Standing on My Own Two Feet - Day 413

An Epidemic of Chronic Boredom - Day 412

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my life and living in relation to what I practically do within my daily participation as dull, boring, insignificant, unfulfilling, incomplete and unsatisfying – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously just blindly and automatically allow the experiences of being unsatisfied, bored and unfulfilled to exist and take over when it comes up within me, as though ‘that is just the way it is and has to be’– without seeing and realizing that the ‘way it is’ is my creation, that both the experiences I have formed as responses to what I do within my practical living and the actual life I decide to live as what I participate within is all based on my decisions, on me deciding to be unsatisfied with what I do within my life but still just continue living as is due to convenience – wherein I see and realize that I require to actually take responsibility for my own life and living through, within self-honesty, look at, investigate and sort out the continuous experiences I have in relation to my living and within that make clear, direct decisions within my life.

• In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become rigid, strict, stiff, oppressive and restrained as who I am and within what I do practically – where I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live within the moment from the perspective of allowing some spontaneity and self-expression but have instead allowed myself to become completely constraint and restricted – where I see and realize that I have self-sabotaged for myself within my life and living through constantly and continuously thinking about the things that I ‘have to do’ and the responsibilities I have and where I have consequentially formed my daily living according to fear of not getting things done, on fear of not being enough and doing enough – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others may/might think and the possibility of others becoming disappointed/angry/annoyed with my performance/effectiveness if or when I would not get ‘enough’ done within my day or not do the things that I perceive others to expect of/from me – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I am the one manipulating and sabotaging through accessing fear of others and fear of others possible opinions of me and what I do within my life - and within that letting such fear guide, move and direct me – instead of me, asking myself, what I require to be able to give myself the life that it is that I would really want for myself – because within this I see, realize and understand that this is actually my life – and how I choose to live is my decision alone – and, deciding to live within fear of not being who I think others want me to be and fear of not being ‘enough’ is not what I want for myself, is not what I want my life to be based on and driven by – and so I see, realize and understand that only I can change this and therefor I commit myself to assist and support myself within moments where I see that I am accessing fear of not being ‘enough’ in the eyes of others – where I within this stop my participation and ground myself here through breathing – where I take a stance to no more accepting and allowing myself to follow, comply with and allow fear of others to direct me within my life, within my daily decisions and within my practical participation – but instead I support myself through slowing myself down, making sure that my starting-point behind what I practically do is that of self-direction and self-movement.

Can You Control What Others Will Think of You? - Day 401

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the outcome and possible consequences of people not forming a positive opinion, perception and idea of me – in where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my safety, my life and I would be in danger and threatened if and when another person/people would form opinions, ideas or perceptions of me that are based on negativity and disapproval and that I thus have to protect myself, my life and my own safety through making sure that who I am when being with or around others/another is aligned with what that specific person/people prefer and approves of and so aligned with what will activate and generate positive reactions and responses within the beings/being that I am encountering – not seeing or realizing that I can in no way control other people’s reactions or responses – because I see and realize that people will react differently to different types of behaviors within people – which then shows me that how a person reacts or respond to a certain behavior or another being is merely a result of how that person has created their mind, where the opinions and possible experiences are merely products of memories – which I see within myself and so realize within myself, that what I react to and how I react, what activates, triggers and generates experiences and reactions and responses within me through external circumstances and other people, are merely products and results of my past, my memories in regards to what I have connected to certain conditions, behaviors, words, pictures etc. wherein the things I’ll see and hear through others, through their words and behaviors, are something that I have, within the mind, formed and linked specific experiences, perceptions, ideas and opinions to and towards – but it has nothing to do with the person/people I meet here and now, since the opinions and experiences already exists within me – and they merely get triggered and activated by certain conditions and situations as a result of the memories that I have formed and linked to certain behaviors, words etc. – and so, I see realize and understand that fearing other people’s minds, that fearing the possibility of standing as a point or dimension that will trigger, activate and generate negatively charged opinions, experiences and perceptions within another/other people is really conditioning and compromising and limiting my life and my relationship to me – where I see and realize that what I want for myself within my life and within my relationship to me and my relationship with others is for me to focus on BEING ME, on living the courage to stand for, stand by and stand WITH who I am in the sense of assisting and supporting myself to be stable within myself, and so trust myself within who I AM in every moment – that living my life in fear of how others entire mind works is very, very silly, as I see and realize that I cannot control others reactions since reactions and opinions and responses are merely outflows and outcomes of the person’s past and memories and their history, childhood and so what they have been presented with within their lives – and I realize that who I am will be seen through a veil and layer that are based on the beings past as their inhabited preferences and the specific connections they have formed and linked between behaviors/words and internal responses/experiences.

