- I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist stopping the pattern of
attempting and trying to decode other people’s personal preferences in regards
to who I perceive that I have to be or what sides/aspects of me that I have to
enhance and present of myself to be able to trigger, activate and generate
positive experiences, opinions and internal thoughts/back-chats within the
people/person that I am encountering – wherein I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I cannot just simply let
myself be me and express myself as who I am – but that I rather have to decode
and assess what other people will react and respond to within and with a positive
experience and thus align and mold myself accordingly – because being me is
apparently not enough – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and
allowed myself to desire, want and need to attain the experiences of fitting in
and being approved of and accepted by others, wherein I have allowed who I am
when interacting with others to be and become influenced and conditioned by this
desire to be able to confirm that others approve of me as the ‘who I am’ –
instead of seeing and realizing that letting such desire, want and need to
guide and move me has really in fact lead me nowhere – in the sense of looking
at my underlying starting-point which is to get approved of, accepted and feel
as though I am ‘a good person’, someone that is appreciated, respected and
loved – and in that I realize that I am denying myself acceptance, self-approval, self-respect and
self-appreciation - that I am, through looking for such aspects/points
externally, stating that I refuse to
give these points to myself, to live these points for myself as parts and
points of me – and so I see and realize that for as long as I accept and allow myself
to deny myself that which I see myself require within my relationship to me
through searching for it outside of myself, I am at the same time making my
relationship to me, to who I am and to how I see myself dependent on external
factors which I really in fact CANNOT CONTROL – since I see and realize that
how others may/might react and respond to who I am does not, and cannot, define,
portray or depict who I really am – since what others think and feel about me would
rather represent who they are in relation to looking at their life-experiences
and memories – where I realize that who I am in other people’s minds will get
filtered through layers of memories, past events, inherited opinions, beliefs
and so on – since I see and realize that these are aspects, points and layers that
I see through as well, where I realize that when I react towards something within
positivity or negativity, then that is a result and outcome of how I have
created my mind through memories and past events – as such I realize that when and
how I internally react towards external circumstances and other people, is a
result of my own acceptances and allowances and that I am thus responsible –
and through that I also realize that how another reacts and responds to me, and
how others perceives/sees me, is not something I can control – as I have no
idea how others entire mind works – and within this I furthermore see and
realize that it is mind-reactions, not even the real person – so there is
really no reason for me to take it personally, fear certain reactions and
desire others – that the real solution here would rather be to investigate and
look at the aspect and points that I am searching for externally and so focus
on how I can incorporate and give myself such points – so that I within this
can stop letting my relationship with me be dependent and conditioned by
external points which I cannot control.
- When and as I see that I am
attempting and trying to decode and assess who I should be and present myself
as to be able to activate, trigger and generate positive
experiences/opinions/perceptions/ideas within the people/person that I am
interacting with – I stop and I breathe – where I commit myself to be aware of
who I am when being/interacting with others and thus aware of the tendency of
attempting and trying to decode and assess who I should be to be able to
confirm and experience it as though others approve of, accept and validate who
I am – wherein I stop myself when I see myself activating this program through
the fear of ‘what others may think’ – and so re-instruct myself to take a
moment, breathe, and instead place my focus on being me – and in that I
furthermore commit myself to work on my relationship with me from the
perspective of stopping my participation within the search for external
confirmation and validation and instead investigate and explore how I can give
myself that which I see myself looking for externally, how and what I require
to be able to really accept myself – to in that make sure that I take
responsibility for standing stable within myself, accepting me, no matter how I
perceive others to respond/react to me – to in that break the dependency and enslavement
that I have formed towards external circumstances and instead focus on that
which I actually can control, that which I do have the ability, the capacity
and the responsibility to change – as the relationship I have with myself from
the perspective of what and why I deny myself that which I see myself require
to be able to stop the endless external search and dependency – because within
this I see and realize that being me, and actually accepting myself, is really
something that I would want within my life and within my relationship to me –
so, therefor I commit myself to, within this life, within my life, really embrace
the opportunity to live within equality and oneness with myself through giving
myself self-acceptance and self-respect – because where the pattern of
searching for such aspects outside of me has lead me is really just nowhere,
and will thus not lead to anything else in the future either – so therefor I
commit myself to explore and investigate where I can lead myself with taking my
life in my own hands and so decide to live self-acceptance for myself, to live
self-respect for myself, to stand with myself instead of against myself.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear that others will succeed in ways and within areas
where I perceive myself to have failed within or am unable to succeed within –
due to thinking and believing that if another person can succeed and manage to
obtain a better result than me within areas that I participate within, then
that must mean that I am not ‘as good as that person’ but am rather less than
and inadequate – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and
allowed myself to compare the perception I have of my external
performances/accomplishments to others, where I within that have allowed myself
to create a pattern of constant comparison and competition in the sense of
believing that who I am, and so my self-worth, is determined and measured by
whether or not I perceive others to be better than me within areas that I
participate within as well.
