You Can Rest When You've Died Due To Stress - Day 380

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use excuses such as ‘I must do this and that’ as justifications for never giving myself me-time or a moment for myself, where I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself a break where I decide to just let go of everything I believe that I ‘have to/must do’ and in that give myself a moment to care for myself, to look at the point of; what do I need within my relationship to myself for me to be able to find stability and balance in relation to my external participation – where I see, realize and understand that I require to give myself a moment/moments as breaks during the day – but that I instead have allowed myself to think and believe that I do not have enough time for that, that there are more ‘important’ things that needs to be prioritized – not seeing or realizing that I am existing within and perpetuating an inherent pattern where I am basically manifesting a ‘burnout’ – which happens because of too much stress and in where I see and realize that I am creating consequences due to not giving myself a moment/moments as breaks during the day. And so within this I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect and disregard myself through instead prioritizing the things that I believe that I must do, not seeing or realizing how I am within this completely missing life and living, where I have instead allowed myself to formed my life according to and focused all my attention on my external participation – and consequentially forgetting about me and what is actually important and matters in terms of who I am within my life, who I am within my self-relationship.

• And so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that all that matters is what I manage to do externally, in the sense of constantly and continuously prioritizing what I do within my external reality and so neglecting, disregarding and ignoring who I am within that – where I am focusing so much on doing good ‘out there’ that I never give myself the opportunity to look at and take responsibility for creating a life that I would really want for myself – and in where I instead have allowed myself to become so preoccupied with doing the things that I believe that I must do that I failed to realize that there will always be things that I ‘must do’ within my external reality/world – and that for me to be able to actually create a life that I would really want for myself I require to find balance in the sense of giving myself that which I require at the same time as I walk my external participation.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking a moment/moments as breaks during the day due to thinking and believing that if I stop what I do for just a moment, I might not get everything that I believe that I must do done. And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘well, I take a moment later, when I am done’ – in where I consequentially don’t take any breaks at all, as I am postponing it until ‘later’ – which I see, realize and understand is a deliberate manipulation, because within this I understand that if I tell myself that I will take a break later, then that later will get postponed further and further. In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘I can’t relax or take a moment/break before I am done with all of my responsibilities’ – in where I have accepted and allowed myself to trust this belief in the sense of really believing that it is impossible for me to give myself a moment/moments as breaks during the day without creating additional stress – not seeing or realizing how this is just a belief, that I am actually capable of taking the decision to give myself a moment/moments as breaks during the day and within that move and direct myself out of any experience as reactions that may/might emerge as a response to that – because within this I see, realize and understand that I require to push through that resistance towards giving myself a moment/breaks throughout my day – and within that change my daily participation through incorporating some me-time, some time for me to rest and let go – otherwise it can become consequential. And within this I see, realize and understand that, for example, getting straight A’s in school is not something that will be of any use if that means that I compromise my self-stability and my relationship to me.

• And so I see, realize and understand that for me to be able to live within self-stability and for me to be able to actually enjoy life and living – I require to make some radical changes in terms of how I approach things. Because within this I see, realize and understand that I am currently existing within a pattern that does not support me as life, a pattern that actually prevents me from really living – as I am merely participating within and am directed by what I perceive that I must do within my external reality, where the determining factor for my participation consist of thoughts in relation to what I believe that I must do, where I miss and disregard what I require in my self-relationship to be able to walk through my external responsibilities as well – and within this I realize that I require to change my approach, change my starting-point towards what I do – to instead make sure that I am the one that decides what I do, instead of letting a thought of ‘this is what I MUST do now’ be what determines what I do and do not do – because within this I see, realize and understand that I cannot continue existing within this habitual pattern of only considering and prioritizing my external participation in for example school, but that I have to slow myself down and take myself, my self-support and my self-stability into consideration as well - to within that give myself a moment/moments as breaks during the day.

• In this I commit myself to assist and support myself within my relationship with me to further investigate the pattern that I am existing within in terms of how I have formed my life to become only about what I believe that I must do and in where I have allowed myself to consequentially neglect, disregard and ignore myself and my self-stability within what I am doing – and so within that walk through and incorporate the changes that are required for me to be able to find stability and balance within what I am doing – where I see and realize that one major point here which I see myself requiring is to actually give myself a moment/moments as breaks and me-time during the day – and so I commit myself to, through my writings, my self-forgiveness and my corrective applications, assist and support myself to release myself from the underlying reasons behind why I have formed resistance/fear to and towards giving myself “me-time” – and within that practically incorporate moments as breaks during the day to prevent myself from manifesting additional strain on my physical and consequences in my relationship to myself.

