When The Best Student Fails - Day 395

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into absolute self-defeat while doing the final exam due to not being capable of answering all of the questions and so accessing and becoming preoccupied by fear of failure – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear of failure as an automatic response when coming across a question that I did not understand/did not know the correct answer to – wherein I would thus remain in that experience of fear that the first instance of not knowing the answer to a question set off, and so brought that experience with me throughout the entire exam – consequentially fearing every single upcoming question due to already having created a definition of myself as a failure caused by that first instance as the question that I saw myself being unable to answer correctly.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into stress and anxiety when struggling with a question due to the limited amount of time that I had – wherein I would thus self-sabotage through looking at the watch and within that go into the mind thinking ‘shit, common –fuck I am so slow’ where I essentially just created a point of total black-out as a consequence of going into the mind, judging myself and inflicting stress – which I see, realize and understand merely made it more difficult as I would within that rather make myself ineffective since I was so busy participating within another dimension within the mind instead of actually being here, with me, working with myself to figure the equation out – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that judging and being hard on myself will push me into working harder and faster – not seeing or realizing that every time I accept and allow myself to participate within stress, fear and anxiety I am only making it harder for myself since I am basically attempting to fight myself into managing to work harder and faster – which results in internal conflict/friction that prevents me from focusing on the only point that is here, which is the question/equation – where I see and realize that what I would require is to actually stand with myself and so work with me instead of against me.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to split myself into two separate entities within the mind through accessing fear, stress and self-anger as a response to perceiving myself not to work hard and fast enough throughout the exam and so within that creating yet another point within me of desire to succeed – and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear of failure and desire to succeed as two separate points and dimensions of which I utilize to motivate and push myself within an exam – instead of seeing and realizing how this merely limits me from seeing what is here in self-stability and so support myself to walk through the exam moment by moment, breath by breath – because within that my starting-point is based on fear and desire rather than me, being here, walking what needs to be walked.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a perception of the final exam as the most important thing in the world, where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own future and so take it to an extreme through making the possibility of getting a bad grade seem way greater than what it is in practical reality – but within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed manipulation in terms of going into the mind and convincing myself that this whole semester has been worthless and useless, that all the time I have spent studying and stressing about has been for nothing due to now understanding that I will lower my final grade.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to judge and blame myself as inadequate due to not nailing the final exam, wherein I would thus go into a point of grief, as though a part of me died with that final exam – which basically is what happened, because within this I see, realize and understand that I had formed a definition of myself based on always nailing the exams thus far, and while being faced with the final exam I realized that that would not be the case this time – which would then trigger such experience of grief/loss – and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear receiving the grade on my final exam due to understanding that the teacher will have to ask me what the hell went wrong – and so I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the teacher’s feedback due to having allowed myself to take the result of my performance personally and thus within that understanding that the teacher will point out that I have never performed this bad before – not seeing or realizing that, yes, the teacher will point this out and will most likely get quite surprised by the result to say the least, but that does not mean that I have  to take it personally, it does not mean that I have to blame and judge myself, as who I am, according to the feedback.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an emotional attachment to ‘bad grades’ and ‘failure’ – where I react to everything except nailing the exam in absolute despair and shame – instead of within that seeing and realizing that reacting to it in despair and shame cannot assist or support me in any way, but that I am merely feeding and empowering the point of accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the grades even more.

I’ll continue on this point tomorrow.

When People Give Up On You - Day 374

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I stop existing within and fueling the construct of constantly demanding myself to be the best that one can possibly be in school, I will become and experience myself as I did in the past in relation to school in where I saw myself as someone that teachers would become impatient with and give up on – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear experiencing it as though others give up on me or see me as careless/lazy/undisciplined due to thinking and believing that the perception others form of me can determine who I am – not seeing or realizing that for others to be able to determine who I am, I must give my consent and approval – thus I see and realize that I am always responsible for how I see myself and for what I accept and allow myself to define myself according to and what not – that just because I form a certain perception/interpretation of how another sees me does not automatically mean that I have to align myself with that, but that I have the capacity, the ability and the responsibility to in every moment decide who I am and so who I am going to be in relation to the perception I form of what others think about me/how others sees me.

