You Can Rest When You've Died Due To Stress - Day 380

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use excuses such as ‘I must do this and that’ as justifications for never giving myself me-time or a moment for myself, where I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself a break where I decide to just let go of everything I believe that I ‘have to/must do’ and in that give myself a moment to care for myself, to look at the point of; what do I need within my relationship to myself for me to be able to find stability and balance in relation to my external participation – where I see, realize and understand that I require to give myself a moment/moments as breaks during the day – but that I instead have allowed myself to think and believe that I do not have enough time for that, that there are more ‘important’ things that needs to be prioritized – not seeing or realizing that I am existing within and perpetuating an inherent pattern where I am basically manifesting a ‘burnout’ – which happens because of too much stress and in where I see and realize that I am creating consequences due to not giving myself a moment/moments as breaks during the day. And so within this I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect and disregard myself through instead prioritizing the things that I believe that I must do, not seeing or realizing how I am within this completely missing life and living, where I have instead allowed myself to formed my life according to and focused all my attention on my external participation – and consequentially forgetting about me and what is actually important and matters in terms of who I am within my life, who I am within my self-relationship.

• And so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that all that matters is what I manage to do externally, in the sense of constantly and continuously prioritizing what I do within my external reality and so neglecting, disregarding and ignoring who I am within that – where I am focusing so much on doing good ‘out there’ that I never give myself the opportunity to look at and take responsibility for creating a life that I would really want for myself – and in where I instead have allowed myself to become so preoccupied with doing the things that I believe that I must do that I failed to realize that there will always be things that I ‘must do’ within my external reality/world – and that for me to be able to actually create a life that I would really want for myself I require to find balance in the sense of giving myself that which I require at the same time as I walk my external participation.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking a moment/moments as breaks during the day due to thinking and believing that if I stop what I do for just a moment, I might not get everything that I believe that I must do done. And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘well, I take a moment later, when I am done’ – in where I consequentially don’t take any breaks at all, as I am postponing it until ‘later’ – which I see, realize and understand is a deliberate manipulation, because within this I understand that if I tell myself that I will take a break later, then that later will get postponed further and further. In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘I can’t relax or take a moment/break before I am done with all of my responsibilities’ – in where I have accepted and allowed myself to trust this belief in the sense of really believing that it is impossible for me to give myself a moment/moments as breaks during the day without creating additional stress – not seeing or realizing how this is just a belief, that I am actually capable of taking the decision to give myself a moment/moments as breaks during the day and within that move and direct myself out of any experience as reactions that may/might emerge as a response to that – because within this I see, realize and understand that I require to push through that resistance towards giving myself a moment/breaks throughout my day – and within that change my daily participation through incorporating some me-time, some time for me to rest and let go – otherwise it can become consequential. And within this I see, realize and understand that, for example, getting straight A’s in school is not something that will be of any use if that means that I compromise my self-stability and my relationship to me.

• And so I see, realize and understand that for me to be able to live within self-stability and for me to be able to actually enjoy life and living – I require to make some radical changes in terms of how I approach things. Because within this I see, realize and understand that I am currently existing within a pattern that does not support me as life, a pattern that actually prevents me from really living – as I am merely participating within and am directed by what I perceive that I must do within my external reality, where the determining factor for my participation consist of thoughts in relation to what I believe that I must do, where I miss and disregard what I require in my self-relationship to be able to walk through my external responsibilities as well – and within this I realize that I require to change my approach, change my starting-point towards what I do – to instead make sure that I am the one that decides what I do, instead of letting a thought of ‘this is what I MUST do now’ be what determines what I do and do not do – because within this I see, realize and understand that I cannot continue existing within this habitual pattern of only considering and prioritizing my external participation in for example school, but that I have to slow myself down and take myself, my self-support and my self-stability into consideration as well - to within that give myself a moment/moments as breaks during the day.

• In this I commit myself to assist and support myself within my relationship with me to further investigate the pattern that I am existing within in terms of how I have formed my life to become only about what I believe that I must do and in where I have allowed myself to consequentially neglect, disregard and ignore myself and my self-stability within what I am doing – and so within that walk through and incorporate the changes that are required for me to be able to find stability and balance within what I am doing – where I see and realize that one major point here which I see myself requiring is to actually give myself a moment/moments as breaks and me-time during the day – and so I commit myself to, through my writings, my self-forgiveness and my corrective applications, assist and support myself to release myself from the underlying reasons behind why I have formed resistance/fear to and towards giving myself “me-time” – and within that practically incorporate moments as breaks during the day to prevent myself from manifesting additional strain on my physical and consequences in my relationship to myself.

