Standing on My Own Two Feet - Day 413

An Epidemic of Chronic Boredom - Day 412

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my life and living in relation to what I practically do within my daily participation as dull, boring, insignificant, unfulfilling, incomplete and unsatisfying – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously just blindly and automatically allow the experiences of being unsatisfied, bored and unfulfilled to exist and take over when it comes up within me, as though ‘that is just the way it is and has to be’– without seeing and realizing that the ‘way it is’ is my creation, that both the experiences I have formed as responses to what I do within my practical living and the actual life I decide to live as what I participate within is all based on my decisions, on me deciding to be unsatisfied with what I do within my life but still just continue living as is due to convenience – wherein I see and realize that I require to actually take responsibility for my own life and living through, within self-honesty, look at, investigate and sort out the continuous experiences I have in relation to my living and within that make clear, direct decisions within my life.

• In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become rigid, strict, stiff, oppressive and restrained as who I am and within what I do practically – where I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live within the moment from the perspective of allowing some spontaneity and self-expression but have instead allowed myself to become completely constraint and restricted – where I see and realize that I have self-sabotaged for myself within my life and living through constantly and continuously thinking about the things that I ‘have to do’ and the responsibilities I have and where I have consequentially formed my daily living according to fear of not getting things done, on fear of not being enough and doing enough – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others may/might think and the possibility of others becoming disappointed/angry/annoyed with my performance/effectiveness if or when I would not get ‘enough’ done within my day or not do the things that I perceive others to expect of/from me – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I am the one manipulating and sabotaging through accessing fear of others and fear of others possible opinions of me and what I do within my life - and within that letting such fear guide, move and direct me – instead of me, asking myself, what I require to be able to give myself the life that it is that I would really want for myself – because within this I see, realize and understand that this is actually my life – and how I choose to live is my decision alone – and, deciding to live within fear of not being who I think others want me to be and fear of not being ‘enough’ is not what I want for myself, is not what I want my life to be based on and driven by – and so I see, realize and understand that only I can change this and therefor I commit myself to assist and support myself within moments where I see that I am accessing fear of not being ‘enough’ in the eyes of others – where I within this stop my participation and ground myself here through breathing – where I take a stance to no more accepting and allowing myself to follow, comply with and allow fear of others to direct me within my life, within my daily decisions and within my practical participation – but instead I support myself through slowing myself down, making sure that my starting-point behind what I practically do is that of self-direction and self-movement.

Can You Control What Others Will Think of You? - Day 401

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the outcome and possible consequences of people not forming a positive opinion, perception and idea of me – in where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my safety, my life and I would be in danger and threatened if and when another person/people would form opinions, ideas or perceptions of me that are based on negativity and disapproval and that I thus have to protect myself, my life and my own safety through making sure that who I am when being with or around others/another is aligned with what that specific person/people prefer and approves of and so aligned with what will activate and generate positive reactions and responses within the beings/being that I am encountering – not seeing or realizing that I can in no way control other people’s reactions or responses – because I see and realize that people will react differently to different types of behaviors within people – which then shows me that how a person reacts or respond to a certain behavior or another being is merely a result of how that person has created their mind, where the opinions and possible experiences are merely products of memories – which I see within myself and so realize within myself, that what I react to and how I react, what activates, triggers and generates experiences and reactions and responses within me through external circumstances and other people, are merely products and results of my past, my memories in regards to what I have connected to certain conditions, behaviors, words, pictures etc. wherein the things I’ll see and hear through others, through their words and behaviors, are something that I have, within the mind, formed and linked specific experiences, perceptions, ideas and opinions to and towards – but it has nothing to do with the person/people I meet here and now, since the opinions and experiences already exists within me – and they merely get triggered and activated by certain conditions and situations as a result of the memories that I have formed and linked to certain behaviors, words etc. – and so, I see realize and understand that fearing other people’s minds, that fearing the possibility of standing as a point or dimension that will trigger, activate and generate negatively charged opinions, experiences and perceptions within another/other people is really conditioning and compromising and limiting my life and my relationship to me – where I see and realize that what I want for myself within my life and within my relationship to me and my relationship with others is for me to focus on BEING ME, on living the courage to stand for, stand by and stand WITH who I am in the sense of assisting and supporting myself to be stable within myself, and so trust myself within who I AM in every moment – that living my life in fear of how others entire mind works is very, very silly, as I see and realize that I cannot control others reactions since reactions and opinions and responses are merely outflows and outcomes of the person’s past and memories and their history, childhood and so what they have been presented with within their lives – and I realize that who I am will be seen through a veil and layer that are based on the beings past as their inhabited preferences and the specific connections they have formed and linked between behaviors/words and internal responses/experiences.

