- I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear that if I stop existing within and fueling the
construct of constantly demanding myself to be the best that one can possibly be
in school, I will become and experience myself as I did in the past in relation
to school in where I saw myself as someone that teachers would become impatient
with and give up on – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and
allowed myself to fear experiencing it as though others give up on me or see me
as careless/lazy/undisciplined due to thinking and believing that the
perception others form of me can determine who I am – not seeing or realizing
that for others to be able to determine who I am, I must give my consent and
approval – thus I see and realize that I am always responsible for how I see
myself and for what I accept and allow myself to define myself according to and
what not – that just because I form a certain perception/interpretation of how
another sees me does not automatically mean that I have to align myself with
that, but that I have the capacity, the ability and the responsibility to in
every moment decide who I am and so who I am going to be in relation to the
perception I form of what others think about me/how others sees me.
- I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I require and am
dependent on fear of what others may/might think of me for me to be able to
move and motivate me into working hard in school – and so within that I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping my
participation within fear of being seen as a failure/not good
enough/lazy/careless/undisciplined by others due to not trusting myself in the
sense of thinking and believing that if I do not fear what others may/might
think of me, I won’t be able to push and motivate myself into actually work
hard – not seeing or realizing that I have not even given myself the
opportunity to become the directive principle of me but have instead always
allowed myself to rely on external factors to be what determines what I do and
my motivation – and so within this I furthermore forgive myself that I have not
accepted and allowed myself to determine and decide who I am for myself – but have
instead always within and throughout my life waited for others to tell me who I
am, what I am capable of and what I must do – in where I have accepted and
allowed myself to look and search for others expectations and demands and
unquestionably align myself and my living accordingly – where I forgive myself
that I have never accepted and allowed myself to even consider looking inside
of myself, trusting me in relation to seeing and realizing that I do not
require external factors to motivate me, to tell me who I am or what I am
capable of – but that what I really in fact require is me, is to establish self-trust
and a relationship with myself in where I, instead of looking outside of myself
for motivation, investigate within myself what I require to move myself.
- Within this I commit myself to
assist and support myself within moments where I see that fear of what others
may/might think of me in relation to my external participation in school comes
up – to within that moment immediately stop my participation and breathe, where
I no more accept and allow myself to give value to and go into the fear – but instead
start questioning it in the sense of looking at; does others possible thoughts/experiences
of me really determine who I am? – and so within this I commit myself to take my
life in my own hands in the sense of looking inside of me, trusting myself and
realizing that I have the ability, the capacity and the responsibility to move
myself – and so I commit myself to make sure that I am the one that directs me
within what I am doing.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear how other people may/might react if I do not attain
the best possible results in school, in where I have accepted and allowed
myself to think and believe that other people demand and expect me to always be
aligned with what is defined as a ‘high achiever’ and within that would consequentially
get disappointed and see me as less worthy if I wouldn’t manage to ‘remain
within that category’ in the sense of not getting all the correct answers on
exams etc. – not seeing or realizing that these are all just projections of my
own internal reactions to and towards myself, where I am the one who have
accepted and allowed myself to form demands in relation to what I perceive that
I have to achieve to not become disappointed at myself and feel less worthy –
and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
define myself according to how I think and believe that others sees me – not
seeing or realizing that this is deliberate manipulation – in where I have
accepted and allowed myself to project my responsibility in regards to deciding
who I am and how I see myself onto others, through unquestionably just
accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to how I think,
believe and perceive others to see me – not seeing or realizing that how I
experience myself and how I see myself does not automatically have to be dependent
on how others sees me, but that I am the one who has created this connection
and dependency, and am thus the one who has decided to define myself according
to my perception of how others sees me and what they may/might think of me – in
where I have allowed my experience of myself to be and become dependent on
others – and within this I see and realize that I am responsible for and am
capable of deciding who I am and how I am going to experience myself in every
moment.
