Standing on My Own Two Feet - Day 413

An Epidemic of Chronic Boredom - Day 412

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my life and living in relation to what I practically do within my daily participation as dull, boring, insignificant, unfulfilling, incomplete and unsatisfying – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously just blindly and automatically allow the experiences of being unsatisfied, bored and unfulfilled to exist and take over when it comes up within me, as though ‘that is just the way it is and has to be’– without seeing and realizing that the ‘way it is’ is my creation, that both the experiences I have formed as responses to what I do within my practical living and the actual life I decide to live as what I participate within is all based on my decisions, on me deciding to be unsatisfied with what I do within my life but still just continue living as is due to convenience – wherein I see and realize that I require to actually take responsibility for my own life and living through, within self-honesty, look at, investigate and sort out the continuous experiences I have in relation to my living and within that make clear, direct decisions within my life.

• In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become rigid, strict, stiff, oppressive and restrained as who I am and within what I do practically – where I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live within the moment from the perspective of allowing some spontaneity and self-expression but have instead allowed myself to become completely constraint and restricted – where I see and realize that I have self-sabotaged for myself within my life and living through constantly and continuously thinking about the things that I ‘have to do’ and the responsibilities I have and where I have consequentially formed my daily living according to fear of not getting things done, on fear of not being enough and doing enough – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others may/might think and the possibility of others becoming disappointed/angry/annoyed with my performance/effectiveness if or when I would not get ‘enough’ done within my day or not do the things that I perceive others to expect of/from me – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I am the one manipulating and sabotaging through accessing fear of others and fear of others possible opinions of me and what I do within my life - and within that letting such fear guide, move and direct me – instead of me, asking myself, what I require to be able to give myself the life that it is that I would really want for myself – because within this I see, realize and understand that this is actually my life – and how I choose to live is my decision alone – and, deciding to live within fear of not being who I think others want me to be and fear of not being ‘enough’ is not what I want for myself, is not what I want my life to be based on and driven by – and so I see, realize and understand that only I can change this and therefor I commit myself to assist and support myself within moments where I see that I am accessing fear of not being ‘enough’ in the eyes of others – where I within this stop my participation and ground myself here through breathing – where I take a stance to no more accepting and allowing myself to follow, comply with and allow fear of others to direct me within my life, within my daily decisions and within my practical participation – but instead I support myself through slowing myself down, making sure that my starting-point behind what I practically do is that of self-direction and self-movement.

When Pride Gets in The Way - Day 408

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that other people that possesses a skill or knowledge within a specific  area/subject will, may or might see me as less than and inferior if I appear as completely lost within that particular subject through not possessing  any skill/understanding/knowledge what so ever – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to adjust, mold and change myself, where how I change and what I decide to ‘enhance’ gets determined by how I see and perceive another, in the context of what the individual that I am encountering seems to be good at or proficient in – and in that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form an automatic pattern that is based on fear of appearing as stupid/less than, wherein I see and realize that I am merely sabotaging for myself, as I am within this pattern preventing myself from expanding/growing through learning from another person’s expertise , as I am preoccupied with trying to hide and conceal the lack of knowledge I perceive myself to possess in comparison to the other person – and so within that missing an opportunity to expand my understanding due to accepting and allowing fear of appearing as stupid to direct and take power over me – where I furthermore forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that becoming experienced within a specific area or subject is not something that just ‘happens’ to a person, meaning; it isn’t something that will just automatically and miraculously manifest within a person, but that it is something one has to learn through experience, something one has to practice and specify – and so I see and realize that another person that possesses a specific understanding/experience/knowledge has developed such attainment through space and time, and most often through others, through asking others questions – and so therefor I realize that it is rather stupid thinking and believing that I mustn’t appear as stupid in front of others through revealing that I am not as skilled or have as much knowledge and experience as I perceive another to have within a specific subject/area – when I could instead see it as an opportunity for me to learn something new, expand and grow.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I understand and grasp what another person is talking about and/or attempting to explain to me due to fearing the possibility of being judged by the other or having the other person form an opinion of me as being stupid or unintelligent if I would admit that I do not fully comprehend the information that is being shared or the subject that is being discussed – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend as though I comprehend something in situations where I have asked another for assistance and support to understand, and wherein I get an explanation but still can’t seem to fully grasp what is being shared – where I stop and prevent myself from asking again or admitting that I still don’t understand due to thinking and believing that the other person will or might judge me as slow/stupid/retarded if I do not immediately grasp what is being shared or explained to me the first time.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist asking for help, assistance and support from others – where I see and realize that I have made this point of asking for help, assistance or support into ‘a big deal’ from the perspective of having linked and connected ‘asking for help’ to being less than and inferior to others, not smart enough, not strong enough, not independent – not seeing or realizing how such ego-definitions are really just preventing me from learning, from actually expanding and growing – where I am compromising MY life - where I am through this essentially stating that I’d rather struggle with something and spend time trying to work shit out myself instead of  simply asking someone that I see can explain or support me for some help so that I do not have to go through something on my own – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and my life as a result of ‘pride’ from the perspective of looking at how I constantly and continuously stop and prevent myself from asking for support due to thinking and believing that it is shameful to depend on others, that it is shameful to admit that I do not know it all, that I may not be strong enough to lift a car on my own – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an immediate experience of fear if and when I see or perceive another person to think and believe that I depend on them, that I expect something from another or that I am in need of another to be able to do something.

• In this I commit myself to assist and support myself through further investigation in relation to this pattern and point that I have formed in regards to resisting and stopping myself from asking others for assistance and support and I furthermore commit myself to support myself within situations and moments where I see that I am restraining and stopping myself from asking others that I see could help me with something that I am faced with due to fear of what the other may/might think – where I no more accept and allow myself to follow and comply with this fear but instead I move and direct myself to stop this pattern and thus practically practice on slowing myself down, breathing and move through the fear to then support myself through and with the help of others so that I can give myself the opportunity to take part of others understanding within the areas of which I do not fully grasp yet.