How To Stop Your Internal War - Day 379

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern in where I am making things harder and more difficult than what they actually are through self-sabotaging, in the sense of looking at my external reality and so my external participations/responsibilities and daily living and within me deciding to see it as hard and as difficult – where I am habitually generating and perpetuating an internal struggle and so experiences of stress and anxiety – where I have in a way become so used to experiencing everything as hard and as difficult that I am deliberately continuing to make things difficult for myself, where I in a way want to struggle/fight as an addiction to inherent patterns – and within this I see, realize and understand that I am actually making most things within my life so much harder and much more difficult than what they have to be – where I continually ensure a life of struggle through holding on to a belief in relation to how I think that my life will turn out, a belief in relation to how I think that my life has to be – not seeing or realizing that I am the only one that is responsible for the struggle I am currently experiencing, that just because my life has been a struggle in the past does not mean that I have to persevere in such direction – that I now actually do have the ability to take power over my own life and living and in that decide what type of starting-point and approach I want to have towards my participation – where I now see, realize and understand that the current approach I have towards every aspect of my life are permeated with an internal experience of struggle – where I actually have allowed myself to become addicted to struggling, to making things hard, to self-sabotaging through constantly anticipate failure, misery and difficulties.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just accept my life to be hard and difficult – where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly expect, assume and anticipate that I will always be faced with difficulties, that that is just how my life is and has always been – where things that can ‘go wrong’ will go wrong – not seeing or realizing how I am within this self-sabotaging through accepting and allowing myself to constantly assume that anything bad that can happen, will happen to me – because within this I see, realize and understand that when I assume that things will be difficult and hard, I am consequentially creating such a life for myself – and within this I see, realize and understand that it is time for me to take my life in my own hands and in that re-instruct, re-create and re-establish my approach towards my external participation – and so I commit myself to further investigate this point, as the addiction to inherent patterns, and within that stop the pattern of deliberately creating struggles within my life – but to instead see what I can do, who I can be and how I can experience myself within my life and living if I stop the tendency of self-sabotaging through making everything so difficult.

Stepping Beyond The Fear Of Failure - Day 376

• I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to decide who I am, how I am going to experience myself and so decide my self-worth, but have instead accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that who I am and my self-worth can only be assessed and determined by other people – not seeing or realizing that I can always decide for myself how I am going to see myself – and so, no matter if I perceive it as though another person sees me as totally and completely worthless, I still have the responsibility to decide whether that is something I want to define myself according to or not – and therefor I forgive myself that I have, within and throughout my life, just accepted whatever perception I form in relation to what other people seem to think of me – in where I never within that saw or realized that I was actually responsible for feeling like shit – that I am the only one responsible for how I react to and towards others opinions/my interpretation and perception of other people’s opinions – and so within this I see, realize and understand that I can, in every moment, decide who I am going to be in relation to and as a response towards the opinions I perceive others to form of me – so, why not give myself the opportunity to stand as that awareness in every moment, where I take a stance to stop the automatic pattern of just absorbing every interpretation I form in relation to what others thinks of me and within that instead decide to slow myself down in the sense of actually assessing other people’s opinions in where I within that decide whether that opinion is something I want to accept or not – and so make an actual decision where I see and realize that I can in fact let the opinion bounce back in the sense of not accepting and allowing myself to just automatically and instantaneously absorb it but to instead slow myself down and within me assess whether the opinion really in fact is who I am – or if I am instead going to decide, for myself, who I am, how I am going to experience myself and what my self-worth is. I mean, why would I want to make myself feel like crap when I can decide not to?

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear experiencing myself as I did in the past in relation to my school-situation and in relation to the response I received of not doing good enough – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear of experiencing it as though others sees me as a failure, as not good enough, to be and become what moves and motivates me within my current participation within school and studying. In this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I am currently attempting and trying to compensate for the failure I perceived myself to be – where I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to prove myself good enough and make up for all the apparent failures I committed in the past – not seeing or realizing that through accepting and allowing myself to exist within this construct of ‘attempting to make up for my past’ I am in fact merely feeding a polarity-construct, where I am perpetuating the fear of failure through accepting and allowing that fear to be what guides, moves and directs me to work hard, where I am essentially generating fear as an attempt to obtain the positive side of the polarity of feeling good enough and worthy – not seeing or realizing that this has in fact lead me nowhere, because I see how the experience and belief of myself as being worthless, a failure and not good enough persists – so, the fact that I now have, for years, been an ‘A-student’ does obviously not change anything in relation to how I internally experience and see myself, so – I see, realize and understand that the grades I obtain now cannot make up for the past, it cannot make up for how I internally see and experience myself – and so the only thing that can actually make up for my past and thus release me from the self-beliefs I have created is me, that I can only develop persistent self-acceptance through re-instructing and re-creating myself from the within to the without.