- I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to fear that the image I present of myself to the
world will be deteriorated and degraded if and when I perceive someone else to
be better than me or more successful than me within areas of which I
participate within as well.
- Within this I forgive myself that I
have not ever within or throughout my life accepted and allowed myself to
question this pattern of self-interest as how I exist and live within this
world in relation to others, where all I have come to care about is presenting
an acceptable image of myself to the world – and within this I forgive myself
that I have not accepted and allowed myself to question and ask myself why – in
the sense of looking at and investigating how and why I believe that presenting
an acceptable image of myself to the world would matter or determine who I am - I mean; here I am
busy separating myself from all and everyone through a continuous pattern of
competition, where I essentially want others to fail just so that I can portray
myself as more successful within the mind, but – why? What purpose does that
serve?
- And so within this I commit myself
to, through my writings and my self-forgiveness, start to investigate, look at
and question the patterns I have formed in relation to feeling the need to
portray and present an acceptable image of myself to the world – where I see and realize that I do not even understand my own
creation fully, where I exist within an obsession in regards to the results I
obtain externally in the sense of fearing failure and desiring to be better
than others within what I do – but in where I have never really asked myself
why, since – no matter what I ‘accomplish’ externally I have still always
feared failure and especially in the context of perceiving myself to not be as
good as others, due to thinking and believing that if I do not manage to
portray an acceptable image of myself to the world then that must mean that I
am inadequate – and so to within this look at the pattern of competing with
others, where I realize that the construct serve no purpose but is merely
perpetuating my existence within separation from others – and am thus
separating myself from me through comparing myself with points and aspects that
are outside of me – instead of actually establishing a relationship with me
where I live self-acceptance and in that expand and grow within what I do
without utilizing the points of comparison and competition, but rather move
myself and so stand with others in assisting and supporting myself and so
others to expand, develop and grow.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear how other people may/might react if I do not attain
the best possible results in school, in where I have accepted and allowed
myself to think and believe that other people demand and expect me to always be
aligned with what is defined as a ‘high achiever’ and within that would consequentially
get disappointed and see me as less worthy if I wouldn’t manage to ‘remain
within that category’ in the sense of not getting all the correct answers on
exams etc. – not seeing or realizing that these are all just projections of my
own internal reactions to and towards myself, where I am the one who have
accepted and allowed myself to form demands in relation to what I perceive that
I have to achieve to not become disappointed at myself and feel less worthy –
and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
define myself according to how I think and believe that others sees me – not
seeing or realizing that this is deliberate manipulation – in where I have
accepted and allowed myself to project my responsibility in regards to deciding
who I am and how I see myself onto others, through unquestionably just
accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to how I think,
believe and perceive others to see me – not seeing or realizing that how I
experience myself and how I see myself does not automatically have to be dependent
on how others sees me, but that I am the one who has created this connection
and dependency, and am thus the one who has decided to define myself according
to my perception of how others sees me and what they may/might think of me – in
where I have allowed my experience of myself to be and become dependent on
others – and within this I see and realize that I am responsible for and am
capable of deciding who I am and how I am going to experience myself in every
moment.
