You're Not to Think You are Good at Anything - Day 399

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must not, and have ‘no right to’, come across as self-confident in class and on upcoming exams after not having done well on the latest exam – wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others and the teacher will perceive it as though I am not aware of how bad I performed in my latest exam or that people/the teacher will perceive it as though I am not ashamed of my bad performance if I come across as confident.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to be ashamed of my most recent performance within the previous exam to show myself and others/the teacher that ‘I am better than that’ and that I am punishing myself through being ashamed, that I am disciplining myself through being hard on myself and blaming myself – where I feel the need to show and state that I am not proud of my former performance, that I do not in any way accept such bad performance, through acting and going into the experience of shame and self-criticism – where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to show the teacher how ‘bad I feel’ and how I in no way accept such bad results – that I in no way accept myself when I have performed ‘so lousy’ – and within that accepting and allowing my continued participation within school to suffer and get conditioned through accepting and allowing myself to fear acting and coming across in any other way than as being ashamed and embarrassed, where I see and realize that I am empowering and generating the experiences of being unconfident, self-doubtful, nervous and anxious which are experienced that will really not help me within my participation in my upcoming exam – as I have seen and realized that these experiences will rather prevent me from actually showing my capacity and I am within this merely trapping myself as I see and realize that accepting and allowing myself to be unconfident and self-doubting does inevitably lead to a lesser capacity to perform well and allowing such experiences are thus deliberate self-sabotage – and I mean; am I willing to lower my grade even more just because I fear coming off as confident when I believe that I should be ashamed?

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that being hard on myself and blaming myself whenever I perceive my external performances/achievements/participation to be imperfect or not good enough indicates that I am ‘self-aware’ and that it makes me ‘a better person’ since I am at least then apparently aware of my inadequacies and showing/stating to others and so to myself that I do not accept this from myself, that I am not unaware of, stand for or am proud of myself and my performances/participation/achievements - where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and define being hard on myself as something that is positive and a good thing that makes me ‘a good person’ – not seeing or realizing how being hard on myself and blaming myself has never in fact lead me to becoming better at what I externally do or helped me performing better – since I within this become so preoccupied with blaming and being hard on myself that I consequentially prevent myself from really trusting myself and so standing within and as self-confidence when being faced with a situation wherein my capacity is being ‘tested’.

• And so I see, realize and understand that to be able to do my best within my upcoming exam I require to direct myself out of shame and self-blame and so instead decide to stand as self-confidence and self-trust, where I see and realize that I am only able to do my actual best when I do not allow a simultaneous internal fight and conflict – because when I allow myself to participate within shame and being hard on myself I am literally fighting with myself where what I would need is to work  and walk with me – and therefor I commit myself to assist and support myself in the continuation through making sure that I move myself out of self-doubt and do not accept and allow myself to be hard on myself due to perceiving myself to having performed lousy in my latest exam – but to instead let go of and give myself a clear and new opportunity where I do not accept and allow the belief of myself as being a better person and/or coming off as more aware if I am appearing as ashamed and disappointed at myself to influence and control my participation within my upcoming exam. Instead I commit myself to support myself when I see that I am being hard on myself through immediately directing myself back to here where I commit myself to walk with myself in and as who I am, here – where I see and realize that it is only me blaming myself, and that this will not help me in any kind of way and so therefor I re-instruct myself to stand on my own side in the sense of not accepting and allowing myself to continue this pattern of following and complying with the need to be seen as ‘a good person’ for recognizing my apparent inadequacies – but instead I focus on being here, standing with me and so doing my best through moving myself out of self-blame and back to here through breathing – where I commit myself to give myself this opportunity to explore and investigate how it would be like to no more accept and allow self-blame to influence and control me.