• And so I commit myself to assist and support myself to step beyond the fear of the experience of not being good enough/failing – and within this see, realize and understand that I now have the tools with which to stabilize myself and so therefor I see and realize that I do not require to fear an experience – because I do have me, my breathing and the tools that I require to be able to direct myself out of an experience. Within this I furthermore commit myself to assist and support myself within situations in where I see that I am within the mind speculating about other people’s possible opinions of me – to within such moments no more accept and allow myself to continue my participation within the mind – but to instead immediately stop, where I within this commit myself to take self-responsibility through deciding who I am and how I am going to experience myself – and so I take the decision to stop making myself feel like crap but to instead support myself within my self-relationship through seeing and realizing that I actually do have the ability and the responsibility to decide how I am going to experience myself as a response to the perception I form of what others thinks of me.

How To Stop Feeling Like Crap - Day 375

When looking back at my experience within school I can see that it was as though it did not matter how hard I tried, it did not matter how much time I spent studying – I still just couldn’t make it, it wouldn’t ‘pay off’. After a while I started to see it as useless, I mean – why should I even try when it does not pay off. I realized that whether I would study really, really hard or wouldn’t study at all – I still got the same results. I was ashamed and disappointed at myself, because I worked so hard and put so much effort into studying but I was not good enough anyway. I drew the conclusion that if I wouldn’t study at all, if I just gave up and pretended as though I didn’t give a fuck – then at least it would be ‘my decision’ to get bad results, then it wouldn’t be an outflow of my inadequacies but rather just a conscious decision to not care.

And so now I see that this was what I actually decided to do. I had for many, many years worked so hard, pushed myself so extensively and I still got the same feedback; it’s not enough. I could not do more than what I did, I just couldn’t seem to mold myself, adjust myself and align myself with what was referred to as ‘a good student’. In the end it is not your effort, how much time you dedicate, or how hard you try that gets graded – but rather the scores you get on the exams.

We had these evaluations where you sat down with your parents and the teacher and got feedback on how you were doing. It always felt like an execution. Every semester I studied as much as one could possibly do but I still got negative feedback, it was still not enough – what was I supposed to do? I see how I would immediately and unquestionably just accept what the teachers said and in that trusted their evaluation to be what determined my self-worth. I never even considered looking inside of myself and question what others said about me, or realizing that it was not even about ME per se, I mean it was not my self-worth that was being evaluated – instead I would just absorb it and define myself accordingly, where I would form the belief that I am a failure no matter how hard I try. And so after a while I decided to become what I perceived others to think of me – where I deliberately stopped trying and pretended as though I did not care anymore. I mean, it just seemed easier to take the negative feedback if I had made a deliberate decision to not work hard.

• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the feedback I got from the teachers as a child – where I immediately, instantaneously and unquestionably just accepted and absorbed the teachers opinions of me and my ‘performance’ – not seeing or realizing that they were merely just commenting on and pointing out how I did externally in relation to my ‘performance’ and in that assessing whether the knowledge I possessed were aligned with the instructions that they had in relation to what a student of my age should be able to pull off, that it was not an evaluation of who I was or my self-worth – and so I forgive myself that I have, within and throughout my life, accepted and allowed myself to automatically assume and take for granted that the opinions other people have of my external performances defines who I am, and so thinking and believing that I am not good enough as who I am if other people form negative opinions of my external performances – not seeing or realizing that opinions does not determine or define who I am – therefor I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shape and mold myself according to my perception of others opinions of my external performances – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that after all I am the one that ultimately determines who I am, how I experience myself and who I am going to be in relation/as a response to others opinions – and so I see, realize and understand that I have the ability, the capacity and the responsibility to decide who I am going to be and what I am going to accept and allow myself to define myself by and according to – and I am therefor responsible for who I am in relation to other people’s feedback, where I see and realize that when another person makes an assessment of my performance, it is not in any way an assessment of my self-worth or self-value.

• In this I commit myself to see, realize and understand that no matter what opinion I perceive another person to form of me – I am still capable of deciding who I am going to be in relation to that, where I see, realize and understand that I have the ability, the capacity and the responsibility to decide whether I am going to absorb or question – whether I am going to let perceptions I form in regards to what another person thinks of me/my performance to decide how I am going to experience myself or not. And so therefor I commit myself to, when and as I see or perceive it as though another person forms an opinion of who I am or my external performances, start question what comes up within the mind as a response to my external situation – and within that stop the automatic pattern of just absorbing and just taking it – to instead within me say ‘wait a minute, is this really something that I would want to experience myself as?’ – and so within that I direct and decide for myself who I am – where I no more accept and allow myself to just blindly and automatically ‘take it’ – but to instead question it and realize that I am ultimately the one that decides how I am going to experience myself – so why would I want to make myself feel like shit through taking other people’s opinions personally, when I could instead actually decide to stop, to not accept or allow myself to go there in the sense of taking it personally but to instead decide, in that moment that no, I don’t want to make myself feel like shit anymore – from now on I decide.

To be continued..