• And so therefor I commit myself to assist and support myself in practical reality when I am encountering or participating with other beings through being aware of the tendency I have of going into fear of not pleasing and getting approval from others due to the belief and idea that my safety, my life and I am at risk if the self-image that I present in some way activates, triggers or generates negatively charged opinions, perceptions and experiences within another or other people – and so within that I commit myself to practically support myself when and as I see myself going into fear of other people’s possible reactions/experiences/opinions and so the urge to mold, adjust and change myself to protect myself and ensure that I do not contribute to activating negatively charged experiences within another – where I within this stop and breathe, where I see and realize that I cannot control other people’s reactions or the process behind what triggers reactions, opinions and experiences within another’s mind – and within that I also realize that it’s the mind’s reaction, not even the real person – therefor I commit myself to direct myself out of the fear, bring myself back to here where I stand up within myself and decide to focus on BEING ME, and so, within moments where I see that I am accessing fear of triggering reactions that are based on negativity within other people’s minds I re-instruct myself to stop my participation in fear and instead focus on being me, where I no more accept and allow myself to live my life in fear of how others entire mind works but to instead establish and live the courage to be me and so trust myself and my capacity to stand up for myself, as I realize that I now have the capacity to protect and stand up for myself, thus I do not require or need to fear other’s negatively charged internal experiences.

The Toxic Fear of What Other People Might Think of You - Day 400

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being aligned with how other people would prefer and want me to be in the context of who I am, how I behave and how I look – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to mold, shape and adjust myself as the totality of who I am depending on who I am encountering, where I just instantaneously and automatically go into this pattern of adjusting, changing, molding and shaping myself with the starting-point of wanting, needing and desiring to attain the perception and interpretation of being someone that satisfies and pleases the person’s/people’s personal preferences in regards to what they appreciate, like and what activates and generates positive reactions and feelings within the individuals that I am facing.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being rejected by others/another person – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being faced with situations or moments where I perceive that who I am activates and generates negatively charged thoughts and experiences within another being – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I am rejected by another person/others or am activating negatively charged experiences or thoughts within another then that would mean, and be an evidence of the fact that I am not good enough and that who I am is not a worthwhile person – where I will thus allow myself to attempt and try to mold and shape myself so that I can avoid and prevent others from forming perceptions and opinions of me that are based on negativity due to thinking and believing that if I fail to make a ‘positive impression’ but instead activates and generates negative responses/reactions within others then I will consequentially HAVE TO feel inadequate, humiliated, less than, worthless, useless, self-hate and so on.

• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am taking the decision to utilize my perception of being rejected by others to confirm the judgments and opinions that I already have of myself in regards to being inadequate, less than, worthless, useless etc. – wherein such opinions and definitions does already exist within me through my acceptances and allowances in my relationship to myself – and that that is the only reason for why I would fear being rejected by others – because within this I see, realize and understand that if I would not have any negatively charged experiences and thoughts about myself within myself, that if I would not allow any form of self-judgment, then I would not be able to make such connection within the mind in relation to gauging my self-worth and self-value according to the perception I form of what reactions/thoughts/experiences I generate and activate within others – and I see and realize that what I see in others are merely reflections of myself, of my own experiences of me  - of my own self-relationship, wherein I see and realize that I am, every single day, rejecting myself, activating and generating negatively charged thoughts and experiences about myself – wherein I am the one that do not respect and accept myself and have consequentially thus placed such responsibility on others and so also given away the decision of who I am through accepting and allowing myself to define and decide who I am based on what I think and believe others to think and feel about me, what I think, believe and perceive myself to activate and generate within others – and I forgive myself that I have, for so long, for too long, accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to create and become a self, as I am, that would be seen as acceptable and adequate for others where I never allowed myself to let go of the idea and belief that I can only accept myself and respect myself and love myself when I am confirmed as good enough by others, when I can confirm that I have removed the possibility of activating negatively charged thoughts and experiences within others – not seeing or realizing that this possibility will inevitably exist as a possible outcome within my mind for as long as I allow myself to define and gauge my self-worth according to how I think and believe others to see and feel about me, because I cannot remove the possibility of activating negatively charged thoughts and experiences within myself as a response to the perception I form of my external world’s response to me through changing who I am externally – that for as long as I allow myself to judge and form negative opinions of me I will consequentially see such judgments and opinions within others as reflections of what I internally accept and allow.

