When Self-Care Becomes The Ultimate Sin - Day 394

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I do not deserve to care for myself and accept myself if or when I perceive or experience it as though others to not care for or accept me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adjust my self-support and compromise my self-relationship through letting the perception I form within the mind in regards to what others ‘give me’ to be the determining factor for how I see myself and so how I decide to treat myself in thought, word and deed – where I furthermore forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for others to show me care and acceptance instead of giving myself self-care and self-acceptance unconditionally – and within this I see, realize and understand that I have formed an inherent belief and automatic pattern in relation to how I see myself and so treat myself, where I think and believe that I have to earn care and acceptance from others to be permitted to accept and care for myself.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is shameful to care for and accept myself if or when I have formed a perception within the mind of others not accepting me or caring for me – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and oppose caring for and accepting myself if or when I do not experience or interpret it as though others care for/accept me due to accepting an experience of shame to decide for me, where I see and realize that I am accepting and allowing myself to fully trust and give value to an experience of shame without ever having considered or questioned the belief of it being shameful to care for and accept oneself – but instead just immediately, automatically and instantaneously accepted shame to decide for me.

• And so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form a pattern of going into self-anger and self-hatred when and as I form an idea or perception of others not caring for or accepting me, wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it would be shameful and completely wrong for me to care for myself and accept myself when or if others don’t – due to thinking and believing that “I am not to think that I am anything special or important or worthy” – and so especially not in situations where I interpret or perceive it as though other people see me this way.

• Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the mind and torment myself through back-chatting about how worthless and useless I am as an automatic response to situations/moments wherein I have formed the perception of not being accepted by others/another or experiencing it as though others/another is neglecting me – wherein I automatically and immediately just follow, listen to and comply with whatever comes up within the mind due to thinking and believing that it is legitimate and justifiable for me to judge myself as worthless and useless, and thus not care for and accept myself but rather neglect and punish myself, if or when I perceive others not to accept or care about me – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I would give myself something that I do not deserve if I would to accept and care for myself in moments where others do not care about or accept me – and so within this allowing myself to use the slightest indication of disapproval, neglect or lack of care within another to trigger the construct of self-shame, where I just automatically accept and allow myself to go into the belief of myself as not being worthy of acceptance and care and thus consequentially neglecting and bullying myself within the mind – instead of seeing and realizing that I am the one deciding to give value to the belief of myself as not deserving acceptance and care whenever I perceive others to neglect me in any kind of way, where I furthermore realize that I am actually constantly and continuously anticipating and expecting others to neglect and disapprove of who/how I am and within that am consequentially perceiving and reacting to everything within another with this self-belief veiling reality – and so within this I realize that the underlying point here is merely based on my own self-neglect and self-disapproval, where I allow myself to see myself as worthless and useless – and as a consequence I am anticipating and expecting others to form this idea about me, wherein I have manipulated myself into thinking and believing that if it is another who says that I am worthless then it is OK for me to think and believe that about myself – where that has thus become the belief which I will use to continue existing within and making it legitimate for me to see myself as worthless. But I mean, why would I believe that it is just completely OK for me to see myself as worthless and useless if I perceive it to come from outside of me? Why would I allow myself to just automatically go into shame when I perceive others to neglect or disapprove of me – when I can within that decide to stand up for myself and so not take it personally but instead choose to accept and care for myself, I mean this is about my life, my relationship to me – and so why compromise that through letting my perceptions and beliefs about what others may/might think of me to decide how I see myself and so how I experience myself within?

• I commit myself to assist and support myself through my writings and self-forgiveness to open up and investigate the construct I have formed in relation to utilizing my perception of others experiences/thoughts about me to decide how I treat and see myself – to in that further look at and stop the automatic pattern of going into shame and the belief that I do not deserve to accept and care for myself if I perceive it as though another neglect/disapprove of me. And within this I furthermore commit myself to assist and support myself within moments where I see that I am going into shame, as the situations where I believe others to neglect/disapprove of me – where I within that stop and so take a moment to breathe – where I stop the automatic response of self-blame and instead start to question what comes up – where I no more accept and allow myself to just automatically and instantaneously go into and give value to whatever comes up within the mind – but instead start to question it, investigating it and so show myself that I can make the decision not to go into it, not to trust or give value to it – but instead stop and breathe, where I realize that only I can decide who I am and so what I allow within – and so within that awareness I decide to realign my self-relationship to establish unconditional self-acceptance and self-care, to within that release myself from the dependency that I have formed to/towards what I believe and expect others to think of me – since that does not matter – because I still have the ultimate responsibility for who and how I am, within and without.