- And in this I see and realize that I
am actually deliberately holding onto this fear in regards to what others would
think of me if I wouldn’t attain the best possible results anymore – in where I
am holding onto that fear as an attempt to move and motivate me into
continuously working harder – and I realize that this is a construct that is
based on my lack of self-trust, where I do not trust that I am capable of moving
and motivating myself into working hard – so within this thinking and believing
that I require some form of external motivation to keep me going – where I fear
that I wouldn’t be as motivated to work hard if I did not fear the possible
outcome of not working hard, and so I see how I created this point of fearing
how others might see me as an attempt to make school something more than what
it is in the sense of making my results within school seem more important –
because when only looking at the practical aspect of grades, I couldn’t really
find enough importance and value within striving for good grades – and so I
attached something more to it, something that could motivate me into aiming for
good results. And within this I see and realize how I actually saw school as
completely useless as a child – and in where I later realized that I will have
to walk through school in some way or another – where I thus attempted and
tried to find a meaning within it, as something that could actually make me
‘care’ and motivate me so that I would be able to actually move myself to walk
through something that I initially saw as useless – and so in that created this
point that I saw myself ‘care for’ and fear – as the point of what others think
of me, and in where I used that point to make school into something ‘important’
instead of ‘useless’.
- In this I commit myself to further
investigate this one point of how I, as a child, made myself see school as
something useless, worthless and totally unimportant and boring, where I basically
just did not care and saw myself as ‘that student’ who just did not give a
fuck, who cut classes, who failed on exams and did not even bother - to how I
later went into the total polarity of seeing school as ‘the most important
thing’ and in that also becoming the polarity of who I was. I mean; looking at
this it’s interesting to see how I always obsessed about what others may/might
think of me and that I also did care about school and my results only because
of that one point of seeing that others defined me according to my results –
but that I immediately just saw myself as incapable of achieving good results,
in where I just instantly decided that I was not good enough, that I would
never be able to become ‘one of the smart kids’ – and so in that decided to
talk myself into and convincing myself that ‘I don’t care about school’ – which
became a defense-mechanism for not having to feel worthless all the time, as I
did not understand but had great problems with managing the whole situation in
school – and so just gave up in a way. Where I thus later on saw that to be
able to walk through school I have to utilize that one single point that
initially made me care about school but that I ‘gave up’ due to perceiving
myself as not good enough/incapable – as the fear and obsession with what
others think of me. And so I commit myself to investigate this whole construct
that I have set up for myself in where I have accepted and allowed myself to
utilize fear of what others might think of me as the motivation and driving-force
behind why I work so hard – and so instead establish self-trust in relation to practicing
on and learning how to move myself, how to become the directive principle of me
– in where I see and realize that I do not require fear of what others might
think for me to be able to actually motivate and move myself within what I do.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear not understanding something within school immediately
– and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to,
if and when I see myself being unable to immediately understand/comprehend
something go into a reaction of irritation and self-anger, where I create and
manifest self-inflicted stress and self-blame as an automatic outflow whenever
I perceive it as though I do not comprehend something – not seeing or realizing
that inflicting stress and self-irritation/anger will not, and cannot, actually
help me within the situation, that it will not make me more inclined to
actually understanding the information but that I am within this just starting an
internal fight with myself where I am essentially bullying myself for not being
a super-human that understands everything immediately – where what I actually would
need in such situation to assist and support myself to understand would be to
slow myself down and investigate what it is that I don’t understand and thus
look at what I require to be able to understand – and that when I go into a
reaction and internal conflict I am only making it even harder – because within
this I now see, realize and understand that when I go into a reaction of ‘I don’t
get it, aaaaaaah I am so stupid’ I have already decided that I will not
understand and have thus locked myself into that self-belief which prevents me
from focusing on what I would require to comprehend – in where I instead become
preoccupied within a reaction and internal fight.
- I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to get so caught up within this one single point of
not understanding something that I completely forget about and disregard everything
else – in where I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and participate
within the reactions and internal conversations that emerges within me in
moments where I perceive myself to be unable to understand/comprehend something
– and in that placing all of my focus and attention on this one single
dimension – in where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to see this one point of not understanding/comprehending something specific as
something that defines the totality and entirety of my life, of who I am and my
self-worth – and in this I see, realize and understand that I have accepted and
allowed myself to create this pattern of taking things to an extreme, in where
I do not see reality or the entirety of my existence because of accepting and
allowing myself to get caught up within one dimension as the one point in
relation to something that I do not perceive myself to understand immediately
and completely – and in where I within that allow myself to define my whole
existence according to the reactions that comes up within such instant – where I
all of a sudden see my whole life and myself as worthless – merely because I do
not perceive myself to understand something within a moment.
