The Lingering Effect of Trauma - Day 403

“Now – the Mind is the Product of your Environment and the Events that took place in your life, and the Events that you Learned from.”

“So, if you for instance have a Program due to Trauma where You Have Immense Fear for a Person, you will Create in the Mind – and the Mind will virtually do it by Itself because You’re Not really Aware that you are doing it – You will Create a Mechanism through which you would Detect according to your Environment, the Possibility of People in your Environment that May Cause such Trauma again, and you will end up Seeing the person that Caused the Trauma Everywhere. Now obviously the Person Doesn’t Exist, the Person Only Exists in the Mechanism that You’ve Created through which you are Attempting to Protect Yourself from such Trauma and therefore Any Person that in Any Way will Show Any form of the Patterns which are Part of your Protection mechanism in the Mind will Immediately bring up Paranoia and you’ll immediately ‘Not Like the Person,’ you’ll Immediately want to be Out of their Environment as Much as Possible, Not Communicate with them/ Stay Away from them because all they’re going to do is – according to Your Mechanism – they’re going to Abuse you and therefore you will Move Yourself out of that Environment to Protect yourself.” -Bernard Poolman  - Day 397: Paranoia and Stopping the Mind

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and live within and according to a fear of triggering or activating negatively charged internal conversations, opinions, experiences or reactions within other beings through my behavior or words due to having associated and connected such occurrences to my past living conditions, where I see and realize that I developed and manifested an intense fear of activating or triggering anger/frustration/disapproval/discontentment within others due to the consequences I would be faced with when perceiving myself to having triggered such reactions within the first foster mother I had – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to and continue living with this protection-mechanism that I would create in the past as an attempt to protect myself from trauma through suppressing, hiding and aligning myself with that which I saw wouldn’t trigger negatively charged reactions/experiences/thoughts within the foster mother – not seeing or realizing that this pattern and mechanism is not assisting or supporting me in any way what so ever in my current living since I am fully capable of protecting/defending myself and standing up for myself through simply utilizing common sense and practical consideration in terms of assessing the situations I am in and through that make sure that I take self-responsibility for my words and behavior, and to also realize that, yes, there is always a possibility of other people reacting in anger/frustration/disapproval/discontentment, no matter who or how I am really, because I can in no way know how other people’s entire mind is set up and what may/might trigger reactions within others – so all I can do is to be me, to make sure that I treat others as I would like to be treated without suppressing/hiding myself or going in with the starting-point of constantly assessing and attempting to decode what/who/how another person would prefer me to be where I am trying to trigger or generate positive experiences but to rather focus on being me, and if or when I see another reacting I realize that it is not actually something personal but that it is due to how that specific individual have created and constructed their mind – and that if a situation would emerge wherein I see that my safety is at risk I do have the capacity to remove myself from the situation – and so within this I see, realize and understand that fearing other’s possible reactions are actually completely unnecessary as I do have the tools, the understanding and the capacity to assess a situation/moment with common sense and thus decide in every moment what is best for all – but that accepting and allowing myself to live in constant fear and worry about triggering/generating/activating negatively charged reactions within another is really not assisting or supporting me and does not help me in any kind of way – that it is in fact just preventing me from trusting myself and from standing stable within myself and focusing on being me.

• When and as I see that I am going into the mechanism of trying to protect myself from the possibility of having to face the consequences that I perceive is going to happen if I in some way activate/trigger/generate negatively charged reactions within another person, and in where I see myself going into fear due to perceiving a pattern/behavior/words/tonality/’sign’ within another, that I have connected and linked to the foster mothers patterns/behaviors/words/tonality and where I thus see myself activating this mechanism through fear – I immediately stop and breathe – where I see, realize and understand that the reaction of fear got triggered because someone in some way represented/showed a pattern which I have linked to the foster mother and which thus activates the protection mechanism within the mind, but that it is not necessary for me to react in fear, hide or suppress myself – and so therefor I commit myself to in the continuation be aware of this tendency and through that immediately stop and breathe when I see myself activating this defense and protection mechanism, where I re-instruct myself to instead participate in that which exists directly as the physical – to assess the physical situation that I am in with common sense and practical consideration to within that stand as the directive principle of me, where I see and realize that it is only when I am here, participating in what is actually practically and physically occurring that I can assess the situation and decide what is best within the moment – and so therefor I no more accept and allow myself to just automatically and instantaneously go into the pattern of fear whenever I see a dimension/aspect within another that reminds me of the foster mother – but to within such moments instead take a breath, slow myself down and look at the situation practically – where I bring my power back to me, where I stand up for myself and so trust myself – because within this I see, realize and understand that within these situations I am essentially becoming the scared child that I once was, and that hiding and suppressing myself is of no need, that I am fully capable of standing with myself, standing up for myself and practically assess what is best in any given moment.