• And so therefor I commit myself to assist and support myself in practical reality when I am encountering or participating with other beings through being aware of the tendency I have of going into fear of not pleasing and getting approval from others due to the belief and idea that my safety, my life and I am at risk if the self-image that I present in some way activates, triggers or generates negatively charged opinions, perceptions and experiences within another or other people – and so within that I commit myself to practically support myself when and as I see myself going into fear of other people’s possible reactions/experiences/opinions and so the urge to mold, adjust and change myself to protect myself and ensure that I do not contribute to activating negatively charged experiences within another – where I within this stop and breathe, where I see and realize that I cannot control other people’s reactions or the process behind what triggers reactions, opinions and experiences within another’s mind – and within that I also realize that it’s the mind’s reaction, not even the real person – therefor I commit myself to direct myself out of the fear, bring myself back to here where I stand up within myself and decide to focus on BEING ME, and so, within moments where I see that I am accessing fear of triggering reactions that are based on negativity within other people’s minds I re-instruct myself to stop my participation in fear and instead focus on being me, where I no more accept and allow myself to live my life in fear of how others entire mind works but to instead establish and live the courage to be me and so trust myself and my capacity to stand up for myself, as I realize that I now have the capacity to protect and stand up for myself, thus I do not require or need to fear other’s negatively charged internal experiences.

The Toxic Fear of What Other People Might Think of You - Day 400

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being aligned with how other people would prefer and want me to be in the context of who I am, how I behave and how I look – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to mold, shape and adjust myself as the totality of who I am depending on who I am encountering, where I just instantaneously and automatically go into this pattern of adjusting, changing, molding and shaping myself with the starting-point of wanting, needing and desiring to attain the perception and interpretation of being someone that satisfies and pleases the person’s/people’s personal preferences in regards to what they appreciate, like and what activates and generates positive reactions and feelings within the individuals that I am facing.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being rejected by others/another person – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being faced with situations or moments where I perceive that who I am activates and generates negatively charged thoughts and experiences within another being – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I am rejected by another person/others or am activating negatively charged experiences or thoughts within another then that would mean, and be an evidence of the fact that I am not good enough and that who I am is not a worthwhile person – where I will thus allow myself to attempt and try to mold and shape myself so that I can avoid and prevent others from forming perceptions and opinions of me that are based on negativity due to thinking and believing that if I fail to make a ‘positive impression’ but instead activates and generates negative responses/reactions within others then I will consequentially HAVE TO feel inadequate, humiliated, less than, worthless, useless, self-hate and so on.

• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am taking the decision to utilize my perception of being rejected by others to confirm the judgments and opinions that I already have of myself in regards to being inadequate, less than, worthless, useless etc. – wherein such opinions and definitions does already exist within me through my acceptances and allowances in my relationship to myself – and that that is the only reason for why I would fear being rejected by others – because within this I see, realize and understand that if I would not have any negatively charged experiences and thoughts about myself within myself, that if I would not allow any form of self-judgment, then I would not be able to make such connection within the mind in relation to gauging my self-worth and self-value according to the perception I form of what reactions/thoughts/experiences I generate and activate within others – and I see and realize that what I see in others are merely reflections of myself, of my own experiences of me  - of my own self-relationship, wherein I see and realize that I am, every single day, rejecting myself, activating and generating negatively charged thoughts and experiences about myself – wherein I am the one that do not respect and accept myself and have consequentially thus placed such responsibility on others and so also given away the decision of who I am through accepting and allowing myself to define and decide who I am based on what I think and believe others to think and feel about me, what I think, believe and perceive myself to activate and generate within others – and I forgive myself that I have, for so long, for too long, accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to create and become a self, as I am, that would be seen as acceptable and adequate for others where I never allowed myself to let go of the idea and belief that I can only accept myself and respect myself and love myself when I am confirmed as good enough by others, when I can confirm that I have removed the possibility of activating negatively charged thoughts and experiences within others – not seeing or realizing that this possibility will inevitably exist as a possible outcome within my mind for as long as I allow myself to define and gauge my self-worth according to how I think and believe others to see and feel about me, because I cannot remove the possibility of activating negatively charged thoughts and experiences within myself as a response to the perception I form of my external world’s response to me through changing who I am externally – that for as long as I allow myself to judge and form negative opinions of me I will consequentially see such judgments and opinions within others as reflections of what I internally accept and allow.

• And so I see and realize that to stop fearing rejection within my world I require to stop rejecting myself through thoughts, words and deeds – I require to bring this point back to me and instead of trying to change and mold myself as an attempt to align myself with others personal preferences as what and who they prefer others to be, I have to focus on the real problem here – which is what I accept and allow within me, what I accept and allow myself to define and judge and hate myself for and why it is that I just do not want to stop hating and judging and bullying myself, what is the secret agenda here? What is it that I want to achieve? Because I realize that I can, in every moment, take that decision to stop, to stop projecting my self-judgments onto others, to stop finding excuses for why I am inadequate, to stop manipulating myself into thinking and believing that it is legitimate and justifiable for me to hate and judge and blame myself if I have managed to interpret it as though the initial rejection or disapproval came from another or others. And so why wouldn’t I stop this? Why would I want to continue?

