The Things We Do To Feel Good About Ourselves - Day 387

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate and habitually participate within a desire, want and need to and towards attaining the experience of being more successful/accomplished/better than others within the areas of which I participate within in my external world and reality – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become dependent on such internal experience – where I within that think and believe that for me to be able to enjoy what I do and motivate myself to continue my participation, I require to interpret it and experience it as though I am better/more accomplished than others, or that there is an opportunity/chance for me to become better than others within that specific area. – And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my external participation/involvement to be regulated and determined by the perception I form within the mind in relation to ‘how accomplished others are within this area’ – where I see and realize that I have formed an automatic pattern of constantly and continuously assessing and ranking how good/accomplished others are within the areas of which I also participate within or consider to start participating within – where I am kind of like estimating where I am or could/would be on the parameter/diagram I have formed within the mind – and in this accepting and allowing the evaluation of ‘where I am/would/could be’ in relation to others to determine how I experience myself, whether I will feel good enough or not, if I will continue/start participating and how I feel about others in regards to either seeing others as superior/a threat or not.

• And so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite people that I perceive to be better than or more successful/accomplished than me – but at the same time thinking and believing that if I become ‘better than’ and more successful than others, then people will be more inclined to accept and like me – not seeing or realizing how I am revealing and showing to myself that I experience the contrary, that I am not in any way more inclined to accept/like people that I perceive to be ‘better’/more accomplished than me but will rather feel threatened and intimidated by such people where I attempt to deteriorate them just so that I can feel better about myself – so, how can I trust and give value to the belief that ‘others will be and become more inclined to accept and like me if I am better than them’ when my intuition is to dislike and not accept people that I perceive to be better than me? – Since I would within that rather feel intimidated, threaten, inadequate and less than such beings.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that other people will overtake/move faster than me when it comes to specific areas that I participate within in my external world/reality – where I have accepted and allowed myself to see everything as a race, as a competition - and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘falling behind’ or not moving as fast as others, and am consequentially manifesting an internal reverberating experience of stress and fear – accepting and allowing myself to participate within and generate a constant internal conflict, where I am basically attempting and trying to fight myself into keeping up with others and where I go into an automatic response of fear whenever I interpret or perceive it as though I am falling behind or am not moving as fast as others or another person – not seeing or realizing that I am actually within this completely forgetting about and missing me, who I am and what really in fact matters – where I get so preoccupied with winning a race that I haven’t even considered asking myself why? – and within this I see, realize and understand that the slight experience of ‘accomplishment’ that emerge within me as a response to the interpretation I form of having accomplished something or attained perfect results within something, does only last for a split second – and then I am right back in the competition/race again – and so I see, realize and understand that I am within this constantly attempting to run away from the experience of ‘failure’, of being ‘less than others’ – but, trying to run away from such experience is definitely not a solution, because I realize that I am preventing myself from facing the fear and facing myself and the creation I have constructed in relation to the integrated self-belief of myself, who I am and my self-worth as something that is dependent on and determined by the accomplishments I manage to achieve externally.

• I commit myself to assist and support myself to face me, to face my own creation as how I have constructed and formed my life to be and become a constant race – where I am essentially running away from myself, from actually caring for myself and from developing and living self-acceptance – I mean; shit, this is not how I want to live my life, this is not what I want for myself or would want for anyone within this existence. And so therefor I commit myself to assist and support myself within moments where I see that I start to compare myself to others in the sense of assessing who is better/more accomplished – where I in that immediately stop my participation and breathe – in where I direct my attention and focus to stop following, stop participating and stop obeying to what comes up within the mind – but instead I bring myself back to here, back to breathing, where I correct myself within such moments through realizing that I am one and equal to others, that others are parts of me – and therefor I no more accept and allow myself to separate myself from me through competing with others but instead I direct myself to slow myself down and work with others, with myself – and so giving myself the opportunity to face what it is that I am attempting to run away from, where I have the tools with which to stabilize myself – and so with my breathing, my self-forgiveness and self-corrections I commit myself to face my own creation and explore how it is to live a life where I value who I am, and in that get to know this ‘I’ through removing the current construct that I live within that is based on valuing and defining this ‘I’ by the mind's interpretation of what I externally can/do accomplish. Because within this I see and realize that I am hiding behind external accomplishments, where I fear facing who I am when peeling off the ‘acceptable image’ I portray and present to the world. But, I realize that it is time – and so I commit myself to peel off the layers and face who I am beneath the veil of what I do.