- And in this I see and realize that I
am actually deliberately holding onto this fear in regards to what others would
think of me if I wouldn’t attain the best possible results anymore – in where I
am holding onto that fear as an attempt to move and motivate me into
continuously working harder – and I realize that this is a construct that is
based on my lack of self-trust, where I do not trust that I am capable of moving
and motivating myself into working hard – so within this thinking and believing
that I require some form of external motivation to keep me going – where I fear
that I wouldn’t be as motivated to work hard if I did not fear the possible
outcome of not working hard, and so I see how I created this point of fearing
how others might see me as an attempt to make school something more than what
it is in the sense of making my results within school seem more important –
because when only looking at the practical aspect of grades, I couldn’t really
find enough importance and value within striving for good grades – and so I
attached something more to it, something that could motivate me into aiming for
good results. And within this I see and realize how I actually saw school as
completely useless as a child – and in where I later realized that I will have
to walk through school in some way or another – where I thus attempted and
tried to find a meaning within it, as something that could actually make me
‘care’ and motivate me so that I would be able to actually move myself to walk
through something that I initially saw as useless – and so in that created this
point that I saw myself ‘care for’ and fear – as the point of what others think
of me, and in where I used that point to make school into something ‘important’
instead of ‘useless’.
- In this I commit myself to further
investigate this one point of how I, as a child, made myself see school as
something useless, worthless and totally unimportant and boring, where I basically
just did not care and saw myself as ‘that student’ who just did not give a
fuck, who cut classes, who failed on exams and did not even bother - to how I
later went into the total polarity of seeing school as ‘the most important
thing’ and in that also becoming the polarity of who I was. I mean; looking at
this it’s interesting to see how I always obsessed about what others may/might
think of me and that I also did care about school and my results only because
of that one point of seeing that others defined me according to my results –
but that I immediately just saw myself as incapable of achieving good results,
in where I just instantly decided that I was not good enough, that I would
never be able to become ‘one of the smart kids’ – and so in that decided to
talk myself into and convincing myself that ‘I don’t care about school’ – which
became a defense-mechanism for not having to feel worthless all the time, as I
did not understand but had great problems with managing the whole situation in
school – and so just gave up in a way. Where I thus later on saw that to be
able to walk through school I have to utilize that one single point that
initially made me care about school but that I ‘gave up’ due to perceiving
myself as not good enough/incapable – as the fear and obsession with what
others think of me. And so I commit myself to investigate this whole construct
that I have set up for myself in where I have accepted and allowed myself to
utilize fear of what others might think of me as the motivation and driving-force
behind why I work so hard – and so instead establish self-trust in relation to practicing
on and learning how to move myself, how to become the directive principle of me
– in where I see and realize that I do not require fear of what others might
think for me to be able to actually motivate and move myself within what I do.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear not understanding something within school immediately
– and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to,
if and when I see myself being unable to immediately understand/comprehend
something go into a reaction of irritation and self-anger, where I create and
manifest self-inflicted stress and self-blame as an automatic outflow whenever
I perceive it as though I do not comprehend something – not seeing or realizing
that inflicting stress and self-irritation/anger will not, and cannot, actually
help me within the situation, that it will not make me more inclined to
actually understanding the information but that I am within this just starting an
internal fight with myself where I am essentially bullying myself for not being
a super-human that understands everything immediately – where what I actually would
need in such situation to assist and support myself to understand would be to
slow myself down and investigate what it is that I don’t understand and thus
look at what I require to be able to understand – and that when I go into a
reaction and internal conflict I am only making it even harder – because within
this I now see, realize and understand that when I go into a reaction of ‘I don’t
get it, aaaaaaah I am so stupid’ I have already decided that I will not
understand and have thus locked myself into that self-belief which prevents me
from focusing on what I would require to comprehend – in where I instead become
preoccupied within a reaction and internal fight.
- I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to get so caught up within this one single point of
not understanding something that I completely forget about and disregard everything
else – in where I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and participate
within the reactions and internal conversations that emerges within me in
moments where I perceive myself to be unable to understand/comprehend something
– and in that placing all of my focus and attention on this one single
dimension – in where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to see this one point of not understanding/comprehending something specific as
something that defines the totality and entirety of my life, of who I am and my
self-worth – and in this I see, realize and understand that I have accepted and
allowed myself to create this pattern of taking things to an extreme, in where
I do not see reality or the entirety of my existence because of accepting and
allowing myself to get caught up within one dimension as the one point in
relation to something that I do not perceive myself to understand immediately
and completely – and in where I within that allow myself to define my whole
existence according to the reactions that comes up within such instant – where I
all of a sudden see my whole life and myself as worthless – merely because I do
not perceive myself to understand something within a moment.