• And so therefor I commit myself to really investigate, open up and look at this construct in regards to the value I place into the perception I form of what others think and feel about me, in regards to the desire, want and need to activate and generate certain thoughts and experiences within others and in regards to the fear of triggering negatively charged emotions and thoughts within others – where I see and realize that what I think that I am generating, activating and triggering within another/others are merely just a reflection of what I think and feel about myself, what I allow myself to generate and activate within me – and so I commit myself to stop projecting, to stop separating myself from me through fearing others rejection and experiences of me to instead see and realize that what I do fear is how I experience myself as a response to the perception I form of what others think and experience – and the opinions I believe others to form of me are just revealing and showing me the opinion I allow to exist within me of myself – and therefor, through my writings, self-forgiveness and self-correction, I commit myself to walk through this, to face this me that I have created myself as and in that bring all the pieces back to me in the sense of taking self-responsibility for what I accept and allow within my relationship with me and so no more accept and allow myself to mold and shape myself to attempt and try to avoid and prevent rejection but to instead make sure that I stop rejecting myself, that I stop judging and blaming and hating myself and within that see and realize that the reason for why I would fear external rejection is due to self-rejection in thoughts, words and deeds.

Living Self-Confidence When Faced With Challenges - Day 398

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my self-esteem and self-confidence in school to be and become dependent on how well I perceive myself to perform within exams and assignments – where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of being insecure and unconfident when and as I perceive myself not to perform as well as I normally do – and I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become dependent on attaining the experience of performing well for me to be able to feel and be confident – where I see and realize that I have allowed the experience of self-doubt to just take over and decide who I am, without me even questioning the experience due to thinking and believing that it is right, justified and legitimate for me to doubt myself and feel insecure when I have not performed well, thinking and believing that that gives me a free-pass to doubt myself and feel insecure – not seeing or realizing that this is an automated pattern that I have formed , where I am the one who gives my consent to self-doubt as a response of perceiving myself to having performed bad, but that just because I haven’t performed well does not mean that I have to or am obligated to doubt myself or let my confidence get influenced.

• Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take for granted and assume that whether I doubt myself or am confident will and must be determined by my external performance – wherein I would never, within or throughout my life, allow myself to establish real self-assurance and self-confidence but would instead just blindly accept and allow myself to believe that such points can merely be lived when, and as a result of, one’s external performances/achievements – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate this belief through living accordingly, wherein I would accept and allow myself to just blindly and unquestionably allow myself to limit myself within my relationship to me through not seeing and realizing that self-confidence and self-assurance can only be lived as constant points/parts within me when and as they are just that, lived, from the within to the without, as a decision and self-movement – and so I see and realize that when I am searching and looking for confidence outside of myself, within my performances and the things that I participate within, I am forming a dependency and am not at all taking responsibility for creating the self and the life that it is that I would really want for myself, but am rather looking and searching for aspects that I require within my relationship with me outside of myself – which I see and realize will inevitably lead to dependency, where I allow myself to become dependent on  the perception of performing well for me to be able to feel confident, when all the while I could have and can decide to give myself and live self-confidence as a living principle of me – to stop looking and searching outside of myself and to instead move and direct myself out of self-doubt and stop the pattern of letting my external performance determine how and who I am within myself and so without.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form expectations and/or anticipations according to the perception I have formed of how I have performed previously, wherein my latest performance within an exam/assignment determines what I expect/anticipate for the future in the sense of how I believe that I will perform in upcoming exams/assignments, wherein I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself the opportunity of always standing within myself, trusting me, and thus doing my best without anticipating or expecting any specific result but to instead live self-confidence no matter how ‘well’ I managed to perform in my latest exam/assignment.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I should not, and have no right to, be self-confident if and when I perceive my latest performance within school/an assignment/exam to be ‘bad’ – and wherein I have thus allowed my starting-point behind my continued participation, as the starting-point I have within the next exam/assignment, be and become influenced and determined by previous results – where I am holding on to past performances and thus expecting bad results if I did not perform well in the latest assignment/exam – instead of always giving myself a clean slate where I make sure that I let go of past results and instead make sure that I stand, within who I am as self-confidence, and so move myself to do my best in what is here now.

• In this I commit myself to assist and support myself to live self-confidence through no more just blindly accepting and allowing myself to go into self-doubt when I perceive my results and performances within school to be bad or not as good as they normally are – but to instead become aware of this tendency of just unquestionably believing that it is impossible and not legitimate for me to be confident within myself if and when I have not attained good results within my external participation – so therefor I commit myself to support myself within moments where I see that the experience of self-doubt starts to emerge within me, where I within such situations/moments stop, take a moment to breathe, and so re-instruct myself where I stop giving my consent to self-doubt to tell me who I am or what I am capable of – and so within that I instead make sure that I let go of past results/performances through realizing that I cannot change it, I can only make sure that I give myself the opportunity here and now to do my best – which I commit myself to do through making sure that I direct myself out of the experience of self-doubt that are based on past performances/results and so stand as and live self-confidence as a directive decision and movement.