• And so I see and realize that to stop fearing rejection within my world I require to stop rejecting myself through thoughts, words and deeds – I require to bring this point back to me and instead of trying to change and mold myself as an attempt to align myself with others personal preferences as what and who they prefer others to be, I have to focus on the real problem here – which is what I accept and allow within me, what I accept and allow myself to define and judge and hate myself for and why it is that I just do not want to stop hating and judging and bullying myself, what is the secret agenda here? What is it that I want to achieve? Because I realize that I can, in every moment, take that decision to stop, to stop projecting my self-judgments onto others, to stop finding excuses for why I am inadequate, to stop manipulating myself into thinking and believing that it is legitimate and justifiable for me to hate and judge and blame myself if I have managed to interpret it as though the initial rejection or disapproval came from another or others. And so why wouldn’t I stop this? Why would I want to continue?

• And so therefor I commit myself to really investigate, open up and look at this construct in regards to the value I place into the perception I form of what others think and feel about me, in regards to the desire, want and need to activate and generate certain thoughts and experiences within others and in regards to the fear of triggering negatively charged emotions and thoughts within others – where I see and realize that what I think that I am generating, activating and triggering within another/others are merely just a reflection of what I think and feel about myself, what I allow myself to generate and activate within me – and so I commit myself to stop projecting, to stop separating myself from me through fearing others rejection and experiences of me to instead see and realize that what I do fear is how I experience myself as a response to the perception I form of what others think and experience – and the opinions I believe others to form of me are just revealing and showing me the opinion I allow to exist within me of myself – and therefor, through my writings, self-forgiveness and self-correction, I commit myself to walk through this, to face this me that I have created myself as and in that bring all the pieces back to me in the sense of taking self-responsibility for what I accept and allow within my relationship with me and so no more accept and allow myself to mold and shape myself to attempt and try to avoid and prevent rejection but to instead make sure that I stop rejecting myself, that I stop judging and blaming and hating myself and within that see and realize that the reason for why I would fear external rejection is due to self-rejection in thoughts, words and deeds.

Conquering The Contest Of Survival - Day 388

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am according to what I externally do/manage to do – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to ‘earn’ value and worth through my external participation in the sense of achieving, accomplishing and performing within the frames of what I have learned to define as ‘good’ and ‘valuable’- as the opinions that I have incorporated from this system/society in relation to what is being seen as ‘good’ – where I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I require to ‘enhance’ my value through the things that I am doing in my practical reality – instead of seeing and realizing that I am actually denying myself my value and worth as life by implying that I have to earn it through external achievements – and that what is being defined as ‘good’ within this society/system is not in any way based on what is actually best for all but essentially determined by what one has to do to ensure one’s survival, where accomplishments and success are directly connected and linked to money, to survival, to conquering a contest that only a few can win, and where the possibility of winning merely exist as a polarity to the majority that has to loose.

• And so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to compete about value with others, where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I require to conquer through proving myself worthy through externally performing and achieving ‘better’ than others – so that I can ensure my own survival.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my own survival will be at risk if I do not live according to the belief and idea that I require to earn value through externally achieving within the frames of what is being defined as ‘good’ by this society.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my experience of myself to be conditioned and controlled by how much and ‘how good’ I perceive myself to perform externally within my day to day living, where I see and realize that I have allowed the interpretation/perception/experience that I form as a response to what I have managed to get done, and the apparent quality of what I have done, within a day to completely determine how I feel about myself in the context of whether I see myself as valuable/worthy or not – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just blindly and automatically accept and allow the experience, perception and belief that comes up within the mind as a response to how ‘effective’ I apparently am or am not within a moment/situation/day – instead of seeing and realizing that just because I have made an assessment and created an opinion in relation to my effectiveness or the quality of what I have done, where I see it as though I am not aligned with the demands and expectations I have of myself, it still does not mean that it is legitimate to judge myself as less worthy or not good enough – but that I have within this allowed myself to give value to the belief that I somehow get a free pass to judge myself as inadequate within situations/moments/periods where I practically assess my performance/participation and conclude that my participation is in some way not aligned with the definition I have in relation to what is ‘good’.