- In this I commit myself to assist
and support myself in moments where I perceive it as though I do not
comprehend/understand something immediately – to in such moments stop the
reactions and slow myself down through breathing – in where I practice on
remaining here, where I see, realize and understand that starting a fight with
myself within the mind will not help me to understand – and therefor I commit myself
to stop within such moments and direct myself out of self-sabotage in where I
re-instruct myself to instead look at what I require in that moment to be able
to actually understand – and so give myself a solution instead of starting an
internal fight.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to think and believe that if I do not fear failure, then I
will fail – in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
hold on to the fear of not reaching perfect results through thinking and
believing that I will ‘stop caring’ if I do not fear failure – where I within
this have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming someone who ‘doesn’t
care’ as a result of how I have judged that as shameful and a sign of lacking
discipline – not seeing or realizing that I have allowed fear to be what
directs, moves and motivates me for such an extended period of time that I have
never actually considered or given myself the opportunity to develop self-movement
where I within my self-relationship directs myself, but have rather just waited
for internal stress and fear to ‘activate’ me – where I now see and realize
that I can within this move and direct myself without having to generate an
experience first.
- I forgive myself that I have not
accepted and allowed myself to trust my ability and capacity to move myself due
to having accepted and allowed myself to rather trust fear, anxiety and stress
for such an extended period of time – in where I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is only when I fear
failure that I will practically push myself to do what is required to be done –
where I have consequentially formed a resistance towards stopping this fear as
a result of believing myself to be dependent on internal experiences of
stress/fear/anxiety for me to be able to motivate myself into working hard.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allow myself to fear and resist not going into and stopping fear and stress
when and as I see it emerging within me – where I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to deliberately generate and manifest fear and stress as an
attempt to push myself to work harder and faster – as I see how I have created
myself in relation to my external reality, where I have accepted and allowed
myself to be and become completely dependent on an experience to tell me what
to do – where I have allowed that experience of fear and anxiety to be what
determines how hard I work, where I only take things ‘seriously’ if I first
generate and go into fear, stress, anxiety and nervousness, as that is what I
have learned to link and connect to something that is apparently important –
where I, on the other hand, when stopping and deleting the fear, the
nervousness, the anxiety and the stress, I will within me experience it as
though I don’t care, I don’t take it ‘seriously’ – which in itself would
trigger yet another fear, as the fear of not caring, and the fear that not
caring/not seeing what I practically participate within as something that
determines my value will be able to direct me into a state in where I become
unmotivated and undisciplined – not seeing or realizing that I do have the
ability, the capacity and the responsibility to move and direct myself to walk
through my practical responsibilities – and that I am capable of doing that no
matter what, that I do not require to make it seem as though my self-worth is
dependent on the result I obtain within what I am doing to be able to motivate
myself into actually working hard – and so within this I do see, realize and understand
that I have actually never even given myself the opportunity to develop this
self-movement, where I direct and motivate myself into studying and walking
through my daily responsibilities with me being the directive principle – but have
instead, for so long, just trusted some form of experience to ‘activate’ me, and
therefore I see and realize that it will take time, practice and patience – but
that I am ready to walk it, that I am ready to take that decision to stop the
fear-activation, in where I practically practice on leading myself within my
life.
- And so within this I commit myself
to give myself the opportunity to assist and support myself within my practical
participation through re-instructing myself – where I commit myself to change
my starting-point to immediately stop and breathe when and as I see that fear
comes up, and in this state; ‘No! I move myself now, I do not require fear’ –
to in this moment practice self-movement in real-time, where I no more accept
and allow myself to continue the dependency that I have formed to/towards fear,
but instead take the decision to move myself, to direct myself and to walk that
practically, where I change the pattern of waiting for fear to activate me –in
where I instead take the initiative to move, direct and motivate myself – as I
within this realize that fighting myself through going into fear and stress
will and does weaken my physical body and in the long-run I will and am
creating consequences which are not cool – and therefor I commit myself to support
myself to within this learn how to live self-movement here and now.
