The Toxic Fear of What Other People Might Think of You - Day 400
- I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear not being aligned with how other people would prefer
and want me to be in the context of who I am, how I behave and how I look –
wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and
try to mold, shape and adjust myself as the totality of who I am depending on
who I am encountering, where I just instantaneously and automatically go into
this pattern of adjusting, changing, molding and shaping myself with the
starting-point of wanting, needing and desiring to attain the perception and
interpretation of being someone that satisfies and pleases the
person’s/people’s personal preferences in regards to what they appreciate, like
and what activates and generates positive reactions and feelings within the
individuals that I am facing.
- I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to fear being rejected by others/another person – wherein
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being faced
with situations or moments where I perceive that who I am activates and
generates negatively charged thoughts and experiences within another being –
and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and
believe that if I am rejected by another person/others or am activating
negatively charged experiences or thoughts within another then that would mean,
and be an evidence of the fact that I am not good enough and that who I am is
not a worthwhile person – where I will thus allow myself to attempt and try to
mold and shape myself so that I can avoid and prevent others from forming
perceptions and opinions of me that are based on negativity due to thinking and
believing that if I fail to make a ‘positive impression’ but instead activates
and generates negative responses/reactions within others then I will
consequentially HAVE TO feel inadequate, humiliated, less than, worthless,
useless, self-hate and so on.
- I forgive myself that I have not
accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am taking the
decision to utilize my perception of being rejected by others to confirm the
judgments and opinions that I already have of myself in regards to being
inadequate, less than, worthless, useless etc. – wherein such opinions and
definitions does already exist within me through my acceptances and allowances
in my relationship to myself – and that that is the only reason for why I would
fear being rejected by others – because within this I see, realize and
understand that if I would not have any negatively charged experiences and thoughts
about myself within myself, that if I would not allow any form of self-judgment,
then I would not be able to make such connection within the mind in relation to
gauging my self-worth and self-value according to the perception I form of what
reactions/thoughts/experiences I generate and activate within others – and I
see and realize that what I see in others are merely reflections of myself, of
my own experiences of me - of my own
self-relationship, wherein I see and realize that I am, every single day,
rejecting myself, activating and generating negatively charged thoughts and
experiences about myself – wherein I am the one that do not respect and
accept myself and have consequentially thus placed such responsibility on others
and so also given away the decision of who I am through accepting and allowing
myself to define and decide who I am based on what I think and believe others
to think and feel about me, what I think, believe and perceive myself to
activate and generate within others – and I forgive myself that I have, for so
long, for too long, accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to create and
become a self, as I am, that would be seen as acceptable and adequate for
others where I never allowed myself to let go of the idea and belief that I can
only accept myself and respect myself and love myself when I am confirmed as
good enough by others, when I can confirm that I have removed the possibility
of activating negatively charged thoughts and experiences within others – not seeing
or realizing that this possibility will inevitably exist as a possible outcome
within my mind for as long as I allow myself to define and gauge my self-worth
according to how I think and believe others to see and feel about me, because I
cannot remove the possibility of activating negatively charged thoughts and
experiences within myself as a response to the perception I form of my external
world’s response to me through changing who I am externally – that for as long
as I allow myself to judge and form negative opinions of me I will
consequentially see such judgments and opinions within others as reflections of
what I internally accept and allow.
- And so I see and realize that to
stop fearing rejection within my world I require to stop rejecting myself
through thoughts, words and deeds – I require to bring this point back to me
and instead of trying to change and mold myself as an attempt to align myself
with others personal preferences as what and who they prefer others to be, I
have to focus on the real problem here – which is what I accept and allow
within me, what I accept and allow myself to define and judge and hate myself
for and why it is that I just do not want to stop hating and judging and
bullying myself, what is the secret agenda here? What is it that I want to
achieve? Because I realize that I can, in every moment, take that decision to
stop, to stop projecting my self-judgments onto others, to stop finding excuses
for why I am inadequate, to stop manipulating myself into thinking and believing
that it is legitimate and justifiable for me to hate and judge and blame myself
if I have managed to interpret it as though the initial rejection or
disapproval came from another or others. And so why wouldn’t I stop this? Why would
I want to continue?
- And so therefor I commit myself to
really investigate, open up and look at this construct in regards to the value
I place into the perception I form of what others think and feel about me, in
regards to the desire, want and need to activate and generate certain thoughts
and experiences within others and in regards to the fear of triggering
negatively charged emotions and thoughts within others – where I see and
realize that what I think that I am generating, activating and triggering
within another/others are merely just a reflection of what I think and feel
about myself, what I allow myself to generate and activate within me – and so I
commit myself to stop projecting, to stop separating myself from me through
fearing others rejection and experiences of me to instead see and realize that
what I do fear is how I experience myself as a response to the perception I
form of what others think and experience – and the opinions I believe others to
form of me are just revealing and showing me the opinion I allow to exist within
me of myself – and therefor, through my writings, self-forgiveness and
self-correction, I commit myself to walk through this, to face this me that I
have created myself as and in that bring all the pieces back to me in the sense
of taking self-responsibility for what I accept and allow within my relationship
with me and so no more accept and allow myself to mold and shape myself to
attempt and try to avoid and prevent rejection but to instead make sure that I
stop rejecting myself, that I stop judging and blaming and hating myself and within
that see and realize that the reason for why I would fear external rejection is
due to self-rejection in thoughts, words and deeds.
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