- In this I commit myself to assist
and support myself in moments where I perceive it as though I do not
comprehend/understand something immediately – to in such moments stop the
reactions and slow myself down through breathing – in where I practice on
remaining here, where I see, realize and understand that starting a fight with
myself within the mind will not help me to understand – and therefor I commit myself
to stop within such moments and direct myself out of self-sabotage in where I
re-instruct myself to instead look at what I require in that moment to be able
to actually understand – and so give myself a solution instead of starting an
internal fight.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to think and believe that if I do not fear failure, then I
will fail – in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
hold on to the fear of not reaching perfect results through thinking and
believing that I will ‘stop caring’ if I do not fear failure – where I within
this have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming someone who ‘doesn’t
care’ as a result of how I have judged that as shameful and a sign of lacking
discipline – not seeing or realizing that I have allowed fear to be what
directs, moves and motivates me for such an extended period of time that I have
never actually considered or given myself the opportunity to develop self-movement
where I within my self-relationship directs myself, but have rather just waited
for internal stress and fear to ‘activate’ me – where I now see and realize
that I can within this move and direct myself without having to generate an
experience first.
- I forgive myself that I have not
accepted and allowed myself to trust my ability and capacity to move myself due
to having accepted and allowed myself to rather trust fear, anxiety and stress
for such an extended period of time – in where I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is only when I fear
failure that I will practically push myself to do what is required to be done –
where I have consequentially formed a resistance towards stopping this fear as
a result of believing myself to be dependent on internal experiences of
stress/fear/anxiety for me to be able to motivate myself into working hard.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allow myself to fear and resist not going into and stopping fear and stress
when and as I see it emerging within me – where I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to deliberately generate and manifest fear and stress as an
attempt to push myself to work harder and faster – as I see how I have created
myself in relation to my external reality, where I have accepted and allowed
myself to be and become completely dependent on an experience to tell me what
to do – where I have allowed that experience of fear and anxiety to be what
determines how hard I work, where I only take things ‘seriously’ if I first
generate and go into fear, stress, anxiety and nervousness, as that is what I
have learned to link and connect to something that is apparently important –
where I, on the other hand, when stopping and deleting the fear, the
nervousness, the anxiety and the stress, I will within me experience it as
though I don’t care, I don’t take it ‘seriously’ – which in itself would
trigger yet another fear, as the fear of not caring, and the fear that not
caring/not seeing what I practically participate within as something that
determines my value will be able to direct me into a state in where I become
unmotivated and undisciplined – not seeing or realizing that I do have the
ability, the capacity and the responsibility to move and direct myself to walk
through my practical responsibilities – and that I am capable of doing that no
matter what, that I do not require to make it seem as though my self-worth is
dependent on the result I obtain within what I am doing to be able to motivate
myself into actually working hard – and so within this I do see, realize and understand
that I have actually never even given myself the opportunity to develop this
self-movement, where I direct and motivate myself into studying and walking
through my daily responsibilities with me being the directive principle – but have
instead, for so long, just trusted some form of experience to ‘activate’ me, and
therefore I see and realize that it will take time, practice and patience – but
that I am ready to walk it, that I am ready to take that decision to stop the
fear-activation, in where I practically practice on leading myself within my
life.
- And so within this I commit myself
to give myself the opportunity to assist and support myself within my practical
participation through re-instructing myself – where I commit myself to change
my starting-point to immediately stop and breathe when and as I see that fear
comes up, and in this state; ‘No! I move myself now, I do not require fear’ –
to in this moment practice self-movement in real-time, where I no more accept
and allow myself to continue the dependency that I have formed to/towards fear,
but instead take the decision to move myself, to direct myself and to walk that
practically, where I change the pattern of waiting for fear to activate me –in
where I instead take the initiative to move, direct and motivate myself – as I
within this realize that fighting myself through going into fear and stress
will and does weaken my physical body and in the long-run I will and am
creating consequences which are not cool – and therefor I commit myself to support
myself to within this learn how to live self-movement here and now.
