DON’T KNOW ANYTHINNNNNNNG, IIIIII’M SCREEEEEEEWED!!!!!!!!!. . .

Before Thursday’s exam I sat down and walked through some of the material. Before sitting down I had already taken the decision for myself to not go into the fear, but rather just give myself an opportunity to repeat some of the ‘easier material’ instead of immediately taking on the most complicated and intricate parts. This was to give myself a chance to awaken my brain, lol. As I see that I sometimes require like a moment ‘warm up’ and that when I immediately take on the intricate stuff I am putting myself in a position where I kind of like ‘leave an open window’ for the mind. So, to prevent the stress and panic to overwhelm and take over I started with going through some things that I am confident within. I immediately saw a major difference within me – I was just calm and confident where I normally would experience the exact opposite. Though I still saw some fear and stress humming in the background but it wasn’t even close to what I normally go through before an exam with being all jittery and with my heart beating like a jungle drum and being all freaked out.

Before yesterday’s exam I re-instructed myself while going through the overview in where I directed myself to be here within awareness and in that made sure that I did not allow any form of fear. What was interesting was that I saw a slight concern, where I felt as though something was almost ‘wrong’ due to how calm I was. Like, I have for such an extended period of time existed within and allowed this intense fear to exist within me and take over before a big exam that when I wouldn’t go into it I felt as though something ‘was missing’ in a way. And I saw that the concern stemmed from the belief I have created in regards to thinking that I need to be stressed and anxious to ‘care’ and to be able to push myself, as though I require the fear to activate me.

Without the fear the exam didn’t feel so big and important anymore – and if I do not see the exam as a matter of life or death then I won’t actually study as intensely. And in this I realize that I have actually deliberately created this program of attaching fear to exams as an attempt to force myself into seeing it as incredibly important and from there force myself into studying as though the exams actually are a matter of life or death. In that also convincing myself within the mind that I don’t know anything, that I will fail etc. which I also see is something that makes me push myself even harder before an exam, where I study everyday as though I don’t know anything and as though it is the first time I go through the material, even though I, within me, see and realize that I have the knowledge that are required, but I deliberately manipulate myself into believing that I don’t know anything at all – that I have to re-learn everything, that I have forgotten everything.

And in that I realize that I fear giving up the fear, as I realize that if I do not manipulate myself into seeing exams as utterly important but instead see it for what it is, well, then I will see it for what it is. It’s just an exam. My self-worth is not at stake here. So, I realize that I require looking into and investigating this point of thinking and believing that if I do not continue seeing it as though my life and self-worth are at stake or determined by the results I get on exams then maybe I’ll become lazy or unmotivated or undisciplined and maybe I won’t get the highest grades – and oh my, who am I then?

To be continued.. 

Shattering The Shackles Of Being a 'High Achiever' -Day 368

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will expect me to always achieve perfect results within what I externally participate within due to thinking and believing that if others expect something specific of me, then I have to live up to that – not seeing or realizing how I have just automatically given value to and taken for granted that others expectations are something I must live up to, unquestionably – without seeing and realizing that just because I perceive it as though others  have expectations in relation to what I manage to do and what not, does not automatically mean that I have to ‘satisfy’ their belief and align myself and my living according to their expectations – that I can and have the responsibility to actually decide over my own life and living – where I must be the one that decides what I will prioritize in my life and what not. And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear deciding over my own life in relation to actually taking self-responsibility through directing and deciding what I will prioritize – due to thinking and believing that ‘people will think less of me’ if I do not live up to the definition of being a ‘high achiever’ and ‘someone who works really hard and am self-disciplined’.

 

• And so within this I forgive myself that I have not ever, within or throughout my life, accepted and allowed myself to ask myself; what do I want to do, what do I need – and what is most important for me? – but have instead always accepted and allowed myself to push myself to attempt and try to align who I am with what I perceive others to expect of me – in where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to completely forget about me, about who I want to be in my relationship with myself – and have instead just blindly accepted and allowed myself to prioritize and fear others expectations and definitions of me – as though others expectations/my perception of others expectations should be my map, my guide in relation to what I do and do not do.

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist stopping my participation within a life which is constituted and shaped according to my perception of others expectations due to thinking and believing that if I do not continue pushing myself to live up to others possible expectations then I will disappoint others and be seen as someone who does not ‘live up to my own capacity’ – not seeing or realizing that; yes, sure – everyone could actually achieve perfect external results, but this is about what one decides to prioritize, and I see that I am compromising my self-support and my relationship with myself due to letting my priority, my driving-force and starting-point within life be the perception I have of what others ‘expect of me’ – where I am within this not taking self-responsibility through looking at 1.What do I require/need to be stable 2.Who do I want to be and how do I want to experience myself within my relationship with me? 3.What is needed/what do I actually require to do to for me to survive within this system? – Because within this I see, realize and understand that the strain I have manifested and placed on myself are not based on practical consideration in relation to seeing that it is needed for me to assure my survival within this world-system of money, but rather based on my fear of what others may/might think of me – where I am merely utilizing this point of ‘I have to push myself to make sure that I am stable within this system’ as an excuse and justification for why I should continue my existence within this program that I have set up for myself – where I see and realize that the program I have manifested is based on fear of not living up to others expectations/fear of not being seen as ‘good enough’ and thus the desire to be seen as perfect, as successful, as hard-working etc. – and that these two polarities of positivity and negativity, of desire and fear, are what moves and directs me – where I realize that I am holding on to and perpetuating the fear of what others may/might think of me if I do not live up to the definitions and expectations I perceive others to have of me through allowing myself to exist within desire to and towards external validation and confirmation in regards to myself as being ‘good enough’, hard-working and a 'high-achiever'.

 

• Within this I commit myself to assist and support myself through investigating this point in relation to how I have constituted and founded my life and my relationship to what I externally participate within – where I commit myself to, through my writings, self-forgiveness and commitment-statements, open up and investigate what it is that moves, directs and motivates me in relation to what I externally do, why I do it and what I would actually require to support myself within my life, my living, my relationship with me and so my survival within this system – where I commit myself to realign and reinstruct myself to stop accepting and allowing fear and desire to be what moves me within what I participate within and instead take my life in my own hands where I live self-responsibility through actually being the one who decides what is important and what is not important when considering my self-support, my relationship with me and my stability within the system - because within this I see, realize and understand that how I am currently living is not cool, is not supportive and is not something I would want to look back at later and realize that I actually could have lived in another way - but did not. Therefor I commit myself to walk through this construct and really in that give myself the opportunity to create a life for myself that I would really want, a life that I can look back at without regretting and asking myself; why didn't I live?