How To Stop Your Internal War - Day 379

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern in where I am making things harder and more difficult than what they actually are through self-sabotaging, in the sense of looking at my external reality and so my external participations/responsibilities and daily living and within me deciding to see it as hard and as difficult – where I am habitually generating and perpetuating an internal struggle and so experiences of stress and anxiety – where I have in a way become so used to experiencing everything as hard and as difficult that I am deliberately continuing to make things difficult for myself, where I in a way want to struggle/fight as an addiction to inherent patterns – and within this I see, realize and understand that I am actually making most things within my life so much harder and much more difficult than what they have to be – where I continually ensure a life of struggle through holding on to a belief in relation to how I think that my life will turn out, a belief in relation to how I think that my life has to be – not seeing or realizing that I am the only one that is responsible for the struggle I am currently experiencing, that just because my life has been a struggle in the past does not mean that I have to persevere in such direction – that I now actually do have the ability to take power over my own life and living and in that decide what type of starting-point and approach I want to have towards my participation – where I now see, realize and understand that the current approach I have towards every aspect of my life are permeated with an internal experience of struggle – where I actually have allowed myself to become addicted to struggling, to making things hard, to self-sabotaging through constantly anticipate failure, misery and difficulties.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just accept my life to be hard and difficult – where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly expect, assume and anticipate that I will always be faced with difficulties, that that is just how my life is and has always been – where things that can ‘go wrong’ will go wrong – not seeing or realizing how I am within this self-sabotaging through accepting and allowing myself to constantly assume that anything bad that can happen, will happen to me – because within this I see, realize and understand that when I assume that things will be difficult and hard, I am consequentially creating such a life for myself – and within this I see, realize and understand that it is time for me to take my life in my own hands and in that re-instruct, re-create and re-establish my approach towards my external participation – and so I commit myself to further investigate this point, as the addiction to inherent patterns, and within that stop the pattern of deliberately creating struggles within my life – but to instead see what I can do, who I can be and how I can experience myself within my life and living if I stop the tendency of self-sabotaging through making everything so difficult.

Why Do We Fear Giving Up The Fear? - Day 370

This post is a continuation from:

• When Perfection Isn't Good Enough - Day 367 
• Shattering The Shackles Of Being a 'High Achiever' - Day 368 
• The Curse Of Being An Overachiever - Day 369

So, these last two days I’ve got the chance to test my application in regards to stopping the fear that emerges within me when I feel as though I am/my capacity are about to be tested. I’ve had two exams these last two days and yesterday I decided not to go into that fear, nervousness, anxiety and stress that normally just comes up within me.

Before an exam I usually go through the material one-two hours before the exam just to give myself one last brief overview. While doing that I see myself having a tendency of getting stuck – where I find myself having forgotten some of the stuff, or usually it is like one word or one letter within one word that I have mixed up or are not completely sure about, and in that the panic/fear/stress-experiences gets triggered – where I see myself taking it to an extreme and have all of a sudden within the mind decide that I DON’T KNOW ANYTHINNNNNNNG, IIIIII’M SCREEEEEEEWED!!!!!!!!!. . .

Before Thursday’s exam I sat down and walked through some of the material. Before sitting down I had already taken the decision for myself to not go into the fear, but rather just give myself an opportunity to repeat some of the ‘easier material’ instead of immediately taking on the most complicated and intricate parts. This was to give myself a chance to awaken my brain, lol. As I see that I sometimes require like a moment ‘warm up’ and that when I immediately take on the intricate stuff I am putting myself in a position where I kind of like ‘leave an open window’ for the mind. So, to prevent the stress and panic to overwhelm and take over I started with going through some things that I am confident within. I immediately saw a major difference within me – I was just calm and confident where I normally would experience the exact opposite. Though I still saw some fear and stress humming in the background but it wasn’t even close to what I normally go through before an exam with being all jittery and with my heart beating like a jungle drum and being all freaked out.

Before yesterday’s exam I re-instructed myself while going through the overview in where I directed myself to be here within awareness and in that made sure that I did not allow any form of fear. What was interesting was that I saw a slight concern, where I felt as though something was almost ‘wrong’ due to how calm I was. Like, I have for such an extended period of time existed within and allowed this intense fear to exist within me and take over before a big exam that when I wouldn’t go into it I felt as though something ‘was missing’ in a way. And I saw that the concern stemmed from the belief I have created in regards to thinking that I need to be stressed and anxious to ‘care’ and to be able to push myself, as though I require the fear to activate me.

Without the fear the exam didn’t feel so big and important anymore – and if I do not see the exam as a matter of life or death then I won’t actually study as intensely. And in this I realize that I have actually deliberately created this program of attaching fear to exams as an attempt to force myself into seeing it as incredibly important and from there force myself into studying as though the exams actually are a matter of life or death. In that also convincing myself within the mind that I don’t know anything, that I will fail etc. which I also see is something that makes me push myself even harder before an exam, where I study everyday as though I don’t know anything and as though it is the first time I go through the material, even though I, within me, see and realize that I have the knowledge that are required, but I deliberately manipulate myself into believing that I don’t know anything at all – that I have to re-learn everything, that I have forgotten everything.