• In this I commit myself to assist and support myself when and as I see that I am forming a perception or experience as a response to my external participation and in relation to the ‘effectiveness’ or quality of what I do – and in where I within this no more accept and allow myself to continue my participation within judgment but instead I bring myself back to here, to breathing – where I see and realize that what I do does not determine my value or worth – and so therefor I commit myself to slow myself down and realign/correct my starting-point to instead support myself within what I am doing, where I within my awareness move with me, with breath and so value myself as life instead of placing my value into what I manage to do – since I see and realize through doing so I will merely trap myself within a struggle between superiority and inferiority.

The Things We Do To Feel Good About Ourselves - Day 387

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate and habitually participate within a desire, want and need to and towards attaining the experience of being more successful/accomplished/better than others within the areas of which I participate within in my external world and reality – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become dependent on such internal experience – where I within that think and believe that for me to be able to enjoy what I do and motivate myself to continue my participation, I require to interpret it and experience it as though I am better/more accomplished than others, or that there is an opportunity/chance for me to become better than others within that specific area. – And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my external participation/involvement to be regulated and determined by the perception I form within the mind in relation to ‘how accomplished others are within this area’ – where I see and realize that I have formed an automatic pattern of constantly and continuously assessing and ranking how good/accomplished others are within the areas of which I also participate within or consider to start participating within – where I am kind of like estimating where I am or could/would be on the parameter/diagram I have formed within the mind – and in this accepting and allowing the evaluation of ‘where I am/would/could be’ in relation to others to determine how I experience myself, whether I will feel good enough or not, if I will continue/start participating and how I feel about others in regards to either seeing others as superior/a threat or not.

• And so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite people that I perceive to be better than or more successful/accomplished than me – but at the same time thinking and believing that if I become ‘better than’ and more successful than others, then people will be more inclined to accept and like me – not seeing or realizing how I am revealing and showing to myself that I experience the contrary, that I am not in any way more inclined to accept/like people that I perceive to be ‘better’/more accomplished than me but will rather feel threatened and intimidated by such people where I attempt to deteriorate them just so that I can feel better about myself – so, how can I trust and give value to the belief that ‘others will be and become more inclined to accept and like me if I am better than them’ when my intuition is to dislike and not accept people that I perceive to be better than me? – Since I would within that rather feel intimidated, threaten, inadequate and less than such beings.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that other people will overtake/move faster than me when it comes to specific areas that I participate within in my external world/reality – where I have accepted and allowed myself to see everything as a race, as a competition - and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘falling behind’ or not moving as fast as others, and am consequentially manifesting an internal reverberating experience of stress and fear – accepting and allowing myself to participate within and generate a constant internal conflict, where I am basically attempting and trying to fight myself into keeping up with others and where I go into an automatic response of fear whenever I interpret or perceive it as though I am falling behind or am not moving as fast as others or another person – not seeing or realizing that I am actually within this completely forgetting about and missing me, who I am and what really in fact matters – where I get so preoccupied with winning a race that I haven’t even considered asking myself why? – and within this I see, realize and understand that the slight experience of ‘accomplishment’ that emerge within me as a response to the interpretation I form of having accomplished something or attained perfect results within something, does only last for a split second – and then I am right back in the competition/race again – and so I see, realize and understand that I am within this constantly attempting to run away from the experience of ‘failure’, of being ‘less than others’ – but, trying to run away from such experience is definitely not a solution, because I realize that I am preventing myself from facing the fear and facing myself and the creation I have constructed in relation to the integrated self-belief of myself, who I am and my self-worth as something that is dependent on and determined by the accomplishments I manage to achieve externally.