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I require and am dependent on fear of what others may/might think of me for me to be able to move and motivate me into working hard in school – and so within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping my participation within fear of being seen as a failure/not good enough/lazy/careless/undisciplined by others due to not trusting myself in the sense of thinking and believing that if I do not fear what others may/might think of me, I won’t be able to push and motivate myself into actually work hard – not seeing or realizing that I have not even given myself the opportunity to become the directive principle of me but have instead always allowed myself to rely on external factors to be what determines what I do and my motivation – and so within this I furthermore forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to determine and decide who I am for myself – but have instead always within and throughout my life waited for others to tell me who I am, what I am capable of and what I must do – in where I have accepted and allowed myself to look and search for others expectations and demands and unquestionably align myself and my living accordingly – where I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to even consider looking inside of myself, trusting me in relation to seeing and realizing that I do not require external factors to motivate me, to tell me who I am or what I am capable of – but that what I really in fact require is me, is to establish self-trust and a relationship with myself in where I, instead of looking outside of myself for motivation, investigate within myself what I require to move myself.

 

• Within this I commit myself to assist and support myself within moments where I see that fear of what others may/might think of me in relation to my external participation in school comes up – to within that moment immediately stop my participation and breathe, where I no more accept and allow myself to give value to and go into the fear – but instead start questioning it in the sense of looking at; does others possible thoughts/experiences of me really determine who I am? – and so within this I commit myself to take my life in my own hands in the sense of looking inside of me, trusting myself and realizing that I have the ability, the capacity and the responsibility to move myself – and so I commit myself to make sure that I am the one that directs me within what I am doing.

How Fear Controls an Overachiever - Day 373

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how other people may/might react if I do not attain the best possible results in school, in where I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that other people demand and expect me to always be aligned with what is defined as a ‘high achiever’ and within that would consequentially get disappointed and see me as less worthy if I wouldn’t manage to ‘remain within that category’ in the sense of not getting all the correct answers on exams etc. – not seeing or realizing that these are all just projections of my own internal reactions to and towards myself, where I am the one who have accepted and allowed myself to form demands in relation to what I perceive that I have to achieve to not become disappointed at myself and feel less worthy – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how I think and believe that others sees me – not seeing or realizing that this is deliberate manipulation – in where I have accepted and allowed myself to project my responsibility in regards to deciding who I am and how I see myself onto others, through unquestionably just accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to how I think, believe and perceive others to see me – not seeing or realizing that how I experience myself and how I see myself does not automatically have to be dependent on how others sees me, but that I am the one who has created this connection and dependency, and am thus the one who has decided to define myself according to my perception of how others sees me and what they may/might think of me – in where I have allowed my experience of myself to be and become dependent on others – and within this I see and realize that I am responsible for and am capable of deciding who I am and how I am going to experience myself in every moment.

 

• And in this I see and realize that I am actually deliberately holding onto this fear in regards to what others would think of me if I wouldn’t attain the best possible results anymore – in where I am holding onto that fear as an attempt to move and motivate me into continuously working harder – and I realize that this is a construct that is based on my lack of self-trust, where I do not trust that I am capable of moving and motivating myself into working hard – so within this thinking and believing that I require some form of external motivation to keep me going – where I fear that I wouldn’t be as motivated to work hard if I did not fear the possible outcome of not working hard, and so I see how I created this point of fearing how others might see me as an attempt to make school something more than what it is in the sense of making my results within school seem more important – because when only looking at the practical aspect of grades, I couldn’t really find enough importance and value within striving for good grades – and so I attached something more to it, something that could motivate me into aiming for good results. And within this I see and realize how I actually saw school as completely useless as a child – and in where I later realized that I will have to walk through school in some way or another – where I thus attempted and tried to find a meaning within it, as something that could actually make me ‘care’ and motivate me so that I would be able to actually move myself to walk through something that I initially saw as useless – and so in that created this point that I saw myself ‘care for’ and fear – as the point of what others think of me, and in where I used that point to make school into something ‘important’ instead of ‘useless’.