And in that I realize that I fear giving up the fear, as I realize that if I do not manipulate myself into seeing exams as utterly important but instead see it for what it is, well, then I will see it for what it is. It’s just an exam. My self-worth is not at stake here. So, I realize that I require looking into and investigating this point of thinking and believing that if I do not continue seeing it as though my life and self-worth are at stake or determined by the results I get on exams then maybe I’ll become lazy or unmotivated or undisciplined and maybe I won’t get the highest grades – and oh my, who am I then?

To be continued.. 

Shattering The Shackles Of Being a 'High Achiever' -Day 368

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will expect me to always achieve perfect results within what I externally participate within due to thinking and believing that if others expect something specific of me, then I have to live up to that – not seeing or realizing how I have just automatically given value to and taken for granted that others expectations are something I must live up to, unquestionably – without seeing and realizing that just because I perceive it as though others  have expectations in relation to what I manage to do and what not, does not automatically mean that I have to ‘satisfy’ their belief and align myself and my living according to their expectations – that I can and have the responsibility to actually decide over my own life and living – where I must be the one that decides what I will prioritize in my life and what not. And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear deciding over my own life in relation to actually taking self-responsibility through directing and deciding what I will prioritize – due to thinking and believing that ‘people will think less of me’ if I do not live up to the definition of being a ‘high achiever’ and ‘someone who works really hard and am self-disciplined’.

 

• And so within this I forgive myself that I have not ever, within or throughout my life, accepted and allowed myself to ask myself; what do I want to do, what do I need – and what is most important for me? – but have instead always accepted and allowed myself to push myself to attempt and try to align who I am with what I perceive others to expect of me – in where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to completely forget about me, about who I want to be in my relationship with myself – and have instead just blindly accepted and allowed myself to prioritize and fear others expectations and definitions of me – as though others expectations/my perception of others expectations should be my map, my guide in relation to what I do and do not do.

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist stopping my participation within a life which is constituted and shaped according to my perception of others expectations due to thinking and believing that if I do not continue pushing myself to live up to others possible expectations then I will disappoint others and be seen as someone who does not ‘live up to my own capacity’ – not seeing or realizing that; yes, sure – everyone could actually achieve perfect external results, but this is about what one decides to prioritize, and I see that I am compromising my self-support and my relationship with myself due to letting my priority, my driving-force and starting-point within life be the perception I have of what others ‘expect of me’ – where I am within this not taking self-responsibility through looking at 1.What do I require/need to be stable 2.Who do I want to be and how do I want to experience myself within my relationship with me? 3.What is needed/what do I actually require to do to for me to survive within this system? – Because within this I see, realize and understand that the strain I have manifested and placed on myself are not based on practical consideration in relation to seeing that it is needed for me to assure my survival within this world-system of money, but rather based on my fear of what others may/might think of me – where I am merely utilizing this point of ‘I have to push myself to make sure that I am stable within this system’ as an excuse and justification for why I should continue my existence within this program that I have set up for myself – where I see and realize that the program I have manifested is based on fear of not living up to others expectations/fear of not being seen as ‘good enough’ and thus the desire to be seen as perfect, as successful, as hard-working etc. – and that these two polarities of positivity and negativity, of desire and fear, are what moves and directs me – where I realize that I am holding on to and perpetuating the fear of what others may/might think of me if I do not live up to the definitions and expectations I perceive others to have of me through allowing myself to exist within desire to and towards external validation and confirmation in regards to myself as being ‘good enough’, hard-working and a 'high-achiever'.

 

• Within this I commit myself to assist and support myself through investigating this point in relation to how I have constituted and founded my life and my relationship to what I externally participate within – where I commit myself to, through my writings, self-forgiveness and commitment-statements, open up and investigate what it is that moves, directs and motivates me in relation to what I externally do, why I do it and what I would actually require to support myself within my life, my living, my relationship with me and so my survival within this system – where I commit myself to realign and reinstruct myself to stop accepting and allowing fear and desire to be what moves me within what I participate within and instead take my life in my own hands where I live self-responsibility through actually being the one who decides what is important and what is not important when considering my self-support, my relationship with me and my stability within the system - because within this I see, realize and understand that how I am currently living is not cool, is not supportive and is not something I would want to look back at later and realize that I actually could have lived in another way - but did not. Therefor I commit myself to walk through this construct and really in that give myself the opportunity to create a life for myself that I would really want, a life that I can look back at without regretting and asking myself; why didn't I live?