• I commit myself to assist and support myself to face me, to face my own creation as how I have constructed and formed my life to be and become a constant race – where I am essentially running away from myself, from actually caring for myself and from developing and living self-acceptance – I mean; shit, this is not how I want to live my life, this is not what I want for myself or would want for anyone within this existence. And so therefor I commit myself to assist and support myself within moments where I see that I start to compare myself to others in the sense of assessing who is better/more accomplished – where I in that immediately stop my participation and breathe – in where I direct my attention and focus to stop following, stop participating and stop obeying to what comes up within the mind – but instead I bring myself back to here, back to breathing, where I correct myself within such moments through realizing that I am one and equal to others, that others are parts of me – and therefor I no more accept and allow myself to separate myself from me through competing with others but instead I direct myself to slow myself down and work with others, with myself – and so giving myself the opportunity to face what it is that I am attempting to run away from, where I have the tools with which to stabilize myself – and so with my breathing, my self-forgiveness and self-corrections I commit myself to face my own creation and explore how it is to live a life where I value who I am, and in that get to know this ‘I’ through removing the current construct that I live within that is based on valuing and defining this ‘I’ by the mind's interpretation of what I externally can/do accomplish. Because within this I see and realize that I am hiding behind external accomplishments, where I fear facing who I am when peeling off the ‘acceptable image’ I portray and present to the world. But, I realize that it is time – and so I commit myself to peel off the layers and face who I am beneath the veil of what I do.

Bitch, Stop Competing - Day 383

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to compete with other people in the sense of comparing myself and who ‘I am’ in my external participation to how I perceive others to be – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I require to prove to myself that I am better than others for me to be able to accept myself – not seeing or realizing that I am merely separating myself from me, and so from others, through accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others and within that compete with the perception I form of who others are within the mind.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as I notice or perceive it as though another person is deliberately attempting and trying to make it seem as though he/she ‘is better’ in some way or another – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within fear, inadequacy and inferiority as a response to seeing/perceiving it as though another person is starting a competition about ‘who is the best in a specific area’ and in that ‘showing off’ – not seeing or realizing that within such instances/moments/situations I do not have to go into, partake or participate within the competition – and just because I perceive it as though another person is ‘showing off’ or attempting to make him- or herself seem ‘better’ does not automatically mean that I have to feel inferior or less than – that within situations where I perceive it as though another person is starting a competition or am trying to put me down to make themselves seem better, I can actually take the decision to direct myself, to not participate, to not fuel the competition but to instead make sure that I remain here, stable, breathing and within that take self-responsibility for any experience of inadequacy or want/need/desire to partake and respond to the ‘competition’ – where I see, realize and understand that I do not have to show/prove to another that ‘I am better than what they think’ – since that would merely fuel the competition and separation even more. And within this I see, realize and understand that the only reason for competition and comparison is internal insecurities – and, so why would I want to feed another person’s insecurities and so my own through taking a ‘competition’ seriously and partake within it?

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that another person will see or perceive me as inferior or less than them – and within that thinking and believing that I have to prove them wrong if or when I interpret it as though another person is, in some way or another, implying that I am less than them or less than who I actually am – not seeing or realizing that whether another person sees me, or sees a limited version of me does not really matter – it can only influence me if and when I accept and allow myself to take it personally and so believe myself to be the perception I perceive another to form of me.

• And so therefor I commit myself to assist and support myself within moments/situations where I perceive it as though another person is starting a competition about ‘who is the best’ when it comes to a specific area – where I within this become aware of the tendency of wanting to participate/partake within the competition due to fear of being seen as ‘less than who I am’ – and when and as I see that the fear starts to emerge within me, I commit myself to take a moment, breathe, bring myself back to here where I see, realize and understand that I do not have to prove myself better or prove to another that I am not ‘who they think I am’, that I am ‘just as good as they are’ – no, I do not accept or allow myself to take part in the competition but instead I make sure that I remain here, stable, breathing – and within that see, realize and understand that ‘proving another person wrong’ will merely fuel and feed the competition and so the separation – therefor I commit myself to re-instruct myself within such moments, where I direct myself out of the want/need/desire to prove someone wrong or make myself ‘look better’ and instead I realize that I know who I am and so therefor I am in no need to prove to another that I am adequate or ‘just as good as they are’ – and in that I further realize that through going into such mental competition I will merely fuel and empower another person’s insecurities and their internal need to prove themselves as ‘good’ or ‘better than’ – and so I commit myself to instead just stand here, with and as the other person in the sense of seeing and realizing that we have both constructed ourselves in a similar way in the sense of thinking and believing that we are inadequate and that we thus have to prove ourselves worthy – and so through realizing this I take a stance to instead be and stand as an example in the sense of showing that we do not have to compete with each other, that I will not partake.