 

• In this I commit myself to further investigate this one point of how I, as a child, made myself see school as something useless, worthless and totally unimportant and boring, where I basically just did not care and saw myself as ‘that student’ who just did not give a fuck, who cut classes, who failed on exams and did not even bother - to how I later went into the total polarity of seeing school as ‘the most important thing’ and in that also becoming the polarity of who I was. I mean; looking at this it’s interesting to see how I always obsessed about what others may/might think of me and that I also did care about school and my results only because of that one point of seeing that others defined me according to my results – but that I immediately just saw myself as incapable of achieving good results, in where I just instantly decided that I was not good enough, that I would never be able to become ‘one of the smart kids’ – and so in that decided to talk myself into and convincing myself that ‘I don’t care about school’ – which became a defense-mechanism for not having to feel worthless all the time, as I did not understand but had great problems with managing the whole situation in school – and so just gave up in a way. Where I thus later on saw that to be able to walk through school I have to utilize that one single point that initially made me care about school but that I ‘gave up’ due to perceiving myself as not good enough/incapable – as the fear and obsession with what others think of me. And so I commit myself to investigate this whole construct that I have set up for myself in where I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize fear of what others might think of me as the motivation and driving-force behind why I work so hard – and so instead establish self-trust in relation to practicing on and learning how to move myself, how to become the directive principle of me – in where I see and realize that I do not require fear of what others might think for me to be able to actually motivate and move myself within what I do.

Self-Inflicted Stress And Self-Anger - Day 372

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not understanding something within school immediately – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, if and when I see myself being unable to immediately understand/comprehend something go into a reaction of irritation and self-anger, where I create and manifest self-inflicted stress and self-blame as an automatic outflow whenever I perceive it as though I do not comprehend something – not seeing or realizing that inflicting stress and self-irritation/anger will not, and cannot, actually help me within the situation, that it will not make me more inclined to actually understanding the information but that I am within this just starting an internal fight with myself where I am essentially bullying myself for not being a super-human that understands everything immediately – where what I actually would need in such situation to assist and support myself to understand would be to slow myself down and investigate what it is that I don’t understand and thus look at what I require to be able to understand – and that when I go into a reaction and internal conflict I am only making it even harder – because within this I now see, realize and understand that when I go into a reaction of ‘I don’t get it, aaaaaaah I am so stupid’ I have already decided that I will not understand and have thus locked myself into that self-belief which prevents me from focusing on what I would require to comprehend – in where I instead become preoccupied within a reaction and internal fight.

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get so caught up within this one single point of not understanding something that I completely forget about and disregard everything else – in where I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and participate within the reactions and internal conversations that emerges within me in moments where I perceive myself to be unable to understand/comprehend something – and in that placing all of my focus and attention on this one single dimension – in where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this one point of not understanding/comprehending something specific as something that defines the totality and entirety of my life, of who I am and my self-worth – and in this I see, realize and understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this pattern of taking things to an extreme, in where I do not see reality or the entirety of my existence because of accepting and allowing myself to get caught up within one dimension as the one point in relation to something that I do not perceive myself to understand immediately and completely – and in where I within that allow myself to define my whole existence according to the reactions that comes up within such instant – where I all of a sudden see my whole life and myself as worthless – merely because I do not perceive myself to understand something within a moment.

 

• In this I commit myself to assist and support myself in moments where I perceive it as though I do not comprehend/understand something immediately – to in such moments stop the reactions and slow myself down through breathing – in where I practice on remaining here, where I see, realize and understand that starting a fight with myself within the mind will not help me to understand – and therefor I commit myself to stop within such moments and direct myself out of self-sabotage in where I re-instruct myself to instead look at what I require in that moment to be able to actually understand – and so give myself a solution instead of starting an internal fight.